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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Or is DH - re co-sleeping?

202 replies

NightmareWalking · 11/02/2013 17:39

DD doesn't spend a whole night in her cot any more (she used to). Between 1am and 3am she wakes up for comfort (not food or anything else) and I bring her into bed with DH & I.

DH is very against this and says I need to start making her sleep the whole night in her cot, rocking her back to sleep in the dark and so on, apparently we're making a rod for our backs, especially as he wants her to go into her own room soon.

DH does no nights with DD and hasn't since she was 6 weeks old (he could - we mix feed DD).

DD is 5 months old.

Me, I reckon as it's me dealing with nights I should just carry on what is easiest for DD & I, & I'm not fussed if DD goes into her own room next month or in five months although I think I'd prefer her to stay close to me longer.

Who is being U, please?!

OP posts:
diaimchlo · 16/02/2013 08:27

JugglingFromHereToThere "Just thinking that "rod for your own back" school of thought is very annoying isn't it ?"

I totally disagree with you on that. I have had 5 children and married twice, my first 3 always slept in their cots as it was considered dangerous to take them into bed with you at that time, my 4th was my 2nd husband's first child, he was a very much hands on dad, as DS was bottle fed we took it in turns, I did 1 night and he would do the next etc.... In the beginning I would feed, change and cuddle DS to sleep and return him to his cot, I asked H to do the same but he didn't and got forceful about putting DS bed with us. this caused me anxiety as I didn't sleep well due to worrying about squashing my DS or him getting too warm.... anyway to cut a long story short it took 6 years to get DS to sleep in his own bed never mind his own room and a lot of stressful nights.

My 5th DS was never put in our bed in the night and we had no night time problems with him at all.... So definitely proves to me that the "rod for your own back" school of thought is actually correct!

pooka · 16/02/2013 08:39

Have you read the whole thread diaimchio.

The h tried to punch/throttle the op and said he'd break their dd in half.

It has moved on a bit from a discussion of rods for backs.

Incidentally I do disagree about rod for back. Mine all sleep beautifully although all have at times slept in our bed. Just goes to show that all children are different and that what works with one doesn't necessarily work for another.

AmberLeaf · 16/02/2013 09:02

Oh no Sad

Please get to somewhere safe. I know you don't want to worry your parents, but this is serious and worth worrying about TBH.

He has threatened to hurt your baby and has actually hurt you while holding her. There isn't anything he can say or do to make this right now.

Don't let him minimise this, call the police.

diaimchlo · 16/02/2013 09:12

Yes pooka I have read the full thread and sincerely hope and pray that the OP are safe and receive the support that they desperately need, what I hope for H cannot not be written here as I would be banned from MN....... I am not the heartless, thoughtless cow that your appear to be insinuating I am.

As for my post..... I was just answering a post on pg3 putting forward my experiences from a personal point of view in a polite and respectful manner

JugglingFromHereToThere · 16/02/2013 09:53

I know diaimchio was just responding to a post of mine. Initially I hadn't read the whole thread. I think there are several of us that did that. Obviously what happened last night was very serious and does change things for OP and her DD.

Still thinking of you this morning Nightmare as you decide what to do today in the light of last night's behaviour by (D)H. Can you think of anyone you could go and stay with for example ? Or Women's Aid would help. Others may have more experience and better advice.
But I think most would agree that essentially being somewhere else with DD or him leaving is important after this Sad

Original poster
NightmareWalking · 16/02/2013 10:01

To add insult to injury H is still asleep whilst I've been up with DD since 8. Going to tell him to leave today and then log incident with police.

OP posts:
Original poster
NightmareWalking · 16/02/2013 10:08

'incident'

What an innocuous sort of short hand for 'man I thought I'd sped the rest of my life with tried to kill me'

OP posts:
SirBoobAlot · 16/02/2013 10:08

Log the incident with the police first. Just in case he flips out.

MurderOfGoths · 16/02/2013 10:09

Oh sweetheart, I read the thread with a sinking heart. Can't imagine how you must feel! Please do get out, you deserve so much better, and so does your DD!

Downandoutnumbered · 16/02/2013 10:10

Nightmare, please call police first and then ask him to leave - then if he turns nasty they've already got something on record.

AmberLeaf · 16/02/2013 10:27

Yes definitely speak to the police before you speak to him about leaving.

shesariver · 16/02/2013 10:36

Please phone Police first. I dont know him but I dont think he will take the news that you want him to leave quietly, since he doesn't seem to think he has done anything wrong in the first place! Remember none of this is your fault, and your absolutely correct - your problems are deeper than just arguing over co-sleeping, this is only a symptom.

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot · 16/02/2013 10:38

Ring the police now, get them to come around, then tell him to leave. Ask for a restraining order (or whatever they're calling them now). Please don't do it the other way around. YOU don't go anywhere.

Big hugs.

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot · 16/02/2013 10:39

... and listen - there is NOTHING he can say, do or promise that can make this OK. Don't you minimise what happened last night. Don't think 'one chance' - what he did last night is well beyond 'one chance' :(

Cluffyfunt · 16/02/2013 10:57

I'm so sorry this has happened to you Thanks

If I were you, I'd go to the police station whilst he is sleeping.

He is going to blame everything on stress/you/DD but in reality we all get stressed but we don't attack our partners, let alone when they are holding a baby.

I'm glad you and your dd are still here. It really could have ended tragically Sad

babiesinslingsgetcoveredinfood · 16/02/2013 11:06

YANBU & what someone said re sleep regression. It will likely happen again at 8/9 months. Do what you can to get through. DS was in with me a lot, DH found it difficult some nights, so he slept elsewhere.

To those who loudly protest as to why DH can't do it, FFS it is U IMO to expect a ft working husband, to do the same as a SAHM (& at 5 mo she prob is).

Chunderella · 16/02/2013 11:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ComradeJing · 16/02/2013 11:19

How are you OP?

Please do report back. There will be lots of MNers thinking and worrying about you.

Original poster
NightmareWalking · 16/02/2013 11:29

I'm still safe but still here - got up to sort DD out and H took his pillows and went to bed (after stopping to have a go about me stripping the bed - which I did on autopilot as that's what we always do on a Saturday). H still asleep the poor poppet nasty piece of work clearly needs his beauty sleep. So I can't get to my clothes as they're in that room.

I'm still feeling dazed and confused - attach left no marks so have no proof/evidence and makes me worry it's not a serious as it seemed in the middle of the night - of course it is. So tired.

I did text MIL to let her know what had happened in case H went home - not heard anything in response. Cow.

OP posts:
MurderOfGoths · 16/02/2013 11:30

babies I'd read the rest of the thread if I were you..

Flisspaps · 16/02/2013 11:36

It doesn't matter that there are no physical marks. Call the police now while he sleeps. It doesn't matter that your clothes are in there.

If he was remotely sorry he'd be up, and doing everything he could to show you he was sorry.

But he isn't sorry. He doesn't give a shit Sad He's in bed, sleeping soundly, he obviously doesn't think you'd even consider reporting his abuse of you and your daughter - and he has abused her too, purely by letting her see what happened.

TrucksAndDinosaurs · 16/02/2013 11:37

Think this should move to relationships. Not an AIBU anymore.
OP, so sorry. Washing you strength.

Flisspaps · 16/02/2013 11:41

I also think that you need to call the police now because you've told his mum what's happened - if she contacts him then there's a risk he'll kick off before you can call the police because you've 'told on him'. However lovely she may be as a MIL, she's his mum.

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot · 16/02/2013 11:42

Exactly what Flisspaps said!

You are minimising this because you don't want to deal with what comes next, which is totally understandable, but not good. You need to call the police, you don't need to have physical marks and the bruising may come out later on anyway.

Call the police, ask them to come around now, tell them he is sleeping but that you are worried about your safetly when he wakes up and you tell him he has to leave.

WoTmania · 16/02/2013 11:48

Read the first page and thought 'YANBU' and planned to just post [http://www.isisonline.org.uk/ this] and say If you're dealing with nighttimes what you want goes.

Then I read on: totally agree with call police first, then tell him to leave. Do you have any friends locally who will be able to support/help out.

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