So why do the OW do it?

[carolst]

So loads of threads discuss about the H and why they have an affair/emotional affair/whatever and the fault mustlay at their feet, but the OW have to take some responsibility don't they?

Why do the do it? How could they do it? Especially if breaking up their own family in process, and even worse if they have children?

My H obsessional texting affair OW has split her own family, claims her problems are from her own mother having an affair and splitting family, but yet shows no remorse and is actually out to get me for blowing whole thing open?

Explain please?

[Merl0t]

@lovingfreedom, I would TELL the children. Not with bitterness or with anger, in a couple of years (What ages are they?) "Daddy loved another woman, which broke the promises he made when we got married". That is totally different from saying *your father is a no good lying piece of shit and i gave him the best years of my life and his new whore and he deserve each other and .. and.... and".
What I'm saying is , don't take the blame. From what I've gathered, my children won't blame their father for being piss poor, they'll blame ME for being there for them and not getting it 100% right 100% of the time. He'll be off the hook. Tangent here.

[PostBellumBugsy]

The reasons are often complex. I think on many occasions it is as simple as two people fall in love with each other. Instead of backing off, because one or both of them are committed to other people - they allow it to happen.

My ex-H fell in love with his OW and she has been his wife for 7 years now. I have worked with a number of people who have left their wives for the other woman. I also have a friend who has been having an affair with a married man for 8 years. She doesn't want him to leave his family & just enjoys his occasional company & the sex.

When my DCs were little I didn't go into any details but as they've got older I've tried to explain it better and so I told them that their Dad fell in love with OW. Funnily enough, it is the OW they dislike not their Dad. Weird!

[MysteriousHamster]

I don't get the OWs who say 'but I wasn't being cruel to his wife and children, that's all on him'.

Of course he bears primary responsibility, but you are encouraging and enabling it. You are just as much a part of it!

I can understand why affairs happen. Feeling that frisson of flirtation with someone is exciting. It's nice to feel attractive and desired and that sometimes is hard to find in a marriage of many years when you are both busy and tired. But if you're in a relationship you know what you have to lose, and that the grass isn't usually greener. If you're single, you'd be much better off entering a relationship that isn't going to hurt a bunch of people.

[rockinastocking]

In my case, the grass was greener, though.
I knew exactly what I stood to lose, and to be honest it was only lack of courage that made me take so long to 'lose' it.

I needed a catalyst to shake me out of my inertia.

The reasons for affairs are myriad. Every person is unique, every relationship is unique. Generalisations cannot work.

I'm not a slut, or a bitch, or a tart. I don't enjoy hurting others, nor was a married man "all I could get".

I do think I was a coward, and at first so was dp. It took us too long to do what we knew we'd do in the end. But, we got there and I'll never say I regret him, no matter what happens in the future.

[confusionoftheillusion]

because it's all they can get - this comment is trash.

I became an OW last yr. met someone in the summer, became friends, a few months later something physical happened and then we embarked on a physical (but not having sex) and emotional relationship. We fell hard. Both of us. It was like nothing either of us have felt before. (and yes, i do believe him. I didnt feel like that when i met dh and married him for very practical reasons so why should it be different for OM). We both hated the secrecy and I felt constant guilt for both our spouses and kids. When it was just the two so us it was wonderful but I hated the thought of a wife wondering why her husband was distant and that being my fault. And I hated the fact I was betraying my kind Dh so badly. And ironically I do believe in karma. Plus I questioned a lot what sort of man would cheat on his family, then realised I needed to pose the same question of myself.

So my experience of becoming the OW was that I genuinely fell in love, it was like being hit by a train. And weak though it is that feeling overrode the feelings of guilt and my moral compass.

rockinastocking - I'm interested in your use of 'inertia'. Was your marriage bad or just dead?

[venusandmars]

I wasn't OW, but came close.

It had been 4 years since exh (controlling, abusive relationship) and I had split, and I had 2dc. In those 4 years I'd had an intense relationship with a divorced man who was fabulous, heart-stoppingly lovely, but who was a financial nightmare. I couldn't risk the financial security of my dc and so we split up. Then I was very close to a lovely single man. But he wanted to have a full life with me and my dc, and also wanted us to have more dc. Again, I didn't think that worked well for my dc, and we didn't try to make a go of it.

Then I became friendly with a man who was married, and it did feel tempting: someone who didn't want any financial links with me; someone who didn't want to spent weekends or Christmas with me and my dc; someone who didn't want to move in and disrupt my stable life; someone who wasn't controlling and was happy for me to spend times with my other friends; someone who wasn't in my bed every night 'demanding' sex, or forcing me into it; someone who offered company and conversation.

As a practical and emotional arrangement, it would have suited what I needed at the time, and yes, I was selfish, and didn't think at all about his wife If I did give any thought to it, I would have naively thought I posed little threat to her since I didn't want to take her husband away.

It was 20 years ago, and fortunately I met and fell in love with my dp. But as someone young, and hurt, and trying to do the best for me and my dc, I came close to making a pretty bad decision.

[rockinastocking]

confusion

Bad. I was utterly miserable, in therapy and on beta-blockers for anxiety.

[rockinastocking]

"Inertia" might not have been the right word. I just felt I had no way out. Felt trapped.

[confusionoftheillusion]

Fwiw rocking It sounds like you've ended up with the right man for you. At least now it's out in the open everyone can move on with their lives.Good luck

[rockinastocking]

Thank you. It's not an easy path and not for the faint-hearted.

If nothing else this whole experience has left me a far less judgemental person than I once was. I was a hanger and flogger when it came to straying partners...then I was one.

[confusionoftheillusion]

Yeah - I know that feeling. Never judge till you've walked a mile...

Wondering whether to take the same path as you. Head says "work on marriage". Heart says "walk away from marriage now, you'll only paper the cracks if you work on it"....

[rockinastocking]

I tried following my head. My heart won. Good luck, whatever you decide.

[asktheaudience]

Moving on is all very well and necessary, but the experience doesn't go away, particularly for the DC that now have to grow up with a terrible role model for a Dad.

It is easy to understand that people fall in and out of love. But the DC are learning that when push comes to shove it's ok (because their Dad, who is an adequate parent to them generally, did it) to selfishly and secretly pursue your own desires without a thought for the consequences, rather than be honest with me. We might still have broken up. But it would have been an example of responsible adult conduct within a relationship instead of destructive one.

I know of three other men who had cheats for Dads who have gone on to do the same, despite hating it at the time. That horrifies me.

[PostBellumBugsy]

ask - I think it varies. Only one of the men I know who have left their wives for OW had a father who either 'cheated' or left - so clearly that is not a guarantee!

I hope that my DCs will grow up to know how to be decent people. They live with me & that is what I am teaching them. They already think their father is a bit of an arse & they don't like their step-mother (who was the OW). They haven't needed me to say anything bad about either of them (because I don't do that), but true character shows through all by itself.

However, I can't guarantee that my DCs won't be stupid and fall in love with people they shouldn't. I'd like to think they won't do that - but who knows? As far as I'm concerned, marriage in this country can no longer be considered a permanent state!

[OverlyYappy]

When my ex cheated on me he told some very good stories. I just wonder how being the OW you can actually believe anything these men tell you tbh!

Mine is with another OW now but I am pleased, she is terrified I am going to steal him though, I couldn't live like that, I have told her I wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire to try to ease her mind and get them to leave me alone but he still tells her he could come back. She understands my ex though. I didn't. I understand he has mental problems and is abusive.

I was OW for 1 or 2 weeks when I was 18/19, he told me he worked in the Army Barracks, I believed him, seen him maybe 7 times over a few weeks then his friend asked if I knew he was married. I finished it that day, the same evening he brought his Wife to a Club he knew I would be in, she had just had a baby, I felt awful, I have no idea if he thought I would be jealous or what but I just felt sorry for his wife.

[badinage]

Never judge till you've walked a mile...

Tommyrot.

It's always assumed by people who write bilge like this that no-one else has ever had the same opportunities..........and has walked away, however rocky their relationships and however golden the opportunity. Stop assuming that anyone would have done the same as you, if they'd had the same opportunity. Some people are stronger characters in this area than others, that's all.

That doesn't make you bad, or others good. We all have our faults, just not the same ones.

[belleat40]

The first time I was an idiot and believed him when he said they were having problems, he was sleeping on the sofa, they were just sharing a house, they hadn't had a relationship like that for years - all bollocks, he just fancied a shag.
The second, I had no idea he was married (with a baby on the way), couldn't believe it when I found out. Couldn't believe I was that stupid, naive, trusting and that the 'friends' that had introduced me to him thought it was okay - despite the fact that they knew his wife. Dumped him and them the day I found out.

[fergoose]

In my experience the OW is vulnerable, very depressed, heavy drinker, lonely, looked for no strings sex online and attracted my ex at a vulnerable time. He admitted it was a doomed relationship, she has been horrendous to me and my daughter. Told me it wasn't an affair as we were not married, and it was all a 'bit of a mess'.

She hates me with an absolute passion - she is very insecure about their relationship, and I think she has every right to be. I think they deserve each other tbh. She does her utmost to keep him and my daughter apart too.

He is mid breakdown by all accounts, and she is trying to fix him, and cling on as she has nothing else - or so I have been told.

[confusionoftheillusion]

badinage - I don't assume that everyone would have done the same. But the experiences i have had recently have made me realise that saying things like "I'd leave my dh straight away if he did x", or "I would never do Y" are all very well to say, but until you are in that situation you don't know.

So I have become a lot less judgemental of people who cheat. Ther are a myriad of reasons why both men and women do it.

[badinage]

Yes but the point is, many of us have been in your situation many times and so we do know.

[Merl0t]

Wow, well if friends introduced you to a man you would assume that he was single wouldn't you

I honestly think some men get married with the full intention of continuing to see what opportunities meet them along the way. They have a sense of entitlement.

[Lovingfreedom]

Merl0t, Daddy didn't 'love' another woman blah blah...he just likes the thrill of seducing women who don't have enough self respect to say 'no' and then lies about it.
BTW, at least 3 of the categories of OW that I described fell for my ex-H. I blame him...but I don't celebrate them.

[MoodyDidIt]

Don't forget that sometimes the wife is a mad bitch, or a bully, or an alcoholic or a drug addict, and the marriage is a disaster that the man longs to leave. More often, the relationship is an inertia one, dead in the water but neither partner is brave enough to leave the other... until someone else comes along.

There's also the fact that monogamy, while constantly peddled as The Ideal Way, is in fact both boring and counter-evolutionary, so it's no wonder people don't stick to it

i came on here to say this ^^ but found SGB had beat me to it.....

[confusionoftheillusion]

badinage - every situation is different so I think it's a bit shortsighted to say many of you have been there.

Clearly we won't agree though!

Agree that sometimes the wife/husband is all of the above... But the other spouse should still leave them first...

[madonnawhore]

About ten years ago, when I was in my early twenties, I had an affair with my boss who was ten years older than me.

He wasn't actually married but he lived with a long term girlfriend and they'd bought a house together, etc. So same difference.

I did it because I had low self esteem; it was during an 'off' phase of an emotionally abusive relationship that I would go on to waste another four years of my life on. An affair seemed like an 'anti-relationship', which in my fucked-up head, appealed at the time.

I was flattered by the attention of someone who was older, sophisticated, in a position of power. I mistakenly thought that reflected well on me - that someone like him would be interested in someone like me. Of course I would later realise that was bollocks and he was just on his own power trip. To him I think I was like a corporate perk.

It was all very exciting and illicit for a couple of months. But I started wanting it to become a proper relationship. Although I never said this to him, I wanted him to leave his girlfriend for me. Until one one morning in the taxi on my way back from his place I had a 'what the fuck am I doing?' revelation.

In that moment I realised that he was just a cheating dick. If he did leave his girlfriend for me then I'd never be able to trust him so what was the point? And how much of an arsehole was I being? Who was I kidding that I was some kind of minxy mistress? Yeah right I'm soooooo cool sleeping with the boss. In actual fact I was just second-best shag fodder. The whole thing suddenly seemed so seedy and gross that I texted him there and then from the back of the cab that we were over and never to contact me again.

Work was a bit awkward for a while but it sorted itself out. He ended up marrying his girlfriend and they have two DCs now.

I know I will never be an OW ever again. That was one huge lesson learned for me.