So DH said...

[wavesandsmiles]

He knew I wouldn't want to hear it, but he really regrets getting me pregnant. I am 14 weeks pregnant with our first child, which we actively tried for. We each have 2 children from previous relationships, and there are blended family issues causing tension at the moment. I've been getting quite ill with regualr blackouts and am still suffering morning sickness.

We are going to try to make things work, but I am gutted to the core. It is not something that was said in the heat of a row, just in a "let's have a chat about what is wrong" talk.

I feel really upset - he is even talking about separating, and that his mum has offered to lend him money to get a deposit on a rented flat. We bought our forever home in October, and no way can I afford to pay the mortgage myself. I feel lost. I appreciate he is entitled to his own feelings, and to express these, but it doesn't hurt any less that he (a) is contemplating abandoning his pregnant wife and (b) has said he regrets the baby.

If he wants to separate, which he has said will be the case if our plan to improve things doesn't work, I really have no idea what will happen. I know this is a lot of what ifs, but the fact he has said how much he regrets all this, and that in his head he is at the stage where he has spoken to his mum who has offered him money, suggests that his mind may be made up already.

I think I just need some hand holding. He is/was my best friend, my happy ever after, only now it doesn't feel so much like that.

Checking in too simply to let you know still here and sending huge amounts of positive thoughts your way, and holding those hands. x

Also here to say thinking of you, hope you got the book & are reading it. If all does work out with him at least you'll be able to identify controlling behaviour & how to respond to it.

Well, I'm about to email my lawyer about him moving back in and what he has said about not moving out. I know in my heart that if don't sort things out now, that I will spend the rest of my pregnancy feeling disappointed, and the same when the baby arrives.

My psychotherapist said that when you are pregnant, at the least you can expect your home to feel like a sanctuary, somewhere you can feel safe and nurtured. Home is not like that at the moment.

So, I'm going to dig out all the paperwork on the mortgage, and also see what the lawyer has to say about rights to the house since he is still here. Things won't get better just through me wishing them to, I need to make it all happen myself. Feels overwhelming at times, but I guess I have to get on with it. So, so sad though. I want my old husband back, and I know that really isn't going to happen because he never existed in the first place.

Oh, his latest thing is trying to get me to give up some of my work. He says it is because between us we don't need the money. Fills me with dread, he wants me to become more financially dependent on him I think. I'd love to believe it is because he is concerned for my health, and maybe that is what he is telling himself, but actually I think he wants me in a weaker position.

Thank goodness you are wise enough to see through his latest tack. Giving up your work would = giving up your financial independence, which would be such a bad thing at the moment for you.

I'm so pleased that you're getting in touch with your solicitor. I can understand that it must be so very, very hard at the moment, but long term, I can't really see you and your children having a happy life with him.

What your psychotherapist said is true, but it's true of children too, and will still be true of you when you've had your baby.

a relief to see what you have seen through his scheme. One way or the other, this man thinks he shall not lose so many things (financially ). So now he wants you to be a "good wife" and probably you are so weak that you would give in and accept whatever offer he puts on the table... Such a creature!

A very helpful thing you have a psychotherapist support you there. He/she could brush away the illusions and confusion whenever there are.

Please try not to clash with him before you have the energy to deal with though. Who previously suggested you nod amd nod, until the well prepared strike. But be careful with the legal side and understand well from your solicitor what you could do and what you'd better avoid.

Bless you,waves.

Waves I have just read your thread and really feel for you.

Re your last comment, can you also see that if you give up work and he pays all the mortgage, and stays a few more months or a year, he would be in a stronger legal position to lay a stake in the house.

Im afraid that I think he knows this.

I think he is very crafty and manipulative, and playing you all ends to suit his current thinking.

I very much doubt you know the full story about what he is up to or what he is thinking.

I also agree with others upthread that he likely picked you over the OW after his wife, and has now returned to her, because it has become convenient, and given a pregnancy means your focus was off his planet sized ego.

Please do get him out.

Just wanted to add my voice to all those that are saying, "No judgement here." And to send cuddles and comfort through the ether to someone who deserves a whole heap of goodness to come her way.

I think fiventhree has a point about the longer he is in your house and contributing to the mortgage, the stronger his claim is on the house. It may be that he has had legal advice too, and that is why he has returned. I'm sure that is part of what you will check out with your solicitor, though.

Waves, you might not feel it, but you are a strong woman acting with so much dignity. You are truly inspiration and should be so proud of how you're handling all this. I think when this is all sorted and you look back you'll see how amazing you've been.

It must feel overwhelming, but break things down into manageable tasks. One step at a time. You're doing so well and we're all cheering you on.

You sound incredibly aware & understanding what is really going on. Do not give up work - you need to maintain some independence & income for after you've dumped his ass!!

Can't believe I haven't chimed in before, but have to say, waves, you're brilliant. No judgment for the wavering, but must admit I'm glad you're back in the stronger mindset. Hope you're feeling better (sounds like you are [smiles]).

Very sad abrout your lack of IRL local support. PM for my phone number if you'd like to talk.

Re my earlier post, add to that that, if he gets what he wants, you would give up work and he would be paying the bills and could prove it.

Im really cautious about this stuff anyway, as when my h was cheating and manipulating last year, I consulted a solicitor re possible divorce, and I too had entered the relationship as a single parent and bringing a house and good salary, with nothing put in from him. I spent my spare cash on house too, which he didnt care to do, as he thinks house arent so important.

However, he would have gotten half, as I was told that it quickly becomes "historical".

waves glad you are in a more positive frame of mind and can see through his nonsense.

Please dont give anything else up for him.

I had a feeling he was gonna say something about work, Im glad your getting a more clinical mindset Waves

And dont be so hard on yourself, your a great mum, and so strong, even though you dont think, your strength gets you through each day.

Waves - it is a controlling thing and a huge red flag that he wants you to give up work. It's all to do with isolating you from others (family, friends, colleagues) - good for you that you've seen it.

And agree that he's twigged that if he moves out he loses his claim on the house equity - but if he stays, he has a stronger claim. I think you can safely assume that anything he says/does is in his interests,not yours.

How are you feeling?

Waves, hope you're OK and managing without the medication (and hope it's there for you tomorrow).

Well done for seeing through him and his nasty scheme. I had a feeling he would have consulted a solicitor, or at least someone who's been there themselves and gave him a heads up about the financial side. So, you need to move swiftly on that one, and indeed you are! What a woman you are, that you do this even while you are so ill. You are a force to be reckoned with, and I really hope he feels it fully when you are better.

Very proud to be talking to you here.

Oh dear Waves - he really is chancing his arm there, isn't he.
You are doing remarkably well considering you don't really feel up to par, but yes, you need to move as quickly as you are able to get him out of the house before the financial position of last year becomes "historical". I don't know how long that takes but the sooner you move him out, the better, I would say.

Of course you realise that he is trying to weaken your position by getting you to give up work, and I am so glad you've seen through that ploy.

But for your own sake, nod and smile (if you can bear to!) for now until you have everything in place, then hit him with it all at once.

"I'd love to believe its because he's concerned for my health"

But he has already shown by his actions that he is NOT. He has been VILE as far as your health is concerned.

"but actually I think he wants me in a weaker position" Yup. You're right. This is what he wants. He has been making a big effort actually to wear you right down. What an absolute bastard.

God, Waves, very well done for keeping on going. This is all so hard. Play cards close to your chest.

Wishing you all the best xx

waves, have you got your medication yet? Hope you are feeling better and calmer.

Yes, a man who was concerned about your health would have given you the bed without an argument, helped you obtain your meds, not told you in the hospital that you were being precious about your health and needed to accept that you weren't dying, made arrangements to keep his sons away or under control while you were upstairs struggling to keep conscious, and any number of other things.

Suggesting that you reduce your work is not even slightly about your health, dear waves. You know that.

Medication issues continue, pharmacy now saying there are manufacturer issues. Was banking on it arriving today but am sadly still in bed and getting my head around the fact I'll likely be back to hospital at some stage. Bit too much to cope with in all honesty.

My resolve remains though, even if there is little I can actually do right now. Have taken the nod and smile route for now as it seems sensible.

Oh waves, that's awful :( Have they given ou any idea of when it might turn up?

Do the hospital know you are unable to get your medicine from the chemist? I wonder if there's something they could do if it's unavailable through the chemist?

There seem to be a number of medications which are causing problems atm. I went to get dd's prescription cream a few weeks ago to be told that they hadn't got any and couldn't get any as there was none in the warehouse. The pharmacist then phoned all the chemists round about to see if they had any (they hadn't), then checked what was in the cream, suggested some alternatives and wrote them down for me, so I could phone the doctor to get a different prescription.

Can you ring round a few chemists and if you find one with your medication or able to get, could they send it to your local chemist for you?

Hope the medication problem solves soon. Do you think it is worth talking with the solicitor about what newly happened? Don't underestimate this guy...

How awful. A good idea from aufaniae to let the hospital know. They may be able to supply it themselves, or try something different.