Mum slammed phone down again

[Thymetraveller]

I really do not want to call her back. She has done this in the past many many times and can sulk and have no contact with me for weeks.

When she calls, which is every day, she doesn't check to see if I have time to talk, just starts talking immediately. I have said to her that I find this a bit rude and that time she put the phone down on me too. She is such a 'poor me, Ihave a shit life and my daughter is shit'.
I will try not to drip feed but I am sure you can tell it's a difficult relationship.

Last night I had just opened the door, rushed in to get the phone, and said could I call her back as had just walked in with the DC.

She said I am always in a rush and say I can't talk, and 'don't bother' and then as I tried to say something she put (slammed probably) down the phone.

She then sent me an email about 2 minutes later saying that she would not be meeting me for lunch today as clearly I can't be bothered.

I emailed back saying that it's always all about her!

Would you call her?
I am not putting this in AIBU because I feel tearful enough and couldn't take the vicious comments people post in that thread.

[Thymetraveller]

meddie. when you do have contact, does yours go on about your neglect or do you walk away/leave the conversation as soon as she starts this up?

[Thymetraveller]

www.goodreads.com/quotes/636901-certainly-the-most-destructive-vice-if-you-like-that-a

This great quote from Stephen Fry sums up my mum.

I hope I have pasted the link correctly.

[meddie]

Its difficult isn't it thymetraveller. but tbh I would leave her to stew, at least you will get a few days of peace.
She sounds like hard work and scarily similar to mine, I have low contact now and that suits me fine, plus Instead of feeling guilty/upset/angry now I understand her manipulative behaviours and choose not to react to them, but its taken me years to get to this point.
You probably can't change your mum now, but you can choose not to rise to the bait and go running after her trying to make things up. because in the end thats rewarding her for her sulks and guilt tripping.

[OrangeLily]

Can you get caller ID? You pick up the phone when you do have time or call her back when you do have time.

My DM insists on only phoning my house and never on my mobile which she knows is much more convenient for a few reasons. We now have caller ID on the house phone and we only pick up when it is convenient. No point being rude and picking up just to say you can't chat. You are not a slave to the phone, it is a slave to you.

[ArkadyRose]

I really want to cut off contact with her, but can I live with the guilt?

Yes. You can. And over time it gets easier and easier until you forget it's even there any more, and you don't cringe every time the phone rings.

She needs you far more than you need her; you are not obliged to play to her demands though. You are not obliged to do anything for her - even respond to her email or calls.

Divert her emails to spam, change your phone number, move on with your life and be a much calmer, happier person as a result. Trust me, the guilt goes away quite quickly.

[Thymetraveller]

I know you are right clam and Theprovincal .

I asked her to give my number to her neighbours in case of emergency but she said she didn't want to do this.

She is always getting into arguments with them about their bins or their dog but they seem actually really nice.

But again they are 'against' my mum.

[TheProvincialLady]

...and what genuine emergency would require YOU to be there first, before the emergency services?

[clam]

"I couldn't do that TheProvincial because she lives on her own, and what if there was an emergency?"

And that's how we trap ourselves in these crappy situations. Out of interest, when was the last emergency?

[greenpostit]

Get caller ID.
And/or put a special ringtone on your landline and mobile so you know it's her landline/mobile calling.
Then, don't answer the phone to her if it isn't convenient.

I have special ringtones for different people - some to alert me that I must answer the phone and another different one attached to a difficult relative to alert me to potential problems! You need this!

[pictish]

Sorry to hijack OP.

Mil's dh eventually snapped and gave BIL notice to leave. It's his house, and bil had been there for 10 years, mulching in his room, contributing fuck all, whining about how hard his life is, pleasing himself, lying about things to save his own skin, and making everyone go about on tiptoe because he works nightshifts.
He is in his own flat now as it ended in a bit of a row. He and sfil still don't speak. Bil is the one in the huff.
He is soooo out of order, but mil enables.

I suppose I always thought he was too pathetic to be a narc.

[momb]

If she needs the reassurance of regular dialogue with you but does not/cannot acknowledge that your priorities do need to be elsewhere (as you have your own life and a family) then is there any way you could take on the responsibility of organising her 'communications'?
For example, agree that you will call her on certain days at a certain time, and follow through with this so that you are no longer at her whim ? Taking control yourself won't necessarily make her any easier to cope with but you can dispel any residual guilt you are feeling by knowing that you have done the right thing. Screen all calls, not just hers, and call back when convenient for you. Read emails on certain evenings and reply when convenient.
She does sound very difficult, and crying out for attention like a child; lashing out at the person she wants reassurance from.

[ArielThePiraticalMermaid]

You poor thing :(

My mum goes through periods like this which leave me baffled and upset.

I ignore her til she stops. It's hard though.

[GoodtoBetter]

I don't thinks narcs are necessarily flash. My mother has quite a few narc traits and isn't flash. OP, your mum sounds quite like mine (see long running thread "My mother hates my husband"), the only way to go is to detach and reduce emotional engagement. It's horrible. You have my sympathies. xx

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

pictish

I do not think we are related but we have v similar BILs, I could have written spookily similar with regards to practically all your post.

Such damaged women themselves do not realise the harm they cause, nor do they want to acknowledge that they too have played a role in the ongoing dysfunction.

My BIL though won't be thrown out nor will he ever now leave. My MIL would never do that, also she likes having him about.

[pictish]

My bil is a victim. Nothing is ever his fault, and he's only a poor little sparrow. He is a very annoying individual to know. He's manipulative and dishonest. He's selfish and arrogant.
I sometimes wonder if he is a narcissist, but from what I can garner, he is way too much of a loser to tally with a narc.

Are narcs generally sad pathetic 40 yr old men who have to be thrown out of their mother's house to take responsibility for themselves? Do they live as helpless babies with unwashed hair and clothes that smell of damp all the time? Do they swap between whining about how tough things are for them, and being pompous know it alls?

I always think of narcs as being a bit flash.

[Lueji]

My mother is okish, btw.
It's my grandmother that is the really difficult one, and my mother is a bit like you. The difference being that my grandmother never called. Not even on my mother's birthday.
I'm her favourite grandaughter, but only because I give her a mix of warmth and indiference/firmness when she steps out.

(and some of the strategies I pointed out have also been used with abusive ex :) )

[Lueji]

Would you call her?

No. I'd let her stew. Seriously.

Next time she calls and starts complaining about you, tell her you are busy and finish the call.

Next time she leaves a message, don't listen to it. Just call her back and ask her if it is something important. When she starts going off about you, again, tell her you are busy and finish the call.

Be polite but firm.

Then, in about one week, call her to ask how she is, and how her sister is and say you and the children are fine. Repeat as above if necessary.

The same for visits and lunches.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

My BIL blames everyone else but his own self for his problems in life, he too "knows everything" yet is the professional victim.

He lays scorn on both his parents, particularly his mother, but both she and her H have enabled him to the hilt and still do so. They created this monster.

BIL to my mind is a narcissist.

Your mother relies on your own sense of guilt which is truly misplaced to help her through life. She does not really want your help, she just wants an emotional punchbag to wallop now and again. Also she has driven everyone else away by her actions, are you really surprised she has no friends?. I doubt that very much.

It is hard being the last one left in but you must further emotionally detach from her for your own peace of mind. She is emotionally damaging you by her actions. You've been trained though to put her first so it is hard to achieve detachment but counselling will again help in that regard. BACP are good and do not charge the earth. I would seriously consider agian talking this through with a counsellor. Counsellors though are like shoes, you need to find someone who fits. You may not find the first person suitable.

FOG - fear, obligation and guilt are but three damaging legacies left by such people to their offspring.

[Thymetraveller]

I couldn't do that TheProvincial because she lives on her own, and what if there was an emergency? I wouldn't forgive myself.

Reading the Narcissistic website, she is not really a narcissus. She is a victim.

She believes everyone, me, my brother, her ex, the council, her neighbours, every colleague and boss she has ever had, even some volunteers at a charity she briefly volunteered at last year, are against her.

She used to blame all her woes on her father (my grandfather), but he committed suicide 12 years ago, and now she has reinvented the story to say what a loving daughter she was to him and how alone she is now.

[TheProvincialLady]

Sorry, I mean your mother's BIL won't let her visit.

[TheProvincialLady]

It's quite telling that your BIL won't let your mother visit.

Can you remove all message functions from your phone? Then you don't have to listen to your mother's self pitying emotional blackmailing messages and you will feel much better. Your mother won't feel any worse, except to be annoyed that she hasn't got an audience. Because that's all she wants from you - an audience.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I have three narcissistic relatives whom I limit all contact with as much as possible (one of them cut us off from his dysfunctional life thankfully) so can unfortunately write from experience.

[Thymetraveller]

Attila are you a therapist or are you a daughter of a similar mum?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

She probably as well would like to turn her sister's serious illness into a drama about her. These people have no empathy, I don't think she is truly worried about her sister at all although you would like to think that she is worried abut her

Am I surprised to read that your mother has no friends and your own brother rarely contacts her - not in the least.

[Thymetraveller]

Cogito It's my mum's sister that is is ill, not my sister, so my aunt.
My mum has a very difficult relationship with my aunt as well, and I think that is why my uncle does not want my mum coming to stay.

Any event affecting someone else, my mum takes 'ownership' of, so my aunt's illness is my mum's drama. IYSWIM