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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Or is DH - re co-sleeping?

202 replies

NightmareWalking · 11/02/2013 17:39

DD doesn't spend a whole night in her cot any more (she used to). Between 1am and 3am she wakes up for comfort (not food or anything else) and I bring her into bed with DH & I.

DH is very against this and says I need to start making her sleep the whole night in her cot, rocking her back to sleep in the dark and so on, apparently we're making a rod for our backs, especially as he wants her to go into her own room soon.

DH does no nights with DD and hasn't since she was 6 weeks old (he could - we mix feed DD).

DD is 5 months old.

Me, I reckon as it's me dealing with nights I should just carry on what is easiest for DD & I, & I'm not fussed if DD goes into her own room next month or in five months although I think I'd prefer her to stay close to me longer.

Who is being U, please?!

OP posts:
Jinsei · 16/02/2013 14:35

OP, I'm so sorry for the way in which this situation has developed, but you have been incredibly brave to call the police and it was the right thing to do. Please stay strong and stay safe. And don't let him belittle what happened - it was real and it was wrong. You don't have to put up with this, and your daughter does not have to grow up witnessing it. Please take care.

Jinsei · 16/02/2013 14:37

Oh, and OP, men who are violent once usually end up being violent again. He has hurt you and he has threatened your daughter. Please don't hang around waiting for it to happen again.

ErikNorseman · 16/02/2013 14:58

Well done xxx

Original poster
NightmareWalking · 16/02/2013 15:14

I'm in the house, H is in the house, officers are being sent out now to take a statement. H is making noises about l

OP posts:
Original poster
NightmareWalking · 16/02/2013 15:16

... Losing his job if this gets out but not my problem. Earlier he was all 'well call the police if you eant' and now I have he seems shocked.

OP posts:
Original poster
NightmareWalking · 16/02/2013 15:16

Eant? Want. Sorry for typos, am on phone.

OP posts:
Jinsei · 16/02/2013 15:18

No, it really isn't your problem. When you choose to be violent, you choose to accept the consequences of that violence. Tell the police exactly what happened. It isn't your job to protect him.

Let us know how it goes. Hope you are ok.

Flisspaps · 16/02/2013 15:31

Of course he's shocked, he thought his attempts to minimise would cow you into letting it go, and now he's going to be forced to face the reality of what an utter spineless bastard he is.

Flisspaps · 16/02/2013 15:32

If you start to falter, remember that he did this while your lovely DD was in your arms, after he'd threatened to break her in half.

harassedandherbug · 16/02/2013 15:36

Yes I remember that one.... My xh was/is a retained firefighter. God forbid they should lose their jobs!

It's another way to control you.

MumVsKids · 16/02/2013 15:45

Please don't back down over this. He has done it once, he will do it again, probably worse.

YANBU for asking for some help at night with dd, especially at weekends.

I'm hoping you are sitting with the police now, and I'm hoping you are not minimising his attack on you and dd.

He should be thoroughly ashamed of himself and be packing his stuff to leave right now.

Do you rent or own op? Are you oth on the tenancy/mortgage?

Perriwinkle · 16/02/2013 16:03

Good for you NightmareWalking. A lot of women would not have been strong enough to have the courage of their convictions to do what you have done.

You have the strength and dignity to say that you will not put up with being treated like this and you are acting as a responsible parent and putting your DD's best interests first. No defenceless, innocent, impressionable child deserves to have a selfish, violent bully like your DH in their lives on a daily basis. How could you ever trust him again after what he's done to you and after saying that he'd "break your DD in half"? She's five months old FFS!What a completely vile individual.

And re: co-sleeping, my DS did it for about 4 years - every night without fail!! He's wake and comeinto bed, have a feed or whatever and as he got older and no longer needed a night feed, would just wake and come in and fall straight back to sleep again. It was a habit. My DH never once uttered a word of complaint. In the end the bed was too small for us all to be in there so I would go and sleep in DS's toddler bed, and later his full sized single bed. Eventually, one night he just didn't wake up and call out to come in and he never did again. He's slept like a top through the night every night since. We don't regret for a single second allowing him to come into our bed for those 4 years. We met his need to be close to us for as long as he wanted to and he grew out of it when he was ready. No big deal.

My DH never batted an eyelid, although he is a very heavy sleeper and I'm a control freak so would only have wanted to look after him in the middle of the night myself. The main thing is that my DH would only want what's best for our DS, and for me too, in every respect. He's always trusted my judgement 100% to do what's best for DS and if that's ever inconvenienced him (or me come to that) then we've both been of the opinion so be it. The way we both look at it, DS will only be dependent on us a for a few short years and then we'll have the rest of our lives to please ourselves doing whatever we want!

I feel sorry for any woman who is saddled with a self centred prick for a partner. It's like a millstone around your neck.

Stay strong OP. You are doing exactly the right thing.

dreamingbohemian · 16/02/2013 16:28

I hope the police have been good to you.

You have absolutely done the right thing. How can you and your DD be safe around this man? All it takes is once for something really horrific to happen. What if he had missed you and hit your DD?

Please take care of yourself, I hope you are getting all the help you need.

WhispersOfWickedness · 16/02/2013 16:29

Well done OP, hope you're talking to the police now and that H leaves soon. Stay strong.

MinnieBar · 16/02/2013 16:36

Well done OP. It's absolutely not your fault if he loses his job - it was his choice to act the way he did, and only he is responsible.

FannyFifer · 16/02/2013 16:36

Hope your ok OP, fingers crossed the bastard shows his true colours in front of police as well. Keep strong.

Figgygal · 16/02/2013 16:55

What an arsehole!! Kick his. Arse out and i hope you have heard from his mother and she doesnt condone such shittiness.

Why would he lose his job OP?

Original poster
NightmareWalking · 16/02/2013 17:06

Police have been & gone. I need more time to work out what I want to happen long term. But for now I'm happy that it's on record and I can say to DD no violence is acceptable. That's so important to me.

I've heard from MIL now and she's furious with him and worried about DD & me.

Don't know why H thinks his job would be at risk, he's private sector, not something like teacher/doctor/services. I think he wanted to worry me.

OP posts:
kinkyfuckery · 16/02/2013 17:17

Was your H there when the police were there? What happened? Is he going to go and give you some space, or is he staying in the house with you?

You've been very brave this far. You are doing what is right for your daughter (((stealth hug)))

LindyHemming · 16/02/2013 17:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
NightmareWalking · 16/02/2013 17:22

He left before the police arrived. He's back here now. Very quiet. will be sleeping separately from us from now on. Will continue talking to him about moving out at least for a while - although I may take DD to my parents for a bit, she and they would love that anyway.

I will need him to seek proper help before I entertain any idea that things can be made better.

OP posts:
TheOriginalLadyFT · 16/02/2013 17:23

I'm so sorry you are going through this, and well done on standing up to him

Re co sleeping, my DS slept with me for years, from the day he was born, and I a got all the usual "you'll squash/smother him/rod for your own back/never go in his own bed/will wet the bed" bollocks. When we were both ready, he slept in his own bed with no fuss, never once wet the bed and he is the most loving, kind child. Do what is right for you and your baby

5madthings · 16/02/2013 17:28

Glad its on record and that mil is supporting you.

He needs to leave and give you some space.

MurderOfGoths · 16/02/2013 17:31

Just wanted to say OP you are amazing for doing this, it can't be easy and you should be proud of yourself x

englishbreakfast · 16/02/2013 17:36

well done OP for standing up to him. As regards to his excuse for not looking after DD during the night due to him working, well, that's what it is, an excuse. My DH is a SAHD, I work full time. Our DD is 23 months old and still sleeps in our bedroom (in her own cot bed). She is a poor sleeper, still wakes up a couple of times a night, sometimes staying awake for 2 -3 hours at a stretch. I'm up with her every time at night because she cries less / settles quicker with me, so I do it. Sometimes when she won't settle, we take her into our bed at night, my DH doesn't mind at all, in fact he prefers it as it's easier / more comfortable than sitting by her cot bed waiting (sometimes for a long time) for her to go back to sleep. Your DH sounds very selfish... and the violence towards you and threatening DD is inexcusable. I'm not sure if I could forgive... Hugs x

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