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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My Husband is taking All my Salary and Only Gives me enough Allowance for Food!

262 replies

ImverySad · 14/02/2013 07:25

Hi Everyone,

Im just hoping if anyone could help me with a piece of advise.

I am married for 3 yrs plus now, and I've been working for nearly 1/2 year now, My husband is taking all my salary since then, and he only gives me little money for my food. He scolds me everytime I overspend a bit even for a food. And if I ask him to buy me something, sometimes he will buy but most of the time not, and he just tell me this is not good for me.etc..

In normal days when I buy food for the two of us, he will always ask me how much the food costs, and where is the change, and would ask me to calculate the spending and the money left, and I have to return the change to him.

Sometimes he treatens not to give me more money because i always overspend. I would cry feeling helpess and sad coz i feel that im losing my selfworth and confidence. he always tells me he loves me and how much i mean to him, but whenever he is angry, he will use all unneccessary words, such as,(you're bloody or f*G stubborn) and sometimes he would kick me.

I ask him why does he need to say hurtful words and kick me, he will say I deserve it for being stubborn and for not listening to him, and that I need to be discipline, I really dun understand as Im always obedient to him, i even stand up when he ask me to just for him to punish me by kicking me.

He is ok and romantic, sweet when he is not angry, but if he is angry, he always tell me there a limit to his patience, I feel so hurt, as i feel that he does not respect me. he controls evrything in the house. Sometimes Im thinking of leaving him, but i am sacred to do so. as all my salary goes to him. I do not have any savings.

I have my parents to look after too and want to help them by sending them some money, but most of the time I cannot help my parents as I dun have money, I have to ask my husbands permission first whether I can send some money to my parents, sometimes he will send money.

Is it right if my husbands continues to keep my salary? Is it a good Idea for me to move out frist and sort out my feelings? I love my husband and care a lot about him, but I feel that I cannot live with him anymore. I am very sad and confused for years now. I got no one to talk to as I do not have any family or relatives in this country except my husband.

Sometimes I prayed for myself to change and be patience towards him, but i am very tired and emotionally broken that I cant bring myself to talk to him.

What should I do...? what is the right thing for me to do without hurting anyone.?

OP posts:
Original poster
ImverySad · 26/02/2013 08:48

all along what i believe, is that the key to happiness is to be with someone you love and sacrifice for that person, the person that you want to protect, And I thought i could protect him, love him with all my heart, take care of him and understand him.

And i thought once youve decided to be with that person, theres should no turning back, no buts but you have to live together for better for worse. Now, its gone, my hope and dreams with him is gone, im so scared to carry on with life alone, after beingt married for 3 yrs plus with him. I feel so lonely and empty right now.

If only i could change the situation where he dont have to be so controlling, if only we could carry on living happily as a family. why it has to be like this, i though marriage should be for lifetime.:(

How did it turn out this way...Im so lonely and scared.

OP posts:
Original poster
ImverySad · 26/02/2013 08:50

AgathaF, i will definetely take neccessary action to protect myself, i will follow your advise. :)

OP posts:
AgathaF · 26/02/2013 08:58

Now, its gone, my hope and dreams with him is gone - those dreams were never real though. They were fantasy. He is not the kind of material to make a good home with. Which is why you need a clean break and to forget about 'mending' him. He cannot be mended and nor can your relationship.

I am so glad that you don't have children with him though. He would see children as his possessions too. He would want to control, manipulate and abuse. That would be an awful home to bring a child into.

NotGoodNotBad · 26/02/2013 09:03

"I am so glad that you don't have children with him though."

Quite agree. Once you leave, if you can stay strong, you will be free. Smile

Jux · 27/02/2013 01:39

Oh yes, that is one thing you can be seriously thankful for, Imvery. Please make sure it stays that way! Be very careful with contraceptive while you're still with him.

Original poster
ImverySad · 27/02/2013 02:24

Thanks guys...im not really worried of getting pregnant, coz he doesnt want to have kids at the moment and we are not really 'active' right now. He dont even talk to me and and nowadays so cold and show face that he is unhappy.

OP posts:
Original poster
ImverySad · 27/02/2013 02:27

NotGoodNotBad, i really hope so, i am quiet determine to leave now, just that i sometimes weaker and think that maybe leaving is not th right way of solving this etc, that is why a big thank you to all of you posting here and give some advise and encouragement, that really keep me strong by reading all your useful comments.

OP posts:
Original poster
ImverySad · 27/02/2013 02:32

Oh yeah,i did ask him and talk to him nicely before, (about the kicking part) and he said, he needs to kick me to descipline me because im young, and only by kicking me i will remember and wont repeat my mistakes or by making him angry of the things i do.

And that, by kicking i will learn fast, he also did told me that, it pains him kicking me, but he has no choice except that so that i would learn fast. (I really dont understand) I thought desciplining is only for parents to their kids? I didnt know its also applies for marriage/relationships?

OP posts:
Original poster
ImverySad · 27/02/2013 02:47

How do i get over him without being so lonely..? I know you guys have told me what to do to get out grom here, but forgetting and getting over with my H is not easy, and the thought of me separating him is freaking me out, i still love him very much:( how do i deal with this situation guys after making decision of leaving?

This marriage is my 'longest time in relationship', i didnt have many partners before i got married, so this one is consider my first painful and difficult separation. Does anyone out there in similar situation,..? please tell me how to overcome this, (as my heart keep telling me to protect my H and still love him)

am i going crazy..?or am i just guilty?

OP posts:
nailak · 27/02/2013 02:57

You will go through grieving for your relationship, it will be hard, you will miss your husband.

Then you will realise that you are better then that. This man chose you, he knew you had no support, you have lost contact with all your friends. You will learn how to be independant and confident, and have esteem.

Once you are out you will be able to realise it is not normal. You already realise you cannot live like this, bring a child in to this.

You say you are religious, pray to God to guide you and give you strength.

Original poster
ImverySad · 27/02/2013 03:43

Thanks ailak, for your encouragements, you are right though, even i have not move out yet, im already in state of missing my H, and the thougt of us living in separate ways makes me sad, it feels like my heart is being dug out. its so.. freaking pianful:(

OP posts:
Original poster
ImverySad · 27/02/2013 03:49

Yes i am praying, I am praying for my H to be fine, im praying that he wont be so lonely and sad without me, and that he will be able to take care of himself and carry on living.

I pray that he will be strong, I pray all the possible good things for him..
and i know he will be dissapointed in me for giving up.:( and i can expect hatred from him too:(

I just hope if ever he finds another partner, i hope he will cherish that person and wont abuse them, and i hope that the person can love him and take care of him. I wish him happiness and comfort. I wish him to be strong.

OP posts:
ripsishere · 27/02/2013 03:52

IMO, you'd be better off praying for yourself. Then pray that if your DH does find another woman, she kicks him back.

Original poster
ImverySad · 27/02/2013 04:44

ripsishere , haha you've a point there:)

OP posts:
ripsishere · 27/02/2013 04:51

Of course I do. i imagine, coming from PH you are RC? IMO and experience, it makes you feel guilty about everything. My DH was brought up RC and continues to attend church.
Some of the things he's told me he was made to feel guilty about astonish me.
Wishing you continued strength.

AgathaF · 27/02/2013 07:30

Your H got along and lived his life before he met you - he will continue to function and get on with his life once you have left.

Please, stop worrying about him. He is not worth it. He is cruel and not deserving of your time or affection.

moogy1a · 27/02/2013 08:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

AgathaF · 27/02/2013 08:46

moogy1a - I think it would have been more appropriate to report the thread then, rather than risk cutting off support for someone.

NotGoodNotBad · 27/02/2013 08:56

"he needs to kick me to descipline me because im young, and only by kicking me i will remember and wont repeat my mistakes or by making him angry of the things i do"

Fuck that! (This from someone who almost never swears.)

"How do i get over him without being so lonely."

See the above!

Original poster
ImverySad · 27/02/2013 09:02

moogy1a , if you think what is written here is made up, then you should not be posting here, (you should just walk away and ig nore this and wont follow it like you said (sorry no offence dont mean to be rude), but im posting here to get some support and advise from people experiencing the same, and i am trying to figure out what is the best and right thing to do.

Further more, what ive written here is the absolute truth, im not forcing anyone to comment here nor begging them to side me, but anyways you are open to make any comment, you have the right.

OP posts:
AgathaF · 27/02/2013 09:03

And that, by kicking i will learn fast, he also did told me that, it pains him kicking me, but he has no choice except that so that i would learn fast. (I really dont understand) I thought desciplining is only for parents to their kids? I didnt know its also applies for marriage/relationships? No-one has the right to kick another person (or animal), for any reason apart from self-defense. Your spouse should be your partner/equal, not disciplinarian. It makes me wonder how he would treat a child - kick them, hit them? What a vile person.

Original poster
ImverySad · 27/02/2013 09:07

to all people who have been commenting here so far, i would like to apologise for taking up so much of your time, and for making you read my long comments and thanks too for your time and support. I apologise if i have offended anyone of you here..

OP posts:
Original poster
ImverySad · 27/02/2013 09:11

thanks AgathaF, for believing me and supporting me so far, its been a great help:) Thanks for your time, and I apologize

OP posts:
NotGoodNotBad · 27/02/2013 09:13

I'm very happy to give you my time, I hope we are helping you.

claudedebussy · 27/02/2013 09:23

imverysad, you're doing so well.

when he says things like how much he loves you etc. just remember that his actions are very different. someone who loves you would not ask you to stand up so they can kick you. love means respect, honour, wanting the best for that person.

of course he is being as manipulative as he can be. he stands to lose his servant, kicking post and money maker. he's stealing YOUR money and depriving you of things that YOU'VE worked for.

you're right to leave. but i think you shouldn't change your behaviour. i'm worried that he'll sense something is up and become more violent.

please take care. keep your head down and just LEAVE.

NO NOTE.