Don't know where to turn - DH thinks his behaviour is acceptable, I can't get through to him

[Pegpolkadot]

DH has always had a vile side. He has never laid a finger on me and never would but because his mother was physically abusive to him he in turn finds it acceptable to shout and hit the children.

The thing I can't understand is that he doesn't see that what he does to his own children is no different to what she did to him and that in the end they will feel the same way about him as he does about her.

Last night was bad. My DS1 aged 9 who has Aspergers revealed the extent of his constipation at about 10.30 when we came up to bed. He was terrified it was going to hurt so wouldn't go to the toilet. DH said I was being too nice about it and that he was going to make himself ill so he would deal with it. He towered over him shouting in his face, he tried hitting and punching him to scare him into it and when he repeatedly coughed he put his hand over his mouth to stop him.

As I put him to bed DS1 cried and asked me to promise I would never let that happen again

I have got to go on a course today so DH is in charge. Not worried as big 2 at school then my parents are picking them up from school. He will be fine with the 3 year old.

If DS discloses at school today they will call social services and part of me hopes he does. There is a good chance he will because of his Aspergers.

I don't know what to do. I've tried telling him this thing is not acceptable. I threatened to leave in August but he begged me to stay and changed for a while but the old him is creeping back in.

WWYD???

I think she would act a lot faster if people were more calm and less accusing in their responses. You are not going to shock her into action people, it doesn't work like that. She needs calm, to be able to think things through, to decide who is the best RL person to talk to. She WILL get her children out of this, but piling on the accusations will not make her go any faster. If anything it will slow her down as she will just feel even worse about herself and more useless and unable to do anything.

OP, if you are still reading, you can get away. Pease look through some of the more costructive advice on here. Plea don't be frightened that he is a police worker, or of his llawyer brother. It won't change anything. You're about to go through the one of the hardest things you have ever done, but you are strong enough.

If you call the police, you can have him removed from your home.

Blimey, OP. Is your son not covered is bruises? I would expect a call from the school or social services this morning asking you how he got in this state. You must make that call to the police now before anyone calls you. If you're on a course pretending all is fine then it looks like you are covering your DH's behaviour up and allowing it to happen.

Ah peg.

Take a deep breath.

What is gone is gone, you can dwell on it later. What matters right now is what you do now and in the future. Take some action right now to make your children's future a better one. Be brave. Imagine the bravest person you know and pretend you are them for today. Go on, start now.

OP don't worry now about how you acting last night.

It's what you do today that counts.

If you report Dp before your DS, ss will support and help you.

Yes the OP is weak and should have stepped in to protect her DS (sorry OP) but come on ladies, agressively berating her isn't helping. How about some constructive advice instead?

I suggest that you should firist get this on the record. Report this to Child Sevices. Tell them about past occurrences. They will decide whether the level of violence requires the police to be involved.

Hopefully this will put the fear of God into DP. The fact that he works with the police is to your advantage since he won't want to be tagged as a child abuser.

This will give you breathing space to think medium term and to come up with an exit strategy ie get a better paid job so that you can provide for your DCs, find out your council housing options, seek legal advice about your rights regarding shared financial assets if any.

Oh OP. This must be SO hard for you. I'm not going to shout because my own sister has been in the most horrible emotionally abusive relationship for 20 years and she's never left. Her 3 dd's are teenagers now....I've seen her try to 'double' love them, I've seen her self esteem slowly crushed out of her. She still stays as she says she hasn't got the strength to 'disrupt everything'. It breaks my heart every day. I really hope that one day she finds the strength to go.

Most of your post upset me, but the thing that got me in the gut was when your DS asked you to promise not to let it happen again. He's begging for your help. Please PLEASE find the strength to act. Even if its to ring someone to ask them to act for you.

Lastly, massive support and love to you OP. I will be thinking about you lots until you're all safe.

I honestly don't think the OP is going to report this straight away.
She is petrified of what will happen next.
It's all well and good saying do this or do that but honestly she knows what she needs to do and how to do it, she is just very very scared.

OP if you are still reading this, I really really urge you to tell someone in RL, now, today.
You need support. You need someone with you through this because I think you are too scared to put this in motion by yourself.

Please, please stop whatever you are doing, go sick or something and speak to someone you trust. And go from there.

The first step is the hardest, putting into practice what you know you have to do.
Once you take the first step, it will start it off and it will get better, for you and your children.

Find a family member you trust, talk to them, contact women's aid so you have a clear idea of what will happen, what rights you have etc.

OMG - I feel for you and I can understand your fear. Even though you know this is bad, you are afraid you are going to make it worse.

I think you need to make some plans. Go & talk to womens aid, talk to a family member. Organise yourself somewhere you can go with the children at whatever time of the day or night you need to leave.

Tell your H, that he must not hit the children anymore & that if he does you will leave taking the childen with you. Tell him you mean this absolutely & you have somewhere to go. Tell him that this will be very bad for his career (believe me the days of the police protecting one of their own when they hit kids is over) and he needs to think long & hard about this - because you really, really mean it.

Please do not stand by and watch this happen to your children. I was hit repeatedly as a child by my mother with ropes, sticks, kitchen implements, shoes etc & it was not good for me & I could never understand how my father stood by & let it happen. I hated my mother for hitting me & despised my father for allowing it to happen. Don't be despised by your kids - be strong for them.

But the OP doesn't have to do all the reporting. She only has to tell one person who can/will act to stop this. It doesn't have to be as scary as phoning the police or social services; it can be as simple as telling the GP, the HV or someone at the school. They can do the rest.

The important thing is not to see this as a huge thing that you have to sort out all on your own. It is absolutely OK to let other people help you and work with them so that you never have to feel so weak and scared again.

And doing that will allow you to keep your promise to your DS. It doesn't have to be some grand heroic 'rescue' (I doubt any of you would want that). Sometimes simply asking for help is the most important thing. You've already managed to tell people on MN (expecting to be flamed for it). That won't have been easy.

Just tell one more person who can do everything else. It will be terrifying to do it, but you will be able to do it. If you don't feel you can say it, write it down and hand it to the GP/HV/teacher. They will have had training about what to do and can help you. Then it won't be a family secret any more.

In years to come, you'll be able to look back and see how strong you had to be to do this and you'll feel proud of yourself for protecting your son. I promise.

YY to writing it down. Good idea.

I'm a cryer, and I always need to write stuff down in case I burst in to tears when I go to say it. I'm not known as CryBabyStreep for nothing.

Yes, good post Arbitrary.

Imagine your son doing this to your grandchild in 20 odd years time...what would you do then? Leave and don't look back, while you stay you are enabling your partner to continue this behaviour and abetting him by taking his side by doing nothing to protect your child. Don't be a party to this by doing nothing if you really love your kids. Please.

People react strongly to stories like this because it is genuinely horrifying to read.

Reading about it, from the comfort of our safe homes gives us the luxury of being horrified without having to live with it. People aren't trying to be too harsh or unhelpful. It's a knee jerk reaction. And a lot of us have lived with this or similar. So when we're saying leave, we mean it. Because it's not easy but it IS doable and it IS worth it.

I think the suggestion to write to down is a good one. Please do keep in mind that should SS/police get involved without you instigating it they will, quite rightly, question why you allowed it to happen.

It's in your interests as much and your child's to get this reported.

You don't have to be at a course today. You have to be a protector to your children and you have to protect yourself.

Good luck!

He sounds horrible. I don't think children should be subject to that sort of behaviour.

Have you always been unhappy about the way your H deals with your children? How has he been with the older two?

There is no shame in getting help. You will get the help you need to make you and your children's lives better and easier.

I feel for you, am in a very similar situation. One of my sons also has Aspergers and attends a special needs school. My husband struggles to understand my sons behaviour, like i do, as i spend the most time with him. He gets frustrated with him and does sometimes lose his rag a little too often and shout at him..it would never go any further than that, but like you, I am getting sick of his treatment to my son and my other kids. After all, we are here to protect our children and do the best for them.
I've warned my husband, if he speaks to any of my kids like that again, he will be out. I dont want my children to look back on their child hood and think bad of it.
I dont think you should be getting a hard time, being in an abusive relationship takes a lot of guts to get out of, you will need a lot of support, especially if you have hit rock bottom and have no confidence left. You have been brave to admit this,well done. If you have family and friends, please confide in them in private, they may be able to help you...or go to the Womens Aid forum and seek advice.
Hope you and I can both seek a better future for ourselves and our children. Big hugs xx

He will remember last night for ever.
He will remember - the time that Dad beat me up and Mum rescued me.

I believe you can do this, Pegpolkadot. I believe you can be that hero. Even if you think of just one thing you can do today to get the ball rolling. One person you can reach out to for help.

Thinking of you.

Hi
What an awful situation, I don't know how you can even risk any of your children experiencing that EVER again. An innocent child being punched by an adult that should be loving and protecting them? How frightening and bewildering for your poor DS. Your H had no right having children and he should be nowhere near them. PLEASE get yourself and your children away from him for good.

I believe you can do it too, Peg.

Try not to think about the enormity of leaving. Just think about the next small step, reaching out. You've done it here and well done you. Now someone in rl.

Report him as soon as you possibly can. I was that child too.
Remeber bullies are essentially cowards, and you can do this. He won't be the big man when people know what he has done, and he will hold no power over you or your dc.

Peg please find the strength, pick up the phone, and ask for help. You can & will get through this, you just have to make the first move.

Keep posting

Dear God, I would have killed him . Beating a child trying to go to the toilet. I am raging on behalf of DS.

You can do this Peg. Lots of people on here will listen, people in RL will help (pound to a pinch of shit they're already suspicious).

You've seen you H turn from an abused child into an abuser. Acting now will change the fate of your precious boy.

The GP is probably a good idea anyway. Make DS an urgent appointment at which you can hand over your letter (if you can't face actually saying it all) and get something done about the constipation. Constipation is absolutely awful and can become a really entrenched vicious cycle. That way you can do two things to help your DS at the same time.

Don't feel that you are abusing the urgent appointments system; you are absolutely not. You and your son need urgent help.

And absolutely don't worry about the course. No course in the world is more important than this right now. It probably feels safer just going along with the planned activities for today, but it's probably best not to.