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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So DH said...

963 replies

wavesandsmiles · 28/01/2013 14:18

He knew I wouldn't want to hear it, but he really regrets getting me pregnant. I am 14 weeks pregnant with our first child, which we actively tried for. We each have 2 children from previous relationships, and there are blended family issues causing tension at the moment. I've been getting quite ill with regualr blackouts and am still suffering morning sickness.

We are going to try to make things work, but I am gutted to the core. It is not something that was said in the heat of a row, just in a "let's have a chat about what is wrong" talk.

I feel really upset - he is even talking about separating, and that his mum has offered to lend him money to get a deposit on a rented flat. We bought our forever home in October, and no way can I afford to pay the mortgage myself. I feel lost. I appreciate he is entitled to his own feelings, and to express these, but it doesn't hurt any less that he (a) is contemplating abandoning his pregnant wife and (b) has said he regrets the baby.

If he wants to separate, which he has said will be the case if our plan to improve things doesn't work, I really have no idea what will happen. I know this is a lot of what ifs, but the fact he has said how much he regrets all this, and that in his head he is at the stage where he has spoken to his mum who has offered him money, suggests that his mind may be made up already.

I think I just need some hand holding. He is/was my best friend, my happy ever after, only now it doesn't feel so much like that.

OP posts:
Xales · 18/02/2013 13:54

A level 7 abusive bastard is still an abusive bastard.

Just 3 sizes lower level abusive bastard than a level 10 abusive bastard.

No abusive bastard is acceptable.

badinage · 18/02/2013 13:55

Yes but your psychotherapist should have known what abuse looked like.

I think you need to speak to the police.

Meanwhile, tell the consultant what's been going on and talk facts, not your interpretation of them. Anyone outside of this would see that you and your children are at risk.

Thumbwitch · 18/02/2013 13:55

No he wasn't "nice". He was trying to suck you back in. Please please please realise this.

And TELL your healthcare team about your situation - they need to be able to monitor your baby's health too, so they need to know about your stress levels (which, as has already been suggested, could be contributing to your hyperemesis symptoms)

Bogeyface · 18/02/2013 13:57

Thinking about it, when I had bad MS, I used to throw up if ever I got an adrenalin rush (not good if you work in high pressure sales!), so it could well be contributing.

Thumbwitch · 18/02/2013 14:05

I used to throw up whenever I had a bad adrenaline rush without being pg, Bogey. Very sensitive to adrenaline, me.

MarinaIvy · 18/02/2013 14:06

Absolutely agree that:

  1. it's abuse, please believe it! Know it, internalise it, act on it.
  1. keep the twunt away from you in the hospital.
  1. your DCs are brilliant!

Have PMed you with a couple of other thoughts.

captainmummy · 18/02/2013 14:31

Of course he was nice. He thinks you are back where you should be - ie doing as you are told.

Either that or he is sugaring - does he know you have been seeing a solicitor? He may well know that he is on very shaky ground re the house and any money he might get from it.

Nice how, exactly? Has he agreed that you are, in fact, ill?

Or agreed to keep his dc away from you when you are ill?

Or cut down on the drinking?
or apologised for calling you :
an ungrateful bitch
a class 1 arsehole
??
Or accepted that you are in a partnership and not a parent-child relationship (young lady - argh that would have made me stabby!)

plinkyplonks · 18/02/2013 14:33

What Xales said

Midwife99 · 18/02/2013 14:56

Grrrrr twuntdom of the highest order - "young lady"!!

Jux · 18/02/2013 14:56

also nice, as you were going to be out of his control for a while, and amongst people to whom you might say something. Because, of course, the crap stuff he's been doing doesn't count as today is another day, and it would be thoroughly unreasonable of you to bring it up, especially as it was all your fault to start with.

Tosser. My contempt for him knows no bounds, or depths or whatever.

Original poster
wavesandsmiles · 18/02/2013 16:28

No he hasn't apologised for anything, just been nice, as in asking how I am and saying goodbye nicely this morning. So, kind of what would be normal I guess.

It's very busy at hospital, but just got started on my IV fluids. I need a good snooze, am quite shattered!

OP posts:
Jux · 18/02/2013 16:35

Have a good sleep, waves. Gird your loins and talk to someone while you're there.

Good luck.

BinarySolo · 18/02/2013 16:38

Oh waves, a respite from his normal vileness doesn't equal nice. Nice would be taking you to the hospital, looking after you and apologising for his awful behaviour. In fact, even those things would just be normal for most couples.

I think you have a rather skewed sence of acceptable behaviour due to your past experiences. He is being abusive.

I'm still impressed with your strength of character and dignity. Great news that the solicitor's on the case about getting him out. Keep going waves, I think it will get better soon.

GaryBuseysTeeth · 18/02/2013 17:05

Have a good sleep waves.

Your DC sound amazing...wonder where they got that from Wink

Second what Bogey said, aside from sleep, use your DH-less time in hospital to talk to MW/Womans Aid & let them know what's going on.
The sooner you mention it to MW, the sooner they can arrange things (like him being banned from the birth etc)....I think you're under whatever the Mental Health MW is over there?
Over here the MH MW is the same one that deals with people in delicate situations so hopefully he won't know what's going on.

Hope this is your last hospital admission until birth time Thanks

JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 18/02/2013 18:36

waves please speak to the care team and explain the situation. Let them help you.

Can you sort out your banking online so that he cant do anything drastic? Empty the account or worse?

You need to be safe and well in the hospital. Dont leave until you have meds to keep you well from the hospital pharmacy.

He wasnt being nice today. Being nice would be taking you to hospital, making sure you had your medication previously - going above and beyond to make sure you are happy and comfortable. Not saying or doing all the things he has done.

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 18/02/2013 18:45

So hes being nice, anyone would think hes seen what was written on this board and now knows that you dont need to hit someone to be a abusive.

badinage · 18/02/2013 18:46

Yes the care team need to be told what's going on. I can't see any possible benefit to keeping them in the dark. To be honest, seeing as you got referred so urgently to a psych, I can't understand why they aren't intervening more proactively already. You have asked for STI screening haven't you?

SilverClementine · 18/02/2013 20:19

Hi Waves, I've only just found this thread and have read it start to finish.

I just wanted to say that I am incredibly impressed by your resolve, you are a credit to your DC.

He, on the other hand, is a absolute cunt. You're doing very well to see you need shot of him.

And finally, as everyone has said before me, HE IS ABUSING YOU.

Keep going love, it may not feel like it at times but you're doing so well Xx

Stepmooster · 18/02/2013 20:51

Hi Waves I hope you are feeling better? I know what you mean about not knowing if it's abuse or not. That I am afraid is the consequence of growing up in an emotionally abusive home life. Being told you're fat, pathetic, cry baby for daring to want your mother's love becomes your only sense of normal. Desperate as a child then an adult to work out what YOU did wrong when all along they are playing you for the attention and affection you give them.

If you get chance at some point check out a website called daughtersofnarcissistic mothers. I was a scape goat child and i think you were too.

You are being abused. How is this creep with your kids? You say he is strict with them and that his own kids can do what they like.
That is typical scapegoat/golden child behaviour.

Please talk to a decent counsellor when this whole sorry saga is over and try and make sense of everything. I can tell you that once you do your mind will be free from all those, what did I do wrong? They hate me and its my fault and if only I was more like this... Thoughts.

In the meantime, great news you have your solicitor on the case. Just got to tell the doctors next, you gotta do it sweetie the abuse is making your sickness worse.

GOOD LUCK I KNOW ITS TOUGH YOU ARE SO BRAVE XXX

whosthis · 18/02/2013 21:31

Read what you had.written yesterday, waves! About how he handled his own son and how you saw his real temper.

Thumbwitch · 18/02/2013 22:58

Waves - as an aside, this thread has less than 80 posts left on it, so if you wanted to continue receiving support and help, can I suggest you make a new thread and let us know when you have. And I'd consider putting it elsewhere, somewhere that's not searchable :), and then NOT linking it back here.

Whitewineformeplease · 19/02/2013 04:22

Hi waves, just wanted to add my support, so sorry for all you're going through. Keep posting, you are doing so well, I can't imagine how hard it is for you. Your children sound lovely, by the way, a credit to you!

Undertone · 19/02/2013 10:08

Morning Waves. Hope it's sunny where you are and it might be lifting your spirits a bit.

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 19/02/2013 10:52

Hey Waves, hope those fluids are improving things, and you are feeling a bit better, and have managed to get some sleep.

I won't go on about your husband as we all know where we are with that one.

BUT....

Slowly, slowly, catchy monkey Wink

LiveItUp · 19/02/2013 11:01

Thinking of you Waves, and hoping you are feeling better today?

I too have been worried about this being nearly full, and not wanting to post too much and fill it and you losing your lifeline of support here. So please start a new thread when this is almost full so we can continue to hold your hand through this horrible time.

Hope you feel able to share some of this with your health care professionals. It is their job to support you - how can they do that without the full picture? If you're still not sure as to whether he is abusive or not, let them decide. And if you don't want to talk about it, just give them a link to this thread and let them decide. But do give them the information they need to do their job of caring for you and your precious little acrobat properly.

Take care. x