Don't know where to turn - DH thinks his behaviour is acceptable, I can't get through to him

[Pegpolkadot]

DH has always had a vile side. He has never laid a finger on me and never would but because his mother was physically abusive to him he in turn finds it acceptable to shout and hit the children.

The thing I can't understand is that he doesn't see that what he does to his own children is no different to what she did to him and that in the end they will feel the same way about him as he does about her.

Last night was bad. My DS1 aged 9 who has Aspergers revealed the extent of his constipation at about 10.30 when we came up to bed. He was terrified it was going to hurt so wouldn't go to the toilet. DH said I was being too nice about it and that he was going to make himself ill so he would deal with it. He towered over him shouting in his face, he tried hitting and punching him to scare him into it and when he repeatedly coughed he put his hand over his mouth to stop him.

As I put him to bed DS1 cried and asked me to promise I would never let that happen again

I have got to go on a course today so DH is in charge. Not worried as big 2 at school then my parents are picking them up from school. He will be fine with the 3 year old.

If DS discloses at school today they will call social services and part of me hopes he does. There is a good chance he will because of his Aspergers.

I don't know what to do. I've tried telling him this thing is not acceptable. I threatened to leave in August but he begged me to stay and changed for a while but the old him is creeping back in.

WWYD???

Well done peg. Stay strong

So so relieved for you and your dc . Thank you for update - we've all been thinking of u today. Well done for taking that first step towards happier times

A good first move.

Relief and respect from me too, Peg. You've done such a brave thing today. I'm glad you have support. Take the time you need to process before deciding what happens next. And please keep posting here if it's helpful. I think a lot of people are really rooting for you. Thinking of you X

I respect that Peg.

What do you want to do next then? What are your thoughts?

Thank you for updating OP. Relieved to hear your DC are safe.

Well done Peg.

Well done Peg, you've done the right thing, for you and your children.

So glad you've got your Mum and Dads support and help. Let them look after you all for a while.

I feel I need to write something but dont know exactly what.
I think it is always best to try and put ourselves in the op's shoes, not say things from our own shoes iyswim.
This lady is frightened of her husband. And has probably lost a lot of her confidence along the way. And has probably been told a lot of nonsense by her husband.
And it most certainly doesnt help that he is in the poloce force. And coupled with that, her inlaws know about family law.

op,I dont know what the next step is, but others on here do.
If you are all safe where you are, and when you have all calmed down a bit, mumsnetters will be able to help you with the next step.
Baby steps, as long as you are all safe, will get you where you need to be.

Oh thank god! I was coming back to this thread with only 1 eye half open for fear of no update, or worse, I'm staying put.

You did the right thing today, you saved your DC. You made a promise to your DS last night and you have kept it.

Don't ever break that promise to him. Don't ever go back.

You will need to report this, to the police, to ss,and to your Dr. Please take him to the Dr to get any bruises photographed.

If you don't do this, this 'man' of yours will get potentially equal and unsupervised access to your DC, and you'll have very little power to do anything to protect them.

It's all about protecting them now, nothing else is important.

The 'man' you married is a dangerous monster, who'll stop at nothing to inflict his demands on others. You can't ever go back to that. Please see that?

I'm so sorry for you all, I know how tough that realisation it, but I can assure you that you will never regret doing this for your DC, or for yourself.

Well done OP. Both for doing something (and I assume telling your parents) and for coming back to update. They both took bravery (the former more than the latter, obviously!) I hope you are doing OK.

Things will get better and easier. Perhaps not immediately, but they absolutely will.

Good on you for leaving and taking the children away. :)

They do deserve you, and even you say he has never hit you, you are enough in fear of him to do nothing when he abuses your children, and were scared of leaving.

Now, please do take legal advice. Your BIL may know law, but so do lots of other people.

The question you should ask yourself now is how are you going to effectively protect the children? How are you going to convince a judge that he can't be left alone with his children?

Unless you can think of another way, you must report this to the police, or SS, if you don't feel you can trust the police.

Well done OP. I hope you have lots of support to stay strong.

Well done, we are all proud of you. Please keep him away from them.

Well done !

Well done for that first step.

Please be strong and don't return to him. Like a lot of abusers he will probably beg forgiveness and say he's changed. He won't.

What are your plans from here? Can you get to a solicitor to ask for advice re housing and separation? Many offer a first appointment free.

I'd start making some practical plans now. You will feel stronger for doing that and less likely to feel helpless and fall back into returning home..

I'm glad your mum and dad are supporting you.

Oh Peg you brave brave woman. Well done you. Massive hugs from me anyway!!

Well done Peg

Can I advise you to ask your parents (or other trusted person) to handle your email / phone for now? Your H will now start up a campaign of minimizing, begging, crying, and threats. You are too soon out to be able to handle this with detachment, and it will be best to have a filter between yourself and his manipulation to get you back under his control.

Good luck, stay strong, and well done once again - it takes courage to do what you did today.

Yes to what HotDamn says. It will make the coming days a bit easier too.

Well done. You've been so brave and done the right thing.

Well done Peg, so relieved that you and your children are safe .

If you don't feel you can report to police, can you speak to the Child Protection Officer at your children's school and explain what's happened and that you have moved the children to a safe place ? In fact it might be a good idea to do this anyway, so the staff are aware that the children may become upset.

Well done. Now to get utterly fucking livid about what he's done. Use that anger to carry you through this and to make sure you never, ever let him worm his way back in.

I want to give your ds the biggest cuddle. My little ds has asd too and the thought of anyone harming him while he's confused and vulnerable makes me utterly murderous.

I'm very proud of you and would like to think I have done the same thing.

Please be aware that you might want to put this on record when you are feeling a bit stronger in case you want to stop him from having unsupervised access to the children later.

In the meantime, watch your children sleep and enjoy the knowledge that whatever tribulations the future may bring you have taken steps to protect and cherish them.

X

Yes, you may need to have recorded this somewhere for later if the unsupervised access question comes up. You can't risk this happening to your ds again even if you are scared about making trouble for your h.