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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Don't know where to turn - DH thinks his behaviour is acceptable, I can't get through to him

238 replies

Pegpolkadot · 30/01/2013 07:39

DH has always had a vile side. He has never laid a finger on me and never would but because his mother was physically abusive to him he in turn finds it acceptable to shout and hit the children.

The thing I can't understand is that he doesn't see that what he does to his own children is no different to what she did to him and that in the end they will feel the same way about him as he does about her.

Last night was bad. My DS1 aged 9 who has Aspergers revealed the extent of his constipation at about 10.30 when we came up to bed. He was terrified it was going to hurt so wouldn't go to the toilet. DH said I was being too nice about it and that he was going to make himself ill so he would deal with it. He towered over him shouting in his face, he tried hitting and punching him to scare him into it and when he repeatedly coughed he put his hand over his mouth to stop him.

As I put him to bed DS1 cried and asked me to promise I would never let that happen again Sad

I have got to go on a course today so DH is in charge. Not worried as big 2 at school then my parents are picking them up from school. He will be fine with the 3 year old.

If DS discloses at school today they will call social services and part of me hopes he does. There is a good chance he will because of his Aspergers.

I don't know what to do. I've tried telling him this thing is not acceptable. I threatened to leave in August but he begged me to stay and changed for a while but the old him is creeping back in.

WWYD???

OP posts:
soulresolution · 30/01/2013 20:49

That's a good suggestion by inertia to speak to someone at the school in the first place, it might be less daunting to start there. If your ds says something at school about the abuse, as you believe he might, they will have the background to understand what has happened.

brainonastick · 30/01/2013 21:30

Well done peg. That's all you need to do for today, well done.

Get some rest tonight.

jasmineramsden · 30/01/2013 21:36

I'm sickened at what I've just read in your OP. It is without doubt that you should take your children out of this vile situation immediately and leave this man.

foofooyeah · 30/01/2013 21:36

Peg, get some rest tonight and lean on your parents for support. Think clearly what you want to do but make sure you put your children and yourself first.

ArbitraryUsername · 30/01/2013 22:05

It should now be easier to speak to the school. Certainly, it should be less scary. Simply because now you can say that you've left your H because he abused your DS. You are keeping them up to date with important changes in your children's lives, which means they can be aware of and sensitive to any changes in the DC's behaviour.

They can also record this and take whatever steps they need to but you've already made it clear that you are protecting your children. It's important that you have records of this sort of thing because you don't want your H getting any residency or even unsupervised contact with children he thinks it's OK to physically and emotionally abuse.

But right now, sit back and feel proud of yourself for having done something. You are all safe right now and that's the important thing.

MissVerinder · 30/01/2013 22:13

Well done, peg.

grumblinalong · 30/01/2013 22:23

You have put appropriate and timely safeguarding in place. You now have to give yourself permission to see your DH as an abuser.

Safeguarding assessments look to see that you have removed the child from direct contact from abuser and recognised the risks to your children. I would recommend you contact yr local auth social care contact centre to tell them what steps you have taken. I wouldn't leave it up to the school because duty of care ultimately rests with you. The process isn't as scary as it sounds I promise. PM me if you would like to ask more questions. I can't go into much detail on here because I'm a children's services professional.

sheeesh · 30/01/2013 22:37

Please please please leave this man.

Your children need you to protect them. Your husband will not change his behaviour; if anything his violence towards your children will get worse.

Women's Aid and Social Services can help and support you.

sheeesh · 30/01/2013 22:42

Sorry posted before I saw that you're at your mum and dad's

Well done for that

PureQuintessence · 30/01/2013 22:48

SO glad to see your update. Well done. I hope you stay safe, you and your children.

Have you told your parents what has been happening? It is great that you have support.

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved · 30/01/2013 23:09

Well done OP, and thanks for coming back & posting too as its been a very polarizing response.

It's so hard to be strong & make decisions that change your whole life. But your children need you to, & although it's totally not your fault you're in this situation, you can get yourself & your children out of it... So hard, but you can do it. Sounds like you were very brave today. Carry on being brave. Good luck.

Ra88 · 30/01/2013 23:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

AbigailAdams · 30/01/2013 23:23

Ra88 that was nasty and uncalled for. She didn't allow it to happen. He did it. He is to blame completely for his actions. She is protecting her children by removing them from his influence.

VitoCorleone · 30/01/2013 23:27

Oh God thats awful :( cant imagine how your poor DS must have felt, especially seeing as though he was already scared to go to the toilet, in fact thats probably one of the saddest things ive ever read on here.

Glad to hear you're at your parents house now. You really should report him, protect your children, it must be bloody awful for them living in fear.

aufaniae · 30/01/2013 23:27

Peg you've done the right thing. I hope your parents are giving you the support you need.

Women's Aid can help you find out where you stand legally and give you really good support. They are very busy, but don't let that put you off - if you leave your number, they will get back to you.

It is important you report him. I know it may well seem daunting, but if you don't, then he could be granted access to the children by a court against your wishes.

Wishing you strength to get through this bit.

5madthings · 30/01/2013 23:28

Well done for getting out op!! Take it a day at time, there is support on here, you can do this, much love and strength xx

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 31/01/2013 07:57

Good morning Peg. Wishing you all the strength you need to take whatever steps you have to take today. Hope you got some sleep and hope your dcs are ok.

TheGoatThatGotAway · 31/01/2013 08:27

Good morning from me too. Thinking of you and offering a hand to hold through the day.

AngelWreakinHavoc · 31/01/2013 08:33

Well done Peg. The first step is always the hardest.
You have lots of support here, please keep us updated and we shall advise/help best we can Thanks

BertieBotts · 31/01/2013 08:43

Fantastic OP. I'm glad you've made this very difficult step, it's the right thing to do. If you're ever in any doubt just remember your DS sobbing and asking you to promise it won't happen again - he is safe now. That must mean the world to him.

I agree speak to school, if they are going to school today. If nothing else they must know that your "D"H must not be allowed to pick them up under any circumstances.

Also Women's Aid will be a great support to you - contact them as well. They will not force or persuade you to do anything, just support with whatever direction you want to take this now.

How are your parents, are they being supportive?

PostBellumBugsy · 31/01/2013 08:51

Well done Peg - I'm so relieved that you have some support & that your DC are away from your H. I can imagaine what a very stressful day it must have been - but you really have done the right thing. I don't know you - but I'm proud of you for taking this step - it was a brave thing to do.

retrocutie · 31/01/2013 08:54

Just read this thread. OP, I cannot believe you have not reported this to the police. What if he requests unsupervised contact sometime in the future? What are you going to say? You can't refuse on the grounds that he is violent to the DC because you never reported it.

nilbyname · 31/01/2013 08:55

You are safe, your children are safe. You have made a big step today, so feel proud of that. Now you have started you just need to keep going.

There is a well of support for you here on MN.

Call WA. Please call them.

NicknameTaken · 31/01/2013 09:43

So glad you've taken the dcs to a safe place. That's what a good mother does.

I know this time is confusing and hard, because you may not feel fully committed to an escape plan, and he will be bringing emotional pressure to bear on you. I would still urge you to call Women's Aid - they can help break down the actions you need to take into simple steps and support you all the way.

Just don't go back - don't worry about practical things like schooling or possessions and certainly not about your H is feeling. Give yourself plenty of headspace - you don't need to rush into anything.

Theas18 · 31/01/2013 10:05

You have to act. Police and out of there with the kids.

Not to scare you but to point out that social services could be involved with you ( as well as him) . This is "failure to protect" if you don't act , and quite rightly a 9yr old that you allow ( or are cowed into allowing) to be abused is going to be subject of safeguarding proceedings. Grow a pair, get your kids away from the abuser and social services will be on your side.

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