So why do the OW do it?

[carolst]

So loads of threads discuss about the H and why they have an affair/emotional affair/whatever and the fault mustlay at their feet, but the OW have to take some responsibility don't they?

Why do the do it? How could they do it? Especially if breaking up their own family in process, and even worse if they have children?

My H obsessional texting affair OW has split her own family, claims her problems are from her own mother having an affair and splitting family, but yet shows no remorse and is actually out to get me for blowing whole thing open?

Explain please?

[AnyFucker]

DA are you ok ?

[DiscretionAdvised]

I do genuinely believe he is being honest with me. He hasn't ended things as such but said that he can't continue a physical relationship with me until he is free to do so. He says he feels the same way about me as always and is looking forward very much to exploring a future with me.

He says his partner is a good mother, her visciousness is towards him. She will ultimately most likely take their daughter back to her country (within europe so he's protected). He believes that whilst it would be awful for him he wouldn't try to stop her. He likes her family and feels that it would ultimately be best for his partner to be with them and what's best for her happiness is also best for his daughter (3). He also knows that she will make it hard for him to see her, at least at first, and he needs to protect himself legally. He feels that it is best for his daughter for him to move out because she is witnessing horrible arguments. He recently described the fear on her face and never wanted to see that again. You see, he has a lot to lose. He said he has felt pressure from me (and of course he would, its been 5 months) but he needs to feel that he is leaving for the right reasons for his DD and not because of me.

I don't idealise him for his honesty. However do respect him for it. I can't relate to it and have been confused by the mixed messages.

AF - I am in a whole big world of pain, as is the om. We are hurting people we know that. However it is true for both of us that we were in relationships that were over. This has given us both the backbone to do what was ultimately inevitable. We have each done it for ourselves and our DPs, as we do genuinely believe that our other halves will be happier with someone else. We have not ended our relationships to be together. Of course we hope that that will happen but it is not with any expectation.

[BlueBirdy123]

In my case it was simply becuase I didn't know I was the OW. You'd be amazed at how many men (or women for that matter) would lie about relationship status, get someone in hook, line and sinker, then start introducing the 'I'm married but seperated' line. I ran at this point but have never forgiven ex for making me the OW and causing another women so much pain and misery.

[AnyFucker]

Thanks for replying, DA. I am on your side, believe it or not. Your "expectation" is nakedly and overtly obvious all over your posts, I am afraid

[DiscretionAdvised]

I agree I certainly do have hope for the future. I have fallen for him head over heels there's no two ways about it. I do believe that we will at least start a normal relationship. So yes you are right, I do have expectation, but then we have started to plans things months in advance. Also surely no one would entertain a relationship unless there is hope for the future? It doesn't mean that there are guarentees. I guess I was trying to make the point that I have not ended my marriage for him. Even if it doesn't work out then it is for the best that my marriage is ended and we are both free to meet someone else.

TBH... I don't know why this has hit me so hard. He has reassured me about ten times today that this is temporary, that he wants to be with me, that he believes we'll get there etc. etc. Fortunaely he seems to deal with my insecurity and need for reassurance rather well, hey, he's had 5 months of it.

[ike1]

5 months is nothing...my ex husband had an affair for 4 years and still did not leave. I wouldnt be banking on anything if I were you.

[badinage]

If he's got parental responsibility, has he taken legal advice about residence issues?

If so, he would know that his daughter will have the right to see him and that as long as there's a legal agreement in place, her rights would be protected in law.

If he intends to leave in a few weeks time and he hasn't taken legal advice about access and residence, I would be asking why not. I would also be concluding that he had no intention of leaving because good parents don't just up and leave with no assurance in place that their children will have the facility to see them.

[DiscretionAdvised]

Badinage - yes he has

[ike1]

Yeah In my ex H's case the 4year OW got passed over for a younger version and I busted him for THAT affair....but he had no real intention of leaving before then. None. Oh and I can absolutely promise you ..... he was 'not the type' hahahahaha. Seriously DA get on with your life as a single person and try to enjoy it ...whatever happens, happens...I doubt it will be with HIM though.

[ike1]

Oh and I watched my best mate get strung along by her bloke....he was leaving his wife definitely afterthe first xmas....then he couldnt due to a family crisis. He left for 2 nights went back for a final 'discussion,' even told his mother in law the marriage was over, never left. That guy has put more plans in place to leave than I can count over, the last 3 years....what a fucking joke and it is still going on.

[badinage]

Good. So why does he think his daughter will have difficulty seeing him then? If he's got an agreement already drawn up, his daughter will have the right to see him, whatever her mother might or might not say. That's not to say there mightn't be anger and bitterness to start with of course, but if he says she's a good mother to the extent that he's happy for her to move countries with his child, she'll put her child's interests first won't she?

[DiscretionAdvised]

No agreements in place but he has looked into his rights. He will ultimately have access, but he knows she won't make it easy.

Some men are bastards without a doubt - but not all. I trust my instincts on this one. Yes I am hurting now but only because my bubble has burst. I do believe that we will at least start a normal relationship. Whether it goes anywhere is another matter. I am cautiously optimistic though. We have talked a little today. He still wants to be with me, just can't lie to see me. He had a deeply religious upbringing and I think that this comes into it

[ike1]

ok....but some are also very good at playing the game...and I can assure you my ex H never 'appeared' to be a bastard.....

[DiscretionAdvised]

Maybe, but maybe not

[badinage]

DA it's not about his rights though. It's about his daughter's rights; that's such an important distinction and is why, if he's been to see a family lawyer, he would realise that and not be talking about his rights or projecting as yet unmaterialised difficulties.

Doesn't it strike you as odd that his religious upbringing and his suddenly discovered guilt so soon after your husband left home, didn't stop him having an affair in the first place? Yes, he might have felt guilt before, but not to the extent that he put a stop to things. It just feels that now it's got to crunch time and things are looking real and serious, he's pulling back.

It's not that he's a 'bastard' any more than you are for that matter. Acting dishonestly, selfishly and disingenuously? Yes, probably. He would have needed to act that way in order to have an affair after all. And that can get to be a habitual behaviour that isn't just reserved for his current partner. I'm sure you can see parallels for example in what you've told your children about your marriage break-up. Be careful you don't judge his motives as being the same as yours. Actions speak deafeningly louder than words.

[DiscretionAdvised]

I know him, and have done for years, and may have misjudged him. But I don't think so. Yes his actions over the next few weeks will indeed be telling.

He did previously put a stop to things back in November. However the ea continued exactly as before until after Christmas when it has occasionally lapsed. He has struggled with guilt throughout. He says always nothing to do with his dp, more to do with his dd.

[kalidanger]

It's like watching a car crash.

[DiscretionAdvised]

Nope... That would be far less painful and at least I would have an idea about the road to recovery :(

[DiscretionAdvised]

Btw, I have had numerous messages from him over last 24 hr reassuring me that he does want to be with me as soon as he is free to do so. Also that it won't be long now and that we are nearly there. I just don't seem to hear them at the moment. I guess listening to the hurt ladies on here is my only reason for doubt. Every thing I know of him and every instinct tells me to trust him in what he's saying.

[jellybeans]

They rarely seem 'the type'. These are selfish men who put their own desires about their DC's needs and the person they made vows with. Years and years later people will still talk about the affair, future grandkids etc. How embarassing! My FIL has 'moved on' with OW every few years. DH has a collection of step mothers now. He is a 'lovely man' but obviously gets a bit chicken when the relationship becomes 'real life'. Of course OW are great while it is fun and they only present their good bits but move in together and throw in ex wives, step kids etc etc things get stressful! You may swap yourexs '10 annoying things' but get another set of 'annoying things'. Grass is rarely greener etc. If he loved you he would have left..

[Ormiriathomimus]

zavi - no, they aren't all 'young, free and single'. H's OW was married with 2 young kids. So does that make her 'as bad' as him?

Personally I don't give a stuff anymore what her motivation was. I could speculate, and have done. But in the end it doesn't matter. I just wish both she and H had actually thought it through properly - the pain they have caused is immense. For bugger all! Stupid feckers.

[asktheaudience]

My H certainly isn't 'the type'.
When he was at the height of his arsey behaviour, a friend who'd been through similar asked me if he could be having an affair and I said no way! He might be an arse, but he's not a cheat or a liar.

Except that he was a cheat. With married mother of two. And still is a liar.

On the one hand he comes across as genuinely guilt-ridden. But his actions are those of a completely self-absorbed man whose main aim is to protect his own back and get away with not facing up to his failings or the consequences of his actions. He is just very good at manipulating the impression he gives of himself to others.

It's very disorientating. And not just for me but for everyone who knows what has been going on. The fallout has been immense.

Don't be fooled, DA. You and he might both want to believe that it will all work out for you, and he might be saying what you want to hear, but be aware that his guilt might also extend to you now that you've left your husband.

Look at the facts and his actions, or lack of, to decide how genuine this man really is.

[DiscretionAdvised]

Thanks ATA

So if I take a subjective look at the facts and actions I see this.

He cares for me deeply but doesn't love me (same goes for me)
He has felt pressure from me which he hasn't liked. He needs to feel he is leaving for him not me
He has complex guilt emotions that I don't fully understand. Seems to relate to his daughter
He has a complex relationship with his dp. I genuinely think he loathes her but is also scared of her. She has controlled his life in the most ridiculous ways for a long time. He will be in a very bad emitioonal state for the next weeks as the separation goes ahead.
He adores his daughter and knows that this will ultimately change his relationship with her. However he believes that that is better that her growing up seeing a toxic relationship with constant rows.

He loves being with me, he wants to be with me, and believes we may have a future together. However can't make promises.
He feels uncomfortable if he thinks I have expectations of a future together (I don't, but I do have expectations of exploring the possibility of one and at least starting a 'relationship'.

Apologies for typos... Bloody blackberry!

I'm in hospital waiting for a minor op and feeling very alone and insecure. I have spent much of the day crying.

[DiscretionAdvised]

So to answer your question... I believe him to be genuine. So I really should cheer up, back off and give him the space he needs to sort his life out.

Then we can explore a future together.

[KirstyWirsty]

Sorry DA I think you are living in fairytale land and you are going to be brought down to earth with a bump. He's not rushing to be with you .. You are experiencing what mistresses for hundreds of years have felt .. You are there for him .. When you are in hospital he is with his wife