Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships:16

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Leclerc, not a stupid thing at all to wish for, I've wished similar - it's validating, for others to see it and not just us. But I think he'll be sneakier than that. Hope the book is useful - I found it a very enlightening read. A friend also just texted me to say that Oliver Sacks has written a book on love bombing, so I might look up that too.

Breathe - lovely to hear from you. Glad you've got somewhere else lined up. I can't wait to get a dog either - FW allergic, and I had to give away my 17-year-old cat in order to move in with him... Stay strong sweetie.

Nini - lovely to hear from you too - I'd guessed that things might be bad with you. Another vote for telling you sister - by email, by letter, however you feel comfortable. Re your house - if the penalty clause is the end of the year, count that back: you could sell it in September with a move-in date of end of the year. To sell it in September, you'd need to have in on the market by at least July, I'd think (start of the holidays). So, if you left now, you'd have 5 months to try and salvage things between you, or even just be separate for awhile for space. Anyway, just an idea. And def go for a free appointment with a solicitor.

And Silver: prrrrrraaaaaaaaaooooow!

I can see what you mean about needing to see FW blow his cover Leclerc
I am hoping for this in court... there were signs last time only small but they were there. You are making strides...

silver

nini hugs, sorry I've been in a bad place so haven't caught up but have been very concerned about you. xx

Good to see people checking in here and there. Always unnerving when someone goes quiet for awhile, I think.

H not going back to work this week, going to ask GP for another note. That'll be another couple weeks he'll be home. He's started counselling and did the whole "according to her I have anxiety and depression" although he says he told her he has been abusive to us. Apparently he expects me to herald this as a big step forward. Not sure why, as he's still shouting and swearing today. He claims it's anxiety over not being able to go back to work this week.

MrsM, what a FW he is! Mine would say similar. When he's on a trip, he'll go days with no communication (all my fault, of course, for being unreceptive or something), and then remember me and fire off a few instructions of things I should do or reminders of previous instructions. (When he - much more rarely - writes a chatty email, it's all about him and any attempt to empathise with me shows all too clearly that he just can't.) Anyway, the other day I sent a quick email in response to his, just asking for clarification of some instruction he'd given, I think. His reply: "Fine thanks, and how are you??!" FW.

Breathe - glad you've found a better place to replace the one you had to let go. Hoping that keeps you going through these tough times.

Nini - lovely to hear from you. I notice he's gone from being NSDH to FW... which I think is very healthy!! If you were to divorce (purely hypothetically), that debt you have would half belong to him, wouldn't it? Oh, and my doctor offered counselling on the NHS when I told him about EA. Not sure if that's free or just subsidised, though.

Matchsticks, glad you had a good night out. Wanted to point out (but not sure I should) that you are now 100,000 in binary. :o

My plan: I am seeing a woman from WA next week, mainly to talk about the dcs, but will also get list of recommended solicitors. I need to find out what I'm entitled to re house and money. I've decided not to work next year, and I'm considering staying in this house, although I have no idea how FW would react to my pushing for that. And I want to tell him it's over soon, because he's acting like everything's fine, or will be if I would just agree to live overseas... Have already mentioned in front of dd1 that I won't be working next year, although haven't had that conversation with FW yet. Oops!!

Mrsm - I'm the only worker in our house and nsdh actually had the gall to suggest by email that all the late nights and last minute rota changes were suspicious and was I having an affair?!? I was livid and wrote back a very uncharacteristic angry email which apparently "hurt him very much"

Pony - thanks for the encouragement. I did call wa back and spoke to a lovely lady who has given me some local no.s. Not phoned yet but I know I will. Hope the council get themselves sorted.

Just been wondering whether any of you still feel your h/xh loved you truly on your wedding day? When I look back I'm sure I saw genuine tears of emotion. It was 10yrs ago though. Now when he cries I think they are tears of self pity that things are starting to not go his way.

Stay safe and positive everyone.

Does anyone else feel a strange sense of guilty relief when they hear their H's behaviour is experienced by other people too? To explain, I'm glad I'm not imagining that this behaviour is abusive but sad that other people experience this bollocks too.

Mrs M absolutely we've all been gas lighted for years so it's a revelatory relief hearing similar tales even though we don't wish it on others!

Leclerc I wrote a long post in reply to you and it's disappeared! But essentially I was agreeing with you

Just marking my place. Will read the whole thread later. If you search my user name you should find a thread in AIBU which might explain why I'm here

tisileclerc I'm scared of H, I witter on about any shite especially when I see his "tells" like biting his lip or tapping his foot just in the hope that he won't kick off. He's never ever been violent but he shouts and I'm naturally very quietly spoken so I hate the shouting and I ask him to stop shouting and he says he's not but I just accede to whatever he's saying or asking because I'm scared.
I don't know why I'm scared though or what I'm scared of.

Could some of you please do me a massive favour and if you haven't seen it already look at my thread here and tell me if you think what he's doing is emotional abuse?

breathe MrsM I think it also a relief to realise that although it is sad that these things happen, people can be really strong in adverse times and there is life after a rubbish relationship...or at least that is what I am fervently hoping and it would seem from others on here, that there is:-)

Hi plus have read your thread.
Certainly he is a twat of the highest order, to treat your/his DD like that leaves such damage and the reinvention is of, course a form of gaslighting.

However, for it to be emotional abuse then there has to be a degree of coercive control. Emotional and psychological abuse has much the same intention as physical abuse and threats: to control and dominate. If you feel as though you, your feelings, your needs, your opinions are being devalued, are given no importance or credence, then chances are you are experiencing emotional abuse.

From your thread it is impossible to say whether this is an emotionally abusive incident (from which you and your DD escape bruised and battered but intact) or part of the pattern of an emotionally abusive relationship. For that you would probably have to look back at your relationship prior to splitting and the relationship he has with your DD.

Whether he is or isn't a twat of the same family as those you will read about on this thread...he is still a twat and you have dealt with him and your daughter admirably.

PS give your daughter a and a big pat on the back. I failed my 11 plus but went on to gain a professional degree, and higher qualifications, membership and so on. (didn't stop me marrying a twat unfortunately). Learning to work for what you want is one of the most valuable lessons in life...and you and she have given her that gift.

11Plus, hope your dd enjoyed her look round the school today.

fool's answered your question pretty thoroughly, with her usual wisdom. You don't say much about his usual behaviour on the thread, but the dismissive way he treats any update you give him about dd's schoolwork ("her ABC is fine") tells you you are wrong and he knows best - that certainly looks like a red flag. The fact that it's all about him is another.

Alice, hope you are doing ok. Not sure how you must be coping with his constant presence. My FW is a teacher, and so I dreaded holidays. Is it at all possible for you to go out with the kids for the day without him? You need a break from all this.

Charlotte, glad you're seeing someone from WA. It's all towards the light, isn't it.

Leclerc, how did it go this morning? Are you officially stopped working for him now?

11Plus - I agree with both fool and Charlotte. How is your DD now after the visit today (did you ex come too? Hope not!). Hope she's feeling better about her efforts, she really should be proud of herself, but I know that it has been tinged irretrievably by his comment. Eejit!

In other news, spoke to my lovely DSDs on the phone last night. Just chit-chatted about normal stuff, tried to stay away from anything FW-related. But DSD1 mentioned a couple of things (throwing me a line, she obviously wanted to talk about it I think) - on Sunday just past, FW didn't wake up until 2pm. The girls were being picked up at 2pm, so had been kicking about the house on their own all day until then, basically didn't see him at all on Sunday. I know they are 11 and 13 so perfectly capable, but still. And how much must he have drunk in order to be passed out like that for so long??? He aint getting my son for an overnight any time soon, he can kiss my ample butt.

Pony your poor DSDs - somehow, I thought they were older. They are still babies :(
Where Oh Where is the spaceship that will take all FWs and leave them in outer space?

Struggling a bit today. I know I shouldn't care what he does as even though we only split up a month ago and I do not want him back.

But I still miss him. why? why on earth do I miss someone who is not at all apologetic for repeatedly swearing at me and calling me names in front of the kids? or for all the time he took me for granted, told me what I thought and who slagged off my parenting and kept telling me that certain things were my 'job'.

I know that he is trying to get back out dating and a part of me is glad as it means it is less likely he will try to come back. (he was playing the I wish we hadn't split up but if only you were nicer to me and you have to admit although I played a part you have done x,y,z card. I stood my ground but it did make me question myself).

but a part of me is hacked off because he can easily move on with his life and I can't. I have the responsibilities of being a LP to think about and not bringing another person before into my family before it is safe and the practicalities of not being able to get out very much and then just the general chances of meeting someone not very high...I didn't do that well when I was ten years younger and had no kids...I know it is possible if unlikely but for him it is easy.

I don't want someone right now... i would just like to think that maybe, maybe someday I might have a normal relationship.

I'm not even sure I could relate to someone else in a normal way anymore.

so any success stories out there?

and I will miss sex
(everything else may have been dysfunctional some of the time but sex was really rather good)

arth - I know.

Leclerc - when I read that book the first time (about 3 years ago), I nodded my head off in the first few pages recognising all the things I did! I laughed out loud reading the description of the parent shouting 'Right! That's it!' and thereby losing all rational thinking from then on in - I was sooooooo guilty of that!!!
I still find it really hard not to say to DS1 'there's nothing to be scared of' but I'm trying! But I found the book just really useful for making me thinking about how I would feel if I were DS1 and in a particular situation, and how the things I was saying to him were making him feel.

minkembra - a month is still a really short amount of time, it's still raw and your emotions will still be all over the place. I was an absolute mess for months, confused - my FW was actively trying for us to get back together, so that additional head-spaghetti to deal with. And the frustration that he doesn't get it and in all likelihood never will, so will never acknowledge the hurt or the damage of how he's behaved, I still struggle with that, and I'm nearly 9 months out. Not sure I'd call myself a 'success story', but I am proud that I got myself and my kids out of an abusive situation, and despite many many wobbles got us into our own place and stayed out. We are now getting divorced, so the story continues. Sometimes I feel good, sometimes I don't. I still feel it's early days, and there are so many things going on under the surface to deal with.
You will meet someone else, someone normal, but you need to let yourself heal first. Are you getting any support for yourself, like counselling?

The meeting and look at the school went really well. I am examining my relationship with the ex and he does have a habit of belittling my opinions and engineering things so that he gets his way all the time, and re-writing history when he doesn't.

I am off to another meeting shortly but will sit down tonight and read the thread. Thank you all.