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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My Husband is taking All my Salary and Only Gives me enough Allowance for Food!

262 replies

ImverySad · 14/02/2013 07:25

Hi Everyone,

Im just hoping if anyone could help me with a piece of advise.

I am married for 3 yrs plus now, and I've been working for nearly 1/2 year now, My husband is taking all my salary since then, and he only gives me little money for my food. He scolds me everytime I overspend a bit even for a food. And if I ask him to buy me something, sometimes he will buy but most of the time not, and he just tell me this is not good for me.etc..

In normal days when I buy food for the two of us, he will always ask me how much the food costs, and where is the change, and would ask me to calculate the spending and the money left, and I have to return the change to him.

Sometimes he treatens not to give me more money because i always overspend. I would cry feeling helpess and sad coz i feel that im losing my selfworth and confidence. he always tells me he loves me and how much i mean to him, but whenever he is angry, he will use all unneccessary words, such as,(you're bloody or f*G stubborn) and sometimes he would kick me.

I ask him why does he need to say hurtful words and kick me, he will say I deserve it for being stubborn and for not listening to him, and that I need to be discipline, I really dun understand as Im always obedient to him, i even stand up when he ask me to just for him to punish me by kicking me.

He is ok and romantic, sweet when he is not angry, but if he is angry, he always tell me there a limit to his patience, I feel so hurt, as i feel that he does not respect me. he controls evrything in the house. Sometimes Im thinking of leaving him, but i am sacred to do so. as all my salary goes to him. I do not have any savings.

I have my parents to look after too and want to help them by sending them some money, but most of the time I cannot help my parents as I dun have money, I have to ask my husbands permission first whether I can send some money to my parents, sometimes he will send money.

Is it right if my husbands continues to keep my salary? Is it a good Idea for me to move out frist and sort out my feelings? I love my husband and care a lot about him, but I feel that I cannot live with him anymore. I am very sad and confused for years now. I got no one to talk to as I do not have any family or relatives in this country except my husband.

Sometimes I prayed for myself to change and be patience towards him, but i am very tired and emotionally broken that I cant bring myself to talk to him.

What should I do...? what is the right thing for me to do without hurting anyone.?

OP posts:
Bilbobagginstummy · 14/02/2013 07:29

Can you just go back to your parents?

HollyBerryBush · 14/02/2013 07:31

Are you in a clash of cultures? Is this an arranged marriage?

AThingInYourLife · 14/02/2013 07:32

Go into a bank.

Open a new bank account in your sole name.

Ask work for the form to mandate having your salary paid into your bank account.

Fill in details of your new account.

Spend your money on getting away from this cunt.

Sirzy · 14/02/2013 07:32

You need to get out. No wonder you feel emotionally broken, thats because you are being emotionally abused.

You should either have a joint account which you both have equal access to, or your own accounts which your own wages get paid into.No way should he be taking everything.

TanteRose · 14/02/2013 07:34

this is called financial abuse

you need to have your salary paid into your own bank account and find a way to leave this man

CelticPromise · 14/02/2013 07:35

He is abusive, and the right thing to do is to leave. You have your own work and money. You will be fine. Do you have anyone to support you in real life?

Pozzled · 14/02/2013 07:39

The right thing to do is to leave. You are being abused- physically, emotionally and financially.

It probably seems impossible now, but keep posting on here and start to make plans, the more you think about it the more it will feel that you can do it. Contact women's aid, make sure you have all your documents together and accessible, try to talk to a friend in real life if you can, or your parents for some emotional support.

You can't change your husband, but you can change your own actions- you need to realise that you don't deserve this and don't have to live with it.

whattodoo · 14/02/2013 07:39

None of the behavior you describe is right.

It is abuse and you should definitely contact Women's Aid to seek advice in leaving him.

You deserve much better

SchmancyPants · 14/02/2013 07:39

You are being emotionally, physically and financially abused and should make steps to get out NOW before things get worse. Do you have supportive friends/family nearby at all?

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 14/02/2013 07:40

Open a bank account in your sole name. Have your work pay your salary into that account.

You must also, eventually, leave this man: he is abusive, and he will not change. He will slowly chip away at you until you are a depressed and entrapped wreck.

Please read the links at the start of this thread and talk to the women there: they are also going through what you are.

ginslinger · 14/02/2013 07:40

I think you should leave as soon as you can. You can contact these people www.womensaid.org.uk/landing_page.asp?section=000100010018

good luck

ginslinger · 14/02/2013 07:40

sorry www.womensaid.org.uk/landing_page.asp?section=000100010018

AgathaF · 14/02/2013 07:41

What AThing said about the bank account and getting your salary paid in to it.

Also Women's Aid can help you to leave safely and support you to find housing etc.

Do you really love him, or do you think you do because it is your duty to?

You do know that he is abusing you, don't you? Financially, emotionally, physically.

Pozzled · 14/02/2013 07:43

Just to say- don't do anything that will make your husband suspicious. Open a new bank account, but don't let him know- and don't get your salary paid into your own account until it's safe to do so. From what you have posted I would be very worried about your husband's reaction if/when he finds out.

WeAreEternal · 14/02/2013 07:52

What previous posters have said is exactly what I would advise.

Open your own account, today if possible, it is very quick and simple to do.
Tell work that you have a new bank account and to pay your salary into the new account.

Call womens aid, they can offer practical advice and support.

Most abused women hold off leaving because they think that they can't go without money to start a fresh, you don't need anything. Women's aid will help you.

Good luck

AgathaF · 14/02/2013 07:57

Women's Aid will be able to advise you on how to do this stuff.

Remember to clear search history etc on your computer/phone.

eminemmerdale · 14/02/2013 07:58

But if she opens her own account and has her money paid in, surely it will make him more abusive?? She sounds horribly sad and scared :(

BusyHomemaker · 14/02/2013 08:04

This is emotional and financial abuse which are classed as domestic violence. Please please please take some steps to protect yourself. Open a separate bank account and arrange for your salary to be paid into it. Pack a bag with your essentials... passport, birth cert, marriage cert, spare keys and some cash and store it at a friend's or with someone you can trust. Call the national domestic violence helpline for advice... they are fantastic. Their number is 0808 2000 247 They will help you to discuss how the violence is making you feel and can offer practical advice. Pay your doctor a visit and ask them to record the effect this abuse is having on you. I have just left my emotionally abusive husband. It's not easy but you deserve a good life and autonomy over your own financial affairs. Good luck and stay safe x

Original poster
ImverySad · 14/02/2013 08:08

Guys.. thank you very much for your helpful advise..I really appreciate it..May God Bless all of you and your family. (Pls pardon my english as it is not so good, not my first language).

Unfortunately, I cannot go back to my parents, as they are too old and not working anymore, we are poor family, and I dun want them to worry about me.

This is not an arrange marriage, I got married young and did not know my husband would be like this, I came from a broken family, actually its very complicated, my parents are not my biological parents, but they raised me painstakingly since young. as for my real parents, I do not know where they are, its been 26 years now but they never find me or look me up.

In short, I am on my own to find ways to figure this out, I got no relatives to turn to, my guardian parents are too old to help out, and they are also depending on me my financially.

OP posts:
ledkr · 14/02/2013 08:14

Have you contacted women's aid op?
No it is not normal to take your money not is it normal to kick your partner or anyone was for that matter.
Are you involved with a church? Could you get help from them.
If you want to leave women's aid will help you to sort out money and somewhere to live. Please at least phone them, they can get a translator if necessary for you.

Walkacrossthesand · 14/02/2013 08:18

OP, he has no right to behave like this. No right at all. We are in the 21st century, and he has no more right to dictate how you spend your earnings, than you do his. This is not you being stubborn - it's basic equal rights, which we have had for a century. Please follow the advice above and start planning how you will leave. How is marital separation viewed in your culture, will your parents be supportive, do you have friends who will help you? Keep posting!

Original poster
ImverySad · 14/02/2013 08:18

Thanks for your advise, I feel slightly better after reading all the comments, atleast I know someone out there knows my situation.

I really hope I can gather my courage ang stregth to settle this.

OP posts:
TheMightyLois · 14/02/2013 08:20

ImverySad - are you in the UK?

NeverQuiteSure · 14/02/2013 08:23

As someone else said, please remember to cover your tracks by deleting your Internet history here is how If you are using a computer you can usually choose to open an 'incognito' window which will leave no record for your husband to find. The easiest way to open this is to click on a link with your left mouse button and select 'open in incognito window' or similar.

It sounds like your husband has encouraged you not to make friends and community links, but you will be surprised at the help that will be offered if you ask. Try asking a work colleague perhaps.

You will build a wonderful life for yourself.

Original poster
ImverySad · 14/02/2013 08:28

Thanks againd guys.. Another problem is, I do not have any relatives or very close friend in this country, as I just move here 3 years ago after i got married, all my close friends are far away, they are in my hometown in another country.

But rest assured that all your advises will not go waste, as I would seriously think about what to do next.

Regards,

[Message has been edited by MNHQ to protect the OP's anonymity]

OP posts: