Don't know where to turn - DH thinks his behaviour is acceptable, I can't get through to him

[Pegpolkadot]

DH has always had a vile side. He has never laid a finger on me and never would but because his mother was physically abusive to him he in turn finds it acceptable to shout and hit the children.

The thing I can't understand is that he doesn't see that what he does to his own children is no different to what she did to him and that in the end they will feel the same way about him as he does about her.

Last night was bad. My DS1 aged 9 who has Aspergers revealed the extent of his constipation at about 10.30 when we came up to bed. He was terrified it was going to hurt so wouldn't go to the toilet. DH said I was being too nice about it and that he was going to make himself ill so he would deal with it. He towered over him shouting in his face, he tried hitting and punching him to scare him into it and when he repeatedly coughed he put his hand over his mouth to stop him.

As I put him to bed DS1 cried and asked me to promise I would never let that happen again

I have got to go on a course today so DH is in charge. Not worried as big 2 at school then my parents are picking them up from school. He will be fine with the 3 year old.

If DS discloses at school today they will call social services and part of me hopes he does. There is a good chance he will because of his Aspergers.

I don't know what to do. I've tried telling him this thing is not acceptable. I threatened to leave in August but he begged me to stay and changed for a while but the old him is creeping back in.

WWYD???

OP- I hope you come back.

The reason these situations go on is that you and your son are carrying the fear, guilt and shame like a secret - while your DH gets away with it.

Don't be ashamed or frightened to tell people about this.

I bet if you broke down sobbing in the school playground lots of people would help you and be supportive - if you tell someone, it will liberate you from the burden of carrying this all around inside - you must feel so lonely.

Women's Aid will talk you through this.

It would be a good idea to call Womens Aid and the domestic violence unit at your local police stations.

I have found them invaluable in offering advice and helping someone flee violence in the past few weeks.

Oh Peg, I hope you come back. You can do this. You are stronger than you think.
Your son needs to see an adult standing up for him. I know this is so hard but you can do it. Local police or women's aid. Get your mum and/or dad to be with whilst you do it.

You don't have to do this alone, whether it is support through this forum, or in RL. You are not alone. You are not a bad mum. You are in a bad situation and scared.

We're here to hand hold/advise as much as you need us.

I would leave today as others have said,
If you do nothing you are guilty of abuse, you have a duty of care.

I can appreciate how much of a shock it is though, but you need to think of your son.

I was so hoping that this thread would turn out to be a troll or something, I just would rather all this was made up than be actually happening right now.

This is not the first time that we have had a poster on Mumsnet who is being abused by a husband who works for the police.

What else could I possibly say that has not already been said? She is afraid of losing the children so would rather watch them being physically assaulted than take measures to save them? OP, if you don't act you will lose them anyway. They will turn around and ask what you did when their father was hitting them. You will be just as much to blame in their eyes. Yet if you take steps to stop this abuse, you will be seen as their saviour.

Those children are living in fear. Just imagine how frightened they must be. He tried to scare his own son into shitting himself. I am almost sick with the thought of that happening and I am not even that child's mother - you are.

These organisations which have been linked and linked to again on this thread deal with this every day. They deal with abusive lawyers, abusive policemen, abusive soldiers etc. No-one is above the law. I don't care how successful his brother is in family law - high profile lawyers have gone to jail before now for this kind of thing.

In case you don't believe me, lawyer arrested for beating his girlfriend and here is a policeman arrest for domestic violence

Look at what is happening in the Savile case. Max Clifford and all those other well known celebrities who thought they were above the law. I'm sure they can afford the best defence lawyers in the country but that didn't stop them from being arrested.

Thing is OP, if you report it then this will be considered by the court and seen in your favour. If you don't report it but school do then you may well be seen as an accomplice.

I wonder if your husband's lawyer brother knows about him beating up his children? Perhaps he got into family law to exorcise the demons of his own childhood and help similar children?

Stop being selfish and start thinking of the welfare of your children. You have left this man before, you can do so again. You role as a mother is to bring your children up in an environment where they are safe, where they can thrive and that is not happening. Your son is only little, this abuse will get worse as he gets older and trust me, you will be seen as complicit by your failure to act. As a mother you have to put your childen first - before your husband and before yourself even. So step up to the mark and do the right thing by your kids.

Peg, some great advice here and I have nothing to add apart from I hope you can see a way to stop this horrible situation. He wont change.

Yes, listen to TheRhubarb

Your own son asked you for help. He made you promise that you would never let this happen again. I just read over that and couldn't stop my tears.

Are you going to ignore his cry for help? Are you going to break that promise? He will never forget what happened and he will never forget that he asked you for help. Woe betide you if you let your son down now.

You have tried the reasonable approach by trying to tell him that his behaviour is unacceptable.
That didnt work.
You threatened to leave back in August, but he begged and tried to change his behaviour for a small while, but his fundamental character is back in full force
You know that what he did is totally unacceptable, hence your posting here for support - that is a good step. When you feel overwhelmed by an abusive bully it is often hard to know which way to think, especially if he has a job that provides him with a sense of power, and has family back up.
However your child has asked you to promise to protect him. He is asking you to get him out. He knows that you cant physically protect him.
Theproblem with leaving it to your son to report the matter is that if it heads down that route, and it comes out that he has been abusive to the children in the past and you stood by and allowed it to happen (whether you wanted to or not) they will act to protect the children and they may well remove them from the home. So YOU need todo the reporting. YOU need to show them that you are trying to help your children, not standing by complicit in their abuse. You need to do theis as quickly as you can because, believe me, if your son opens his mouth the snowball effect will leave you in a very bad position.
You need to pick up the phone to womens aid and social services today, not only to protect your children, but to state your position clearlybefore the whole thing is taken out of your hands.

Please leave. This wont resolve itself, it'll only get worse. He hit him for being constipated!? The poor love. You have been left with no choice. Leave, protect them. They didn't ask for this for this life and they don't deserve it. You're the one with all the power here, although you don't see it, but you are! Use it to protect them. You'll feel empowered as a mother the moment you make that decision. Life will be easier once your conscience is clear and you know that no matter how hard it was for you, you protected your children!

Peg, I'm so sorry to add yet another post to the deluge you have here already. The person who said that what you need now is calm and support is right, I'm sure. And yet your situation is so distressing even just to read about that I feel I have to post again and share this, though it may out me:

I had an uncle - or rather, I would have had an uncle, my mum's younger brother - who killed himself because he was so afraid of his abusive father. He was eleven. The week before he died, he told my mum that he'd confided in his headteacher about what was happening at home, and asked her whether he'd done the right thing. How can a thirteen-year-old know the answer to that? This is a tragedy that has brought untold further suffering to my mum's family and left wounds that have still not healed, even 50 years later.

So many of us here want so much to see you and your children safe and free. Please tell us how we can help. Please be brave. I can only imagine how hard it must be. My grandmother didn't manage it. But please try. Please.

I think it's all been said, really.

But you would never be a bad mother by protecting your child from being hit.

You need to leave.

Your children need you to be strong for them.

They can't walk away. They need you to walk away with them.

This is terrible to read.

You left him once - you can do it again, and this time, you don't have to go back.

You need to be brave and reach out for support - your children are reaching out to you, please help them.

I hope the poor DS does disclose at school what has happened and l sure the authorities will not be impressed by the OP's lack of action. It could reflect very badly on her.

I can only reiterate what NettleTea has said. Please do not leave it in the hope your son will report it. This will put you in a very bad position as you will be seen by Social services as not protecting your child, by not reporting it.
For your and your children's sake you need to be the one to take action to prevent this from happening again.
I know this is frightening and the thought of the fallout and breaking up your family must seem hard to contemplate but what you need to do is keep your children's welfare as the main focus. You need Social services on your side to help you, not doubting your ability to protect your children.
You really can't brush this off and hope it wont happen again, because if it does or your Son does report the abuse then it will escalate out of your control and Social services will be involved anyway.

please leave. your son has asked you to protect him it shouldnt have come to this

Peg, if you're still reading this, could you go to your son's school and talk to the HT? They will put everything in motion for you, as others have said. Please tell someone in real life. Nobody should have to live like this, especially not your boy.

Please please please leave.

This is no life for your children.

If you don't leave then you are allowing this to happen to them. It's as simple as that. And the children will see you agree with your dh's violence.

OP after reading your original post this morning, I can't get the image of your poor DS out of my head

Please, if you are still reading this thread, do something now, before your H has another chance to start on him. Your little boy is depending on you - please do something now.

Peg,

I hope you've found the strength to listen to all this advice. I really had to hold back the tears when I read your opening post.

Please inform someone to protect your son and protect you from being blamed.

You have lots of support here, but you must take the steps in RL.

X

OP, this is so difficult and scary for you. Agree with above posters about telling someone - anyone. Ideally the police or ss, but if not how about your son's teacher?

As others have said, if you do something now you will be the heroine, if you stay silent you are complicit.

Please, please keep your promise to your son.

I can only agree with the other posters that this is appalling and that you CANNOT stand by and let it happen, or the outcome will be when it does come out that you will be seen as complicit in the abuse and will lose your children. It's not up to a 9 yr old to report it, you need to speak to somebody today (if you can't say it, write a letter) who will set the wheels in motion to get you and your children safe. GP for your son sounds like an excellent idea.
I am so sad for your kids. Please be strong for them.

I agree with the posters who say start by telling one person in real life - ring social services, or Women's Aid, or make a GP's appointment. It's hard to do this all by yourself - you need some allies. Start with one person, and they will help you with the next steps. Right now you might be almost paralysed with fear, but all you need to do is concentrate on that first step.

You mention that your H's brother is a family law specialist - consider this all the more an incentive to get documented evidence that you reported abuse, so that he can't claim later on that you're making it up to get residence.

One step, OP - just start with one step.

I just can't get over that dreadful chilling image, of a child in pain, on the toilet being punched and screamed at. How more humiliating and brutal could your H have been to your DS.

Is this definitely a 'real' poster?

I really hope it isn't because I cannot stop thinking about how dreadful this is.