The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Kicking The Wine Witch Into Touch!

[Mouseface]

Hello, I'm Mouse

Welcome to the Bus. We're a group of posters who have been on a journey to here, there and everywhere when it comes to alcohol and the abusing of it.

Some of us drink, some of us don't at all and some of us are trying to get there, really trying to just stop the cycle, break the habit and calm everything down. Some of us are desperate to not be 'that' person anymore.

One Day At A Time or ODAAT.

So what have you got to lose? Weight? Saggy, puffy eyes each morning? False friends? The risk of cancers and other fatal illnesses......... why not join us?

We have a resident MonsterCat, Wolf called Seth and Squid called Barry (best not to ask about Barry! )

And, if you want to see where we've been so far, the links below will show you. The first ever thread is the best by far, because the OP is just like you. And me.

FIRST EVER THREAD

PREVIOUS THREAD

well obviously across the driveway!!

thinking of you and nemo xx

I won't pretend that I haven't drunk tonight.

My kids are back tomorrow, so I see it as the last chance I have.

I WILL give up tomorrow.

Hi embrace. Once you've worked out the logic thing can you tell the rest of us? There is no logic, that's what makes it so hard to fight. You have done the only logical thing you can do and come here to share with people who understand. You are most welcome

Thanks ma

I really hope and pray I can finally stop drinking, because I know the only way is down.

Sorry struggling to keep up with things

Oh and although i don't really have boobs worthy of discussion I second whoever mentioned sainsbury's bras. Very comfy and good fit.

Welcome embrace and well done for being brave and posting your story. It can be very hard to see it all written down, but you've made the first step!

thurso no I don't work in London, but all the roads near the hospital are no parking. I still haven't read the note, but DH says it asked (This is a Polite Notice ) me not to park there because it inconvenienced visitors. We've agreed I'm going to look for a driveway to rent - that's what a lot of staff do.

DH got just as cross as me, which made me feel better because it made me think my feelings were normal. I don't know why it needs someone else to validate my emotions though

thurso lovely to see you posting - I've been horrifically busy, so although I read almost every post on here, I don't always have time to reply. I always know what's going on though

mouse it sounds so tough for you and little nemo, however the two of you are so, so close, that I can only imagine that what you're going through will help both of you. You were all traumatised by what he went through (sometimes being the observer is as traumatic as being involved), and I sense that sometimes your own shock and trauma are brought back into sharp focus because of your acute awareness of nemo's distress. So I think that as you revisit it and write it down for the cranial osteopath, you will find the process in itself healing for you (and that because of your strong, strong connection with nemo, that your recovery will help to alleviate his trauma.) And then as the cranial osteopath works gently with him, nemo's recovery will help to heal you. Does that make any sense?

Apologies to all, for going all 'woo' x

Hi embrace good on you for writing that first post. I could have written your post and for ten years that was my life. The only thing was I chose to ignore the warnings and as a result my drinking became progressively worse. One bottle became two then three and then vodka was added to the mix to keep me topped up. The last three years have been hell I lost a good job twice and managed to get my son and home back by the skin of my teeth. I was full of fear and anxiety and I thought that I needed the drink because my life was so shit. Well duh it was the drink that causes the misery and the fear.... I know that now and making the decision to completely abstain has been the best thing I have done in my adult life. I'm only 108 days in but my life has changed immesurably and for the first time in ages I have hope.

Drinking the way you are will get progressively worse if you don't do something about it. I'd hate you to go down the road I did. This bus and all who ride in her are fantastic. You can do this one day at a time xxx

Epic fail tonight, first time this year that I've just wantonly drunk white wine. Two of my best friends told me to. WTF is that about?

Mouse hope things can improve for Nemo.

Embrace welcome.
Joey Fuck 'em!! Park where the fuck you like if it's free parking!

Sorry not to namecheck anyone else - I'm typing with one eye open.

mia yeah that's what my DH says! But I can't bear confrontation, it doesn't do my tiny brain any good .

It sounds like you drank because your friends 'told you to', so you felt absolved of the responsibility ?

huey only 108 days in? ONLY 108 days ?! FFS, would you listen to yourself? That's

Hi babes
I have a toddler dangling off my arm and he won't leave me alone until I put a smiley face up sheeeeesh!

Just wanted to say Hi and stay strong lovely babes

I've been feeling really low, we've all had flu and guess who got the job of looking after everyone else? And I'm out of work and really, really broke.
Right big whinge over,I'm rubbish at being ill is makes me sad and anxious but I'm beginning to feel better so my mood is lifting.

I'm stayed off the booze and 'fessed up last night at my aa meet that being ill was a massive trigger for me. You know when you feel out of it anyway so you might as well follow that lemsip down with a bottle of red?
And evryone knew exactly what I meant So I've stayed sober. It hasn't been fun but I'm ok and things are improving. There really isn't a situation that will be helped by me being plastered and I will get well quicker because I'm not full of booze.

Sorry for the me,me.me post but the toddler dangling off me really isn't helping.....! adorable though.

I'm annoyed at myself drank day 4 and 5 back to square one I'm a useless excuse of a mother y do I keep doing this

You are not a useless and you are not alone. I'm at the very beginning of my journey and I'm sure there are ups and downs for everyone. You are here, so clearly you are trying to do something positive about your drinking. More experienced Battle Bus travellers will be along shortly, but I'm here in the meantime.

Morning All!

joey just ignore the note, keep on parking there, keep all notes that are left and when you've got maybe 6 of them, phone the local community police and say you are being harrassed. That stops them in their tracks. I had the same thing done to me with stickers on my car window time after time, so I reported them for harrassment. Soon stopped. You wouldn't have to confront the note leaver either.

mouse ah, bless. A huge hug for you. It's distressing having to go back and almost relive those times which were shocking and scary. I second what venus said.

embrace I hear ya. My story is a couple of pages back. I was ashamed of seeing my story set out in black and white - made it all the more real....

Tis Day 1 again for you. You're not useless! Just keep getting back on that horse! You'll do it eventually.... {hug}

Well, it's Day 11 for me and £84 saved. 11 hangovers or "not quite hangovers" saved. 11 days' worth of grumpiness saved. Expensive carbohydrate £4 breakfasts saved. Last night was a bit tough. The open bottle was there. But I promised myself yesterday morning that I wouldn't drink. So I didn't. 11 wakings at 2 or 3am with the terror of staring into the abyss saved. 11 days of wondering what the hell I'm going to do about our finances saved. 11 days of fear of turning out like my mum saved.

I'm still exhausted though. I get up in the mornings feeling like I need another 2 hours sleep. How long til this passes?

Sorry. Another me. me. me. post and I feel a bit bad about that but I don't have anyone irl to unload on....

Well done on 11 days lemon so day one for me again today I will not be drinking x

Morning, tis me, Mouse

Joey - don't flame me for this BUT...... maybe the person who put the note on your car has a sick/invalid/housebound person living there and has asked because they get daily or regular visitors (carers, nurses etc) coming to the house to care for them?

If it's a public highway, then you can park where you like and you've said you're not blocking anyone in/out so I'm a bit pissed off that they've not justified their polite notice.

That said, they SHOULD INFORM YOU of that being the case. When Nemo was first born, we were advised by the police and council that we should put "Access Required At ALL TIMES Due To Medical Emergency" signs up to try and stop people blocking the driveway because we really did need 24hr access to get out and get him to the hospital because of his heart condition. We'd get him there quicker than an ambulance because of us being rural.

Not the same but we are near a post office so people would dump their cars across or even UP OUR DRIVE!!! I used to get fricking livid!

Lots of people rent their driveways out, sounds like a much less hassle option sweets xx

venus - I do know what you mean but I'm scared that I will go the other way too. I'm scared that once I start writing this all out again, I'll break down. It's taken me so long to put even the smallest parts of that day and the events, arguments, accusations, after into a box and shut it tightly away that I suppose I'm scared of what will happen once it comes out again.

DH was here, at home at the time with DD. I had to phone him and tell him that they'd told me to expect the worst outcome as he was critically ill by then. All because they didn't listen to me. His own mother. I told them all day he was ill, something wasn't right. DH was so helpless, more so than me because he couldn't see Nemo, he was here. Stuck. That makes me cry, knowing that he was so limited. He had no words, he could hardly breathe when I told him.

The thing is, and this is going to sound awful, and I'm sorry but at times it seems like it's always me that deals with appointments, doctors, follow ups, everything. It's always my plate and I'm scared that once I open this up again, I'll be no good to DD, or DH or myself. I don't want it to drain the FIGHT I have left in me IYKWIM?

I hope that this lady can handle the emotions that will come out of me too ........ I do think she can help, she knew a lot when we spoke about how he behaved, without any prior info. I need to trust her. That's where I'm going to start, to trust her and see where we go from there.

We're seeing her a week today. Thank you lovely venus, as always you seem to know me inside out. Your words mean so much to me and will keep me sober, I know that for sure. I can't do this pissed or hungover. I have to be 100% focused so that Nemo gets 100% help.

He's brighter today so we're off to school for a half day later.

Lemony - you have me, you have US, you HAVE THIS BUS!! And you have 11 days under your belt that 11 days ago you'd have thought impossible. Well done you. Keep going brave babe! And thank you also for your kind words xx

MyTime - day 1? Good for you! Better than thinking feck it, I drank last night, it's mid week and I might as well give up until Monday. Welcome to Day 1 xx

Gugg - sorry to read that you guys have been ill and have money worries, life can be so shit. Can you work or do you need to be at home? Sorry to pry, how about an evening job when your DP/H gets home? Not ideal but maybe something to keep you going for a while?

Massive hugs lovely. Why do the nice people get shat on? xx

HUEY - STOP SAYING ONLY FFS WOMAN! Onlysmonly! 108 days is awesome. Well done you! That is truly amazing and something you never thought you'd do either I bet. Go you! xx

Mia - it sounds as though you wanted to drink and just needed a green light? Sorry if that sounds heartless but you are worth more than that. What do you think was your trigger? Because you could? xx

Morning brave babes! Day 10 here and all is well :)

mouse I don't know nemos story but you sound amazing. It's very positive to think about how being sober he's you give him 100% :)

mytime I did EXACTLY the same last time I stopped. A few days in I cracked and had a bottle of red. But I started at day 1 again the next day and its been easier this time.

huey 108 days - WOWZERS!!!!! I can't imagine ever getting there...massive well done!!!

gugg sorry you're feeling low:(

Can I ask anyone else on anti-ds whether you've dropped your dose since stopping drinking? I'm feeling amazingly "up" - I know part of it is the elation of feeling in control but I'm wondering whether the alcohol was negating some of the effect of the anti-depressant, so maybe I could drop my dose slightly...... Has anyone BTDT?

Have a great day babes xxx

mouse Yes, you do have to trust the cranial osteopath (a little a first, and then more as things go on), and you also have to trust yourself, and trust your gorgeous nemo, and trust the wonderful connection that you have between you.

I know exactly what you mean about putting things away in a mental box - it's part of how we cope with traumatic events and continue to function. But sometimes I find I put things away in a big box, seal it shut and label it with a big black label VERY SCARY THINGS. Every time I look at the box even out of the corner of my eye, I see that big black warning, and it makes me feel even more scared about what is in there. Then actually when I open the box, guess what, it's not quite so awful as I had imagined. Desperately sad - yes, angry and hurt - yes, guilt for what I've done or not done - yes, but never quite so awful as my fear of going near the box in the first place.

Is there anyone else who can support you as you go through this - a counsellor, or nemo's nurse, or your gp or someone you trust? I think that if you're taking these steps it's because you know that you are strong enough to deal with it all, but sometimes it's nice to have a safety net (or two). Perhaps you could write down all the different support that's available - including Samaritans, and of course including us .

Oh, and I bet you will find that a big bottle of vodka is not on the list of helpful support. The wine, the vodka, that was part of your initial coping (even if it was a bit flawed). You can remember when you thought you couldn't deal with any of your day to day life without drinking. But you have. And you will. xxx

and mouse people sometimes break down because they don't open the scary box, and eventually their heads can't cope with it. By opening it you can let your emotions react as they should rather than stifling them. Cry and cry and cry for the sadness, shout and roar and bang things around for the anger you feel about other people, and maybe yourself, acknowledge the fear you had at the time, and recognise any feelings of guilt, and mis-placed guilt. And also look for the hope and the love that has sustained you all, notice the years of determination and tenacity that has brought you and nemo and your dh and your dd to the safe place you are today. Recognise the deep bonds between all of you that remain despite the though emotional time, despite physical pain, despite the disruption of work in your house, despite teenage hormones. And most of all celebrate the enormous progress that nemo has made - from a tiny, desperately ill infant, into a beautiful, developing, communicating boy. Celebrate each precious day that has rolled into years, and see the wonderful part that you have played in making that happen.

Morning brave babes. I am so annoyed with myself because I found a wonderful thing on the internet, a quote from someone who has given up drinking, about it usually NOT being a case of giving up and never drinking again. Most people trying to beat the booze have slip ups, fall off the wagon/bus, don't do the "giving up" part perfectly. But one's attitude to these is the most crucial thing and it is so unhelpful to think you have failed. What you have actually done is had 1,2, 5, 10, 20, 100 (whatever) days sober and that has done you good, has improved your health, has given you a taste of a sober life and if you can keep the faith then you will get there in the end.

Anyway, I'm annoyed with self because I can't remember who said it or where I read it! (was not drunk, did not drink yesterday). Aaarrrgghhh.

Oooh it's busy on the Bus today!

thisis you are NOT useless, this is an addiction and you are trying hard to beat it. Every time you fall off the Bus and have to climb back on it gets easier.

mouse no offence taken - I can fully understand if they do need that space for a health visitor or something. Although I don't park outside the same house every day, and never block anyone in. But I don't want to risk the harassment, I get anxious enough as it is. I've found (hopefully) somewhere to rent, 2 possibles and an almost-definitely-maybe

mouse Venus is right about you getting some support, it sounds almost like you have PTSD ?

guggs hope you're starting to feel better now?

alias, will your rented driveway mean you don't have to walk so far?

Took the very brave step of leaving the house today. for about half an hour, in the car. Wiped me out. I am not better.

Mouse, I don't know what happened with Nemo, but take care of yourself unpacking all this