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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

No I don,t want to sleep with your husband

204 replies

bongobaby · 22/01/2013 17:15

Apparently its ok by his wife that he is asking to sleep with me WTF I am so fucking angry. NO NO NO its not going to happen I,m pissed off bigtime at the pair of them.

OP posts:
Original poster
bongobaby · 23/01/2013 13:04

I,m with cogito on this. But they didn,t pre-arrange anything on your behalf. They did as they had a conversation between the two of them. Yes its also the false pretences that freaks me out on this aswell.

OP posts:
hopkinette · 23/01/2013 13:22

I don't understand why you are so outraged by the conversation.

Whocansay · 23/01/2013 13:23

I stick by what I said. He came round with the expectation of sex. Nothing to do with building bridges after a falling out. I suspect there wasn't a recent conversation with the wife either. Its all fucking creepy.

I would block all future contact. He clearly has no idea about appropriate boundaries.

50shadesofmeh · 23/01/2013 13:25

I think it's a disgusting position to put someone in in their own home , I'd feel very vulnerable and upset that someone thought it was ok to use my friendship to try and cross that boundary.

I'm no prude nor do I just like " vanilla sex" but I think it's a disgrace some of you are suggesting the op is somehow a prude for not thinking of shagging everyone she has a friendship with.

Whocansay · 23/01/2013 13:25

Hopkinette - would you really feel comfortable about a friend's husband propositioning you when you're alone with him in your house? Really?

MadBusLady · 23/01/2013 13:27

I think it's a disgrace some of you are suggesting the op is somehow a prude for not thinking of shagging everyone she has a friendship with.

Or at least it would be a disgrace if anyone was actually suggesting that. Hmm

50shadesofmeh · 23/01/2013 13:27

Seriously do swingers think they have the right to go around propositioning people?

Whocansay · 23/01/2013 13:28

If the fact that I don't want to fuck someone else's husband means I have vanilla sex, then yes I have vanilla sex. So shoot me!

50shadesofmeh · 23/01/2013 13:28

It was implied madbus .

MadBusLady · 23/01/2013 13:33

Where? Several people have repeated till they're blue in the face that they understand why the OP is freaked out by the manner of his approach, AND that they understand why the OP wants to cool the friendship. They just don't particularly see why this has to be expressed with all this shrieking of "pimp" and "pervert" and "nasty people!" and "you must all be closet swingers because you disagree!" and the like. Especially when accompanied by a forlorn and pointless "...but whatever floats your boat" pretence.

Nobody has suggested that she should have said yes. Confused

Original poster
bongobaby · 23/01/2013 13:39

madbus The Husband told me to my face that he wants me and him to sleep together.
I don,t understand the flack directed at my post from a few op saying that this is in anyway acceptable and why I am so outraged by the conversatio/suggestion. Bottom line is I don,t fuck other peoples Husbands permission from the wife or not. like I said before just because I m single does not give carte blanche.... for me being up for it.....

OP posts:
Helltotheno · 23/01/2013 13:42

The only thing bad about his approach imo is that she hadn't spoken to the couple for some time, they had fallen out and the first thing he said when they spoke again was to proposition her, which is a bit ... arsey really, let's face it, for people who were supposed to have been friends previously. Also, it occurred to me that he was acting on his own, ie maybe the wife had nothing to do with his approach and didn't even know about it?

But the OP is still overreacting to the proposition because really it wouldn't matter if he was a single man, a married man, a lesbian woman (married or not)... a proposition is a proposition is a proposition, it doesn't matter who makes it, as long as it's just words and nothing else, it's just that! So the answer is either a No or a Yes and then just move along. If he'd been a single hot man, would you be reacting like that OP? Cos the principle is the same...

So your learning on this should be: don't be wishy washy, they told you what they were into, you didn't tell them your weren't into it. You could have stated that very clearly. So you'll know better next time OP.

hopkinette · 23/01/2013 13:43

Whocansay - if a man SIMPLY MENTIONED that he wanted to have sex with me I would be surprised and think he had shit taste, but it would not make me feel afraid, threatened or outraged. It wouldn't make me cry for hours and I wouldn't post on a forum about how shaken and furious I was.

Original poster
bongobaby · 23/01/2013 13:50

The wife did have full knowledge of this approach. I have the right to feel comfortable in my own home with what I thought was a friend. Its up to me if I do/ don,t want to discuss my sex life with people. I chose not to, they chose to tell me what they do. wishy washy is part of my personality im only human.

OP posts:
Whocansay · 23/01/2013 13:52

Hopkinette - we'll have to agree to disagree. I would feel incredibly threatened if some bloke propositioned me out of the blue when I was alone with him in my house. I wouldn't cry for hours, no, but I'd want him away from me and out of my house immediately.

If it happens though, I shall post Wink
goes out to look for pampas grass

Original poster
bongobaby · 23/01/2013 13:54

Didn,t feel afraid,threatened felt uncomfortable in my home and outraged because he only came for a chat and then all of a sudden he throws i,d like to shag you into the mix whoa steady on chap!!! Think your forgetting this is someones husband.... Marriage is two people and not your mate a third for a thrill....

OP posts:
Original poster
bongobaby · 23/01/2013 13:57

The crying thing bit much on my part guess it was because I thought we were friends and a combination of being due on.

OP posts:
50shadesofmeh · 23/01/2013 14:02

I'd cry to be honest, it would likely make me feel pretty cheap that because I'm a single woman I got singled out for this shit.
I don't care how liberal and laid back people are about their sex lives they have no need to involve other people in their activities, advertise in a mag or something maybe but not approach friends , it's just disrespectful.

Helltotheno · 23/01/2013 14:08

Marriage is two people and not your mate a third for a thrill....

It depends whose marriage it is.. the trick is not to speak for everyone when you don't know everyone, just stick with what suits you and you'll be fine :)

Sorry, still don't understand the outrage. I'd more readily understand threatened tbh, but you're saying you didn't feel threatened cos obviously he wasn't being threatening..

I think chalk it up to experience OP. You live and learn eh.

Original poster
bongobaby · 23/01/2013 14:09

50 thankyou .I must admit that thought did cross my mind of feeling cheap and that I should think myself flattered is some op opioins here. It is disrepectful what they pair of them have done. Even if the wife had the balls to speak with me herself on this I would tell her NO. It,s the fact that she has been underhanded in this whole thing. I don,t care that they are liberal with their sex lives, their buisness and floats their boat whatever. (got flamed for that) but just don,t involve me in it some op have been very harsh.

OP posts:
PoshCat · 23/01/2013 14:16

Look for all woman and her husband knew, you might have been keen.
How are they going to know unless they ask?

You're not interested. Fair enough. What's the big deal?

Whocansay · 23/01/2013 14:23

Bongo, I have no idea how I'd react if this actually happened to me, so don't apologise for being upset. Everyone reponds to these things in their own way. I think anyone who would feel flattered by this must have massively low self esteem.

Hope you're feeling better now anyway Smile

Original poster
bongobaby · 23/01/2013 14:23

Big deal is, are you being serious poshcat?

OP posts:
hopkinette · 23/01/2013 14:27

Why would Poshcat not be serious?

How are these people supposed to find out if someone's interested if they don't
ask them?

50shadesofmeh · 23/01/2013 14:28

To suggest women should be flattered by any sexual attention they get is a pretty misogynistic attitude, I think that's why it bothers me so much.