to think my ex is an absolute fucking bastard of the first order

(217 Posts)
11Plustrauma Sat 02-Feb-13 19:07:34

DD got her 11plus results today. She did really very well for her, put in a load of effort, and will get in to a grammar school. Just not the one he wants.

He said, in front of her, "Shit. I'm disappointed".

She has howled all day and it will take a great deal to pick her up again.

He is a bastard, yes or no?

[NOTE FROM MNHQ: Although we're sure it was meant as a joke, we have edited the thread title and OP to remove some beyond-the-pale violent imagery. Some subsequent posts making reference to the same imagery have also been deleted.]

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ohfunnyhoneyface Sat 02-Feb-13 19:10:13

That sucks- was she ok until he said that?

cozietoesie Sat 02-Feb-13 19:10:41

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11Plustrauma Sat 02-Feb-13 19:10:41

Fucker. Utter fucker. She was getting 20% in september, to have pulled up from that to what she got is amazing and she worked (and me with her) so so hard. He is a total and utter wankbadger fucknugget BASTARD.

brainonastick Sat 02-Feb-13 19:10:53

Yanbu. I hope he is thinking frantically about ways to make it up to her?

11Plustrauma Sat 02-Feb-13 19:12:46

She was OK - disappointed, but pleased enough that she'd go to her 2nd choice. Then he said "shit I'm disappointed" and started to talk about special circumstances and appeals. There ARE no special circs. There is not grounds to appeal. She just missed by 2 or 3 marks. So fucking what. The world hasn't stopped and the sun will still rise in the morning.

He is going in to see the head to "discuss her options". I have told him to rock on I'm not going with him. Fucker bastard cunt.

Have been being all restrained and happy all day and can only vent on here. BASTARDBASTARDCUNT

KenLeeeeeee Sat 02-Feb-13 19:13:25

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11Plustrauma Sat 02-Feb-13 19:13:54

FFS if she'd got 2% and tried her best I'd still say I was proud of her and she'd done well. And she really really really did try so so hard the hours of time and effort we put in were phenomenal. But he never bothered his fucking arse of course.

Cunt.

11Plustrauma Sat 02-Feb-13 19:15:04

I have never never never been so angry in all my fucking life. I seriously would struggle not to be physically violent to him if he was here right now. She has HOWLED and I mean HOWLED over this.

badtemperedaldbitch Sat 02-Feb-13 19:15:30

Don't worry about him, coach your dd to be immune go such comments. Say 'he may be disappointed but then it's not his life, is it sweetie? I'm incredibly proud of what you did and I know that you have worked hard '

Depending on your relationship you could even say ' I was so disappointed in him that we got divorced'

That way she knows the problem is him not her.

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11Plustrauma Sat 02-Feb-13 19:17:23

I am so so cross. She's not academically brilliant and she put in so so much work and effort and for him to piss on her chips like that is just disgusting. I have run out of swear words. She's eating ice cream and has had pizza and fruit shoots (sorry MN) and he can go and fuck himself. cunt. cunt . cunt

TaggieCampbellBlack Sat 02-Feb-13 19:17:45

Twat.

But bloody well done to her (and you!) for passing.

11Plustrauma Sat 02-Feb-13 19:18:47

He can't understand why I don't want to go to see the head and discuss her options. He should be glad because if I was in the same room as him I would fucking kill him. bastard. bastard. bastard. bastarsd.

11Plustrauma Sat 02-Feb-13 19:20:24

well he's not a fucking brain surgeon or a rocket scientist and so fucking what who fucking cares. normally we get on ok but omg on this he is so fucking blinkered. he wants DD and DS both to be fucking brainboxes and DD just isn't. not everyone is. so fuck. He told me I have no ambition for her. he can go fuck.

Aethelfleda Sat 02-Feb-13 19:20:55

You just build that girl up, OP. Tell her you love her, you're proud of her, and she did a bl

OkayHazel Sat 02-Feb-13 19:21:49

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11Plustrauma Sat 02-Feb-13 19:21:58

I have tried all day and it's so hard. my mum is so proud of her and even mum and dad's very elderly next door nieghbour came up with a well done card with a tenner in it for her. but that fucking bastard cunt never ever said well done. cunt bastard i fucking hate his fucking guts.

11Plustrauma Sat 02-Feb-13 19:22:31

Hazel = tell me what he's done and I'll do yours if you do mine? <joke>

gordyslovesheep Sat 02-Feb-13 19:23:19

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11Plustrauma Sat 02-Feb-13 19:24:17

she said "I've let you and daddy down I wish I had worked harder" and my heart just broke.

She's fucking 11. She's a baby. She didn't let me down. And he's a cunt.

OkayHazel Sat 02-Feb-13 19:24:19

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corlan Sat 02-Feb-13 19:24:35

He is a cocksucking son of a wankbadger. He sounds like one of those people that just want to suck the joy out of everything and make it all about him.

Congratulations to your DD.

11Plustrauma Sat 02-Feb-13 19:25:15

It would be a pleasure Hazel. The way I feel tonight he has no chance.

Hesterton Sat 02-Feb-13 19:25:30

He has no idea does he, how much your dad can influence your sense of self worth?

Mine did stuff like this. My DD is 25 and made v good, in her own time. NOW he's proud of her. Good... I bite my lip, he didn't mop up her tears when she wasn't good enough, he made her cry.

She knows.

She enjoys his approval in some ways now - who can blame her, he's her dad - but she knows, and she is takes him with a pinch of salt and doesn't trust him, because she knows if things start going wrong for her again he will be disappointed in her.

Your DD will be fine in the long run... because she has you.

Aethelfleda Sat 02-Feb-13 19:25:54

You just build that girl up, OP. Tell her you love her, you're proud of her, and she did a bloody good job and did her best. She is going to love her new school, you will support her all the way, and she should ignore Daddy's whingeing, all her hard work has paid off and that's great.

In years to come she will realise that he has unrealistic expectations of her and that you were unwaveringly supportive. Good luck.

She's howling crying now? I wwould video her or record the sound and send it to him. Tell him that HE did that to her. His 11 year old daughter.

11Plustrauma Sat 02-Feb-13 19:26:46

thank you all for understasnding. i'm so ANGRY i'm upset but not with her but with him. no matter what he thought or how he felt IT WASN'T ABOUT HIM TODAY IT WAS ABOUT HER. But he's so far up his own arsehole he can't see that. Cunty wanking bastard knob fucker shithead.

cocolepew Sat 02-Feb-13 19:27:47

What a dick

Well done to your DD smile

11Plustrauma Sat 02-Feb-13 19:27:59

she's stopped now but oh god she howled it was awful. i have let her eat a pile of rubbish she had strawberry laces for breakfast and a kfc for lunch and pizza and ice cream and fruit shoots for tea and i don't even know if she has cleaned her teeth today.

blush

Euphemia Sat 02-Feb-13 19:29:42

Poor lass. sad

What a cocksucker. sad

11Plustrauma Sat 02-Feb-13 19:31:47

Going to sit with them and watch a movie but I will be back.

Granitetopping Sat 02-Feb-13 19:34:04

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redwellybluewelly Sat 02-Feb-13 19:36:35

Basterd.
Utter shit.

I teach at a university, we see increasing numbers of students who cannot thibk outside rhe box and are so so focused on the "right" answer to get the "right" grade they don't get what research is about. Alongside them are the srudents who are downright miserable, which have gone to uni as thata what you have to do but would be a million times happier on an apprenticeship or just doing something they truly enjoyed.

Academia is not for everyone, and intelligence and cleverness and happiness should not be measured by exam success. Your daughter will find herself and have faith in herself once she realises she wants to do things for her own self worth not boosting up the worth of your wankbadger ex.

Give her some more strawberry laces from me.

angelinterceptor Sat 02-Feb-13 19:38:23

Disgusting! My DN got her results today and got a great result and we are all proud as it means she has lots of options for schools.
A friends daughter also got results, she has been coached to the hilt and when I asked how did she do - the reply was that we are disappointed she didn't do as well as expected. ( but she still has done well enough to get in apparently) so what's the big deal about being disappointed.

Well done to you DD

11Plustrauma Sat 02-Feb-13 19:38:29

She will be fine. It will be fine. She will go to whatever school she goes to and be whatever she wants to be. But he is a cunt.

11Plustrauma Sat 02-Feb-13 19:41:26

We live in an area with 2 grammars to choose from. Both equally good in my opinion and when we looked around them, I preferred the one she will probably go to with the mark she got. He prefers the other one. That's all. It's still a grammar and it doesn't matter a toot anyway. She's healthy. She's (usually) happy. WTF else matters?

MissBetseyTrotwood Sat 02-Feb-13 19:54:27

Well done your DD. smile

Next Father's Day send him a card. Just write 'I'm disappointed' inside.

Euphemia Sat 02-Feb-13 19:54:29

I'm glad of two things:

(1) DD's dad is not a cunt;
(2) No grammar schools here. What horrendous pressure young people are put under. sad

Your DD will be fine, but her dad will still be a cunt. What's their relationship usually like?

magimedi Sat 02-Feb-13 19:56:01

LTB!

And well done to your daughter. What a star.

11Plustrauma Sat 02-Feb-13 19:56:04

He texted me me "need you to contact <name of head> on Monday to organise meeting"

I replied "what for"

he said "to discuss her options and what to put on her form. I feel this needs clarified?"

I said "I don't see the need I have spoken to <name of head> a number of times through the year and am happy that I understand the options, and as far I am concerned the schools on the form will be x, y, z?"

He replied "I still feel a meeting with <name of head> would be useful"

To which I have replied "if you feel you need a meeting with <name of head> then you are perfectly free to organise one for yourself"

No way am I going to sit in on that meeting. What the fuck for?

magimedi Sat 02-Feb-13 19:57:56

Sorry - I've just read that he is your 'ex' so my LTB was superluous.

Blame it on the Saturday wine

And let the wankbadger organise his own meeting. How dare he tell you to do so!

magimedi Sat 02-Feb-13 19:58:38

superFluous - sorry!

McNewPants2013 Sat 02-Feb-13 19:59:10

Awwww I feel sorry for your Dd, what a twat of a father.

Congratulations to your Dd putting in all that effort, I have alway said as long as my DC try thier best the results are not important. There is always another route to take.

Ashoething Sat 02-Feb-13 19:59:25

I presume your "non-academic" 11 year old dd must have been coached to the hilt to even get the results she did? what horrible pressure for a wee kidsad

cozietoesie Sat 02-Feb-13 20:01:15

I'd be just a bit careful, 11PLus and make sure the school know how pleased you are with your DD's results. Otherwise - might he be the sort to go to a meeting and say 'Oh - and 11PLus is fully in agreement with me on this....' etc?

TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub Sat 02-Feb-13 20:01:40

What a cock.

Love BetseyTrotwood's idea.

Punkatheart Sat 02-Feb-13 20:01:44

Tell her from me that she has done really well.

Tell him....well, maybe that's unprintable.

My ex just told me that a seriously depressed teenager (his deserted daughter) needs to 'move on with her life.' So I hear you and raise you one more true bastard.

Your DD with be OK - she has you, my love!

11Plustrauma Sat 02-Feb-13 20:02:05

Ashoe - no not coached to the hilt in terms of private tutoring, no. Helped by me, yes, but not privately coached.

11Plustrauma Sat 02-Feb-13 20:03:45

That's a good point about making sure the school know how I feel.

11Plustrauma Sat 02-Feb-13 20:04:17

Punkatheart - that's fucking disgraceful. He's a bastard.

EuroShagmore Sat 02-Feb-13 20:06:17

He's a twat.

Which of the two schools did she prefer, btw? We've seen a lot about his preference, a mention of your own, but what did she want? I certainly got to choose my school when I passed the 11+. I went for the one that appeared to be less academic but when league tables first came out, it trounced the nearby latin-teaching, mortar-board wearing traditional grammar that had seemed like it would be the most high achieving school. I went where I felt most comfortable (and my parents were happy to support that choice), and that is very important and she will spend more time there than at home over the next 7 years!

pointythings Sat 02-Feb-13 20:08:30

If she got into a grammar with just support from you and practice, then she isn't 'not academic'. She's bright enough to get into grammar school and has a good work ethic, that's what she is.

I hope there's a special place in Hell for parents who do this stuff to their DC.

Smartiepants79 Sat 02-Feb-13 20:09:13

If your daughter has passed the 11+ then she is a bright little girl! Only about the top 25% of kids are clever enough to gain a place at any grammar school. Well done her.
Does he even know what he's done or how damaging his comments are?

DesperatelySeekingSedatives Sat 02-Feb-13 20:10:18

YANBU what an utter waste of oxygen angry ignorant selfcentred thickheaded cunt.

Your daughter has worked immensely hard and that alone is commendable. tell her daddy has concussion from his tiny pea brain rattling around in his skull so much and he doesnt mean to be such a totally insensitive moron.

11Plustrauma Sat 02-Feb-13 20:10:59

Pointythings - that's how I feel. If she can't get in on her own (with a wee bit of help) and has to be coached to fuck, then there's no point she'd be miserable when she got there and she'd never cope. She only prefers the one he likes because he has harped and harped on about it so much.

MrsYamada Sat 02-Feb-13 20:11:06

Well done to your DD, and you for all the work you did with her.

Your ex is awful sad.

CaptChaos Sat 02-Feb-13 20:11:39

Your ex is a chopper of the highest order. No wonder you got rid.

Congratulations to your DD, what a bobby dazzler! She is incredibly lucky to have you and your unconditional support.

Tell him to go and fuck himself, from me!

TarkaTheOtter Sat 02-Feb-13 20:12:21

It's a shame her dad's a cunt but it sounds like she's got a lovely mum.

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter Sat 02-Feb-13 20:13:34

Well done both of you.

11Plustrauma Sat 02-Feb-13 20:15:16

Thank you all so much. I luffs you all <sniff>. He just doesn't "get" it and he won't understand that what he said might be damaging to her self esteem as far as he's concerned that's "woo" stuff. I am incredibly massively proud of her.

<waves at friend who has texted me, and won't post here because what she would post would be "too vitriolic"> Too vitriolic for MN shock grin

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter Sat 02-Feb-13 20:15:44

Oops posted too soon! As for him! Arsehole, how dare he say he's disappointed. Take away from the fact she's worked bloody hard & clearly very bright if she's done her best then how dare he say he's disappointed.

Unfortunately we all want parental approval, at least she'll always get the love/ support / encouragement and approval from one side x

11Plustrauma Sat 02-Feb-13 20:17:22

It doesn't change how much I love her or what I feel for her just because of an exam. And it honestly wouldn't matter if she got 5% or 55% or 105% because I know she did her best, and no one can do any more than that.

Skyebluesapphire Sat 02-Feb-13 20:21:58

My dad did this to me, when I passed 5/8 GCSE's. i was thrilled at what I thought to be a good result. He said, is that all shock, . I remember crying and shouting at him that nothing I ever did was good enough for him......

It sounds like your DD has done fantastically well for HER and that is all you can ask for, is that she can be the best that she can be.

Your X is a total knob to upset his DD so badly.

As long as she is happy with the school that she goes to, that is all that matters ...

11Plustrauma Sat 02-Feb-13 20:22:17

Her friend from next door has come in. She did the 11plus two years ago and didn't pass. Didn't even nearly pass. She has made a "fame carpet" out of the dogs towel and an old blanket and is taking flash photos of DD as she sashays up and down the hall. grin

Illgetmegoat Sat 02-Feb-13 20:23:36

Well done to your DD, what a stunner of a result! - I'm glad she is starting to feel better.

He is a huge cunt - I hope he gets equally short shrift from the HT.

I was told the same - my great career is exactly what I wanted and I am happy. My father doesn't get to share in my life at all - one day I turned around and told him if it was so important to him to do xyz then maybe he should get off his arse and go and do it, or was he worried he'd be a disappointment to himself? His comments were alongside a lot of other horrible behaviour but if your ex keeps on in this way - pity his loss of your wonderful daughter who will soon see him for what he is. Then he'll feel real disappointment.

I hope when she starts at the school she'll be happy and be getting a lot of positive feedback there that will start to undo his harpings on on the subject.

Hopefully your ex doesn't fall into any uncovered manholes or slip in to a river or something, that would be terrible.

11Plustrauma Sat 02-Feb-13 20:26:31

Illget - I have said to him before that he needs to stop putting his dreams on to the children, that they have to live their own lives and find what they want to do for themselves. He thinks that means I don't care.

ReindeerBollocks Sat 02-Feb-13 20:30:14

I'll dump your ex in the same vat of shite I'm dumping mine in if you like?

My DS (who has several medical and SN issues) was finally recognised as being bright in his current class which is year four. He did exceptionally well in some academic tests recently and we were finally told that he is definitely grammar material - if the schools are prepared to accept him with his issues.

My Ex said that he didn't want DS to go to some 'posh shite school' and life was for living - ex has used this matra for his own life and hasn't fulfilled his potential. Annoys me no end as Ex is trying to drum this into DS and spoil his currently good work ethic.

Massive congratulations to your DD, we live in grammar school central and all the parents have started private coaching already (Yr 4 FFS). She did tremendously well to get in with no formal coaching - ergo she must be a bright little thing and will thrive as long as she can be happy and know that she has your support.

Her dad was probably only concerned about telling people which grammar school his daughter went to, rather than thinking about which school was best for her practically - how much did he help her in the run up to the exams exactly?

Your Ex is definitely a grade A arsebadger if that's any consolation. We would second the strawberry laces treats too.

ReindeerBollocks Sat 02-Feb-13 20:31:47

Forgot to say, you sound amazingly supportive - I hope your daughter takes comfort in having such a lovely mum smile

11Plustrauma Sat 02-Feb-13 20:32:24

I CANNOT believe I have admitted on this thread that she has had sugary shite for BREAKFAST and Froot Shoots and I've not been shown my arse. grin

The rage is dispersing - I will support her as best as I can and I hope this doesn't affect her feelings about whatever school she ends up at.

11Plustrauma Sat 02-Feb-13 20:35:13

Redindder - well done to your DS. And don't let your ex spoil your DS's ambition and work ethic.

pointythings Sat 02-Feb-13 20:36:19

<shakes finger at OP and hoiks up judgeypants>

There, does that feel better?

Naaaah, just kidding. grin

11Plustrauma Sat 02-Feb-13 20:37:47

grin

Kiriwawa Sat 02-Feb-13 20:42:41

Well you can tell your DD that the whole of MN has its pompoms out for her and thinks she's done a brilliant job.

Another order of KFC! grin

MrsDeVere Sat 02-Feb-13 20:44:14

What a clever girl you have.
You must be so proud.

Your ex is a cunt.
Is he always like this?

In years to come your fantastic DD will look back on this day and realise that her father behaved in the most appaulling way. She will also remember that you DIDN'T. Sadly she's probably learned a very valuable lesson about her dad today.

But she's also learned that her mum is firmly in her corner and will never feel 'disappointed' in her. I think the Fathers Day card is a cracking idea.

Fruit shoots and strawberry laces can be forgiven in such severe circumstances although it might be a MN first grin

Strawberry bootlaces = one of your five-a-day, surely? grin

Congratulations to your dd, and your ex is an arse.

80sMum Sat 02-Feb-13 20:47:24

What an insensitive, thoughtless comment from your ex! I can see why you are so angry about it.
Don't worry, I'm sure your dd will do very well at her next school. She's obviously very bright and she has a caring and supportive mother by her side.

Plomino Sat 02-Feb-13 20:49:29

What an arsehole . She's done brilliantly , as have you to be so supportive .

The ONLY person who has any right to be disappointed , should be your DD , for having such an unsupportive , self centred , mindless , thoughtless fuckwit if a father .

WMDinthekitchen Sat 02-Feb-13 20:54:03

11 - email the school before Monday to thank DD's teachers for helping her get a place at XX school. On Monday morning, have DD take in a very large box of chocolates for the staff and make it clear on the large label that is attached that you and DD are so grateful that she will be attending XX school. Make sure you name the school as often as possible. If ex wants a meeting make him arrange it himself and attend on his own so he can see the shock on the head's face. Don't facilitate his twuntery.

Well done DD!

Andthentherewere5 Sat 02-Feb-13 20:59:00

You sound like a fantastic supportive Mum - good job too, to make up for the shite job her dad is doing. My ex-H told my DD she was an "anti-social moron" about 2 years ago. She was only 9 at the time and still remembers it.
Unfortunatly he hasnt got any better and has on a number of occasions called her a nerd, geek, goth, emo (sp?). I actually think he thinks he is being funny but it has got under her skin and caused real upset. I offered to have a word with him but she kept wanting to just leave it. I can understand how you feel as ripping his balls off felt like a totally reasonable action!
Well at new year he did it again but this time she has let me have a word with him. As I suspected he didn't get it at all, just smiled and said "oh its nothing". I managed to tell him that It's not nothing you moron, you are damaging her self esteen and making her love you less and less. Not sure if it got through, just have to know that she is the very centre of my world and try not to say vile things about him in front of her!

11Plustrauma Sat 02-Feb-13 20:59:38

You have all just now made me cry. In a thank god I have MN way.

Normally, the ex is a bit of a pain, but manageable but he has a blind spot when it comes to academic stuff. He thinks it is the be all and end all and it really isn't. I know it sounds trite but there are many many worse things than not quite hitting the top in an exam you sat when you were 10. And he translates me saying there's many more things to life than exams as I don't care how they do and I do care, I just see so many worse things that could be than an exam result.

11Plustrauma Sat 02-Feb-13 21:00:37

that last post of mine so did not make sense. blush

11Plustrauma Sat 02-Feb-13 21:01:57

WMD - that's a fantastic idea. Spike his guns.

Your poor dd sad He is an insensitive, selfish twat!

At least she has you to give her a different opinion and bolster her self esteem. So sad she felt that she let you down, that would make me sooo angry

My dad did similar when I got a 2:1 in my degree and all he could say was "is that all?", balled my eyes out on the night I should have been celebrating and got very drunk. At least I was old enough to phone him up the next day and tell him how much he had hurt me and bollock him for it.

11Plustrauma Sat 02-Feb-13 21:04:50

I am so sad and angry that there are so many parents who do similar to their kids.

ReindeerBollocks Sat 02-Feb-13 21:08:19

Be reassured that all of the children on this thread with twattish dads have fantastic supportive mums wink grin

"It doesn't change how much I love her or what I feel for her just because of an exam. And it honestly wouldn't matter if she got 5% or 55% or 105% because I know she did her best, and no one can do any more than that."

This ^^ She has done brilliantly, and excelled and worked hard, and put in all that effort, and just because her Dad is an arse doesn't make it any less of an achievement for her. Tell her PomBear the weird woman from MN is VERY proud of her and is cheering wildly for her and wishes her well, and she is a STAR grin

GreatUncleEddie Sat 02-Feb-13 21:17:26

He's a twat. Obviously. Don't send chocolates into school though. Think of the kids that didn't pass.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Sat 02-Feb-13 21:17:48

Wow he's a real bastard!

11Plustrauma Sat 02-Feb-13 21:18:39

I am actually about to cry.

transferworry Sat 02-Feb-13 21:30:24

What an absolute wanker tosshead arsehole, OP. Thank fuck you had the sense to leave him and he doesn't live with your dd, giving her poison like that all the time. She got into a good grammar school and he's mithering because she didn't get the one he wanted? Fuck that.

Sounds like you've got a bright girl with good sense. I can only assume she got it from your side of the family. Have a wine, my dear - and if there was a big ice-cream emoticon I'd give one to your dd. Here are some congratulatory thanks for her smile

transferworry Sat 02-Feb-13 21:33:53

Meant to say - as you can see from my posting name, I'm also an 11+ mummy today. My dd also got a good score despite a big knock to her confidence earlier this year. It's a hell of a process and I wish there was a better one, but it's all done now. All the best to your dd in her great new school smile

MyCannyBairn Sat 02-Feb-13 21:57:00

I would have bollocked him by text. What an absolute wanker.
You, on the other hand, are lovely.

Enfyshedd Sat 02-Feb-13 22:05:17

Congratulations to your DD OP. thanks

Your ex is an arse of the first order - just like my father. I haven't spoken to him in nearly 12 years. When I got my GCSE results, his reaction when he picked me up from the school was "You could have done better" (possibly true, but he also didn't know that I knew that my DM had been having an affair and had been planning to leave him for 6 months before my exams). My results also (just) put me in the top 25% of my year. The first person to congratulate me on my results was my maths teacher who came over when he saw me. After my DM's work mates found out about my "D"F's reaction, they clubbed together before lunch and bought a card and a box of chocs to congratulate me in front of him when we went to collect DM from work that afternoon - they wanted to humiliate him.

Considering all the other shit that went on over the years, that's the only thing which still makes my blood boil. In all other respects, he may as well just have been a sperm donor for what I feel for him.

skullcandy Sat 02-Feb-13 22:10:49

i would have absolutely killed him.

The only appropriate thing to have said to her was "Well Done, I'm Proud of you for doing so well"

and then to have discussed his 'disappointment' in private with you.

He's a wankstain.

Illgetmegoat Sat 02-Feb-13 22:38:49

Illget - I have said to him before that he needs to stop putting his dreams on to the children, that they have to live their own lives and find what they want to do for themselves. He thinks that means I don't care.

He thinks he can continue with his bollocks by making out , loudly, as if you don't care and trying to firmly push his percieved 'blame' on to you. Desperately trying to justify why he is right and you are wrong, wrong, wrong. If he is willing to jeopardise his relationship with his daughter over a grammar school then he is short sighted and pathetic. Did he perform well beyond expectation? Or is he an average shmuck that dislikes this fact and wants to pick his self esteem up through your DC? because of course that will be down to his parenting and nothing to do with the hours of help nda support you put. If I read rightly, this is important to him but he actually only turned up with his opinion after the fact? Didn't sit there and encourage, support and help her like you did?

He is a cunt <unanimous MN verdict therefore - gavel>

Illgetmegoat Sat 02-Feb-13 22:40:08

Gah sorry angry typing!

Mimishimi Sat 02-Feb-13 22:40:29

That's horrid. If he mentions it again, tell your daughter to ask him for private tutoring so she can ace her A-levels. If he contributed nothing of his time or funds,he has no right to be disappointed. My DD got into the second top selective school in the state here in Australia which we've just come back from Hong Kong for (so top 300 students out of 30,000). Months before the exam last year, she got intensive tutoring from her dad via Skype for Maths and from me for English and French. Nearly every single one of her classmates, all bright children, received private tutoring. It's simply not enough to think ' my child is brainy' and do nothing. Your ex is an idiot and his choice of language speaks volumes abut him and his probable academic inclinations. Even though she did not get her school of first choice, we are immensely proud of our daughter and she will be getting private tutoring for her high school subjects now that she has proved herself. Your daughter should also be proud of herself.

FayeKorgasm Sat 02-Feb-13 23:16:49

OP you are a fabulous mum and your x is the most revolting of men who doesn't deserve a lovely DD.

My father was similar in many ways to your x (though he has accepted now he was wrong) but my mother didn't stand up for me at all. I had a rotten childhood, I'm so glad your wonderful DD has you.

FairyHanny Sun 03-Feb-13 01:48:42

As I see it OP, your daughter has many years left of education to complete and go on to be whatever she wants to be, with such a caring mum right behind her.

But him? Well he'll always be a cunt.

Kudos to you. (And the fleas of a thousand camels to his underpant for all eternity.)

11Plustrauma Sun 03-Feb-13 07:26:11

I haven't slept particularly well I am even more and more and more angry. He has sent a reply to the text that implies that I was going and seeing the school and the teacher about how she was doing/what her weaknesses were behind his back. That is just wrong. I have been asking all the way along the kids school careers, but this last year have been asking the teacher to identify areas of weakness that we could work on with her.

Every time I would phone him or speak to him at a handover and say "Mrs X says we need to work on ABC" and he would say "Her ABC is fine" and then he wouldn't do it. On alternate weekends when he had her he would do no work with her. None. He didn't even come to her parent teacher interview. And he knew when it was, he just forgot.

I am so so angry and he doesn't deserve her. She is a lovely lovely child who I am very proud of. He will say (I know) that he didn't say he was disappointed in HER but that's what she took out of it and he would then dance semantics on the head of a pin to justify it to himself.

I am disappointed in him. I thought he was a decent father with a bit of a blind spot when it came to academic results. I was wrong. It has shaken my view of him to the core and I don't think it will ever recover from this.



PS she cleaned her teeth before bed last night and it'll be back to Weetabix for breakfast today. grin

Montybojangles Sun 03-Feb-13 07:54:51

He's a Grade A knobber.
Txt him back and just ask if rather than meeting the head now, seeing her teachers on parents evening, or doing the work suggested over the year might have been more useful. I would also tell him very clearly that of he ever ever reacts like that again after his child worked so hard and done so well then you will cut off his balls and feed them to the neighbours dog. Ask him if he realised with those three words and the way he spoke them a little piece of his daughter curled up and died inside?
Fuckwiited cunt bastard

Montybojangles Sun 03-Feb-13 07:56:12

And I so hope she wakes up feeling good about herself and her achievement again

zeronilnowt Sun 03-Feb-13 08:22:35

What a despicable excuse for a human being your ex is. You however, sound lovely.

My dad was similar. I did my GCSEs just after my mum died, still did fairly well (passed them all A-C) one of the exams (french oral) was on the day of my mums actual inquest (verdict suicide) when I told my dad the results his first response was "only a B in French? I thought you were good at it?" To my eternal regret I stopped trying after that and left school without any further qualifications. I knew my best wouldn't ever be good enough (the only person who told me my best would always be good enough, had gone) so I stpped trying completely.

Keep telling her how proud you are of her, what she has achieved is amazing and no decent human being will ever be disappointed in anyone who has tried hard and worked hard.

flowers

AThingInYourLife Sun 03-Feb-13 08:40:29

He is really stupid.

Being clever is easy. Learning how to work hard at something is hard.

He is giving her the message that only results count.

The kids who learn that lesson early are the ones who don't know how to put the work in when it's needed.

If he really cared about her academic progress he would be full of praise for her hard work for the exam.

His concern would seem to be entirely about his own ego. He wants a daughter who gets high marks in exams.

You want to work with your daughter to help her to be the best she can be.

He has a fucking cheek telling you you don't care and your standards aren't high enough.

11Plustrauma Sun 03-Feb-13 08:56:50

Zero- that's terrible.

AThing - I think you have hit the nail on the head.

I don't see what I have done wrong. I never stopped him going into the school to find out what she needed to work on or stopped him working with her. I maybe didn't tell him every single time I spoke to the teacher but why was it my job to keep him informed? He's a big boy he could have gone in by himself and found out.

She worked bloody hard. I don't think I could have pushed her any harder and I wouldn't have wanted to go down the route of coaching (although everyone seems to)??

I do not understand what is the point of him trooping into the school now to discuss her options. He hasn't been in all year. He would have been better off going in a year ago. Having a meeting with the head won't change anything. Unless "her father is a cunt" counts as special circumstances.

KeatsiePie Sun 03-Feb-13 09:05:26

What a shitty man. Thank goodness she has you to tell her the truth about herself, and to work with her and encourage her and above all know her.

Obviously you haven't failed to keep him apprised of her progress at school, and obviously there's no point in his running around trying to change her options now. She earned an option (a good one!) and that's that. Even if he could get her a better one, it would be bad for her to take it, as she'd feel like she was in the school due to special string-pulling, not b/c she earned her place.

I don't know a thing about negotiating with the other parent on this sort of situation but can you just wait him out? Let him run around using up his energy, stay out of it, and you and she can just carry on knowing ultimately she will go to the good school she earned the right to go to?

hackmum Sun 03-Feb-13 09:06:18

I assume there's a reason he's your ex?

What Athinginyourlife said is right: "Being clever is easy. Learning how to work hard at something is hard." You shouldn't praise children for being clever, you should praise them for working hard. Your DD started out in a position where she wouldn't have passed, worked hard, and got herself to a point where she did pass. That's really commendable, and her dad should be proud of her.

sausagesandwich34 Sun 03-Feb-13 09:15:20

When I got my gcse results my dad said 'see how much better you could have done if you worked harder' I'd got 6As and 3Bs ffs!

I was working, just not under his nose like my brother was. I'd had 3 months of school with glandular fever in yr 10 and my dad was off work for all of my yr 11 due to a heart attack and bypass surgery

I was bloody proud and was so upset that he wasn't

I think sometimes parents say things without thinking and your dd is lucky she has you to pick her up
My mum wouldn't contradict my dad if her life depended on it hmm

SanityClause Sun 03-Feb-13 09:21:06

After DD1 sat her 11+, we took her out to dinner, as a reward for all the hard work she had done. We wanted to reward the effort rather than the result.

Your DD has worked really hard, and, in fact, has achieved a good result. Just keep praising her for that effort, as that is what is important.

As for your XH, what a wanker!

Make sure he says to her that he didn't say he was disappointed in her. It may be semantics, but it may also mean a lot to your DD to know that Daddy wasn't disappointed in her effort, but in the fact that she had missed the other school by so little (and was therefore unlucky, not stupid or lazy.)

11Plustrauma Sun 03-Feb-13 09:21:27

Keatsie - that's exactly what my mum said. Let him go to his bloody meeting and be told there's nothing he can do and let him rant and rave and stamp his feet. I genuinely don't think the other grammar is the right place for her and I always said that and said it to him. He views it as the better school because it's very hot housed and very pressured for exams and the grammar she will more than likely end up at is actually getting BETTER GCSE results but is less pressure and the atmosphere is more relaxed.

I don't know what the fuck he thinks he's going to change by going in to the school. It won't change her mark. And I can't tell you all enough times how hard she worked to get where she got. I could not have asked her to do any more it wouldn't have been fair. And just because DS is bright and it's easier for him and he sails through, so fucking what? What has that got to do with her? He's not her she's not him they are different people. Yes he may be more able academically but she is more pleasant to be around he's a grumpy shit at times and has to be handled with kid gloves. She never stops smiling (usually) and is the kindest soul put on the face of the planet. Why would anyone want to change her?

maras2 Sun 03-Feb-13 09:24:57

11+.You sound like such a lovely mother.I think that your attitude to this will make up for his total fuckwittery.He's a complete and utter shit for brains idiot,who doesn't deserve such a clever daughter.No wonder he's your ex.Best wishes for the future. Mx.

Branleuse Sun 03-Feb-13 09:30:41

hes abusive sad

well done to your dd x

ProphetOfDoom Sun 03-Feb-13 09:49:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GettingObsessive Sun 03-Feb-13 10:17:10

11plus this story resonates so much with me. I was clever and my parents (particularly my dad) placed all of their emphasis on results, not effort. They took no real interest in my studies, so long as I was getting the results. As a result, and because I could do well enough without trying, I didn't try very hard. It came as a very nasty shock when there was something that I couldn't just ace without putting the graft in. Needless to say, my dad was perplexed by this and couldn't understand why I had failed - and made it perfectly clear what a disappointment I was to him.

When we have discussed that time since, they could apparently see I was terrified of failing but didn't see fit to talk to me about it.

My Dsis on the other hand, was always (quite rightly) praised for the effort she put in. She has gone on to achieve a fulfilling and respects career, despite the diagnosis she received as an adult of dyslexia which would have made everything so much harder for her.

You are doing exactly the right thin for your DD and she will always value that. It may be that your ex finds that he doesn't have the relationship with her that he would have wanted, because she learns that he won't support her when she needs it most.

KeatsiePie Sun 03-Feb-13 10:35:59

Good for your mom! Glad you have someone to back you up emotionally so you don't start to feel vulnerable to his stupid overreactions. Hopefully he will wear himself out shortly.

You sound like such a lovely mother to your daughter and I bet that will keep her feeling strong and sure of her tremendous capabilities despite him as she grows up.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Sun 03-Feb-13 10:42:35

Playing devil's advocate here I would say he probably meant he was a bit disappointed that she didn't get her first choice of school and missed out by only a few marks. I do think he should apologise to your DD and explain this is what he meant not that he's disappointed in her hard work and success.

BUT I can't see a problem with him meeting the head and talking things through. The head may think there is a chance of getting into first choice school on appeal which is worth doing if DD would prefer to go there. If the head says no that's a quick way to end the conversation.

Well done to your DD for passing her 11+ smile

11Plustrauma Sun 03-Feb-13 10:59:32

Ghoul - yes I can see what you're saying, but he shouldn't have said it. What he should have said was "fantastic well done I'm really proud of you".

There is no chance of her getting in to the other grammar - competition for places is so high that the 4 or 5 marks she's down by means she won't get in.

He is going to discuss her options. Now. When it's too late. When he should have got off his backside and gone and talked to her months ago and when if he'd bothered his arse to listen to what he was being told or bothered to find out he would have realised that her mark is bloody brilliant and she's done fantastic. He had his head in the sand and just kept saying "she'll get in". And now she hasn't and he's upset about that. Too late too late. And he is trying to pass all the blame (as he sees it) off on to me that I didn't keep him informed and that I don't have ambition for her, which is unfair.

11Plustrauma Sun 03-Feb-13 11:00:12

(We don't know if she'll get in or not but it is highly highly unlikely.)

CecilyP Sun 03-Feb-13 11:57:37

Do you really think he is likely to go to the school to discuss your DD's options? The fact that he texted you to tell you that you should do it suggests that he won't. But if, by some strange chance, he actually does go to the school, it might be a good thing because I can't see a headteacher putting up with his nonsense and she would be able to explain the situation regarding entry to the 2 schools more objectively.

I am disappointed in him. I thought he was a decent father with a bit of a blind spot when it came to academic results. I was wrong. It has shaken my view of him to the core and I don't think it will ever recover from this.

That is the sad thing. In the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter which of 2 perfectly good schools your DD will be attending. Your and your DD's relationship with her dad is far more important and he has jeopardised that by his own stupidity.^

I am so so angry and he doesn't deserve her. She is a lovely lovely child who I am very proud of. He will say (I know) that he didn't say he was disappointed in HER but that's what she took out of it and he would then dance semantics on the head of a pin to justify it to himself.

If he says that, he should be made to come and say it to her - that he was disappointed for her that she didn't get her first choice school. And he should apologise to her in no uncertain terms.

11Plustrauma Sun 03-Feb-13 12:50:15

I absolutely do think he will go into the school to discuss the options.

My plan is

- go in myself and talk to the head just to be 110% certain of what's the most likely outcome

- keep bigging her up and bigging up her effort.

But I don't know about this bit - would it be worth going to see the school she's likely to end up at on her own, or would it be worth me going to see the head of that school to see what she says about DDs options?

OP, you're an ace mum. Your ex, well, I don't swear so there are no words I can use to describe him.

When I got my GCSE results, I was over the moon, especially with my maths, where I'd gone from a U in the mocks, to a C when it counted.

First thing my mum said when I walked out of school, "Go get your mates, here's some money, go and have a lovely lunch because you've all worked so hard and done brilliantly."

I still remember that day 7 years later smile

Here's hoping your DD will remember how supportive and proud you were, and not how awful your ex was.

CecilyP Sun 03-Feb-13 13:04:33

Of course you should continue praise DD for her effort and achievement. I also think you should now be emphasising the positives of the school that she, more than likely, will be going to. Especially as you realistically think it was the better fit for your DD in the first place. So it was, and will continue to be a really good result - rather spoilt by your ex's stupid comment. I am not sure what going to see various heads of various schools will really achieve.

11Plustrauma Sun 03-Feb-13 13:06:31

The only reason I would have gone to see the head of the school she's likely going to end up at would be because I don't know the school like I do the other grammar where DS is, and I don't know if it would be helpful for her to know that DD is uneasy/upset?

11Plustrauma Sun 03-Feb-13 13:07:29

And the reason for going to see her current head is to make sure that she knows my stance so that the ex can't misrepresent him going in demanding that "something will have to be done" as coming from me as well.

firstpost Sun 03-Feb-13 13:13:15

Hum, I was coached for my 12 plus, not privately but endless practise papers with mum and dad. I got the result they wanted and ended up in one of the "best" grammar schools in the country.

BUT, it was the most miserable time of my life. Being bottom of the top 10% is an extremely hard place to be, as a result of feeling like such a total failure I rebelled and ended up leaving school with very little. Really messed up their league table result that year smile My parents were only trying to do their best for me but I would never ever coach a child of mine to pass.

twentythirteen Sun 03-Feb-13 13:18:39

YABU (ducks) in the title of your thread, it's a serious over reaction. If a man had written an equivelently titled thread I would be horrified. Can you imagine...

11Plustrauma Sun 03-Feb-13 13:21:49

twentythirteen - you are of course entitled to your opinion. smile.

Can I just ask - have you ever dealt with a young child who has "failed" the 11 plus? And been told that their father is disappointed?

ConferencePear Sun 03-Feb-13 13:32:37

You are absolutely right to be furious with your ex BUT
Try not to let her see how cross you are. Concentrate on how well she has done and how good it will be at the new school.
Somehow you need to let her see that he has a problem not her.
She has done well and should be proud of herself. How did her friends do - maybe you can find someone there who will be supportive ?

CecilyP Sun 03-Feb-13 13:38:14

twenty-thirteen, I doubt if OP is seriously going to do that - it wouldn't help her DD to have her mum in jail!

OP, thanks for clarifying about visiting the schools. I think it is a good idea to visit the school that DD will be likely to go to. I wouldn't say too much about your DD being upset, just that she didn't think she was going to this school and, now that she is, you'd now like to have a look - pretty much like any open day, really. Perhaps if you can then emphasise the positives, your DD won't be so uneasy or upset.

I can also understand your wanting to go in and put your point of view to your current school, so that the head knows your stance before your ex goes in all guns blazing.

11Plustrauma Sun 03-Feb-13 13:41:54

Oh I have no intention of actually doing him any harm, I was having a rant. I was and still am, very very cross indeed with him.

Veritate Sun 03-Feb-13 13:43:41

I am disappointed in him. I thought he was a decent father with a bit of a blind spot when it came to academic results. I was wrong. It has shaken my view of him to the core and I don't think it will ever recover from this.

Exactly. I suggest you make sure you tell him that, and also that his daughter is more than disappointed in him.

You are also absolutely right to go for the school that feels right for DD, not for the academic hothouse. We made a similar decision for our DD - because she's very shy, we went for a smaller, more nurturing school where she wouldn't be overwhelmed by pressure and would be encouraged to develop her talents. When it came to GCSEs, her results were actually well above the average for the hothouse school which we had rejected.

digerd Sun 03-Feb-13 13:48:17

My sis's 2 boys were so different, ds1 was needy and sensitive . DC 2 very laid back, but with no ambition. DS 1 failed the 11+ and DS2 passed with flying colours. But disappointed my sis as he was "lazy", in her words.
Now they are both in their 30s . DS 2 weathers every storm as is the same happy go lucky laid back person - still with no ambition.
DS1, however, went off the rails in his teenage years. Never worked, always drunk and smoked weed. He has kicked the drink, but now chain smokes. Ds2 never needed drugs, drink or nicotine to make him feel good/relaxed, he was like that by nature.

twentythirteen Sun 03-Feb-13 13:51:28

I did assume you meant the title to be figurative! I still would be horrified to see a similarly figurative title written against a woman's body. And I have dealt with similar contexts. And we all of us need a place to express our anger, hence my ducking out again!

11Plustrauma Sun 03-Feb-13 13:55:06

twentythirteen - I am sorry if I have offended you. I'm really not sure how but obviously what I have written you have found offensive and for that I apologise.

twentythirteen Sun 03-Feb-13 14:01:06

I shouldn't have posted really, I normally don't, this is your place to get some support. I'm not offended just was a bit taken aback. (now really am ducking back out, good luck with your oh and dd)

Punkatheart Sun 03-Feb-13 16:39:09

I want this - created by the divinely named FairyHanny - for a t-shirt:

'And the fleas of a thousand camels to his underpant for all eternity'

Onwards and upwards to all the women (and children) let down by husbands and fathers. THEY are the ones who have disappointed their families.

11Plustrauma Mon 04-Feb-13 06:56:40

I am going in to see her cursing head hopefully this morning and going to ring the prObable new school to arrange to go and see them.

I know the current head has a very high opinion of dd. and I hope that the new school won't mind me looking around and won't mark me out as one of those mothers.

I haven't slept. I feel massively teary. Why? I don't know why.

Ignore me I'm rambling.

11Plustrauma Mon 04-Feb-13 07:01:34

Current head. Autocorrect fail.

On phone. Sorry

Punkatheart Mon 04-Feb-13 08:07:49

I thought for a moment that her head teacher was cursing too - which made me smile.

Sending thoughts. It will be OK my love. We are mothers and we are strong.

11Plustrauma Mon 04-Feb-13 08:11:55

Lol would be hilarious if she's a mumsnetter and recognises me and does swear. But she's v professional and won't. grin

I hope I don't cry. That would be utterly embarrassing.

Have you told him that she was breaking her heart after he left for hours and apologised to you for not working hard enough and that you are disappointed with him for handling this in the worse way possible?

Make sure he knows this and tell him you have no intentions of attending any meeting with him because you are so angry and sad.

11Plustrauma Mon 04-Feb-13 09:56:00

I told him, which is when he started dancing on the head of the pin of semantics to justify his comment and saying that he didn't say he was disappointed in her just that he was disappointed.

Went in and spoke to the head of her current school. Like me, she thinks DD has done fantastically well. She is also aware of how little my ex contributed in terms of time, effort and energy and has met people like him before. He is more than welcome to go in and talk to her.

Waiting for the head of the most likely grammar to ring me back.

trustissues75 Mon 04-Feb-13 10:20:40

I didn't get straight A's in my GCSE's - my mother said, and I paraphrase "I dont' know if I can go to the awards ceremony. How will I face the other mothers?" She denies it, as she denies all her thoughtless disengagements of her mouth from her brain - and I've never forgotten it.

YANBU. What an utter shit.

prettyfly1 Mon 04-Feb-13 10:26:04

Congratulations to your daughter - brilliant achievement and well done to her for working so hard. I will come help fry his nadgers with some nice garlic and a little chianti if you like??

11Plustrauma Mon 04-Feb-13 10:27:28

grin I am so glad IWNBU - I just feel so gutted for her, not for the result but that he could be like this and I want to make sure (if I can) that this doesn't affect her and that she doesn't think she has failed.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Mon 04-Feb-13 10:37:57

She is also aware of how little my ex contributed in terms of time, effort and energy and has met people like him before. He is more than welcome to go in and talk to her ... at which point she will, very respectfully and professionally, feed him his balls, I suspect.

You're a fabulous Mum, your DD will do just brilliantly, and I'm so sorry you had to watch her be upset like that, so unfairly.

trustissues75 Mon 04-Feb-13 10:40:26

OP - I know this is a huge worry for you on how this is affecting your daughter, and rightly so. May I suggest a book that I found helpful when I fist had DS and was determined to no inflict my mother's brand of love on him?

www.amazon.co.uk/Raising-Resilient-Children-Fostering-Strength/dp/0809297655/ref=sr_1_fkmr1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1359974326&sr=1-2-fkmr1

11Plustrauma Mon 04-Feb-13 10:47:18

grin Tortoise - you're spot on grin

Thanks for that book rec [girn]

11Plustrauma Mon 04-Feb-13 11:23:28

Have ordered the book thank you

wreckedone Mon 04-Feb-13 11:30:39

I took my 11+ and was offered a bursary at the school I wanted to go to. My parents were really disappointed (and told me so) that I didn't get a full scholarship - I felt like a failure. May I suggest coating his balls in jam and then setting some red ants on them. Then woodchipping them.

11Plustrauma Mon 04-Feb-13 11:33:07

Am going to see round most likely school and meet head on Wednesday. She gets to come too and a prefect will take her round and get her juice and a biscuit in the canteen.

Keep your fingers toes and anything else crossed for us that she likes it and it goes well.

11Plustrauma Mon 04-Feb-13 11:33:32

Sorry - sloppy grammar and sentence construction, I should go back to school - DD gets to come too.

JuliaScurr Mon 04-Feb-13 11:46:04

Has no-one mentioned the rusty spoon method of castration?

'cocksucking son of a wankbadger' grin

dd did 11+ to get into best secondary for anxious kds - of course, doing the test made her anxious. We all made a massive fuss of her for being brave enough to do the sodding test at all. She failed by 3 points, passed on appeal.

Her father is a grade A tosser.

Please pass on my thanks congratulations and best wishes. She will do well at whatever school she goes to.

wankbadger <snorts>

11Plustrauma Mon 04-Feb-13 11:46:51

You're all going to make me cry. Again. Thank you thanks all round and wine on Wednesday night.

LatteLady Mon 04-Feb-13 12:50:59

Just seen this, what a fantastically clever girl your daughter is... You must be incredibly proud and for very good reason.

I hope she will be really happy at her new school and that she can enjoy the rest of her time at what seems to be a lovely primary school.

Well done that girl! grin

PessaryPam Mon 04-Feb-13 13:08:58

OP your ex is an utter tosser but I am sure you are aware of this as he is an ex.

EnjoyResponsibly Mon 04-Feb-13 13:56:01

Passing the 11+ is a major achievement, for which DD and you should be chuffed to bits.

But she's now got to undertake another 7 years of education and that must be in a place that adequately suits her academic and parochial needs. It seems that you, and she, have realised that and have made the right choice.

Your ex husband does not seem too bright actually. Has he considered additional coaching?

It would be fun to be in the Heads office when she hands him his balls on a plate.

11Plustrauma Mon 04-Feb-13 14:26:22

So, on the advice of current head I texted him to let him know that I and she would be going to see the most likely school.

BAD idea.

holidaysarenice Mon 04-Feb-13 14:31:19

Having done the 11plus and liked it, I understand where you're coming from.

Let her ring him and say i'm disappointed in you as a father

Would it make him stop and think?

holidaysarenice Mon 04-Feb-13 14:33:36

Have just seen that you texted him! What happened?

Should we be forcibly inserting his phone into his anus?

11Plustrauma Mon 04-Feb-13 14:36:25

Yes please. He said (and I quote) "Have I missed something? Is Wednesday not a normal school day?"

angry

I replied "yes it is I have cleared it with MrsX"

Doesn't he get that in order to try to undo the damage he has done the right thing to do which the current head suggested this morning before I did and then I said I was going to do it anyway, the RIGHT thing to do is take her to see round the school and make it a positive experience. Don't answer that. Because no, he doesn't.

God I hate his fucking guts right about now.

holidaysarenice Mon 04-Feb-13 14:42:36

Ooo I'm so angry on ur behalf!!!

You have turned what could have been a disaster for your little girl into something positive. I know so many ppl who struggled at grammar school despite being bright, just not as bright as the top 10%!

Take comfort that you are a super mum.

Importantly for you dd, are any of her friends planning on this school? That's always important at 11 and might be a good idea to let her get to know a few ppl outside school if none of them are.

And don't let ur ex dh go on wed either. Well by the time WE finish with him he'll still be in a and e!!

11Plustrauma Mon 04-Feb-13 14:47:25

LOL yes her 3 best friends from primary will be at the same grammar. Don't know if they will be in the same class though because they stream.

If he turns up on Wednesday I will be absolutely incandescent with rage.

Herrena Mon 04-Feb-13 14:47:31

Umm... I'm a bit confused. Was he questioning the fact that your DD will be going to see her new school on a regular school day and will be missing her ordinary classes? Because I would probably initially question that too tbh.

Disclaimer: my kids are under 2 and I didn't go to school in the UK so am clueless. Also, I do think your ex has acted like a dick up to this point!

11Plustrauma Mon 04-Feb-13 14:49:00

He was being sarcastic. That's his form, it's how he behaves, it's something he does. "oh am I missing something isn't it supposed to be xyz" to make me justify myself.

holidaysarenice Mon 04-Feb-13 14:49:02

Hopefully then she will come home from school today full of excitement that she is going with her friends! I take it you're in ni when you have an 11+.

11Plustrauma Mon 04-Feb-13 14:51:05

Yes I hope so.

Yes in Northern Ireland.

And at least she still has a grammar to go to - there are children in her class who were expected to score very highly who have done much less well than expected and are unlikely to get in to any grammar. Which is a much worse situation than she is in.

11Plustrauma Mon 04-Feb-13 14:52:43

Oh I meant to say. It made me laugh - when I phoned the head of the most likely grammar. It's a girls school and she actually did say "we like to think we look after our GELS and are a big caring family"

Someone up the thread talked about a girls school as "caring" for the "Gels" and I swear I nearly laughed out loud.

Herrena Mon 04-Feb-13 14:53:52

Oh, well if he was being sarcastic then he can no longer have the benefit of any doubt from me!

It's nice that you are being so supportive to your daughter - my parents were all about the results and couldn't have cared less if I were miserable at school. I remember hearing friends talking to their parents and being amazed when the parents said 'oh well, you did your best' and actually seemed to not hate their kids.

I hope she enjoys the tour on wednesday smile

holidaysarenice Mon 04-Feb-13 14:56:15

Ahhh having went a gels school in NI I really want to know if its mine! Prepare for a lot of hand flapping and squealing when they see a boy tho..... smile

11Plustrauma Mon 04-Feb-13 15:21:48

Lol I don't think that's unique to a girls school.

They are both good schools and I just don't understand why he has such a blind spot about this. He's normally not like this. But he just has a bee in his bonnet about getting her into one in particular.

Shodan Mon 04-Feb-13 15:29:56

"He said (and I quote) "Have I missed something? Is Wednesday not a normal school day?" "

I admire your restraint in not replying something along the lines of 'They were going to open the school up just for us at the weekend because they heard DD is your daughter and they know how speshul you are, but I dissuaded them.' But then you clearly more grown-up than me.

Your daughter has achieved something amazing. Huge congratulations to her and also to you, for your restraint wrt your xh and for being such a supportive and plainly fantastic mother.

Shodan Mon 04-Feb-13 15:31:08

you ARE clearly more grown-up etc etc.

And you can type betterer than wot I can too. grin

11Plustrauma Mon 04-Feb-13 15:32:01

grin I wish I'd thought of that

This too shall pass and in 2 or 3 or 10 or 20 years it won't matter. But my view of him is tainted and will still be tainted. For ever.

ineedabodytransplant Mon 04-Feb-13 17:01:30

I'm an old git who passed his 11+ many years ago. Much to my parents' dismay as they knew they would have to pay out for the proper uniform. When I was in the cubs I never, ever had the correct kit! All they wanted was the cheap option.

They got their 'revenge' though, as they refused to let me stay on to complete my O- levels as they wanted me out working.

Op, your litle girl has done you, and her, proud. She has shown you that she is intelligent enough, unlike her father.

Just let her know how proud YOU are.

He can rot in his own little world of failures.

Punkatheart Mon 04-Feb-13 18:15:58

I like that last sentence and it's great to get a man's perspective. Family, understanding and empathy is to me the holy grail of success. I just can't understand people for whom this is not the case...

fridgepants Mon 04-Feb-13 18:42:11

My dad used to say things like that. As I got older, I realised it was because he was pissed off that I was just as clever - if not more so - than he was and knew when he was bullshitting.

She'll remember this when she gets older and think much, much less of him as a person. If that's any help.

ravenAK Mon 04-Feb-13 18:53:53

Well done your dd.

& your dh is indeed a massive cunt.

11Plustrauma Tue 05-Feb-13 11:58:06

So the latest - he has gone into the current school and talked to the head. I don't who said what to whom (I shall ask current head but I don't expect to be told).

But ...

.....


The fukcingknobendbastardwankstain has come out saying that most likely school is the one for her didn't she do brilliant he never thought other school would be the right school for her and it's sitting on it's laurels and trading on it's reputation and isn't she lucky to get to that other school.

WANK

Revisionist wanker.

11Plustrauma Tue 05-Feb-13 12:15:44

I swear that has made me angry all over again. How fucking DARE he try to re-write what he did and said? Now it'll all be his idea and he will re-write history so that he never felt like that.

How much would I not have loved to have been a fly on the wall though - she must have handed him his balls on a fucking plate.

quoteunquote Tue 05-Feb-13 12:20:34

Toxic scum ball,

Explain to her she should take no notice of toxic people who ever they are, and it not her responsibility to deal with his failings.

and can you get a copy of the test for him to do in front of her?

I bet he wouldn't sit down and do it, as he knows he would struggle.

digerd Tue 05-Feb-13 12:24:47

Oh, wish you had been there to hear what the head said to him. He's changed his tune <lied> to save his face. She must have got his number and treated him appropiately. Good for her.
Now he must show DD his pride in her. He won't apologise, of course. You and DD took what he said the wrong way, he'll say and even believe it himself
Also, " that she was lucky to get into that school" is again, thoughtless. Should have said " I'm so proud and pleased you have got into the best school"

RowanMumsnet (MNHQ) Tue 05-Feb-13 12:27:17

Hello

First off, BIG congratulations to 11plustrauma's wonderful dd thanks - and congratulations/commiserations to any other children of MNers who have been getting results recently.

Second: we've edited this thread title and OP to remove some violent imagery. It was reported to us as being beyond the pale, and we agreed (while realising that the OP meant it in a rhetorical/hyperbolic way). We've also deleted some subsequent posts that made reference to the same imagery.

Trust you'll understand our reasoning.

Thanks
MNHQ

Pandemoniaa Tue 05-Feb-13 12:27:19

Your dd has done brilliantly. It looks like she'll be going to the school that is right for her and that's all that matters. I'd not waste any more valuable anger on your ex, either tbh. The man is a complete cockjuggler and really not worth the effort.

11Plustrauma Tue 05-Feb-13 12:30:36

Sorry Rowan - as I think I already said on the thread, it was hyperbole and not in any way would I ever do it blush

SoleSource Tue 05-Feb-13 12:30:54

I had terrible emotional abuse as a child. I am sure it hurt but she will survive. I am glad she has you to show her the correct way. Your girl is very lucky

Herrena Tue 05-Feb-13 12:47:29

Well it's a good thing that he is finally acting positive about the most likely school, but still. What a twat!

Your DD has received a pretty unmistakable lesson in what sort of person her daddy is. Is she likely to say anything like 'But you said you were really disappointed before!' when he next speaks to her? It would be interesting to hear his response to that one....

TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub Tue 05-Feb-13 20:51:36

You have GOT to love MNHQ for the fact that they've edited a title for being beyond the pale but that, post-editing, it still contains "absolute fucking bastard of the first order". Nice one, Rowan thanks

OP, I hope his volte-face isn't too bewildering to DD.

11Plustrauma Tue 05-Feb-13 20:53:27

I do feel a bit guilty for the vemon in my title but I was so so mad.

Yes it's great that he's done his change of heart but it's still pissing me right off especially since by next week it'll all have been his idea in the first place.

11Plustrauma Wed 06-Feb-13 07:03:33

Well today is the day I take her to see the most likely school. I've been awake half the night worrying and hoping it goes well. And also worrying that the current school will think I'm losing it because he's now portraying the whole thing as his idea in the first place. He has done this kind of thing before when I am sure it was one way and he insists it was another and he has made me doubt my own memories. Just this time I know what he said and apart from anything else I wrote it here. But now he will make it out that it was all his idea

ohfunnyhoneyface Wed 06-Feb-13 07:49:12

What a total control freak. I hope you find today easy and his early vitriol doesn't scar your daughter.

blackeyedsusan Wed 06-Feb-13 07:50:00

the title should say "absolute fucking gaslighting bastard of the first order"

have a good day today.

11Plustrauma Wed 06-Feb-13 07:59:44

It is gas lighting isn't it? I mean, I know it's not an important thing the important thing is that DD is ok but he is gas lighting isn't he?

11Plustrauma Wed 06-Feb-13 08:07:19

Utterly shallow wobble but black top, cardi and black wide legged trousers with ankle boots and silver jewellery? Will that be ok?

LifeSavedbyLego Wed 06-Feb-13 08:20:22

Perfect. Back straight, smile on and forward march!

11Plustrauma Wed 06-Feb-13 08:26:09

thankk you I'm so nervous and I want to make a good impression and not have her think i'm a pfb type neurotic parent!

Then after when I drop DD off I have to go and see current head and fill in forms and I hope she doesn't think I am deranged because ex has totally changed his viewpoint.

LifeSavedbyLego Wed 06-Feb-13 08:35:33

Nope she'll not thinly you are deranged. Him on the other hand... There quite simply aren't words. least non that HQ will let me use

LifeSavedbyLego Wed 06-Feb-13 08:35:58

That was supposed to be think not thinly

11Plustrauma Wed 06-Feb-13 08:36:56

I'm hoping she'll hint at what went on in their meeting. Something has to have happened because his viewpoint has totally switched it's a complete volte face

11Plustrauma Wed 06-Feb-13 09:12:23

I'm nervous. So is she.

FelicityWasCold Wed 06-Feb-13 09:36:28

Your DD will be fine- today is the day that she gets to see how you were right all along and she is going to a great school.

Your ex can attempt to gaslight as much as he likes, you and your DD know what he said and how it felt. She won't forget. I would try and refer to it lightly with her, as in 'isn't it lovely, now that Daddy's changed his mind. What a silly mistake he made, we always knew you were going to the best one anyway- didn't we dd?' -obv. Not when he's around, if that's likely to cause a fight, but it will help her to know that she can trust her own memories of the incident.

Don't worry about the Head- you didn't attend the meeting (which will have told her all she needed to know) she's spoken to you before so she knows your views, and she knows he's your EX. If she's any good at all she will be firmly, but tactfully, on your side.

GingaNinja Wed 06-Feb-13 10:02:50

Good luck, thanks and hope all is going FABULOUSLY at the school. Hope there were strawberry shoelaces for breakfast!

Your x seems to be oblivious to the obvious - he might try to change YOUR perception/memory of what was said but at 11 your DD is well able to remember what he said and draw her own conclusions. Just think, in 30 years time it could be 11plustraumaDD on here offering support to others by saying 'Ah yes, my Dad was a complete twunt and with the benefit of hindsight what effectively destroyed my affection for/relationship with him was his pathetic reaction to my FANTASTIC 11 plus results.'

And he does realise she's going to be picking his nursing home does he? When he's old, wretched, helpless, in need of help from someone who gives a damn... grin

11Plustrauma Wed 06-Feb-13 14:15:39

It went really really really well grin the head was lovely and showed us all around the school and was able to get DD out of her shell and talking to her and oh it just went fantastic grin

Going to see her current primary shortly and try to find out what was said to the ex!

Im so glad, hope your DD is doing ok

11Plustrauma Wed 06-Feb-13 14:20:32

She is thank you. She's much more positive now having seen round with me and she said a couple of times that it was so different from how she remembered it when she went with daddy. And no matter how much I am irritated with HIM, that's the important thing, that she's happy with whatever school she gets into and never ever feels like a failure over something like this.

ohfunnyhoneyface Wed 06-Feb-13 15:48:56

You're absolutely right- that is all that matters- that she is happy.

And she will remember his ridiculous u-turn and will make her wiser for it in the long run.

11Plustrauma Wed 06-Feb-13 17:07:03

Honestly if I hadn't posted it here I would have been doubting myself.

Went and saw the head. She said that she had shown him league tables and told him he had to consider himself very lucky that we have the choice of 2 good grammar schools and that DD had worked very very hard to get what she got and that every other child was being coached and she said he looked "visibly shocked" when she said that.

She then said "and I think he's changed his mind"

TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub Wed 06-Feb-13 17:11:35

So pleased it went well!

11Plustrauma Wed 06-Feb-13 17:13:48

It was really good. I don't think there's anything to pick between the schools academically, but what I HAVE to do is stop DD feeling like a failure for not (probably) getting into the other grammar, because that won't do her self-esteem any good.

SanityClause Wed 06-Feb-13 17:18:03

It sounds like Daddy might have been a bit negative about the school when she went round with him, which could've given her a bad impression.

I'm pleased she likes it, because now, whatever happens, she will be happy with whatever school she is allocated.

Is it like England, where you put down a preference, or is the school place allocated, depending on the 11+ score?

11Plustrauma Wed 06-Feb-13 17:20:59

Sanity - ya think grin wink

You get a preference but it really goes on 11plus score, especially for the other grammar, so we have to put school 1 even though we know she won't get in because it's our closest grammar and if we don't put it down first we won't get free transport to school 2 which is the one she'll almost certainly get in to.

And I just have to keep reminding myself that no matter what else she has to be happy and content with the school she ends up at. I could swing for him I really could.

SanityClause Wed 06-Feb-13 17:24:31

Oh, that's a bit of a pain, because, otherwise you could put the "most likely" school down, and be done with it.

Still, whatever happens, she'll now get a school she's happy with, by the sounds of things.

So well done to her!

11Plustrauma Wed 06-Feb-13 17:27:50

Exactly Sanity I feel like we are (nearly) taking a risk that she might get into the other grammar (even though I know it's highly unlikely)

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