Mum slammed phone down again

[Thymetraveller]

I really do not want to call her back. She has done this in the past many many times and can sulk and have no contact with me for weeks.

When she calls, which is every day, she doesn't check to see if I have time to talk, just starts talking immediately. I have said to her that I find this a bit rude and that time she put the phone down on me too. She is such a 'poor me, Ihave a shit life and my daughter is shit'.
I will try not to drip feed but I am sure you can tell it's a difficult relationship.

Last night I had just opened the door, rushed in to get the phone, and said could I call her back as had just walked in with the DC.

She said I am always in a rush and say I can't talk, and 'don't bother' and then as I tried to say something she put (slammed probably) down the phone.

She then sent me an email about 2 minutes later saying that she would not be meeting me for lunch today as clearly I can't be bothered.

I emailed back saying that it's always all about her!

Would you call her?
I am not putting this in AIBU because I feel tearful enough and couldn't take the vicious comments people post in that thread.

[Lueji]

My mother is okish, btw.
It's my grandmother that is the really difficult one, and my mother is a bit like you. The difference being that my grandmother never called. Not even on my mother's birthday.
I'm her favourite grandaughter, but only because I give her a mix of warmth and indiference/firmness when she steps out.

(and some of the strategies I pointed out have also been used with abusive ex :) )

[pictish]

My bil is a victim. Nothing is ever his fault, and he's only a poor little sparrow. He is a very annoying individual to know. He's manipulative and dishonest. He's selfish and arrogant.
I sometimes wonder if he is a narcissist, but from what I can garner, he is way too much of a loser to tally with a narc.

Are narcs generally sad pathetic 40 yr old men who have to be thrown out of their mother's house to take responsibility for themselves? Do they live as helpless babies with unwashed hair and clothes that smell of damp all the time? Do they swap between whining about how tough things are for them, and being pompous know it alls?

I always think of narcs as being a bit flash.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

pictish

I do not think we are related but we have v similar BILs, I could have written spookily similar with regards to practically all your post.

Such damaged women themselves do not realise the harm they cause, nor do they want to acknowledge that they too have played a role in the ongoing dysfunction.

My BIL though won't be thrown out nor will he ever now leave. My MIL would never do that, also she likes having him about.

[GoodtoBetter]

I don't thinks narcs are necessarily flash. My mother has quite a few narc traits and isn't flash. OP, your mum sounds quite like mine (see long running thread "My mother hates my husband"), the only way to go is to detach and reduce emotional engagement. It's horrible. You have my sympathies. xx

[ArielThePiraticalMermaid]

You poor thing :(

My mum goes through periods like this which leave me baffled and upset.

I ignore her til she stops. It's hard though.

[momb]

If she needs the reassurance of regular dialogue with you but does not/cannot acknowledge that your priorities do need to be elsewhere (as you have your own life and a family) then is there any way you could take on the responsibility of organising her 'communications'?
For example, agree that you will call her on certain days at a certain time, and follow through with this so that you are no longer at her whim ? Taking control yourself won't necessarily make her any easier to cope with but you can dispel any residual guilt you are feeling by knowing that you have done the right thing. Screen all calls, not just hers, and call back when convenient for you. Read emails on certain evenings and reply when convenient.
She does sound very difficult, and crying out for attention like a child; lashing out at the person she wants reassurance from.

[pictish]

Sorry to hijack OP.

Mil's dh eventually snapped and gave BIL notice to leave. It's his house, and bil had been there for 10 years, mulching in his room, contributing fuck all, whining about how hard his life is, pleasing himself, lying about things to save his own skin, and making everyone go about on tiptoe because he works nightshifts.
He is in his own flat now as it ended in a bit of a row. He and sfil still don't speak. Bil is the one in the huff.
He is soooo out of order, but mil enables.

I suppose I always thought he was too pathetic to be a narc.

[greenpostit]

Get caller ID.
And/or put a special ringtone on your landline and mobile so you know it's her landline/mobile calling.
Then, don't answer the phone to her if it isn't convenient.

I have special ringtones for different people - some to alert me that I must answer the phone and another different one attached to a difficult relative to alert me to potential problems! You need this!

[clam]

"I couldn't do that TheProvincial because she lives on her own, and what if there was an emergency?"

And that's how we trap ourselves in these crappy situations. Out of interest, when was the last emergency?

[TheProvincialLady]

...and what genuine emergency would require YOU to be there first, before the emergency services?

[Thymetraveller]

I know you are right clam and Theprovincal .

I asked her to give my number to her neighbours in case of emergency but she said she didn't want to do this.

She is always getting into arguments with them about their bins or their dog but they seem actually really nice.

But again they are 'against' my mum.

[ArkadyRose]

I really want to cut off contact with her, but can I live with the guilt?

Yes. You can. And over time it gets easier and easier until you forget it's even there any more, and you don't cringe every time the phone rings.

She needs you far more than you need her; you are not obliged to play to her demands though. You are not obliged to do anything for her - even respond to her email or calls.

Divert her emails to spam, change your phone number, move on with your life and be a much calmer, happier person as a result. Trust me, the guilt goes away quite quickly.

[OrangeLily]

Can you get caller ID? You pick up the phone when you do have time or call her back when you do have time.

My DM insists on only phoning my house and never on my mobile which she knows is much more convenient for a few reasons. We now have caller ID on the house phone and we only pick up when it is convenient. No point being rude and picking up just to say you can't chat. You are not a slave to the phone, it is a slave to you.

[meddie]

Its difficult isn't it thymetraveller. but tbh I would leave her to stew, at least you will get a few days of peace.
She sounds like hard work and scarily similar to mine, I have low contact now and that suits me fine, plus Instead of feeling guilty/upset/angry now I understand her manipulative behaviours and choose not to react to them, but its taken me years to get to this point.
You probably can't change your mum now, but you can choose not to rise to the bait and go running after her trying to make things up. because in the end thats rewarding her for her sulks and guilt tripping.

[Thymetraveller]

www.goodreads.com/quotes/636901-certainly-the-most-destructive-vice-if-you-like-that-a

This great quote from Stephen Fry sums up my mum.

I hope I have pasted the link correctly.

[Thymetraveller]

meddie. when you do have contact, does yours go on about your neglect or do you walk away/leave the conversation as soon as she starts this up?