Hey Leclerc, am really thinking of you so much. Just that post alone, you have so much to deal with and you are managing so well - but I think you're right that you are managing externally but not internally. That's how I feel too. I think you've been so used to internalising all your feelings with FW, not letting on how you are really feeling because you don't want it to start something, that you are unused to doing anything but coping and getting on with things. So I'm glad you are going to see the GP this evening. Just be truthful and say what you've said here. You must look after yourself.
Breathe, what a shame the court was adjourned though, although you've got a good perspective on it. Hope you are all doing ok.
Thinking about you all, Nini, Maggie, bertie, Charlotte, Fi, Nora, listens, Matchsticks and everyone else. So many of us. 
Still feeling funny after last week, and all the stuff going round in my head. Felt really flat yesterday, doing way too much thinking about stuff. This morning, on the way back from the school run, as I was walking I was having an imaginary conversation - I was re-imagining the conversation from when FW and i were lying in bed and he turned to me out of the blue and asked if I'd contacted a solicitor. (I had.) He then demanded to know what I'd said and threatened to get his own solicitor to make me reveal what I'd said. (Cos that's how it works, not...) In my new version, I read him the riot act - told him that if this was his response to hearing that I was so unable to cope with his ongoing abuse that I was looking to get away from him, after less than a year of marriage, then we were over. That he needed to sort himself out, and stop behaving the way he was, he was a disgrace of a man. In my head, he was apologising, and I was strong and determined, telling him like it was.
In reality, I froze in terror when he asked if I'd spoken to a solicitor, because I was waiting for him to kick off (again, with the baby in the cot by our bed). I was literally paralysed, could hardly speak. But he didn't do or say anything, which was worse because I slept not a wink all night, waiting for it to start, my heart pounding so loud I was sure he could hear it.
Aaaaaargh!!!! They are a bunch of FWs. I hate that I wasted so much time with him, I hate that I've become this shadow of myself. I was talking to my friend's brother last week at the funeral that I've known for years, who's ex-wife was very controlling and dominating (and we all knew it and warned him not to marry her, the only bright side is that it didn't last long...). He's still single, obviously a bit damaged by his experiences as well, but he's such a lovely bloke, and we had a great laugh, and it was just so bloody normal. I just kept thinking of how different things would be if I were with him instead of having been with FW. (And probably have been thinking about that a little too much... 
). Head is full of spaghetti today.
But am heading off for a Christmas present treat, afternoon tea with teeny sandwiches, cakes and prosecco with one of my besties. The way I'm feeling, I know I'll want to quaff the prosecco and start on the gin, so have opted to drive...
Have a good day everyone. 
and 