My Husband is taking All my Salary and Only Gives me enough Allowance for Food!

[ImverySad]

Hi Everyone,

Im just hoping if anyone could help me with a piece of advise.

I am married for 3 yrs plus now, and I've been working for nearly 1/2 year now, My husband is taking all my salary since then, and he only gives me little money for my food. He scolds me everytime I overspend a bit even for a food. And if I ask him to buy me something, sometimes he will buy but most of the time not, and he just tell me this is not good for me.etc..

In normal days when I buy food for the two of us, he will always ask me how much the food costs, and where is the change, and would ask me to calculate the spending and the money left, and I have to return the change to him.

Sometimes he treatens not to give me more money because i always overspend. I would cry feeling helpess and sad coz i feel that im losing my selfworth and confidence. he always tells me he loves me and how much i mean to him, but whenever he is angry, he will use all unneccessary words, such as,(you're bloody or f*G stubborn) and sometimes he would kick me.

I ask him why does he need to say hurtful words and kick me, he will say I deserve it for being stubborn and for not listening to him, and that I need to be discipline, I really dun understand as Im always obedient to him, i even stand up when he ask me to just for him to punish me by kicking me.

He is ok and romantic, sweet when he is not angry, but if he is angry, he always tell me there a limit to his patience, I feel so hurt, as i feel that he does not respect me. he controls evrything in the house. Sometimes Im thinking of leaving him, but i am sacred to do so. as all my salary goes to him. I do not have any savings.

I have my parents to look after too and want to help them by sending them some money, but most of the time I cannot help my parents as I dun have money, I have to ask my husbands permission first whether I can send some money to my parents, sometimes he will send money.

Is it right if my husbands continues to keep my salary? Is it a good Idea for me to move out frist and sort out my feelings? I love my husband and care a lot about him, but I feel that I cannot live with him anymore. I am very sad and confused for years now. I got no one to talk to as I do not have any family or relatives in this country except my husband.

Sometimes I prayed for myself to change and be patience towards him, but i am very tired and emotionally broken that I cant bring myself to talk to him.

What should I do...? what is the right thing for me to do without hurting anyone.?

gathaF: I really hope so, actually this is not my first time to run away, i did it before but my H ask me to come back, and i did.

the 2nd time i run away, i also came back because i was worried for him. hope this time round i'll have a more clarity in mind and able to see the situation and not feel bad about it.

Jux : Thank you for the encouragement, i just dont understand, now that ive decided to move out, my h look so pitiful and lonely, i feel so bad and yes it somehow make me weak again, thinking of whether should i leave or not. is it because i feel guilty thats why im feeling this way? or is it because of fear and not sure if what im doing is right or not?

I really hope so, actually this is not my first time to run away, i did it before but my H ask me to come back, and i did - try not to think of it as "running away". You are a capable, adult woman who has made the (correct) decision to leave your abusive husband. You are not running away like a naughty child, you have every right to make that decision and put it into action.

You are not responsible for his happiness, are you? Whether you are there or not, if he wants to be abusive/miserable/whatever, he will be. All on his own and without your presence. Think about it, you being there has not made him happy, has it? So why should you feel that you need to stay with him to stop him from looking pitiful?

Also, you do realise that he is putting on the pity face, don't you? He wants you to feel bad because that way he has more control over you. I bet he didn't look pitiful when he was kicking you though, did he? I bet you looking hurt (when he kicked and verbally abused you) didn't stop him from doing it, did it? No, of course it didn't. Because he doesn't care about you. He just cares about himself. He likes having you around as a punchbag, as a possession. That is all.

So, make your plans. Follow them through. Make a clean break and don't look back. Start a new life on your own.

AgathaF, thanks you've written a strong message here that wake me up from my confused state. and youve made it clearer for me to see the real situation. Thanks for your time:)

Im sorry that i really dont know what else to say for now, i can only read your encouragements and message from here.

I really hope that he will change, as i will still give him a chance if he is willing to change his behaviour for good. afterall, he is still my husband, the person that i wanted to spend my life with. I can still continue to care for him though we wont be living in the same house?

Please don't fall into the trap of believing he will change if you stick around. By the sounds of it he has had ample opportunity to do so already. Hoping against hope will make you very unhappy, oppress you and give him more control. By playing the injured party he knows he can manipulate you into staying but that is far from an equal relationship. Is he by any chance a fair bit older than you ?

He has had his chance. You left and came back - and your leaving wasn't a wake-up call for him to change his behaviour.

You're worried about him feeling lonely? You're too nice! Time to be nice to yourself though.

Well, although I can understand that you hope he will change his behaviour, you have to be realistic about it. You said that you left him before, but went back to him. He didn't change after that. There is absolutely no reason to think that he will change now. All the time you are waiting and hoping and forgiving, what you are actually doing is prolonging. Prolonging your pain (his too really). Like taking a plaster off slowly. Easiest to just rip the plaster off and get the inevitable over with, yes? Same here with your situation. It is easier for you, and for him, if you decisively make the break and stay away.

Don't keep going back, don't keep having contact with him - if you do that then I can almost guarantee that in one years time, you will be right back to where you are now. The only difference will be that you will have caused yourself hurt and anguish, and you will be in a weaker position than ever.

What I really strongly suggest you do, if at all possible, is try to get some kind of therapy or counselling, to help you to raise your self esteem. You really need to learn to love and respect yourself a lot more than you currently do. I think there are free online courses you can do - I just googled and came across this. I don't know how good they are, but they might be worth having a look at.

LIZS : Yes he is 10 years older than I am, He do make me feel that i am guilty thuogh, that i was in the wrong, that i should listen to him, right now though i know my plans very well, but his action makes me feel very bad and make me feel i am the bully and the ungrafteful one:(

He is older than i am, and i am not born in this countrym that is why he controls evrything, coz he says im still very young and dont know what to do.:(

NotGoodNotBad , yes, ive been giving him a chance for 2 years now, i keep hoping and never stop believing in him that he would change, certain times he's too nice and very caring towards me, that is why, when i think of those times makes me feel sad about me leaving him.

He can be very loving and kind to me at times, just that when he gets angry, as in really angry, he can be scary too:(

AgathaF: again,thanks so much. yeah probably my mistake that i keep coming back when i left him that time. As for the counselling, ive sent an email to ask for more information and for me to make an appointment.

And thanks for the link, in my situation i know that, i need some help to cure my childhood truama and emotional abuse right now. my H knows my childhood and konws that i am traumatised and emotionally weak. soemtimes he would talk to me and tells me that everything will be alright as he is around and wont abandon me.

He is not going to change, not permanently. He will change his behaviour on a temporary basis in order to gain your sympathy, to pull you back in, and then he'll change back to the vile abusive bully that he is.

You've left him twice, so you've seen him change, and then change back. That will go on forever, if you let it. If you don't want this to be the pattern of your life until the day you die, then leave and never go back, and have nothing more to do with him. Shut him out.

"he says im still very young and dont know what to do"

How patronising. If you are old enough to be married, you are old enough to make your own choices - not allow him to make them for you.

"my H knows my childhood and konws that i am traumatised and emotionally weak"

He doesn't support you in overcoming your childhood - he takes advantage of it.

Jux , how i wish i can have that courage and strength like you have, i could have make a decision long time ago and save myself from this pain.

how i wish i can have that courage and strength like you have - you can have that courage and strength. It is inside of you this very minute. You have to choose to use it. It is like lots of things, like exercising, the more often you use it, the easier it will become. You can do this.

"how i wish i can have that courage and strength like you have"

Your husband is undermining your courage, telling you that you are young and ignorant and need to listen to him. When you are away from him you will start to build your strength to live your own life, not his.

I had a boyfriend like this once - only 4 years older but he would tell me that I was young and naive, and when I was maturer and wiser like him I would see things differently. He didn't last long!

Imverysad I really hope you follow through and leave this guy.

He's telling you he won't abandon you? It would be better for you if he did.

Lundy Bancroft's "Why does he do that" is really worth reading - you will recognise your husband in its pages and it will stop you feeling responsible for him. You aren't responsible for him. Also, it will help you to ensure that you recognise someone abusive like him in future so you don't get involved with a similar man.

He has broken his marriage vows - he promised to love and cherish you and he hasn't done, he has abused and controlled you. You are morally and legally entitled to divorce him and in fact, if the religious issues still bother you, you can also get your marriage annulled under Canon Law. The church will recognise that it was never a true marriage and if you want to in future, you will be able to get married in the catholic church to a man who won't control and abuse you, but love and cherish you like he promises.

Once you've sorted out the practicalities of actually escaping from this man, you can ask your priest for directions on how to annul your marriage within the catholic church. It's not a very difficult or expensive process and many people get it done now. So that's one more thing you don't need to worry about. Soon you'll be free.

Hi Imverysad,

In case nobodies said it, you also need to contact the Philippines embassy in Singapore ASAP and inform them of your situation, preferably once you're in a safe place. Tell them you've left your abusive husband, you're on a work visa, and you're living in XYZ and that under NO CIRCUMSTANCES are they to reveal your were abouts to your husband.

Were you married in the Philippines? If so, ask them to recommend a lawyer who specializes in, or at least has experience in, marriage law in the Philippines, as I believe you aren't eligible for divorce, but you might be able to pursue an annulment.

You need to alert your embassy in case, as a Malaysian citizen, he tries to get you arrested, tries to cancel your work visa, tries to find you etc. Or, in the worst case scenario, he comes after you and tries to hurt you.

They can also council you as to your rights as a non-Singaporean on a work visa.

I currently live in the Middle East and I know A LOT of Filipina's here, many in marriages with other nationalities and I can assure you that this is not the first time your embassy will have dealt with something like this.

Good luck with leaving your rat-bastard of a husband, he doesn't deserve you.

As Agatha says, you do have that strength inside you. You have the strength to stand up when he tells you to, even when you know he's going to kick you. Now, you need to channel that strength in another diection, towards freeing yourself.

I know nothing of living in Singapore, so I reiterate CrackerJack's advice to contact your embassy and tell them everything. Enlist their help.

FastidiaBlueberry:, Yes I often imagine that my 'how i wish that my h would just abandon me..that way i would not feel guilty and sorry for him like i am now:(

I am really very scared and frighten right now, i dont know what he will do once he find out that i am leaving him.

We got married here in SG and not in PH so divorce should be fine if ever i want to, just that im so scared right now that my heart feels like its going to explode anytime and i feel that im gonna have a breakdown soon:( Im really shaking when i see my H when i come back form work, his face looks so serious and showing black face, (its to tell me that he is unhappy of something)

I rarely post something on mumsnet and I'm afraid I don't have any advice for you either that hasn't been said before, but I just wanted to tell you that you sound unbelievably strong and just all round amazing. I am 100% sure that you have the courage you need to leave him. He DEFINITELY doesn't deserve you! You seem to be full of life and so positive, I'm not sure if I would be able to maintain such a positive outlook if I were in your situation.

I really hope everything works out for you. Wish I could be more of a help, but I wish you all the best, once you manage to set up your own life I'm sure you won't regret it for a second. Take care xxx

CrackerJackShack:, Thanks for your very useful info. I didnt realise this at all, thanks so much everyone for your support, energy and time.

As for my H, i dont really think that he would get me arrested or cancel my work visa, (I know he wont go that far, i believe he still care about me even though he controls evrything,he is kind hearted at times) but who knows what he will do when i leave out of anger:(

You actually sound very scared - he is being emotionally abusive by suggesting this is your fault, by word or action. He knows you are vulnerable and have had a difficult past yet he still persists . Good luck.

NeonGolden, Thanks..!
Actually, I am all over the place now, there are times I am determine and strong, but there are times I could be very weak emotionally, and really thanks to people here giving me direction and advise on what to do and how to live my life to the fullest.

He doesn't care about you. People don't kick people they care about. Please don't underestimate what he might do. He sees you as a possession, his possession to control as he sees fit. He will be angry when he realises that control has gone and may act differently to how you expect. Protect yourself from the unknown and notify whoever you need to, as recommended by CrackerJackShack. It won't harm you to do so, but may cause you lots of problems if you don't.