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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Or is DH - re co-sleeping?

202 replies

NightmareWalking · 11/02/2013 17:39

DD doesn't spend a whole night in her cot any more (she used to). Between 1am and 3am she wakes up for comfort (not food or anything else) and I bring her into bed with DH & I.

DH is very against this and says I need to start making her sleep the whole night in her cot, rocking her back to sleep in the dark and so on, apparently we're making a rod for our backs, especially as he wants her to go into her own room soon.

DH does no nights with DD and hasn't since she was 6 weeks old (he could - we mix feed DD).

DD is 5 months old.

Me, I reckon as it's me dealing with nights I should just carry on what is easiest for DD & I, & I'm not fussed if DD goes into her own room next month or in five months although I think I'd prefer her to stay close to me longer.

Who is being U, please?!

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 16/02/2013 17:39

I'm slightly surprised the police do not wish to arrest him.

If they do they can get a protection order on your behalf preventing him coming back to the house.

Hopefully when the notification goes to social services they will be able to offer you support.

conkercon · 16/02/2013 17:42

Well done OP. If he had shown that he was really devastated by his actions while I would have no sympathy for him at all I would have a little hope that you could work on the relationship. But that level of violence both actions and words and no remorse. Did he even say sorry for what he said about DD?

Original poster
NightmareWalking · 16/02/2013 17:45

I asked him what he'd have done if I'd said that about DD - answer? Tell me I needed help. Which is what I said to him.

OP posts:
Cluffyfunt · 16/02/2013 17:55

He doesn't think he did anything wrong and is re-writing history rather than feeling/showing remorse for his actions.
Very, very worrying.

Your dd will be very proud of you.
She is a lucky little girl to have such a strong Mum.
Xx

Flisspaps · 16/02/2013 18:02

I am very surprised the police have left him in the house with you. Have they given you the number of a DV worker/officer or did they just take a statement and go?

JugglingFromHereToThere · 16/02/2013 18:24

Do you feel reasonably OK with how things have been left for tonight, and safe where you are ? I hope you feel OK x
Going to your parents for a bit could be an idea ?
Sounds good too that you've been able to talk with him about him maybe giving you both a bit of space at least for a while ?

Original poster
NightmareWalking · 16/02/2013 18:29

Just took a statement. I said i didn't want to press charges yet which was probably silly but I've never been in this situation before - I'm not sure where my head's at.

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 16/02/2013 18:44

In the uk you don't actually have the right to press charges or not,in domestic violence cases they can and do prosecute without victim cooperation.

Did they not even give you the information leaflet / card The one with the helpline numbers on?

Flisspaps · 16/02/2013 18:48

I am quite concerned for your safety tonight OP.

leelteloo · 16/02/2013 18:48

Not surprised you are feeling all over the place: your world has been totally turned upside down. i think you definitely should try and get some space from him so you can sort things out in your own mind. Thinking of you.

FairPhyllis · 16/02/2013 22:02

I am very surprised by the police. I honestly don't think he is safe for you and your DD to be around, tonight or any night. If he is going to be in the house is there anyone you can go and stay with?

Can you ask the police to flag up your address so that if you call 999 you will be prioritised?

MumVsKids · 17/02/2013 00:04

I didn't think you had a choice in pressing charges or not anymore? Confused

Tasmania · 17/02/2013 01:58

I think some people are quick to judge your DH. None of us know what job he has. I know someone who's DH is a young doctor at a hospital in the USA. He suffered from sleep deprivation even before the baby came along. So for him to "help out" on those nights when he's not on call is not possible. As he is also currently the breadwinner of the family, this adds to the stress.

People who say "why doesn't he do nights", don't seem to think that a mum on maternity leave can typically sleep when baby sleeps during the day which isn't an option for the DH.

Personally, I don't think it's so bad for kids to sleep in their own room, but each to their own.

5madthings · 17/02/2013 02:02

tasmania read the whole thread he has been abusive and violent towards the op.

Babies should sleep in the same room as their parents for the first 6mths as per SIDS guidelines.

And most men are quite capable of helping out at wkends or at least occasionally regardless of their job, even if he just does the early evening 8-12 so the op can get a decent chunk, he will still then get a good six hours which is fine.

But that is beside the point as the op's duh has been violent and abusive.

Tasmania · 17/02/2013 02:03

Ok, so read a bit further and your DH has turned rather abusive. Has he ever been aggressive before your dc was born???

FairPhyllis · 17/02/2013 02:06

Er Tasmania, OP's DH has now throttled her and threatened to 'break the baby in half'. This isn't the stress of being a breadwinner, this is a deeply fucked-up, abusive man.

FairPhyllis · 17/02/2013 02:06

Sorry crossposted.

CuriousMama · 17/02/2013 02:17

Well done you OP for getting the police involved. So sorry it's gone this far for you. He sounds unhinged Sad

Tasmania · 17/02/2013 02:27

FairPhyllis I was just wondering out of interest whether this happened before. Mothers suffering from PND can do cruel things, and apparently, it can happen with fathers, too.

See this shocking case here

Tasmania · 17/02/2013 02:32

And here.

anonymosity · 17/02/2013 04:29

You either embrace co-sleeping whole heartedly (both of you) or you don't. I don't think its something you can just do without talking it through first.

Both our DC's slept in their own beds from the start. BUT around 2/ 3 yrs old they would creep into our bed in the night. That was fine and we allowed it for 6-12 months when it seemed no one was sleeping anymore. I said "mummy and daddy need to sleep to look after you tomorrow and you need sleep too, so you need to go back to your own bed" and they were like "ok, makes sense". And that was the end of it.

But I think if we had put them in the bed with us as babies, we'd have never got them out again, tbh. Lovely though it can be, its not for everyone.

gruber · 17/02/2013 05:22

How are you doing tonnight Nightmare? Thinking of you & hoping you're ok in the night.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 17/02/2013 06:22

Agree with aonymosity - you either embrace co sleeping completely or you don't. Personally, both DH and I woudl rather have had our teeth pulled than go in for the whole co-sleeping arrangement. Ours were in their own rooms from birth, (this is a while back) and I got up and fed them six night a week and DH did one night at the weekend. This only lasted 10 weeks thankfully before they slept through from 7-7.

I hope the OP is OK now.

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 17/02/2013 06:42

We had one co-sleep and one that didn't. Both of them as older children slept like logs in their own bed. No rod from either of them.

I agree with the others, as you are dealing with the nights you should get the lion share of the decision making on where she sleeps.

ledkr · 17/02/2013 07:33

Op-you have done really well reacting how you did well done. Many put up with many incidents like this before they react.
I just wanted to say that my exh was exactly the same at night. I woke him once when I was ill and he threatened to stab us all while we slept Hmm I also logged that but it wasn't long before the marriage broke down anyway.
By comparison my 2nd dh does.more nights than me because he sees it exhausts me and gives me headaches. I think this is because he cares about how I feel which my ex obviously didn't.
Don't back down unless he genuinely wants to change and takes steps to do so as this behaviour will escalate over time.
Don't think you have taught him a lesson by involving police and mil because the only lesson he has learnt us that a fuss will be made which will lead to nothing so he can get away with this type of behaviour.
I'm not far from brum and I know there is a lot of support there for dv.
Give me a shout if you want me to suggest where to go.