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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My Husband is taking All my Salary and Only Gives me enough Allowance for Food!

262 replies

ImverySad · 14/02/2013 07:25

Hi Everyone,

Im just hoping if anyone could help me with a piece of advise.

I am married for 3 yrs plus now, and I've been working for nearly 1/2 year now, My husband is taking all my salary since then, and he only gives me little money for my food. He scolds me everytime I overspend a bit even for a food. And if I ask him to buy me something, sometimes he will buy but most of the time not, and he just tell me this is not good for me.etc..

In normal days when I buy food for the two of us, he will always ask me how much the food costs, and where is the change, and would ask me to calculate the spending and the money left, and I have to return the change to him.

Sometimes he treatens not to give me more money because i always overspend. I would cry feeling helpess and sad coz i feel that im losing my selfworth and confidence. he always tells me he loves me and how much i mean to him, but whenever he is angry, he will use all unneccessary words, such as,(you're bloody or f*G stubborn) and sometimes he would kick me.

I ask him why does he need to say hurtful words and kick me, he will say I deserve it for being stubborn and for not listening to him, and that I need to be discipline, I really dun understand as Im always obedient to him, i even stand up when he ask me to just for him to punish me by kicking me.

He is ok and romantic, sweet when he is not angry, but if he is angry, he always tell me there a limit to his patience, I feel so hurt, as i feel that he does not respect me. he controls evrything in the house. Sometimes Im thinking of leaving him, but i am sacred to do so. as all my salary goes to him. I do not have any savings.

I have my parents to look after too and want to help them by sending them some money, but most of the time I cannot help my parents as I dun have money, I have to ask my husbands permission first whether I can send some money to my parents, sometimes he will send money.

Is it right if my husbands continues to keep my salary? Is it a good Idea for me to move out frist and sort out my feelings? I love my husband and care a lot about him, but I feel that I cannot live with him anymore. I am very sad and confused for years now. I got no one to talk to as I do not have any family or relatives in this country except my husband.

Sometimes I prayed for myself to change and be patience towards him, but i am very tired and emotionally broken that I cant bring myself to talk to him.

What should I do...? what is the right thing for me to do without hurting anyone.?

OP posts:
AgathaF · 27/02/2013 10:44

I agree with Claude - when you leave, no note, no phone calls/texts. Just go. Make yourself have no contact with him, just seek legal advice and protect yourself the best way possible financially.

You have no need to apologise to those of us supporting you. I reply because I want to.

AgathaF · 27/02/2013 10:47

Remember that when you leave, if you do have any contact with him he will turn on the charm and manipulate you, or maybe scare you, into returning. Whatever he does will be false. The real him is the abusive, violent man you have already experienced.

That is why you must not contact him or let him contact you by giving him any address for you. Also, try to get to and from work with someone else, because if waiting for you at work is the only means he has to locate you, then that is what he will do.

Jux · 27/02/2013 11:18

Try to behave towards him as you always have, u til you go. Violent men can become more violent when they realise their punchbag is awakening to the reality of the abuse. Then just go. No note, nothing.

Have you tried to talk to the Embassy? You will not lose anything by doing so, but may get a great deal of help, so there is no risk. Embassies are there for their compatriots, that is you right now.

Don't worry about us here. We are all old enough to know what we are doing and to make our own choices about which threads we post on, who we support.

I was brought up RC too. The guilt about everything that I have carried all my life! I have learnt to ignore for the most part, but I've had a lot of practise Wink There's a difficulty in separating what you are responsible for and what you're not. This man is lying to you when he says that he kicks you/punishes you because you have to learn. Even Catholic priests know that learning is better achieved by love and care than punishment, these days. I grew up with Jesuits and they followed that principle even way back then!

elsabel · 27/02/2013 20:41

You poor love. I cant offer any better advice than what the others have given you, but they are right. I hope you get out of this awful relationship and have the life you deserve. Xx

Original poster
ImverySad · 28/02/2013 01:22

NotGoodNotBad , you are definetely helping me:) your advise and encouragement has been a great help from the time ive posted here until now, it helps me clear my head and it help me gain a little bit of my confidence back..

Thank You so much for your time, i would be still stuck in a confused state and feeling miserable and sad if you have not giving me any advise..so its really a great help from all of you.

OP posts:
ripsishere · 28/02/2013 01:27

Ignore the disbelievers (I assume that's what the deleted post was) and concentrate on making concrete plans.
I'm not sure when you get paid (DH was this morning Grin) but do make sure you've got your bank account in place, your passport and any other personal papers you need. If your residency is dependent on him, mine is, get that sorted out too.
I have to say, that if my DH kicked me for any reason, he'd get a swift one back in the nuts and see the front door close on me and our DD.

Original poster
ImverySad · 28/02/2013 01:35

Thanks! claudedebussy , I will keep that in mind, most of the time i didnt think that my h is being manipulative because he is doing so well in making me believe that it is right for him to kick me because ive made him angry and i made a mistake.

OP posts:
Original poster
ImverySad · 28/02/2013 01:41

Thanks AgathaF, yeah definetely not gonna let him know where ill be going and staying, though i believe that he wont go that far to make it difficult for me but like you said, its no harm taking precaution to protect myself, this is the least i could do for myself after years of living in fear(even though i was happy sometimes but i have to watch all my moves or the things that i am going to say and make sure they wont upset or make him angry:( )

OP posts:
Original poster
ImverySad · 28/02/2013 01:45

ripsishere , once again thanks,,youve help me 'lift my spirit':)

(I have to say, that if my DH kicked me for any reason, he'd get a swift one back in the nuts and see the front door close on me and our DD.)

Even though i dont know you that well, but I really admire you...you sound very tough, brave and determine at the same time nice person:) i dont think you H would dare to kick you:)

OP posts:
Original poster
ImverySad · 28/02/2013 01:58

Jux, (Even Catholic priests know that learning is better achieved by love and care than punishment, these days. I grew up with Jesuits and they followed that principle even way back then!)

I do believe it too, but my H injected a poison in my head to make me believe 'kIcking' is normal, when you make a mistakes.

(Try to behave towards him as you always have, u til you go. Violent men can become more violent when they realise their punchbag is awakening to the reality of the abuse. Then just go.)

Thanks for the reminder, i am trying so hard not to make it so obvious, i dont want him to sense any changes from me, but unfortunately i could not stop mysef from ignoring him, because he ignores me too and show his 'black face' that means he is angry at me. Anyway 1 week to go...

OP posts:
Original poster
ImverySad · 28/02/2013 02:03

Thanks elsabel , for the well wishes:) your comment counts too and it helps:)
Dont worry about not being able to help, infact you did:)
the more people wish me well and comment here the more i feel comfortable with my decision of moving on. as i know that you are there supporting me and making me realise that i am in the right path. all thanks to you...

OP posts:
Original poster
ImverySad · 28/02/2013 02:05

thanks rips, yes! my important documents are with me now, there should not be any problem taking them with me:) thanks for the reminder..

OP posts:
ripsishere · 28/02/2013 03:09

Also, clear the history of the computer you are posting from.
I am not sure that I'm brave or anything else. I've been married to a man for almost 26 years. He wouldn't dream of kicking me, nor I him. Respect is the basis of our marriage. I do rip the piss out of him, and him me. It is just in fun though.

Original poster
ImverySad · 28/02/2013 07:23

Thanks rips for sharing:) i envy you for having such a wonderful partner who respect and honour you: if i would tell that to my H to respect me, he would say, he wouldnt have married me if he doesnt respect me...

you know i had a fright when i read some of the post here yesterday (about this thread is not real and its made up) I thougth it was my H found this site and trying to catch me or trying to justify himself Shock it scared the heck out of me..thank goodness...(thats how scared i am of him):(

OP posts:
NotGoodNotBad · 28/02/2013 08:12

As for "kicking" or other physical measures to discipline, what if you had kids? Kids need discipline. Would you kick them? Or knock them around, to help them learn? I rather doubt it! Would your husband though?

And of course, wives do not need discipline of any kind!

AgathaF · 28/02/2013 09:30

Do you have a date in mind for going now? And somewhere to go to?

mrfrancis82 · 28/02/2013 09:46

As a bloke myself it is sad to hear a woman who seems so nice and sweet like you is being treated the way you are. I guess people who are abusive and controlling probably pick up on a person's kindness before they even get together. As you're not in UK, I don't really know what the legislation is like in your country regarding marriage (I Know if you're in a Muslim country, you're not allowed to divorce your husband).
Lots of women here that I know seem to stay in abusive relationships and obviously I'm not in the position to feel what they're going through - but my advice to you is get out and don't tell him where you are. You deserve someone who is nice to you all the time. Someone being angry is not an excuse to be verbally or physically abusive to you.

BanjoPlayingTiger · 28/02/2013 10:28

I'm very sad, I have been wondering how you were. I have been praying that you will have the courage to leave this dreadful situation.

I know that you have said that you believe that once you marry it is for better or for worse, but the bible also says that a man should love his wife like Christ loves the church - in other words be willing to die for them. Is the way your husband treats you the same as the way Christ treated the church? I'm going to say that it isn't.

You sound so lovely and like you have such a big heart. That shows how strong you are to me. You have been through so very much and are still capable of love. You are not a child and you do not deserve to be treated as one.

Do you have somewhere to go? Please delete your Internet history if you are worried about what your husband would do if he found it. Please have a small bag packed so that if needs be you can get out at a moments notice. I know you think your husband wouldn't go any further than he already has, but sometimes we discover that we didn't know a person as well as we thought we did.

I just want to be able to give you a hug and get you out of there, but while i am so far away I will keep posting on here and I will continue to pray for you and your ongoing safety.

ripsishere · 01/03/2013 00:20

The offer still stands if you fancy a bit of Malaysia for a couple of weeks.
I don't think I've got a remarkable marriage. In my opinion, it's humdrum and dull in many ways.
I am happy you don't have children though.

Original poster
ImverySad · 01/03/2013 05:30

AgathaF,thanks for asking.. yes, i already have somewhere to go, will be renting a room for now..ill be moving in middle of nextweek.

OP posts:
Original poster
ImverySad · 01/03/2013 05:36

thanks mrfrancis82, its so nice of your to comment here:) it will be over soon...

Luckily i am not married to a muslim man, otherwise it will be difficult to do anything to get out..

OP posts:
Original poster
ImverySad · 01/03/2013 06:16

BanjoPlayingTiger, thank you..your messages is such heart warming..thanks for your support and prayer:)

Yes I do believe, that once you married the person (especially in the church) you should not separate and or divorce at any cost.

But right now, i have no energy left to keep on fighting for my marriage to work, im very tired and exhausted believing and hoping that my H would change
and do his part to make our marriage last.

I feel that i am the only one working so hard to make it work for us.(He always tell me that i dont understand him at all,(while here i am tolerating and enduring his verbal and somtimes physical abuse, even if i didnt start the arguments/fight, i would still apologise to him, even though i didnt know what i did wrong.) I feel like telling him, 'how much do you understand me? (but i couldnt tell him that..

Even little things we fight and most of the time 'I agree to disagree with him' coz i feel that there are a lot of things we dont agree..but i feel that we've come this far bacause of my endurance and tolerance with his behaviour and treatment towards me when he is angry.

Sometimes I would tell him that Life is very short to waste it and get angry over a small things,(im not sure if he understand it though) im not even sure if my thoughts are important to him..

Anyway, thanks again Banjo, your comment is more than enough for me, thanks again for your support. and oh sorry for the long message...

OP posts:
Original poster
ImverySad · 01/03/2013 06:20

rips, 'The offer still stands if you fancy a bit of Malaysia for a couple of weeks.'

I wish I can, i'd love to go away to clear my head...but I cannot at the moment as there are a lot of things going on in my workplace, I need to be here:(

But thanks rips, youve been very kind to me..thanks for your continues support.
I really appreciate your time.:)

OP posts:
Original poster
ImverySad · 01/03/2013 06:21

That is 1 thing i am thankful for, I dont have any kids..otherwise it will be a triple pain and heartache for me..

OP posts:
HappySunflower · 05/03/2013 22:59

Hello Imverysad, I have been keeping an eye on your thread and am so sorry for the situation that you find yourself in.
I was just wondering how you are?
I hope that your plans to move are going positively.