So DH said...

[wavesandsmiles]

He knew I wouldn't want to hear it, but he really regrets getting me pregnant. I am 14 weeks pregnant with our first child, which we actively tried for. We each have 2 children from previous relationships, and there are blended family issues causing tension at the moment. I've been getting quite ill with regualr blackouts and am still suffering morning sickness.

We are going to try to make things work, but I am gutted to the core. It is not something that was said in the heat of a row, just in a "let's have a chat about what is wrong" talk.

I feel really upset - he is even talking about separating, and that his mum has offered to lend him money to get a deposit on a rented flat. We bought our forever home in October, and no way can I afford to pay the mortgage myself. I feel lost. I appreciate he is entitled to his own feelings, and to express these, but it doesn't hurt any less that he (a) is contemplating abandoning his pregnant wife and (b) has said he regrets the baby.

If he wants to separate, which he has said will be the case if our plan to improve things doesn't work, I really have no idea what will happen. I know this is a lot of what ifs, but the fact he has said how much he regrets all this, and that in his head he is at the stage where he has spoken to his mum who has offered him money, suggests that his mind may be made up already.

I think I just need some hand holding. He is/was my best friend, my happy ever after, only now it doesn't feel so much like that.

waves, you deserve so much more. he us a bloody disgrace. get him out.

you sound really amazing and focused, so i want to remind you of that and to say keep going, keep going, we are here. xx

What a vile specimen of a 'man'. To plan and create a child then see it as a disposable inconvenience to getting his leg over someone new is just beyond words. I can't imagine what you're going through right now as he's done this when you're most vulnerable.

He is an arsehole. This is in no way your fault and his mother should be ashamed of him and herself for enabling his behaviour. Sounds like he needs to grow up, stop playing at daddy until it all gets abit too real then moves onto the next.

You're really worth more than him and deserve much better. Focus on your health and your kids.

No please don't give me the kudos for that post, really I have seen it on other threads before now and I just wanted to share it for waves.

Hope the meeting goes well btw waves and you get to see the GP later.

The "crime" of invading his privacy is nothing compared to what he has done, and he knows it. North Korea?! Arsehole.

Stick to what you know and dont allow him to derail you with this crap. My H (not D at all) did this when I was pregnant with our planned baby. He had a sexting affair with his ex, tried to meet her for sex and implied that he was single. She didnt meet him, I think to her it was just a bit of fun, but her DH was very close to finding out. I didnt find out until the baby was 5 weeks old, and didnt leave. I wish I had.

He was desperate to not split up, genuinely desperate. Went to counselling, bent over backwards etc, but its broken :(

I sent him an email at work, setting out how upset I am. This was his final words in reply:

In summary, I apologise that you were upset about what you had found when you went snooping through my things, but I don?t think you had any just reason to go looking anyway.

Dickhead. Tosser. What a total scumbag. Raging now! He is making out like it is all my fault isn't he.

Stop engaging with him now. You are simply going to hand him more opportunities to upset you

Disengage.

I've just read through your thread, waves. Of course it's you that is in the wrong because, if it weren't, then he would be in the wrong and that couldn't possibly be the case. Your "snooping" only confirms to him that his behaviour is completely justified - this man isn't capable of shame or embarrassment.

I'm so sorry that you are in such a grim situation, I can't imagine what goes through these men's heads (sadly you aren't alone ) that they are happy to walk away from loving relationships and a planned pregnancies but obviously their needs are more important than their families'. It's such a pattern, I'd almost say don't take it personally. Get some time off work and plan for a future without him (your lodger idea is a great one btw). Stay strong.

Bogey that's

It's a really good thing that you've found out what's behind this because it has short-circuited all that wishing, hoping and appeasing in an effort to change his mind

Charbon is right. My friend went through months and months of self-doubt, paranoia, mental anguish etc as her cheating husband tried to make out she was imagining everything, prior to her discovery of his affair.

At least you have the full picture now.

At the moment, you are in shock. It will take time for this to sink in and the realisation to hit.

Your priority should be:

(a) the GP/midwife appointment to get to the bottom of the blackouts
(b) a free half hour consultation with a solicitor to find out your legal position, specifically with regards to getting him out of the house asap whilst protecting your assets

Do you have a friend in real life who you can tell?

Bloody hell. So he thinks that you being worried and upset about the whole situation, leading you to look on his laptop and phone is WORSE than the porn, telling his ex he's single, arranging his soon-to-be-single life with his mum behind your back - oh and googling late abortions for a child you and he both wanted a few months back?

I have no words :(

And this is why I would advise people to snoop, if they have good reason to.

Knowledge is power. Imagine trying and trying to be everything this man wanted you to be, and then finding out later he was never going to acknowledge your effort. How soul destroying that would be...

My god, there are some gits out there!

We do live in a 'throw away' society. Everything is easy to do and then discard, from takeaway food to items that we don't get fixed anymore when they have broken. We just throw em away and get new ones.

But to discard a loving wife and much wanted baby is vile, cruel and inexcusable.

Do you all live together then with 4 children between you or do his children live with their mum? How the hell will he explain it to them? No consideration to even try and work out what he felt was wrong in the relationship.

Get rid. Quickly. At least you have your job/career and hopefully won't need to get money off this cockroach.

I'm not going to engage any further. I have told him needs to move out as soon as possible for the welfare of all the children, and for my health. I have told him he is still going to have to pay his half of the mortgage, but I am prepared to take in lodgers in order to meet that.

I am teaching this evening, then will put my DCs to bed, and stay up with them for the night. He wants to discuss things this evening. Not a chance.

I have texted a friend, who just last weekend was raving about what an amazing influence he has been in my life, and that she has not seen me so settled before. What a total idiot I will look. But I think it is easier to plough on if RL people know. It's like announcing you are going to quit something, like smoking. Once you tell people there is that extra obligation on you. I have texted my mum as well - she is back this weekend so not long to wait til I can see her.

I have let my boss know about the blackouts etc, so hopefully that will mean I get a marginally easier time of it at work. I am going to see the GP and then try to book a couple of days holiday for next week so I can get some legal advice etc. I can't do everything at once, especially as I am feeling pretty poorly. So, I think later I will just try to write out an action plan for the next week.

Sounds like a good plan. First and foremost, take care of yourself x

Engage with him I mean! I think I am going to need lots of support here.

Yes, he will have a lot of difficult explaining to do - his DCs are with us 3 nights a week, and all the time over the weekend. They legally live with their mum though.

I am going to ask my mum if she will help with childcare when I go back to work. We already have a nursery place reserved, but I won't be able to afford that by myself. I won't be able to take much unpaid ML, but at least I will be earning! With lodgers, work and the part time tuition I do, I am sure I will keep our heads above water, just not sure if there will be enough hours in the day. Or energy in me. I don't want to think about that all now - it is overwhelming

waves, while I think it is brilliant that you are getting plans in place and working out how you can cope financially, your husband should be contributing too. He sounds a complete bastard but he does seem to have supported the children from his first marriage and I think you should factor in some money from him too rather than run yourself into the ground trying to cover everything solo.

That's really refreshing to read, waves. You have done so much in such a short space of time and made some really important steps - lining up some real life support, thinking about childcare options, talking to your boss, making a GP appointment and starting to think about the legal aspect of the split.

As you say, it will be overwhelming so you can only take it one day at a time, be kind to yourself and don't be afraid to ask for help, either on here or in real life.

Agree with lala. Whilst it's tempting to say screw him and cut him out of your life completely, he really needs to pay for the child he helped create.

Hope the bastard is financially squeezed.

Oh dear, I am really sorry for you. This is not a marriage, and he is disrespecting you and your body and new life inside you. I think you should join or call a women's group for some support and camraderie during pregnancy. I think you should get rid of this man. He sounds completely unstable and is just staggering from one thing to the next without a care for anyone. How old are your kids?

You sound so strong waves. Brilliant.

How have you felt today (sickness/blackouts)?

Ill today - sick 5 times now, and had to sit down during my walk to work because I got the pre-blackout weird head thing. Excused myself early from work meeting and just made it to the staff room when I passed out. No appointments today, so hoping to see my GP tomorrow - planning on booking a half day, so long as I don't have a meeting slotted in at work!

I don't feel very strong. I feel I am doing the right thing, but I also feel so embarrassed that I am going to have to tell my family and friends about all this. They will think I am stupid for marrying someone who is like this

Can you please just take tomorrow off sick and then see the GP? Sod the meetings/appointments - you really need to rest (even if you can't sleep because of all this going on).

They will all think he's the stupid one for throwing away a marriage with a wonderful woman. You are gorgeous. He is a twat.

Am sure that anyone that knows, cares and loves you will think no such thing. Only desperately anxious to help you through it. Anyone else, really does not matter.

Please ring the surgery again and explain the pregnancy and blackouts. Am sure they could at the very least get you a phone appointment.

waves please please stay positive for your and your children's future. Please please don't think it is the end of hope or anything like that. THERE IS A WAY, THERE IS ALWAYS A WAY.

I am not sure I read through all the posts, but from the point when you discovered those text messages and the browsing history, it became clear that this person doesn't worth it. Relationship is complicated. To lose passion in a relationship is one thing, but to elaborate leaving his pregnant wife and his unborn baby which he was expecting to have just a few months ago is the other thing. This man isn't worth your love and your efforts to share a future. You deserve someone better.

There's always a way out and a way to restart. Easy or hard, there must be a way.

From now on, you need to focus on the future for you and your children. Do not look back. Stop analyzing why this why that, as it's NOT helpful. You need to focus all your energy and your time to find the best path for good.

Things will get better, they will. You just need to move on and work hard for yourself and those who you love - your DD, DS and the little baby.

Time will heal, you know it and we all know it. And control those you can control.

• sorry, I can't think of any more practical suggestions than what had been mentioned by others. I can only tell you that you need to believe yourself and need to believe that there's a future to work on and days will get brighter one day again. Hold your hands tight. Remember that we are around you to support. Anytime you need comfort and support.

I have let my boss know about the blackouts etc, so hopefully that will mean I get a marginally easier time of it at work

I don't like the sound of this, reading back through your post. You've told your boss you're passing out regularly and the outcome was that you get a lighter workload? What was her/his reaction? I would have insisted you go straight home and don't return until you have been given the all-clear by a GP.