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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

So DH said...

963 replies

wavesandsmiles · 28/01/2013 14:18

He knew I wouldn't want to hear it, but he really regrets getting me pregnant. I am 14 weeks pregnant with our first child, which we actively tried for. We each have 2 children from previous relationships, and there are blended family issues causing tension at the moment. I've been getting quite ill with regualr blackouts and am still suffering morning sickness.

We are going to try to make things work, but I am gutted to the core. It is not something that was said in the heat of a row, just in a "let's have a chat about what is wrong" talk.

I feel really upset - he is even talking about separating, and that his mum has offered to lend him money to get a deposit on a rented flat. We bought our forever home in October, and no way can I afford to pay the mortgage myself. I feel lost. I appreciate he is entitled to his own feelings, and to express these, but it doesn't hurt any less that he (a) is contemplating abandoning his pregnant wife and (b) has said he regrets the baby.

If he wants to separate, which he has said will be the case if our plan to improve things doesn't work, I really have no idea what will happen. I know this is a lot of what ifs, but the fact he has said how much he regrets all this, and that in his head he is at the stage where he has spoken to his mum who has offered him money, suggests that his mind may be made up already.

I think I just need some hand holding. He is/was my best friend, my happy ever after, only now it doesn't feel so much like that.

OP posts:
JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 16/02/2013 17:20

waves can you contact the hospital and find out if they know anywhere that stocks your meds or if they can give you something else until yours are around?

Midwife99 · 16/02/2013 18:39

Smile & nod but do not waver waves - you know the truth about him now. Yes ring hospital & say you'll be back in if they can't give you some meds.

KiwiJude · 16/02/2013 23:09

Good on you waves, nod and smile is good strategy while you get things sorted and def play your cards close. It does sound like husband may have taken legal advice too. Is there an age difference between the two of you? Just asking as some of your situation sounds very similar to some aspects of my first marriage.

Be careful with your medication, is it possible for your Mum to get your scripts rather than husband? I don't think I'd like someone like that having anything to do with my meds (just saying...).

wavesandsmiles · 17/02/2013 17:48

Nodding and smiling isn't so easy when the twunt is being true to form. I really don't think he is ever going to go. I'll be speaking to my lawyer again in the morning about everything. Then it will be a phone call to the hospital about the lack of medication and ongoing sickness.

I have looked into my finances and we can just about manage if he goes. Once he is gone we can improve things financially by getting a lodger or two in, but he actually needs to leave first.

It's just wearing me down. I'm now getting even more worried as my day by day pregnancy book has highlighted that stress is v bad as increased levels of cortisone or something adversely effects the baby's development.

It all seems pretty black at the moment. He has started spouting that he can't be forced to leave as he hasn't hit me. Lawyer best placed to advise, but it is so expensive!

OP posts:
Undertone · 17/02/2013 18:21

You don't have to nod and smile. You can stare at him blankly until he gets fed up and leaves you alone.

Honestly what planet is he on? Has he conveniently forgotten his awful, protracted betrayal of you and his unborn child?

No matter what the solicitor costs, it will be worth it to know you are supported by the law and that there is a pathway laid out to a future without all this stress.

HE is making you stressed and raising your cortisol. HE is doing this to you.

Beating yourself up about cortisol will not make it better, or make this situation any easier to face. If you absolutely have to worry about it - do a Scarlet O'Hara and say "I will think about it tomorrow" and cut yourself some slack for today.

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 17/02/2013 18:28

theres always the "meh" shrug and ignore technique.

Midwife99 · 17/02/2013 19:23

Don't forget your child tax credits will increase & your council tax will decrease 25%. Your food & fuel bills will also decrease. He won't leave until he's made to, so start the legal process now with a view to divorce as soon as the 12 months are up. Will you qualify for legal aid?

whosthis · 17/02/2013 19:37

Have you seen women aid yet, waves?

BinarySolo · 17/02/2013 20:05

Urgh. I just can't believe how awfully he's treating you. He just has no human compassion at all. I'm so sorry you're going through this waves. Hopefully your solicitor will be helpful. Not sure, but could he be removed for emotional abuse? Saying he hasn't hit you really shows what sort of person he is. On the plus side, you see him for what he is and will be rid of him soon.

I am seriously looking forward to you posting to tell us he's gone. Fingers crossed it will be soon.

Jux · 17/02/2013 20:41

Good luck with solicitor tomorrow, waves.

If you call Women's Aid they too can advise you, support you, help you. I know they are happy to meet face to face in public places, like coffee bars. Worth a try, and you need lots of rl help atm.

wavesandsmiles · 17/02/2013 20:50

Still smarting from this morning from when he called me a dirty bitch, and that I liked to live in squalor. Because the tap in the unfinished bathroom had some toothpastey water mark on it, and I'd asked him not to vacuum around me as I had just been sick, was likely to be again and the sound and the smell of the shake n vac would make me feel worse.

I'm hiding out in bed at the moment, making the odd dash to the toilet to retch or vomit. I can't carry on much longer like this.

He was telling his own sons off earlier and was saying to them "you are really starting to fucking wind me up" and "will you fucking shut up now" I don't want a man like this round my DCS or round the new baby, who seems to be having a lovely evening somersaulting away (which is making me feel even sicker unfortunately) he didn't know I could hear, thought I was sleeping but I'm mumsnetting on my phone under my duvet Blush

This is why I have to call the lawyer before I speak to hospital again. He is a bad person and I need to not be in the same space as him at all.

OP posts:
wordyBird · 17/02/2013 21:13

He moved onto abuse pretty quickly, didn't he.

Yes, you need him out of your space.

In case it helps...
Women's Aid - 07781 133321 (Gsy CI)

Your police force defines domestic abuse as:

"Any incident of threatening behaviour, violence or abuse (psychological, physical, sexual, financial, verbal or emotional ) between partners .. who are, or who have been, intimate relationship, or between family members (aged 18 or over), regardless of gender and sexuality."

If you are experiencing domestic abuse... you can contact the PPU for advice: (01481 719419)"

I'm not including your location in the post, as the thread is searchable. Have put this in so you don't have to google if stuck on your phone..

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 17/02/2013 21:21

I would call that number, because hes been highly abusive, he doesnt need to hit you for it to be abuse.

Midwife99 · 17/02/2013 21:28

You are suffering from domestic abuse. Report him. He is also an unfit parent.

MarinaIvy · 17/02/2013 21:40

What, he's doing housework?!? Now that's a keeper!

Juuusssstt kidding, waves. Hope you're feeling better, and can't help but say SQUEAL! about baby moving! I realise you're in a lot of physical and emotional distress right now, but your sweet lil proto-DC is already raring to go. Try to look on the positive of that.

And best of luck tomorrow.

PS, I wonder if some of the medications issue has anything to do with the [latest] beef scandal. Aren't some of them are made with gelatine?...

wavesandsmiles · 17/02/2013 21:43

Not calling tonight, he is up and about. I'll phone tomorrow though. Along with the lawyer and the hospital Sad

I got ketostix to measure the ketone levels whilst I am in the thick of Hyperemesis and tonight they are right back to ++++ which is the highest measurement.

Doesn't feel like abuse, just like I'm living with a shit. ExH was very physically abusive to the extent that DS was assessed for going on the at risk register when he was a year old. But that involved me being shoved down the stairs and chased round the house with an axe. And I still stayed with him as I found out I was pg with DD whilst that was going on, and because of huge family pressure to make things work Sad

So it seems a long way from that, and anyway, I've sworn at the twunt in rows too. So I'm just as bad. Or, as he says, I'm worse. I just need to be away from him, and keep my DCs from him. I think he is twisting everything. Scared he will do the same if everything ends up contested in court.

Splitting headache which is likely caused by the stress of today, the dehydration and fact I have no food in me at all.

OP posts:
fruitpastille · 17/02/2013 21:43

De lurking to wish you strength to get this man out of your life.

Is there anyone in real life you could call? If someone i was only slightly friendly with called me and was in your situation i would do anything i could to help them.

wavesandsmiles · 17/02/2013 21:44

marina must confess I am very excited to feel the baby moving.

Flipping hope there isn't gelatine in the meds. I'm veggie but so desperate to get over the HG I hadn't thought to check the ingredients!

OP posts:
GregBishopsBottomBitch · 17/02/2013 21:49

Sweetie, its abusive, emotional and mental, hes kicking you while your down and trying his very hardest to keep you down, thats abuse.

Midwife99 · 17/02/2013 21:58

Please don't excuse away his abusive behaviour by thinking that because he's not pushing you down stairs he's just being a bit of a shit. The bottom line is he's treating you badly & you don't want him around your kids. If he uses the f word to his kids I dread to think what he says to yours when you're not around.

NotGoodNotBad · 17/02/2013 22:03

Did your family know about the axe? Who are these lunatic families that want their daughter/sister/cousin to stay with a maniac axe-wielder?

NotGoodNotBad · 17/02/2013 22:03

Meant to add ShockShockShock

MumVsKids · 17/02/2013 22:10

It's checking in waves to let you know I'm still whirling pompoms for you, and to say despite everything, you're doing great.

Hope the hg subsides soon xx

MarinaIvy · 17/02/2013 22:14

And I do agree with Gregs and others this is still abuse: emotional, mental and financial. They're saying it better than I can, which is why I'm pretty much limiting myself to general support and trying to joke.

I've read the whole thread, but I'm not sure If I got a handle on how long you'd been with ExH and how long in between, so I might he talking out of my own arse here, but I guess you really didn't have time to sort out your mind and heart after that previous nightmare before this sociopath came along. Don't feel badly for it, bad timing can happen to anybody, and in the meantime you're showing such an amazing spirit, I know that's going to win out in the end. You're brilliant, your DCs are wonderful and little Mr/Ms Olympics Floor Exercise 2028 is going to be fantastic.

KiwiJude · 17/02/2013 22:53

Good grief, what an arsehole. His treatment of you is abuse and the most dangerous thing is that you don't think it is, although admittedly being chased around the house with an axe is a fairly high benchmark.

Did your family know about the axe? Who are these lunatic families that want their daughter/sister/cousin to stay with a maniac axe-wielder? Exactly! It's a shame he's managed to isolate you from your friends, is there anyone you were close to that you feel you can contact now for support?

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