So DH said...

[wavesandsmiles]

He knew I wouldn't want to hear it, but he really regrets getting me pregnant. I am 14 weeks pregnant with our first child, which we actively tried for. We each have 2 children from previous relationships, and there are blended family issues causing tension at the moment. I've been getting quite ill with regualr blackouts and am still suffering morning sickness.

We are going to try to make things work, but I am gutted to the core. It is not something that was said in the heat of a row, just in a "let's have a chat about what is wrong" talk.

I feel really upset - he is even talking about separating, and that his mum has offered to lend him money to get a deposit on a rented flat. We bought our forever home in October, and no way can I afford to pay the mortgage myself. I feel lost. I appreciate he is entitled to his own feelings, and to express these, but it doesn't hurt any less that he (a) is contemplating abandoning his pregnant wife and (b) has said he regrets the baby.

If he wants to separate, which he has said will be the case if our plan to improve things doesn't work, I really have no idea what will happen. I know this is a lot of what ifs, but the fact he has said how much he regrets all this, and that in his head he is at the stage where he has spoken to his mum who has offered him money, suggests that his mind may be made up already.

I think I just need some hand holding. He is/was my best friend, my happy ever after, only now it doesn't feel so much like that.

deepest sympathy to you for what u are going through at what is a difficult time. can you not ring your midwife re blackouts? just to get yourself checked out ie blood pressure.

sounds like u are a very strong woman. think i would have crumbled by now.

nobody will think you are silly at all. they will just think badly of him and can i just say what a total selfish bastard he is!! xx

waves I read a few more of your new posts. You are a strong woman and a strong mum. You will work things out for the best of those you love.

Just keep in mind, DO NOT THINK BACK and DO NOT FEEL REGRET FOR THE DECISIONS YOU MADE - marrying this guy and having a baby with him. There are too many things you cannot predict in life. You could only make decisions with the information at hand by then. It is NOT your fault and you did your best!

waves, you've explained to your boss about the blackouts/sickness (assuming that means work knows you're pregnant?), please consider taking the whole of tomorrow off.
Even if you only spend 10 mins at the GP and the rest lying in bed stewing over everything.

No-one would think you're stupid, you've already said one friend mentioned how awesome an impact he's had on you, so they've yet to see the 'North Korea' blaming, horrible side to him you have.
Besides anyone who'd tell you you're stupid for marrying him/giving you grief over it all, given your current situation/stresses, would be acting very knobbish.

You're strong, talented, intelligent and determined to do anything for you/your DC's. That makes you awesome!

You're right that telling people will make it real and also it will get you some much-needed support.

These near-blackouts sound very worrying. Please consider going sick and getting them investigated asap, e.g via a casualty walk-in. Even without the other shit you've got going on with this very cruel man, it sounds like you've got too much on your plate and your health tops all of it.

Might even get signed off I suppose which would sort out the work pressure issues

Just a small point, waves, but you can self-certify for the first 5 days. I'm glad you've got an appointment first thing.

Have you got room to stick your H in to sleep so you don't have to share a bed with him? I appreciate it could well be hard with his DCs staying over too. Perhaps he should have the sofa - after all, you can't possibly be expected to not have a proper bed in your condition...

And come straight out and ask to be signed off if you can. Cry if you have to and definitely tell the GP everything you're going through :(

Could you pack up all his stuff and dump it on his mum's doorstep since she is so willing to "help" ... (evil cow)..

I'd also print off a copy of his internet history and send it to his family and the ow.

But I'm mean like that.

Honestly I know you feel like everything is falling apart now but it will get better.

I promise.

Says she who has been left in the lurch by fuckwits twice and now happily married again in my 30s with a young ds. :) (and older dd!)

Signing off by self certifying to begin with has immediate effect, but not sure what your boss would think after he knows about the story. Fair enough, as women, we know how hard it is and fully understand it. But if your boss is a some sort of very "manish" boss, and he expects you as a strong career woman, it might weaken your image in his mind?

I know imagine is not something to be concerned but if you have to support your kids financially alone, career has to be something to take good care of , say: keep the door wide open for your next step?

Perhaps pull yourself up for one more day until you talk with your boss?

Agree with fairylea , throw that guy out of the house immediately. It's meaningless to think for him anymore. But you need to protect yourself, I.e. making the affair and what he's done know to others so that in the court you have your argument - for you and your baby.

Hi, no I'm not going to self certify for the career reasons, but seeing my gp tomorrow morning.

I can't just throw him out unfortunately as his sons are here half the week, so that would not be fair on them. Might be his mess to sort out, but I don't want to see any of the children suffer. I am thinking about sleeping arrangements. He will have to go on the sofa for the next few days.

He's started playing tricks, sent me a message at work asking what time I was teaching and how he'd do homework, tea, baths etc for my DCs to make things easier whilst I'm teaching. I asked him to focus his attentions on finding other accommodation. It would have helped as I have back to back lessons, but determined not to let him try to make me feel like I am dependent on him.

Hoping for an early night, I am exhausted.

Have you thought about contacting your stepsons' mum to see if they can live with her at the moment, or he comes to some other arrangement about seeing them elsewhere? I have a feeling that you two will have a lot in common and you'll find that some of what he's been telling you about her behaviour in the past was lies.

Waves It sounds like hes trying to back pedal or try and charm you, for the love of god, dont bloody fall for it.

waves I am so sorry that you are having to go through all this. You are amazingly strong, please feel free to post whenever you need reminding what an awful, awful man your H has turned out to be. Never, ever think that any of this was your fault.

You need to tell the GP everything that has been going on, and get signed off at least for a few days.

My recommendation would then be to go home, pack a bag for your H and drop it off for him at his mother's. Whilst dropping it off, you can also drop a note off explaining to her exactly why you have chosen to kick him out of the house, just so she knows the situation rather than just his version. And I second the idea of speaking or emailing his ex-wife to see if alternative arrangements can be made for visiting his DCs for the next couple of weeks. Presumably as he has already been making enquiries about alternative places to live, it won't take him long to get something sorted out where his DCs can visit him.

I would also make sure that, if possible, you get copies of every bit of financial information you can lay your hands on, in case you need it to prove his income and savings etc. Presumably you had to get all that information together when you were applying for your mortgage? It's amazing how little some Hs claim they earn when it comes to sorting out maintenance. And if you can get anything from his laptop history, I'd print that out too.

Please, please do not fall for his mind games. Writing down an action plan sounds an excellent idea (but I am a bit of a one for lists).

You are doing amazingly well, I hope you get the RL support to get through this.

You had the best justification there is for 'snooping'- a lying scumbag who had been acting and saying suspicious things and blaming you for everything.
He broke the vows, no escape from that however he want's to try and absolve himself.

Please plan well the financial side without sympathising him or feeling any "dependence".

You together made the decision to buy a house and to have a baby of your own. He is accountable for the consequence of these regardless if he wants to stay in the original plan.

On the other hand, also make sure be fair to your baby.

How awful and difficult for you. So sorry to hear what an idiot he has turned out to be. Sounds like you telling him to leave may have tipped that power balance though! This has all happened so very quickly for you. Take time for yourself to get your head around things, put your priorities first, and do what is right for you (and your DC's of course) whatever that is.

God what an arsehole!

Did he even have an excuse for telling his ex that he's single?

Arsehole is a good word. He is now saying he won't leave, categorically and that he has done nothing wrong. I have told him to take all his things out of our bedroom and find somewhere in the house to sleep. He has, at this stage, agreed to that.

My next step is to go to my GP to sort out the blackouts and vomiting. And to explain everything that is going on. Once that is done (as in I am physically a bit stronger) I'll be going to a lawyer to find out the best way to proceed.

I have a massive document to review for work, so planning on getting a bath once DS is in bed (hurry up 8pm) then doing that in bed, in the sanctuary of my own bedroom.

Grr waves, of course he'd say that. Which is why the advice of others on here about telling his mum (how is your relationship with her btw?) or at least telling her you know she's offered him money to set himself up and he will be needing to do so at the earliest opportunity could be a good idea.

Enjoy that sanctuary and get stuck into that document. If you're lucky it will send you off to sleep :)

You are strong.

Just keep in mind what he did and what he planned to do with you and your baby. Don't fall back into the emotional trap.

Aww, waves, you are being so amazing! Your DCs are so lucky to have you, even though you probably don't feel that way.

Please take the advice you're getting on here (maybe not the ones telling you to send copies of the browsing history to your in-laws, but yes to telling your MIL the extent of what has gone on.) I wish I had taken MN advice when my STBXH started saying he wasn't sure whether he wanted to move out or give our relationship a chance. I really believe that once they've got to that stage there is absolutely no point in living together and 'trying'. Tell them to move out and make up their mind.

I eventually did with mine when I realised he had searched for places to rent and told everybody how miserable he was when we were supposed to be 'trying'. I'll never forget the look on his face when we went to my car to drive to a Relate session only to find that someone had drawn a heart on my dirty car. I said: "Oh, that's a good sign, isn't it?" He just looked at me as if to say: "Kid yourself all you want". I still carried on 'trying'.

Fast forward to today. I since told him to move out when I realised that was what he wanted. He now regrets giving up on us (something he wouldn't have realised if he had stayed), but I have moved on and could never take him back.

I was so scared that if he moved out he would prefer it to living with me, as I knew I wasn't the best wife I could have been and I was sure he would have thought the grass was greener. I had bad PMT, and he was a good husband who did most of the housework/cooking and shared childcare 50/50. I thought he would think moving out was heaven! He didn't. But it's too late.

They never just fucking leave do they ?

they threaten to, then when they realise you are not begging them to stay, they decide they are staying put

what a predictable knob he is

waves you have had plenty of good advice here. I just want to say you sound like a strong, clever, intelligent and lovely woman. Your kids are lucky to have you and he is a useless waste of space.
I'm really impressed with how much progress you have made in the last few days and hope you get plenty of support in RL.

What about his unhappy children?

Why isn't he putting them first like he threatened