Mum slammed phone down again

[Thymetraveller]

I really do not want to call her back. She has done this in the past many many times and can sulk and have no contact with me for weeks.

When she calls, which is every day, she doesn't check to see if I have time to talk, just starts talking immediately. I have said to her that I find this a bit rude and that time she put the phone down on me too. She is such a 'poor me, Ihave a shit life and my daughter is shit'.
I will try not to drip feed but I am sure you can tell it's a difficult relationship.

Last night I had just opened the door, rushed in to get the phone, and said could I call her back as had just walked in with the DC.

She said I am always in a rush and say I can't talk, and 'don't bother' and then as I tried to say something she put (slammed probably) down the phone.

She then sent me an email about 2 minutes later saying that she would not be meeting me for lunch today as clearly I can't be bothered.

I emailed back saying that it's always all about her!

Would you call her?
I am not putting this in AIBU because I feel tearful enough and couldn't take the vicious comments people post in that thread.

No, do not call her.

I know you didn't put this in aibu, but I just wanted to say yadnbu.

Am sorry you feel tearful, let me make you a cup of .

Oh poor you. My mother is an "all about me" and professional victim and I know how hard and upsetting it all is.

I would leave her to stew, and not email or call (but then you get The Guilt). And when she does deign to call tell her that she is so childish putting the phone down like that.

But really I don't think she will change - my mother certainly never could. I think you have to accetp that she is like this, and adjust your own behaviour accordingly.

It's shit though. I am sorry you're feeling upset.

I would not call her. Her communication skills are crap and she seems to genuinely believe the world revolves around her.

I would try and address this though. Write a letter. Say exactly how you feel, rant, rave and call her all the names under the sun.

Then destroy that latter and work out how to tell her you love seeing her but need it to be when it's convenient for BOTH of you.

She might be your mum but she sounds like she's lacking in empathy, despite wanting so much for herself! Give yourself a break :) She's responsible for her own happiness (or unhappiness) to a certain extent and she sure as hell isn't helping herself by the sounds of it. Just try to let it wash off your back if you can! Hope it gets easier, being a mum isn't always easy at the best of times, let alone when family drama's going on :) x

Oh dear I'm sorry this is happening - very frustrating for you indeed!

The good news is - you are right.

The bad news - your mother will continue to behave this way.

All you can do is change how you react to it.

I would not call her and am not at all surprised either to read that your relationship with your mother is poor. Its likely always been this way as well.

Install caller id and do not rush to answer the phone if she is ringing. This is about power and control. Also send her e-mails to spam and block that method of contact; she is just using that as another stick to beat you with.

She sounds self absorbed, selfish and narcissistic in nature.

Do read the website entitled Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers.

Two words.... caller display. Let your phone go to answerphone if you don't have time to talk and then call her back when you're ready. That means you're in control.

I just wanted to say that my mother is just like this too. I couldn't see how weird it was until I became a mother myself. I can't imagine ever not being interested in my children's lives! Big hugs, it makes you feel shit even tough you've done absolutely nothing wrong .

Absolutely. Caller display. That way you don't end up apologising for not having time to talk to your mother when in fact she is ringing far too often and not caring whether it is convenient for you or not. Cogito is right - it is about power and control.

I suggest you answer the phone or respond to her email on one or two days a week only, at a time convenient to you. It will be hard at first but you will feel better for it.

As ever Cogito has it wrapped up.

Damn you Cogito - send some of that rational good sense my way will you?

Thank you for the support , and tea.

GetOrf mine too - she is a professional victim.
She has been divorced from my DF for over 30 years but still talks about him constantly and all her stories are about when she was married.

She still refers to her Ex's sister as her sister-in-law etc

She exhausts me!
if I ignore her calls because I am say in the middle of cooking dinner or helping one of my DC with homework, she leaves quite rude messages along the lines of 'It's just your mother calling, if you can be bothered to answer the phone, well never mind, I'm clearly disturbing you''

I feel so fragile at the moment, I just can't take on her as well, and feel so worn down by the years and years and years of her behaviour.

I am drip feeding, and this might change some of your opinions of me, but I know she is very worried about her sister, who also lives overseas and is desperately ill.

My mum wants to go and visit but her BIL says not at the moment, so I know she is worried. She also does not really have any friends and my brother barely has any contact with her, so (as she keeps telling me) I am all she's got.

But I have really just had enough of her crap and emotional blackmail.

Oh Cogoto send me some of your clear-headed strength!

Well thank God you have had enough - because let me assure you, enough has been had.

She sounds like hard bloody work, to put it mildly!! My own mother was of the manipulative persuasion herself, although nothing like as rudely or intensely as you describe your own mother by a long chalk...and even at that, my mum had me ill with guilt, worry and confusion.

I agree - enough is enough.

You need to take control. Are you ready for that?

Attila I know she is a narcissist, when I read the stately homes threads there is so much I relate to, I really want to cut off contact with her, but can I live with the guilt?

I limited contact to once a week, and try not to talk to her everyday as I never come away from interactions with her feeling good about myself.

12 yrs ago I had a bit of a breakdown and had pills and therapy and seemed to get a bit of control back in the relationship, but I feel in the last year, it's slipped away again and she is getting to me.

"'It's just your mother calling, if you can be bothered to answer the phone, well never mind, I'm clearly disturbing you''

It does make a difference that you have a seriously ill sister overseas. Have you tried calling her more often? At a time of your choosing, of course, and keeping it short. But that might at least get you round the accusation of 'you never call'. My own DM can be a bit on the prickly side but I find she's 10x better if I call every other day than if I leave it longer.

This is also why I suggested you read the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers website because on there it also talks about low contact and no contact with such women.

You did not make your mother this way and I am sure you realise that already. Her own birth family did that particular damage.

To my mind anyway it is not possible to have any sort of relationship with a narcissist

You may also find the following helpful:-

"Given distance, or only transient and intermittent contact, you can get along with narcissists by treating them as infants: you give them whatever they want or need whenever they ask and do not expect any reciprocation at all, do not expect them to show the slightest interest in you or your life (or even in why you're bothering with them at all), do not expect them to be able to do anything that you need or want, do not expect them to apologize or make amends or show any consideration for your feelings, do not expect them to take ordinary responsibility in any way. But note: they are not infants; infants develop and mature and require this kind of care for only a brief period, after which they are on the road to autonomy and looking after themselves, whereas narcissists never outgrow their demands for dedicated attention to their infantile needs 168 hours a week. Adult narcissists can be as demanding of your time and energy as little babies but without the gratification of their growing or learning anything from what they suck from you. Babies love you back, but adult narcissists are like vampires: they will take all you can give while giving nothing back, then curse you for running dry and discard you as a waste of their precious time.

It is also essential that you keep emotional distance from narcissists. They're pretty good at maintaining a conventional persona in superficial associations with people who mean absolutely nothing to them, and they'll flatter the hell out of you if you have something they can use or if, for some reason, they perceive you as an authority figure. That is, as long as they think you don't count or they're afraid of you, they'll treat you well enough that you may mistake it for love. But, as soon as you try to get close to them, they'll say that you are too demanding and, if you ever say "I love you," they'll presume that you belong to them as a possession or an appendage, and treat you very very badly right away. The abrupt change from decent treatment to outright abuse is very shocking and bewildering, and it's so contrary to normal experience that I was plenty old before I realized that it was actually my expression of affection that triggered the narcissists' nasty reactions. Once they know you are emotionally attached to them, they expect to be able to use you like an appliance and shove you around like a piece of furniture. If you object, then they'll say that obviously you don't really love them or else you'd let them do whatever they want with you. If you should be so uppity as to express a mind and heart of your own, then they will cut you off just like that, sometimes trashing you and all your friends on the way out the door. The narcissist will treat you just like a broken toy or tool or an unruly body part: "If thy hand or thy foot offend thee, cut them off" [Matt. 18:8]. This means you.

So, yes, it's possible to get along with narcissists, but it's probably not worth bothering with".

Cogito It's my mum's sister that is is ill, not my sister, so my aunt.
My mum has a very difficult relationship with my aunt as well, and I think that is why my uncle does not want my mum coming to stay.

Any event affecting someone else, my mum takes 'ownership' of, so my aunt's illness is my mum's drama. IYSWIM

She probably as well would like to turn her sister's serious illness into a drama about her. These people have no empathy, I don't think she is truly worried about her sister at all although you would like to think that she is worried abut her

Am I surprised to read that your mother has no friends and your own brother rarely contacts her - not in the least.

Attila are you a therapist or are you a daughter of a similar mum?

I have three narcissistic relatives whom I limit all contact with as much as possible (one of them cut us off from his dysfunctional life thankfully) so can unfortunately write from experience.

It's quite telling that your BIL won't let your mother visit.

Can you remove all message functions from your phone? Then you don't have to listen to your mother's self pitying emotional blackmailing messages and you will feel much better. Your mother won't feel any worse, except to be annoyed that she hasn't got an audience. Because that's all she wants from you - an audience.

Sorry, I mean your mother's BIL won't let her visit.

I couldn't do that TheProvincial because she lives on her own, and what if there was an emergency? I wouldn't forgive myself.

Reading the Narcissistic website, she is not really a narcissus. She is a victim.

She believes everyone, me, my brother, her ex, the council, her neighbours, every colleague and boss she has ever had, even some volunteers at a charity she briefly volunteered at last year, are against her.

She used to blame all her woes on her father (my grandfather), but he committed suicide 12 years ago, and now she has reinvented the story to say what a loving daughter she was to him and how alone she is now.

My BIL blames everyone else but his own self for his problems in life, he too "knows everything" yet is the professional victim.

He lays scorn on both his parents, particularly his mother, but both she and her H have enabled him to the hilt and still do so. They created this monster.

BIL to my mind is a narcissist.

Your mother relies on your own sense of guilt which is truly misplaced to help her through life. She does not really want your help, she just wants an emotional punchbag to wallop now and again. Also she has driven everyone else away by her actions, are you really surprised she has no friends?. I doubt that very much.

It is hard being the last one left in but you must further emotionally detach from her for your own peace of mind. She is emotionally damaging you by her actions. You've been trained though to put her first so it is hard to achieve detachment but counselling will again help in that regard. BACP are good and do not charge the earth. I would seriously consider agian talking this through with a counsellor. Counsellors though are like shoes, you need to find someone who fits. You may not find the first person suitable.

FOG - fear, obligation and guilt are but three damaging legacies left by such people to their offspring.

Would you call her?

No. I'd let her stew. Seriously.

Next time she calls and starts complaining about you, tell her you are busy and finish the call.

Next time she leaves a message, don't listen to it. Just call her back and ask her if it is something important. When she starts going off about you, again, tell her you are busy and finish the call.

Be polite but firm.

Then, in about one week, call her to ask how she is, and how her sister is and say you and the children are fine. Repeat as above if necessary.

The same for visits and lunches.