My Husband is taking All my Salary and Only Gives me enough Allowance for Food!

[ImverySad]

Hi Everyone,

Im just hoping if anyone could help me with a piece of advise.


I am married for 3 yrs plus now, and I've been working for nearly 1/2 year now, My husband is taking all my salary since then, and he only gives me little money for my food. He scolds me everytime I overspend a bit even for a food. And if I ask him to buy me something, sometimes he will buy but most of the time not, and he just tell me this is not good for me.etc..

In normal days when I buy food for the two of us, he will always ask me how much the food costs, and where is the change, and would ask me to calculate the spending and the money left, and I have to return the change to him.

Sometimes he treatens not to give me more money because i always overspend. I would cry feeling helpess and sad coz i feel that im losing my selfworth and confidence. he always tells me he loves me and how much i mean to him, but whenever he is angry, he will use all unneccessary words, such as,(you're bloody or f*G stubborn) and sometimes he would kick me.

I ask him why does he need to say hurtful words and kick me, he will say I deserve it for being stubborn and for not listening to him, and that I need to be discipline, I really dun understand as Im always obedient to him, i even stand up when he ask me to just for him to punish me by kicking me.

He is ok and romantic, sweet when he is not angry, but if he is angry, he always tell me there a limit to his patience, I feel so hurt, as i feel that he does not respect me. he controls evrything in the house. Sometimes Im thinking of leaving him, but i am sacred to do so. as all my salary goes to him. I do not have any savings.

I have my parents to look after too and want to help them by sending them some money, but most of the time I cannot help my parents as I dun have money, I have to ask my husbands permission first whether I can send some money to my parents, sometimes he will send money.

Is it right if my husbands continues to keep my salary? Is it a good Idea for me to move out frist and sort out my feelings? I love my husband and care a lot about him, but I feel that I cannot live with him anymore. I am very sad and confused for years now. I got no one to talk to as I do not have any family or relatives in this country except my husband.

Sometimes I prayed for myself to change and be patience towards him, but i am very tired and emotionally broken that I cant bring myself to talk to him.

What should I do...? what is the right thing for me to do without hurting anyone.?

[NotGoodNotBad]

As a parent, if you were my daughter I'd do anything to get you out of there.

You shouldn't stay in an abusive relationship for the sake (as you see it) of your parents and your MIL. They might surprise you and be glad to see you leave - if they're not, then they're not on your side anyway.

[TepidCoffee]

Hi Imverysad, here is a link to an organisation in SG for help with domestic abuse and violence:

www.aware.org.sg

Please get some local help and support (don't stop talking here, too!).

[TepidCoffee]

1800-774-5935

Is their helpline number. Give them a call.

[TepidCoffee]

This site also has links to lots of helpful organisations, including those offering free legal advice:

www.concern.sg/Women

[IWasTheBadOne]

I'm also living in SG. Am glad to see that AWARE has been mentioned already. I would also like to add that the Singapore Council of Women's Organisations may be of use to you. They have a legal clinic if you need free advice about your status, and also a shelter in case the situation at home gets too bad and you need to get out

SCWO

[Abitwobblynow]

Sad, keep talking to us, and don't worry about coming over confused or sad.

Talking it all out, helps you get some things clear in your head.

Unfortunately, abusive men go through a cycle of being cruel and then kind. This messes up our heads, makes it more unclear for us about what is going on, and gives us more hope that they will stop.

But they don't stop. Sorry to tell you, you are with a man who is domestically violent.

PLEASE DO NOT get pregnant right now! Please think about your baby being punched or your little girl being kicked, and don't do this, until things are clearer for you.

Lundy Bancroft. Should I Stay or Should I go? Google this website.

[ImverySad]

Thank you guys for your wonderful advises, it has greatly helped me a lot thinking through it last weekend. I feel that I have a big family support from all of you, to be honest, I feel that I've gathered more and more energy from you guys... I cant thank you enough. Im really grateful.:) I could never get this kind of support and advise from my relatives back home, coz even if they are near me, we are not very close because we are not really blood related.

By the way guys, is it a good Idea to leave a note to my H if ever I decided to leave? as I do not want to leave without a word. Having said that, I have not completely decided yet, as I am still in a confused state.

I feel very guilty, even just by thinking of leaving (just to clear my mind and let him think things through). Especially right now, there are many things going on at home, Again, I feel that He needs my support and he needs me to be there for him, and I feel sorry for him, and I am very sad thinking that he will be alone if I leave him.

Lately, He have been very caring and sweet..asking me, 'Whether I am Ok, Why am I qUiet and Stoning all the time, how come I don't talk to him often now, and things like that.'

And yesterday, we went out and he bought some stuff for me, we went shopping, ( he even joke with me, 'Oh somebody has got a new pair of Clothes' and ask me if I still need anything else..)

As the days goes by, its getting harder and harder for me to think of going away...

[ImverySad]

Thanks again guys, for the advises, encouragement, the info you've referred.:)
Bless all of you.

[YNK]

Please take the advice here and get yourself safe and away from this abuse. Sending unmumsnet to you.
This man does not love you like you deserve to be loved!

[ImverySad]

Thank you HotDAMNlifeisgood, I really need that...thanks for cheering me..

if you can say this and knows it, i wonder why my h does not know all this, or maybe he knows but he chose to ignore it..haiz im very exhausted thinking and reflecting of what is going on with my ML.

[ImverySad]

NotGoodNotBad , How I wish I have a mum like you who would care for me and would rescue me.:(

Thanks for your comment:)

[ImverySad]

Thanks TepidCoffee I would certainly do:) Thanks for the link

[GeekLove]

Looks like he can sense a change in you in that h is loosing you. There are two ways his attempts at trying to win you back can go. Either he will revert back to type or he will escalate the abuse. Either way I don't want to lark you but you need to get some concrete plans to get away as him sensing you changing is a very dangerous time.

[ImverySad]

GeekLove thanks...yes, he is a very sharp man, he can sense if somthing is bothering me. Yes, I am making plans right now..thinking it carefully.

[NotGoodNotBad]

I wish I were your mum and could come and get you.

Any friends nearby? Or are you able to contact some of the organisations people have listed? Is your salary enough to live on? Could you change your pin just before your salary gets paid in, pack a bag and just go?

BTW I've never been in this kind of situation, but whether you would leave a note I guess would be personal choice - for you, not him. Maybe leaving a note giving your reasons for leaving would let you feel like you were putting the record straight, and drawing a line under the relationship? But if you did, I don't think you could expect him just to say, "OK, she's quite right, I was not a good husband."

[ImverySad]

Thanks NotGoodNotBad,

I have friends in my office, and 1 of them is very close to me and she has been my shoulder to cry on when i am down or upset. However if i need to run away she wont be able to help me, she can only help me with some piece of advise.

As for the money, Im not really earning a lot.. but i would think it would be enough (i hope) ..I havent change my pin yet, maybe end of this month before getting my "first" pay.

[garlicbreeze]

Darling, I am wishing you all strength, wisdom and a few strokes of luck! If you could manage to get yourself free this month, how fantastic! But if not, don't worry - you can play "nice" with H and organise things for the next month.

As he doesn't let you have your own money, I think you'll have to do a sudden flit on pay day or the day before it, whichever month you go. Sooner is probably better therefore, as long as you've got somewhere to go for the first week at least. Please do phone the organisations people have told you about in Singapore. They might even be able to offer you a room for when you go.

[NotGoodNotBad]

And if you do decide to leave, stay safe - don't give him any advance warning, don't let him know where you're going. If he is violent with you for no reason, I worry what he might do if he thinks you're taking control of your life.

[AgathaF]

I am pleased you are making plans to get away - you really, really need to leave this dangerous man.

Although you are not in the UK, the Women's Aid site has some good information on it that you might be interested in reading, even though you would not be able to access their support.

Good luck, and as others have said - keep your plans and preparations very quiet for the time being.

[StitchAteMySleep]

ImVerySad I am glad to hear you are feeling a bit stronger in yourself.

Please contact some of the organisations mentioned upthread for support and as NotGood said, do not give him any advance warning if you do plan to leave.

There is a thread on here for people in emotionally abusive relationships, see here. There are people on there who will advise and support you, some who are still in relationships with their abuser and others who have got out.

His recent 'good behaviour' is classic in the cycle of violence in domestic abuse (see section under that heading). He will try to reassert control again and will return to his usual violent pattern, do not be lulled into a false sense of security.

[Abitwobblynow]

Sad, think of his behaviour like one of those gambling machines in Las Vegas - the machine that you feed a coin in and pull the handle. After a while, randomly, the machine will give out some coins, a payout. The gamblers put in the coins and put in the coins and pull the handle, then when nothing happens they give up and go to another machine.

This is what abusive men do. The woman puts in her love, caring and understanding (the coins) in the hope that he will respond to her and change (the payout to happy ever after).
What the man DOES is take, take, take the coins (of caring), like the machines do. And then, when they sense they have gone too far and the women is starting to give up, they will be more loving, caring, say they understand they have been [unfair, mean, unloving] and give a little 'pay-out' (coins). This gets the women hopeful that THIS TIME HE REALLY UNDERSTANDS and she stays and re-invests her 'coins'.

And the cycle starts again. Beware, if I were you I would tell your work that you are unhappy at home. IF you voice it, it becomes more real for you and the people let you know it is unfair. I would start to save money/make a plan/look for a place to stay/better job.
Also, when he is calm and you are getting on well, say that you do not like being kicked and that this is not a loving thing to do - but only do this if you know you won't get 'punished'.
Google Lundy Bancroft. He knows all about cruel men and he prepares you to get stronger in yourself.

[Miggsie]

Your husband is stealing from you - he is a thief and should be in jail.

Why do you feel sorry for him? He is horrible.

Who is feeling sorry for you?

My aunt spend 50 years with a total bastard out of "duty" and she had a miserable life.

Get out now and find someone who likes you.

don't believe anything he says, he doesn't care a bit about you.

Thinking about it, your situation means you are effectively a slave. Slavery is illegal.
Leave him.

[ImverySad]

garlicbreeze , Thanks for the well wishes..:)

I am looking to rent a room right now, still could not get any suitable one. but ill kee trying. And yes I will definetely make a call to seek some advise once ive settled this down.

NotGoodNotBad - Thanks too, Yes Im really trying so hard not to let him notice anything about my plans, its hard because he is very smart when it comes to this, he can sense if somthing is amiss.

AgathaF - Thanks for the advise:) yes, even though i do not lived in UK, but the advise and support from all of you is more than enough. Will certainly read more from the link you all have referred. Thanks Again.

StitchAteMySleep - That is exactly what is going on right now, once he thinks or feel that he have been unfair or treated me bad, he will do all kinds of things to please me, (and here I am hoping that he really understand my pain and will try to change for the better, but unfortunately,this has been like a roller coaster, when he is not stress or if he is not in the bad mood, he would treat you like a princess, but if not, you better be prepared) Im tried of believing and keep hoping that he would understand my pain and struggles.:(

Abitwobblynow - I get what you mean, and it is very sad to think that he is like that, I love him very much though, and it breaks my heart thinking of how our marriage turn out.

And yes, Ive tried talking to him in a nice way, when he was in the mood to talk and listened to what i say. Told him I dont like when he does all the things to me,(like kicking me calling me names and scold me with bad words, I told him that his words hurt me the most) it did work for awhile, and he did apologise but after sometime he will scold me for what I said and complain to him. and he tells me i was the one in the wrong and i was being stubborn thats why he has to do that to me.

Miggsie - In reality what you said is true, but for me i could not bear to send him to jail or even tell the police, I mean as long as I can get out from this situation is good enough. And even if I separate with him, I dont think I will find another person to like or even become my partner, I am truamatised, both emotionally and physically scared, and i dont want to be in another relationship..
its better to focus on my life and help my old parents, they need me more:)

But thanks for your advise, ill keep that in mind.:)

[Abitwobblynow]

How did you meet him? Is he Malaysian? What does he do for work? Do you think he could change (unlearn bad behaviour)?

Please tell me you have googled Lundy Bancroft. He can tell you so much about men who abuse, and whether they can change or not (what to look for).

[Jux]

Just read your thread, Imverysad, and it has made me very sad to think of you so alone, with a man who thinks that it is OK to tell you to stand up so that he can kick you. I am so glad that you have found support here, and to read that you are making plans.

Keep strong, and know that there are people here thinking of you kindly and wishing you well, willing you on to carve out a good life for yourself.

You deserve a man who loves you. That means he cherishes you and respects you, and would dream of taking your money or hurting you. The time will come, my beautiful one.