So DH said...

[wavesandsmiles]

He knew I wouldn't want to hear it, but he really regrets getting me pregnant. I am 14 weeks pregnant with our first child, which we actively tried for. We each have 2 children from previous relationships, and there are blended family issues causing tension at the moment. I've been getting quite ill with regualr blackouts and am still suffering morning sickness.

We are going to try to make things work, but I am gutted to the core. It is not something that was said in the heat of a row, just in a "let's have a chat about what is wrong" talk.

I feel really upset - he is even talking about separating, and that his mum has offered to lend him money to get a deposit on a rented flat. We bought our forever home in October, and no way can I afford to pay the mortgage myself. I feel lost. I appreciate he is entitled to his own feelings, and to express these, but it doesn't hurt any less that he (a) is contemplating abandoning his pregnant wife and (b) has said he regrets the baby.

If he wants to separate, which he has said will be the case if our plan to improve things doesn't work, I really have no idea what will happen. I know this is a lot of what ifs, but the fact he has said how much he regrets all this, and that in his head he is at the stage where he has spoken to his mum who has offered him money, suggests that his mind may be made up already.

I think I just need some hand holding. He is/was my best friend, my happy ever after, only now it doesn't feel so much like that.

Beautiful woman, he is abusive. Believe it. Just because it is a different form of abuse doesn't mean it isn't abuse.

Make a list of all the things he's done, or at the least, the things you've mentioned onmthis thread, and tell the solicitor those. Then tell the police PPU. Then tell WA. Get them all working for you. Don't delay.

Can you keep anything down? even just something like flat ginger ale/lucozade/sugary fizzy drink would help with the headache and the ketones.

If you have any fizz in the house, just add water to it to flatten it (the bubbles make it more likely you'll throw it up again).

AND I agree with everyone else - just because he hasn't laid physical hands on you, doesn't mean he isn't an abuser - he really is.

Have you spoken to Women's Aid? If not, do so. They may also be able to advise on how to get rid of him, even though you haven't been touched, physically.

FWIW Women's Aid can be hard to get through to in the day, but if you leave a message they will get back to you.

I don't know if this will help - no doubt others will tell you to ignore, if it's only likely to make things worse. Also I didn't have HG.

When I was so ill I hadn't eaten for 5 days, couldn't keep anything down, but was starving hungry, I had Complan, made up with water. I would sip it slowly over the course of an hour or so, and then dh or dd would make up another one. It is, imo, loathsome stuff, but I had to have something.

I do hope you can get your meds sorted. Have you tried the hospital? Does your gp know?

You poor thing. This is the last thing you need. What you need is a massive hug, and someone to do everything for you, until you are well. Like many others, I wish I lived close by.

Have you tried your midwife? She's been recommended for all manner of things. There are health visitor, community nurses, all sorts. Your gp can prompt any of them into action.

Waves in addition to Women's Aid can I urge you to call the NCDV helpline or 101 which is the police non-emergency number, and ask to speak to their DV team. This really can't go on, for the sake of your health!

Is there no-one in RL who can take charge of this situation for you?

It makes sense to me that your ex was highly physically abusive. And the twunt knows that, right? So he got to be knight in shining armour?

Sweetie, your baseline is fucked up. "Better than an axe-wielding maniac" does not equal "not abusive", unfortunately. Between your ex and your awful family, you've been conditioned to accept a level of bad treatment that seems shocking to us, out here outside that bubble. You're so clearly a strong, wonderful person, but you've never, ever, had a decent model of love and respect to work with. When this is over, and you're free, and your pregnancy is over (or the HE under control, if you're lucky enough for that to happen before the end of the pregnancy), I am going to recommend that you enrol in a Freedom programme or see a counsellor, because you need to do some work on your own radar and your own signals. You're doing wonderfully, by the way - that's no criticism - but it's very hard to escape childhood patterns without outside help.

Was your Dad physically abusive to you or your Mum, by any chance?

He is very abusive and the fact that he says he can't be forced to leave as he hasn't hit you shows he's manipulative as well. He thinks he knows just how far he can push things. Raise this with your lawyer too. You are amazing Waves and your DC are lucky to have you

Waves honey I hope you feel better? I read ur whole thread and I want to tell you I have been through this twice before, my mother emotionally abused my father for years she was just like your twunt of a STBEX. My sister and I went through hell as well but my dad having been brought down by years of it stayed on and put up with some really hideous behaviour. In the end my sister and I convinced him to divorce my mother and I took him to a solicitor. Waves he was so broken he would have panic attacks talking to strangers, so in order for the solicitor to believe what I was saying, because he just sat there crying I secretly recorded my mothers abuse on my uni dictaphone. (You can use your phone), just stick it in your pocket on record. I was expecting the solicitor to begin divorce proceedings instead she told us my dad was being abused and that we had evidence and we could take my mum to civil court and arrange a restraining order. We also had her agree to move out of the home by certain date. I would tell your solicitor EVERYTHING, because if my father who was married to my mum for 25 years who shared a home jointly, no mortgage could get my mother a restraining order and her evicted you as a pregnant, sick, mother of two already are going to have no problems. You just need evidence and a strong will.

Second time after being brought up by an emotionally abusive mother I sort men who were the same. Oh honey my ex was Mr Perfect too when we first got together, and then suddenly you have no friends, no life and the controlling begins. I left him but he would not leave me alone, for months he just wouldn't leave me alone. Texts, phone calls even ringing up my boss and family. He just couldn't accept I left. I fell pregnant with my now DH baby and my DH who was patient soon made me go to the police. My ex used to threaten suicide if I didn't go back to him. I told the police everything, showed them the texts, emails etc. The police said because I had clearly told my to ex to leave me alone and he was still bothering me, ithey could arrest him and charge him with harrassment. Because I was pregnant they made it a priority to sort mu ex out. Ironically your baby is your strongest weapon against him, you are sick and will have plenty of medical proof, just find text messages you sent him asking to leave and ones where your twunt says he won't and I bet the police will have a nice chat with him.

You don't have to put up with it, and yes it is hard telling RL people because a lot just don't understand the crap people can do to you. Please seek advice and support from women's groups. Please please don't let this man in your life, when/if you go back in hospital please tell them you want him stopped from seeing you. In fact just tell them everything. The stress of it all is making you more sick. Think of your little ones they need you strong. PLEASE PLEASE tell your solicitor, once you do you will feel relief they know exactly what to do. Best wishes and good luck xxxx

waves are you able to tolerate ice lollies? They might not be such an assault on your stomach, and the fluids and sugar from them would be good for you.

Waves its early and I hope my post made sense. Grammar and punctuation all over the police. I forgot to add that the police told me what I had gone through living with my ex for 3 years was domestic abuse, even though he never hit me and it was all mind games. Even though we were no longer together in the same house they still classed it as domestic abuse.

I would also think about once your babba is born you don't want this jerk trying to call shots and control you via the babba. Think about what to do with your solicitor, maybe you can get a court order in place? Supervised contact? Certainly you don't have to ever see this man or let him in your home again. Xxx

THE PLACE!!! Lol (hugs again) xxx

Will be thinking of you today Waves

Re the HG & dehydration - try making ice cubes & bashing them in a food bag with a rolling pin to make ice chips. Crunch them all day. Loudly. This has the added benefit of driving twunts insane!

Hi waves, I'm still lurking with a hand to hold. I can't offer much advise but want you to know I care and am on your side. It seems there's lots of good advice here take care of yourself, hugs xx

Right, have emailed lawyer as she wasn't available, so have asked for the letter re statements of assets and the start of proceedings to go out, and also asked re him not moving out.

Have also phoned the ward, and I need to go back. Really not fun, but it is what I need. So I am going to get dressed, and get my bag packed again.

DCs were angels this morning, they got dressed, got their breakfast and brushed their teeth with no fuss before taking themselves to school. Even when I had a dizzy spell, they sat down with me to make sure I was ok.

Still trying to work out if the twunt is being abusive, my benchmarks are probably very distorted, but that goes back to being a child, and then living with exH and his super violent outbursts. Fwiw, I STILL minimise the axe incident along the lines of, he didn't actually want to chop me up, he wanted to chase me, and only actually hacked at furniture and walls.

Right, I need to get on, and back to hospital. Am pretty sure there is ice on the ward so will try the ice chips, and also flattened fizzy drinks.

I really, really appreciate ALL your advice and am sorry that I cannot namecheck you all - each one of you is helping me so much. It is hard to see the wood from the trees at times, but I am sure I will get through this.

Oh hun. Good luck. Will be thinking of you.

Fwiw, I STILL minimise the axe incident along the lines of, he didn't actually want to chop me up, he wanted to chase me, and only actually hacked at furniture and walls.

!

Good luck, waves. Stay strong - you are astonishingly strong! Tell everyone on the ward what is happening, what he is doing and saying. You need rl help with your situation, and they can help get people in place for when you leave hospital and return home; midwife, health visitor etc. at the very least those people can help you a bit at home. Midwives are pretty good at giving difficult husband's a piece of their mind too! In the nicest possible way, of course.

Waves, you are amazing. I have tears here for all the abuse you've had and are still having.

Great that you've contacted your solicitor and hospital.

Please ask the staff not to admit that abusive twunt. Somewhere should be peaceful for you.

Recording his verbal attacks is a good idea too.

Your children sound so beautiful. You must be very proud of them.

The sooner that fucker is out of all of your lives, the better.

"Still trying to work out if the twunt is being abusive, my benchmarks are probably very distorted, but that goes back to being a child, and then living with exH and his super violent outbursts. Fwiw, I STILL minimise the axe incident along the lines of, he didn't actually want to chop me up, he wanted to chase me, and only actually hacked at furniture and walls. "

STOP trying to work it out. LISTEN to everyone else who is telling you that he is abusive. Your benchmark is so far off it's out the door so your analytical skills on this point are, I'm sorry to say, distinctly lacking. Accept that others have a clearer view of his behaviour - just because he's better than your axe-wielding maniac of an ex, does NOT mean he's any good. There's no real difference between them, they're both out to harm you, just in different ways.

Just wishing you well, waves. I really hope the hospital is able to sort out your medications once and for all, and that the lawyer comes through with something concrete to help you get rid of your H.

Waves do please speak to the hospital staff about your situation. The NHS is well aware of the risk of emotional abuse during pregnancy. You will be supported, but you must ask for help.

It may be that the stress you are under is contributing to your condition.

When I saw the updates over the last few days, I was a bit baffled about why health professionals were being so laid back about all this. It seemed odd to leave such an acute case to the mercy of pharmacy ordering procedures and the psychotherapist who was available instantly, also didn't seem to realise the urgency or danger involved.

But I wonder Waves whether you are mis-describing what's going on to people outside. You could do a lot worse than print out this thread and get your care-givers to read it. You are not safe.

My psychotherapist didn't even know what Hyperemesis is. I should probably have got back to my consultant or the midwives as soon as there were problems with the order, but hoped it would all be ok once the medication arrived.

I'm now waiting on the ward but they are very busy so just sitting and twiddling my thumbs. Hoping the consultant will arrive soon and that they get me sorted. Have also had email back from lawyer so letter going out today and have been told there are ways he can be made to leave the house. Which makes me feel sort of better, apart from he was nice this morning. Argh.

Of course he was nice, he thinks he is winning.

Please use the time in hospital to ring womens aid, I am really worried how he will react when he gets the letters.