Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships:16

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

And minkembra - re your last post, me too. Still miss it (despite it also being dysfunctional sometimes ), miss him in the bed and in the bedroom . But I think what I miss is someone. Someone who I can cuddle up to, who makes me feel safe, secure, who I feel good when I'm around them, etc. I certainly didn't feel any of that with FW, flashes of it but mostly not. One day, I will meet someone who I do feel these things with, as the rule and not the exception.

thanks pony yes I am seeing a counsellor. thankfully work has an employee assistance scheme so I got that sorted out really quick.
It is very, very raw still and you are spot on about being annoyed that he will never get it. he always used to joke that I chose him because no one else would have me where as he could have his pick.

which I would laugh off were it not for the fact that he does do pretty well for himself.

I suspect he treated me considerably worse than other people he has been out with because I was younger than him and because me being the default child carer created a power imbalance and then our entire relationship was some awful power struggle.

I know I need a long time to heal but I am just hoping that it is not game over. I'd rather be alone than be with him but alone is a slightly bleak prospect.

and like I say...I can live on my own for a long time (I have had to before and I am not actually alone, I have the brilliant kids)

...but no sex I may be past my wild youth/prime but I'm no deid yet.

on the plus side his older daughter was really kind to me last night and said not to worry I'd still see her but she thought it was for the best that we were not together anymore.

Leclerc - re the rabbit (I have a vision of a Mexican stand-off between them), and to the tonsillitis. Can you get a prescription from the doc's toot suite?

Definitely not game over mink. I was on my own with DS1 before FW, and perfectly happy. I am on my own again, plus kids, and perfectly happy. I know I'll meet someone else when the time is right preferably a handsome millionaire author of children's book.

Deid??? Are you Scottish? (like moi)

Sewn into her trousers it looks like!

2 teeth extracted, new denture in, oh the joy. Will let it heal a bit then contact friend

I'd be backing the bunny too, Leclerc - had one as a kid that used to terrorise our fairly feisty cat and chase it around the run if it dared to come in!
Def get appt, the sooner you can head it off at the pass, the better with tonsilitis.

Silver - hope your mouth is feeling better soon! That made me lol that you were waiting to contact your 'friend', heehee!

V funny Dolly! Mime-tastic!

And tidy your room Leclerc! (I feel old enough to be your mum though...)

I've never used citalopram, but at the start of taking my ADs back in June, I felt sicky quite a few times, usually in the evenings (was taking them in the morning). But it settled down quickly. have a look at the leaflet with the packet for side-effects.

And good news re DD1 deciding (for herself) to stop contact. She's a brave girl, a real credit to you.

A big

Oh well I just bought myself some roses as a romantic gesture to self ;-)

and yes pony I am indeed no deid and Scottish.

I need help and advice for my child. Sorry but I am going to have to be vague on details.

They are in an EA marriage and have realised and acknowledged this after a very rocky few months.

They want to leave but are very frightened of the fall out. They are primary carer of the child from the marriage, aged less than one year. They want to take the child with them but know this will cause the fireworks.

Having escaped an EA relationship myself (sins of the fathers etc) I have advised calling 101 to register concerns (done) contacting WA and getting support of outside agencies prior to leaving (done). This has made them feel much stronger and able to proceed.

What else should we be thinking of/doing to ensure that they can safely leave and protect the child?

Next on list is break up haircut!
Rarely get to hairdresser as I would have had to ask ex to mind the kids but I shall have to co opt a babysitter ask gran and get out the locks looked at.

bubble perm perhaps?
what I really fancy is (going back to) ruby hair colour. at one point I had a metallic pink bob. these days I think that might constitute sheep in lamb's hair dye.

Hello all, sorry been out of action...still in my black hole and have a horrible bout of flu Just a quick catch up......

Leclerc DD is so clear on him and his actions isn't she, bless her, is good that she knows her own mind but still so sad he has done this to you all. Hope DD2 starts to see things in black and white soon too. Had to laugh about roger rabbit! Maybe you should set him on TOD! Good that 'me Julie' is still listening to and logging the FWerty that still goes on despite you not even living together even more. I don't think any FW really truly "gets it" before or after spilting up Hope you feel better soon.

Nini Good to hear from you on here, glad you are as ok as can be expected, we are all here for you. I was very much in your position back in september, not a soul knew of the real FW I had been living with. Then my DBfriend and her hubby seen FW in action by accident (only something mild) but they were so shocked. Since then I have dropped hints to others, DMum, DBro, MIL etc etc. Suddenly things are starting to make sense to them all so I'm told. The turning up at event/parties with red eyes (after car journey from hell), the social life gone from me being the life and soul to me never going out and if I do sitting in a corner quiet as a mouse, the change in what I wear, gone from fashionable fox to frumpy fatty etc etc. Stay strong Nini....baby steps...baby steps...

Breathe Good to hear from you too on here, hope you are doing ok in the upstairs, so happy you have found another flat, I hope things will go straightforward for you securing it. And yayyy re doggy!!! I have plans to get a goldfish for kids! (starting off small!) I shall call him paddy! Will be thinking of you re flat etc and keep going you are doing great under the circumstances.

Silver happy for you and your gentleman caller!!!!!

Pony That book sounds good, I may need it too even though DC are only young but I sometimes struggle with being a mummy and knowing what I am doing is right or if its wrong and affecting them

Waving at everyone else....sorry if I missed you, have only glanced at thread

In other news........apart from bout of flu, general FWerty etc, I am very much grieving for DOldFlame and the RL support he gave me I have sent him an email and just said I was worried about him and that something had happened to him and maybe cut all FB ties so quickly incase someone else had his phone and seen our messages and to let me know that he is ok but on the other hand if it is the case that he wanted to just cut all contact with me then to just reply "yes" so I will know (couldn't blame him if it was the latter, who would want to stay involved with a needy woman trapped in a FW relationship) Have had no response as yet and I sent that yesterday . There have been times recently I have just laid on the bed upstairs after putting kids to bed as felt so ill sad and bloody FW then appears trying to curl up behind me grope me saying sex will make me feel better (not with him it won't) He also says if I come back into the bed shag him he can make everything change and we will be happy again. Errrr no thanks.

He was also away with work overnight last night, I was really looking forward to it, proper sleep in a bed etc but DC had a total meltdown both screaming for him most of the night Makes me doubt I can ever leave here if they are like that for one night, most nights when hes gone awol boozing they don't even know hes not here as I cover for him so are fine but last night was so strange and made me think they hate being with just me Today now a house has become available, right area, top of my budget....normally I would jump at it and be straight onto the agent but something is stopping me...last night with DC just spooked me and what I would have to deal with when alone with them and if they would actually hate it just the three of us. He is due back within the next hour or so and I am dreading it. Had planned to get loads of stuff out to my storage place too whilst he was away yesterday and today and haven't done anything but deal with tantrums and myself being ill and grief stricken so just feel like I'm stuck....trapped.....in my black hole of hell

Sorry for such a long mammoth post...verbal diarrhoea or what!

Thinking of you all x

How about a spiral perm, mink? I used to have one of those, when I was about 16, I loved it but, really, it was not a good look for me! and neither was the bleached blonde, the jet black, or the pink

Seriously, go for the ruby colour, if you'll feel better with it like that. It's about you, not anyone else.

Jayho, sorry to hear about your child. It sounds like they've made great steps towards moving forwards. I guess WA will probably already have given this advice (and I think it's on their website), but sorting out some independent finances, if not already available, copying or storing any vital documents (copies of mortgage statements, bank statements), hiding passports etc in an emergency bag with some spare clothes. If you are helping them, you could perhaps store an emergency bag and any documents etc. Inform the school/nursery of any problems/issues maybe, and anyone else - doctor, health visitor. Can't think of anything else right now, but will post again if I come up with anything else.

Maggie - flu, urrrrrgh. You have so much to deal with, without that. Don't beat yourself up about not getting done what you'd planned, sometimes RL gets in the way. And about the DC kicking off last night, my thought is that their reaction had v v little to do with FW at all. I think they are reacting to you, how ill you are, how sad you are - they can pick up stuff, and they are just using 'Daddy being not here' to try and explain to themselves why they feel bad, and to get the bad feeling out.
You could manage with the two of them on your own - you do, anyway, and you would feel so much better in yourself, that would make a world of difference to you and to them. If mum isn't happy, neither are the kids. I'm not saying it would be a picnic all the time, there are times here when I'm just exhausted and floored. But I still don't feel as bad as I did when I felt exhausted and floored and scared and upset and worried and anxious and all the rest, when we were still at home.
Think about the house. Think about how you'd feel being there and not on the sofa. You need to get out, for your safety and sanity, and that of your lovely kids. So if it's not this place it has to be somewhere else. Maybe this house isn't right for you, maybe it is - its hard to know for certain with these things. But think about it.
Sending you hugs and soothing thoughts, my lovey.

Thank you Pony sniff sniff (from tears not flu) xx

Jayho agree with everything Pony said, sorry I must have xposted as only seen your post now. Take care.

Mink I would love to just shave my whole long barnet off if I had the guts britney style so not the best to give advice! I've gone a bit george lamb the last few weeks, time for a colour touch up me thinks!

pony spiral perm. yeah me too. and the jet black made me look like Elvis;-)

And the time my lovely previous ex drew flame shapes on my head because he was going to shave round them, made a mess if it had to shave my head all over the pen didn't come off and i had to start a new job with pen showing through a crew cut.

Maggie it's not raining but pouring and the flu will weaken you resolve but i think in the long term the kids will thank for securing your and their safety and happiness when you are feeling better.

Maggie i had a skinhead (without pen) on and off for years. people kept calling me son.
Was snogging aforementioned lovely ex in a pub and heard the bar man say 'is that 2 blokes snogging?' barmaid 'no one of them is a girl' 'which one?' 'eh, the one without the beard'

So all in all i think shaved bonce would greatly increase chances of long term singleness.