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Original poster

So why do the OW do it?

191 replies

carolst · 11/02/2013 14:24

So loads of threads discuss about the H and why they have an affair/emotional affair/whatever and the fault mustlay at their feet, but the OW have to take some responsibility don't they?

Why do the do it? How could they do it? Especially if breaking up their own family in process, and even worse if they have children?

My H obsessional texting affair OW has split her own family, claims her problems are from her own mother having an affair and splitting family, but yet shows no remorse and is actually out to get me for blowing whole thing open?

Explain please?

OP posts:
Original poster
carolst · 11/02/2013 14:25

and whether it is lack of dignity or not... I don't care... but my DC will never be handing over to her for eow.

OP posts:
Sariah · 11/02/2013 14:34

I am a 38 year old married mother of 5 children. I have been the ow in the past. Maybe about 12 years ago. Tbh the wife didnt even cross my mind. I was lonely, had a ds, and when my married boss asked me for a kiss on a night out I responded and ended up in a sexual relationship with him for a few months until I finished it as I got back with my now dh. In hindsight I probably didnt have much self respect or esteem, was flattered, enjoyed the secrecy of it. He had 2 children, said he would never leave his wife but that they had both married on the rebound after being jilted by partners who they loved. I also slept with another married man but he forgot to tell me that at the time and I only found out later when I asked him to meet up again. I have also cheated on partners but thankfully have not done so in my marriage (8 years married). But I know that I could and also that my dh could so I try to take steps to ensure I dont put myself in that sort of situation ie if I have chemistry with someone I avoid them rather than court it. Also try and to as much with dh as possible and make sure sex and dating are regular.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/02/2013 14:34

There is no one 'OW' template. The reasons for becoming a mistress are as many and varied as the number of individuals themselves.... same as the reasons for choosing to cheat on a DW and kids are very varied. Your experience is probably unique to your circumstances.

NotADragonOfSoup · 11/02/2013 14:35

Because they want to and are selfish. Much the same reason as a man would do it.

usualsuspect · 11/02/2013 14:38

Becoming a mistress sounds a bit more glamorous than shagging a married man.

Who knows why, It's not cool or glamorous at all though. It's all a bit sleazy.

Pilgit · 11/02/2013 14:44

because they want to. because they believe that the man will leave his wife. because he loves them. because they believe the man when he says they are special and the wife doesn't understand them etc. because they are naiive enough to believe a liar. i have said repeatedly to my friend who has been the ow - you have to preface all that the man says with the truth that the man is a liar. he has to be to have an affair. she still believes the tripe that he spouts! ultimately though because they have little self respect as any man who has an affair is treating both women abominably and they are allowing themselves to be treated like shit whereas the wife is mostly clueless

snowyskies · 11/02/2013 14:51

Some OW don't want the man to leave his wife! Some don't listen to false promises and "my wife doesn't understand me".

There are many types of OW and many types of affair. To view them all the same way is completely wrong.

Lovingfreedom · 11/02/2013 15:40

From my analysis:

  1. Single woman. Low self respect. Hadn't had sex or b/f for a while. Made no secret she wanted sex. Fwb arrangement ensued with elements of an affair.
  2. Married woman. Some problems in own r'ship. Husband possibly lost interest. Kids. Life and relationship all mundane. Facebook reunion leads to 'what might have been' conversation. Leads to meet for coffee....flattered, secret, exciting etc.
  3. Single woman. Craves attention. Not happy unless most attractive woman in the room. Wants the man to show she can have him. Seduces him publically as possible. Given choice of married or single man prefers the competitive challenge of the latter.

The man is not an innocent though. I don't believe in unwilling seduction and you should blame your partner not the OW.

Lovingfreedom · 11/02/2013 15:42

sorry....former not latter...ie there are women who prefer married men cos you have to win those not get them free.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/02/2013 15:45

And there are women who prefer married men because they're not around 24/7.... they have a home to go to.

Lovingfreedom · 11/02/2013 15:48

The other kind I've noticed but not had direct experience of (I hope!!) is:

  1. Poor thing. From what he says his wife is completely mad, alcoholic, insane, a bitch. He's such a martyr to his family and is trapped in a loveless, sexless marriage. Poor lamb. He deserves a shag from me.
Skyebluesapphire · 11/02/2013 15:49

I think in my case, the OW flattered XH. She made him feel wonderful and needed, while at home his DW and DD were just stress and hassle and boring daily life. As to why she did it? She claimed that my XH could support her emotionally which her H couldnt. and she wasn't prepared to let go of my H, she just grabbed him and clung on for dear life and still is.

As to whether she will still want him in the future, or whether she will leave her H, only time will tell. i don't think she seriously wants my H, she just craves the secret attention. She is now cheating on her second H.

Lovingfreedom · 11/02/2013 15:51

It must be quite nice to get all the hotels, meals out, expensive gifts and sex etc etc and none of the moods, dirty pants and bills.

Merl0t · 11/02/2013 17:49

12 years ago i was briefly ow. that wasnt what i wanted out of life. i was long term single. id begun to think i was some sort of freak. i was very lonely. the loneliness and the sense that something was wrong with me built up over a few long years. i was interested in a few men (single) but i was dumped/ rejected/ passed over for somebody prettier.

then..... along came John, who laughed at my jokes, made me laugh.. he was interested in what i thought. we enjoyed each others company and had a similar background. i always knew it was temporary because he belonged elsewhere. but loneliness made me unable to reject him. the fact that he was married was a detail. i was a lonely woman ignored by single men living abroad... and a human being first (married man second ) made me feel less alone. even when it ended i felt better because i knew there was nothing wrong with me afterall.
i didntcthink much about his wife but i envied her if anything. everything had come easily to her.

Merl0t · 11/02/2013 18:00

Ps.. i know now that altho he kept me company when i was lobely and vulnerable he took advantage of my loneliness, youth and isolation(living away from home). he boosted my self esteem but i can see now that what he should have done was to have introduced me to some younger acquaintances perhaps.

i know i was a kind hearted good person thru that time. i was more vulnerable and lonely than his wife, so the picture that is automatically painted of OW is like one of those lazy knee jerk cliches. i read threads on here and i blame the man. the man always wants his cake twice.

Merl0t · 11/02/2013 18:02

Ps.. i know now that altho he kept me company when i was lobely and vulnerable he took advantage of my loneliness, youth and isolation(living away from home). he boosted my self esteem but i can see now that what he should have done was to have introduced me to some younger acquaintances perhaps.

i know i was a kind hearted good person thru that time. i was more vulnerable and lonely than his wife, so the picture that is automatically painted of OW is like one of those lazy knee jerk cliches. i read threads on here and i blame the man. the man always wants his cake twice.

Lovingfreedom · 11/02/2013 18:15

A kind hearted good person who was shagging a married man....hmm? You seem to be excusing yourself by trying to claim that as you were more lonely than the wife it was ok to shag her husband. Also, don't understand why you think he should have introduced you to young people. I'd say it's your responsibility to choose your own friends and lovers. You sound very 'entitled' to me Merl0t?an interesting perspective though.

bakingaddict · 11/02/2013 18:30

Because people are just human and sometimes make bad decisions, but at the end of the day the husband or wife who stood in front of family and friends and committed to another person is really the only one to blame.

The OW or even OM owes you nothing really, because it's your partner who gave that promise to be faithful to you not them

Merl0t · 11/02/2013 18:33

It was thirteen years ago. im nit saying it was right. but i AM countering the nonsense that ow is evil. wife is saint. man floats above it all usually emerging unscathed. loneliness is like hunger. i wasnt strong enough to turn down affection when i was starving. it was a long time ago but i know was a good person. and i had no sense of entitlement at all. some people want to understand ..... my post might strike a chord with others. im certainly not flying the flag for ow. anybody who thought their partner was cheating on them would have nothing but sympathy from me.

Merl0t · 11/02/2013 18:35

... and yes, if that man had loved me like he claimed to he wouldnt have kept me to himself. he could have helped me meet people. he was as is stereotypical older, well connected etcccc. a randomer owes u nothing but he wasnt a randomer.

CaptainSweatPants · 11/02/2013 18:36

Also they fall in love

Merl0t · 11/02/2013 18:39

Yescbaking addict, ggood people can make bad decisions. it is not something id do again but i know i am a good decent person. wont be told im not by somebodyvwhovis angry at two other people.

Lovingfreedom · 11/02/2013 18:43

So what did the wife do wrong? I'm referring to your assertion that the wife isn't a saint....the 'I wasn't strong enough' line...are you saying you can't control your sexual urges?

worsestershiresauce · 11/02/2013 18:51

It is perfectly possible to meet someone in a social setting, and just click. If they are married it should end there, but what if that person pursues you, tells you his marriage is over, and he is in the process of splitting with his wife? You say no, and walk away, but a few weeks later you bump into him again.... A flirty friendship starts up, which over time becomes more intense as you spend more time communicating and you start to be drawn together.....

That's how it started with my DH, and I don't for one minute blame the woman involved. She was single, and at an age where marriage and babies were very important to her. He offered her all of that, and implied everything was over with me. I don't feel she did anything wrong - she was pursued by and fell in love with someone who said he was free. Had she been a stronger character she might have told him to take a running jump, but she was a rather sweet insecure person and adored him. He treated her appallingly.

Not all OW are marriage breaking harlots... and that comes from a wife in all of this.

Merl0t · 11/02/2013 19:02

Lovingfreedom, u seem determined to misunderstand. i wascnot refering to his wife. im refering to the lazy and simplistic assumption that the "ow" must be a wicked whore. and being a wife doesnt make somebody a saint. they might be a saint tho. it depends.