Am I being abused?
Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin
Books :
"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!
Websites :
So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place
what couples therapy does for abusers
If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.
The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships:16
foolonthehill · 27/01/2013 20:40
I spent a part of yesterday thinking about the jumping on the sofa story (only a part - promise :) )
It brought flashbacks and I realized that there was so much more to it.
FW's violent reaction left crying, angry, guilty, upset, sad children. It created an 'atmosphere' for the rest of the day. It sent me between comforting disconsolate children and telling their father that he was out of order to hastily cleaning 'his' sofa (everything was 'his') and assuring him that no permanent damage had been done in the hopes of calming him down (obviously, I know, now, that he was perfectly calm; it was just an exercise in bullying).
Half a day gone out of my life and the children's because FW had 'gone off on one' a day we will never get back. :( 
(actually, furious angry emoticon spitting fire and with smoke coming out of its ears!)
The irony of all this is that I would probaby have told the children off for jumping on the sofa in their shoes 
Instead of getting the message to think before they did something inconsiderate, the only message they got was that their FW father had gone apeshit - again
But, of course, I was a useless parent whom the children had not respect for. (will have to design an emoticon angry enough for this !)
thanks fly, I jolly well shall! 
I don't understand mine's rules, they seem to be completely made up (they didn't follow any logic or consistency, as I think like yours arth it wasn't about good discipline and boundaries, but bullying because I don't think he had a clue about boundaries, and cared even less). If it was the wrong day, wrong mood and time then look out basically, hence eggshells as it was so darned difficult to know which day and time it was to be! Mostly energy was consumed in those days searching for clues!
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Just checking into new thread, thanks Fool 
Am drained at the moment.....just general FWerty....will come back on later...thinking of you all x
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Hey Leclerc, am really thinking of you so much. Just that post alone, you have so much to deal with and you are managing so well - but I think you're right that you are managing externally but not internally. That's how I feel too. I think you've been so used to internalising all your feelings with FW, not letting on how you are really feeling because you don't want it to start something, that you are unused to doing anything but coping and getting on with things. So I'm glad you are going to see the GP this evening. Just be truthful and say what you've said here. You must look after yourself.
Breathe, what a shame the court was adjourned though, although you've got a good perspective on it. Hope you are all doing ok.
Thinking about you all, Nini, Maggie, bertie, Charlotte, Fi, Nora, listens, Matchsticks and everyone else. So many of us. 
Still feeling funny after last week, and all the stuff going round in my head. Felt really flat yesterday, doing way too much thinking about stuff. This morning, on the way back from the school run, as I was walking I was having an imaginary conversation - I was re-imagining the conversation from when FW and i were lying in bed and he turned to me out of the blue and asked if I'd contacted a solicitor. (I had.) He then demanded to know what I'd said and threatened to get his own solicitor to make me reveal what I'd said. (Cos that's how it works, not...) In my new version, I read him the riot act - told him that if this was his response to hearing that I was so unable to cope with his ongoing abuse that I was looking to get away from him, after less than a year of marriage, then we were over. That he needed to sort himself out, and stop behaving the way he was, he was a disgrace of a man. In my head, he was apologising, and I was strong and determined, telling him like it was.
In reality, I froze in terror when he asked if I'd spoken to a solicitor, because I was waiting for him to kick off (again, with the baby in the cot by our bed). I was literally paralysed, could hardly speak. But he didn't do or say anything, which was worse because I slept not a wink all night, waiting for it to start, my heart pounding so loud I was sure he could hear it.
Aaaaaargh!!!! They are a bunch of FWs. I hate that I wasted so much time with him, I hate that I've become this shadow of myself. I was talking to my friend's brother last week at the funeral that I've known for years, who's ex-wife was very controlling and dominating (and we all knew it and warned him not to marry her, the only bright side is that it didn't last long...). He's still single, obviously a bit damaged by his experiences as well, but he's such a lovely bloke, and we had a great laugh, and it was just so bloody normal. I just kept thinking of how different things would be if I were with him instead of having been with FW. (And probably have been thinking about that a little too much... 
). Head is full of spaghetti today.
But am heading off for a Christmas present treat, afternoon tea with teeny sandwiches, cakes and prosecco with one of my besties. The way I'm feeling, I know I'll want to quaff the prosecco and start on the gin, so have opted to drive...
Have a good day everyone. and 
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