My Husband is taking All my Salary and Only Gives me enough Allowance for Food!

[ImverySad]

Hi Everyone,

Im just hoping if anyone could help me with a piece of advise.


I am married for 3 yrs plus now, and I've been working for nearly 1/2 year now, My husband is taking all my salary since then, and he only gives me little money for my food. He scolds me everytime I overspend a bit even for a food. And if I ask him to buy me something, sometimes he will buy but most of the time not, and he just tell me this is not good for me.etc..

In normal days when I buy food for the two of us, he will always ask me how much the food costs, and where is the change, and would ask me to calculate the spending and the money left, and I have to return the change to him.

Sometimes he treatens not to give me more money because i always overspend. I would cry feeling helpess and sad coz i feel that im losing my selfworth and confidence. he always tells me he loves me and how much i mean to him, but whenever he is angry, he will use all unneccessary words, such as,(you're bloody or f*G stubborn) and sometimes he would kick me.

I ask him why does he need to say hurtful words and kick me, he will say I deserve it for being stubborn and for not listening to him, and that I need to be discipline, I really dun understand as Im always obedient to him, i even stand up when he ask me to just for him to punish me by kicking me.

He is ok and romantic, sweet when he is not angry, but if he is angry, he always tell me there a limit to his patience, I feel so hurt, as i feel that he does not respect me. he controls evrything in the house. Sometimes Im thinking of leaving him, but i am sacred to do so. as all my salary goes to him. I do not have any savings.

I have my parents to look after too and want to help them by sending them some money, but most of the time I cannot help my parents as I dun have money, I have to ask my husbands permission first whether I can send some money to my parents, sometimes he will send money.

Is it right if my husbands continues to keep my salary? Is it a good Idea for me to move out frist and sort out my feelings? I love my husband and care a lot about him, but I feel that I cannot live with him anymore. I am very sad and confused for years now. I got no one to talk to as I do not have any family or relatives in this country except my husband.

Sometimes I prayed for myself to change and be patience towards him, but i am very tired and emotionally broken that I cant bring myself to talk to him.

What should I do...? what is the right thing for me to do without hurting anyone.?

[AngelWreakinHavoc]

Bless You op. No one deserves to be treat like that. Are You in the UK?

[JenaiMorris]

Your husband is a hideous bully and you need to leave (ideally you need to kick him out but that's easier said than done I imagine).

Is he British? Do you have children together?

Please listen to everyone else about contacting Women's Aid. As soon as possible.

[NotGoodNotBad]

"my heart is bleeding..thinking of when is this gonna end."

It will end when he is out of your life. Takes your money, kicks you, doesn't let you dance or watch TV that you like...

"He is ok and romantic, sweet when he is not angry"

That's really not enough.

How does he take your money? Keep it and leave.

[squeakytoy]

Are you Korean? Are you married to a korean?

[Lueji]

Agreeing with everyone else.

Make sure your salary is paid into a different account in your sole name.

Try to find some organisation that can help you and protect you in your country.
Failing that, contact a solicitor to determine your best course of action regarding separation from your husband.

[Xiaoxiong]

squeaky I just picked up on that too, that OP might be Korean.

If you are, annyong haseyo Imverysad and do you go to church? We go to H-Mart in New Malden a lot and I have seen signs for Korean churches. If you would feel more comfortable talking to a Korean pastor for help than calling Women's Aid please think about looking at kingscrosschurch.com/ or www.londonkc.com/

Don't know how to put hangul on Mumsnet but haeng uneul binda and please come back for more support.

Genchanueul guhya.

disclaimer: have used almost every schoolyard Korean phrase I remember in this post...

[SPBInDisguise]

What's the significance of op being Korean?

[Xiaoxiong]

I got no one to talk to as I do not have any family or relatives in this country except my husband.

I am not allowed to watch korean drama as my husband does not like it

Just guessing at OP's nationality but if she is Korean, there is a friendly and welcoming Korean community in the UK she may not know about if she has only been here a few years. Also she has apologized a couple of times for her (actually excellent) English, so may feel more comfortable speaking to someone in her mother language than calling Women's Aid.

[SPBInDisguise]

Oh missed the Korean dramas. Thanks, was just wondering.

[squeakytoy]

I live near new Malden too (it has the highest Korean community in the uk) and would certainly be some kind of support there for the op.

[SPBInDisguise]

Hope that is the case then. Sounds like the OP desperately needs some RL support. Just hope they don't have children.

[ImverySad]

To: All Caring Women/Wives and Mother's out there,

I cant thank you enough for all the support and advises you're giving me.


Many of you asked me to seek help, yes it sounds easy but guys i am scared and terrified to do anything now, im nervous even just by doing this. my partner noticed that I am very quiet nowadays. Thoug I am not doing anything yet.

You know guys, my partners mom is very kind to me, she treats me very well, but she does not know my situation as i do not want her to worry as she is not in good health, and we seldom see each other.

I have no kids yet, though I love to have one but I am afraid knowing that my relationship with my partner is not good, I do not want my kids to be affected with my unstable marriage or worst to be molested by neighbours when young (like what happend to me when i was only 9 yrs old).

For those having a similar story like me, Pls do not lose hope, or never give up, there are many times that I got so depressed and wanted to end my life, but friends, one thing i realise, no matter what you are going thru, do not give up. Life is beautiful and precious. Do not punish yourself by ending your life. Instead, keep hoping and find ways to settle the problem.

I know I should not say this, knowing that my situation has not been solved.
But I am happy that you guys actually so great, If only i have a mother like you guys to protect me...

[Abitwobblynow]

Hi, Sad, come here and talk to us.

Tell us about yourself. What are your dreams? What are your disappointments? You will find you have a voice here and you are heard and that will help you in RL. We know how lonely and sad you feel, we will be here for you, at your pace.

Posting here is the beginning of a new life! Take hope, Sad.

Tell us about your H. Where does he come from? What does he do?

Who do you work with? Is there anyone you can tell at work?

[ImverySad]

I come from a catholic conservative couple, and I believe in marriage, i also believe that couples should not separate for better and for worst. that is why i am confused of what is the right thing to do, and its killing me.
yesterday was a valentines day, and my partner talk to me, again, he said all the romantic things and sweet words, like he will not abandon me and that he loves me deeply.

(He hugs me tightly and told me that i am not alone, even though i do not have my own parents to care for me.) I was emotional, i do not konw why but i felt he was sincere when he said those words. but then, in the back of my mind is telling me, he only say this because he is in the mood and he is not angry.

That is why its making it difficult for me to act now, i am so confused. 1 of my colleague told me that I should try to talk to my partner nicely and tell him about my unhappiness. I did it once in awhile, telling my partner how i feel when he do certain tihngs that would hurt me. But instead, my partner thinks that ive become bold and even more stubborn now.

Guys, some of you may think that im not matured enough to decide or to know what to do. but I will admit that i think i have not matured yet, as i have not reach 30 yet.

Im sorry guys for tsking up so much of your time reading my complaints about my life.

But Thank You Again.

[SPBInDisguise]

People will only read if they choose to :)
I know it must seem daunting but you don't need your husband or your parents to look after you, if you start to trust your own judgement and make changes that you think are necessary then your life will get better.

[ImverySad]

Sorry guys for the questions that you ask, but i am unable to answer some of them.

All I want is for him to stop, the verbal abuse, and to stop calling me names, stop taking control of my life, stop deciding for myself, especially the things that I do not want. stop kicking me even if its just for fun. stop calling me stupid or idiot.

If ever we really need to separate, i would not want any single cents from him, i will live quietly, but no matter what i am still his wife who cares a lot about him, i do not want any harm to happen to him, i still want him to be safe, live happily and healthy.

He is a nice man, also religious, just that when he is angry, evrything comes out.

[SPBInDisguise]

Sorry but nice men do not regularly kick their wives.
And you say "even if we separate". He won't separate from you, he has his wife and his punching bag. Do you have plans to separate from him?

[FarBetterNow]

I too believed in the sanctity of Marriage vows.
I was married for 30 years to a selfish, abusive, unfaithfull man, but didn't leave him as I had vowed 'for better, for worse'.
I now realise that because he had broken his vows first, that he had broken the marriage, so if I had left I would not have been breaking my vows.

Hope that makes sense.

In the end he found a younger woman and he left me, which I was very thankful for.

[AnnieLobeseder]

Do you really believe that a loving god would want you to stay with a man who abuses you physically, verbally, emotionally and financially? This marriage needs to end, and it will be because of him and his abuse. There is no blame on you. Life is too short to be unhappy all the time and too short not to dance. Please think very seriously about taking your life back. It belongs to you, you deserve to be loved, safe and happy.

[JakeBullet]

Iamsad, I am Catholic too and I know very well that God would not want you to remain in an abusive marriage.....and your husband is abusive. You can be kind and want the best for him but you also need to be safe and my feeling is that his behaviour will escalate over time. Please please please phone Women's Aid and talk to them. ....fr your safety.

[ImverySad]

Thanks guys..

Im partly to blame for being softhearted, first year of our marriage, I did not do anything to stop his behavious then, as i thought he needed a helping hand and warm comfort from me as his wife. (as he is also come from a complicated family and not very close to his siblings) Sometimes i think that maybe he does not know how to controls himself, and maybe he needs help,(maybe something affects him from his childhood that makes him to act this way) thats why i chose to kept quiet for 3 years.
ive always chose to let it go evrytime we fight or when he makes me upset.

[SPBInDisguise]

It is not your fault for forgiving him! a good man would not abuse his wife.

[ImverySad]

There are so many things that stoping me from taking action fast. and the reason why i am very confused.

1. I feel extremely sad and worried, for my partner if i leave him, (who is going to look after him and comfort him when he is not feeling well, or if he is feeling down? not just him but I worried about my mother inlaw would not be able to take it as well. (she is kind to me, i do not want to hurt her at any cost.)
   

1. We are in debt right now, as the prevoius years non of us were working, that lead us to borrow money for survival. (Im worried for him emotionally, financially and physically) These are just one of the things im worried.
   

1. Even though I am working, but it is not stable, and I am under working visa. if my visa is cancelled,i'll be send back to my hometown, and when that happens, who's gonna help my old and poor parent who is depending on me..? I mean never mind about me,(As Ive gone through the worst in my life when growing up) its my family and love ones that I am worried about.
   

1. I am not stable emotionally, as I have anxiety problems.
   

Last but not least, I still want to help my husband,I still love him and believe in him,hence, does not want to live with him. These are my concerns...

[TepidCoffee]

Where are you from, OP?

I think an understanding of your background and cultural context would help here.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Imverysad,

Your last post was mainly about him. What about you, you are important!!.

You are not responsible for your H when all is said and done; you cannot help or save anyone who does not want to be rescued and or saved. Your mistake was thinking that you could love someone who is himself badly emotionally damaged better but you cannot and must never act as a rescuer and or saviour in a relationship. He would have been just as abusive regardless of whom he married.

You also sound codependent which is itself emotionally unhealthy a state and sets you up for even more abuse. Would suggest you read "Codependent No More" written by Melodie Beattie.

Is your salary still being paid into his account?. Where has all the money gone?.

Your own dysfunctional childhood gave you a very skewed view of relationships; this is not how a normal healthy marriage works at all.
Abusers can be sometimes nice but its a continuous cycle; if they were awful all the time no-one would want to be with them but you are probably finding now that him being "nice" now is happening less frequently.

Re his MIL you cannot stay with this man because she's nice to you. She does not have to live with her son day to day does she?. You do and you get the full fury of his abusive treatment as a result.

He will destroy you completely in the end if you were to stay with him and I do not wish to frighten you any more than you already are but you could end up being killed by him. You cannot help him and more to the point he does not want your help. He sees you as only his emotional punchbag. You may love him but he certainly does not love you at all; he is blaming you for all his problems now but it is not your fault he is this way.

I would daresay too that if you were to leave this abusive man your problems with anxiety would quickly lessen.