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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So, my husband and best friend has decided he no longer loves me...

301 replies

Beckett3 · 22/01/2013 02:56

and I'm lost.

We've been together almost 16 years, he's the only man I've ever loved and I love him so much.

We have 3 children and I'm 3 months pregnant with a baby he wanted. The stress this poor baby has been through recently Sad what with my dad having a heart attack just 3 weeks ago too.

I keep trying to hate him, I realise he's given up without trying as his falling out of love with me coincides with him joining a dating site and meeting someone else on it.

My eldest (14) knows and it's destroyed her, I am absolutely dreading us telling my other 2, especially my 10 year old son as he's so sensitive.

I can't help but think of all the little things that I'll never share with him again because he really was my best friend.

Please if anyone recognises me from any of this, could you keep the pregnancy bit quiet, I have had an early scan due to a history of miscarriages but my next one isn't until I guess tomorrow now and I've only told 2 other people apart from H.

OP posts:
constantnamechanger · 22/01/2013 03:05

I dont recognise you, but I wanted to send you some love and gentle hugs, I know it doesnt seem like it - but you can and will get through this and DH - he is a selfish twat and I wouldnt be at all surprised if he is back tail between his legs shortly.

alphabetspaghetti · 22/01/2013 03:35

I'm so sorry. Please just focus on the wellbeing of yourself, your unborn child and the dc`s.

Do you have any support?

ErikNorseman · 22/01/2013 05:03

He hasn't 'fallen out of love with you' then he has cheated on you, which has made him think he has. What a turd :( when you are pregnant with a planned baby? Joining a dating site - what on earth was he thinking? I'm really sorry this has happened to you. He's not behaving like a good man at all.

akaemmafrost · 22/01/2013 05:11

Ask for this to be moved to Relationships. You will get great advice and support there. Including information on The Script your H is currently following due to the fact that he is cheating. He HAS to tell you he doesn't love you because if he didn't then he would just be a selfish arsehole, conducting a seedy affair, who left his pregnant wife and three children ...........oh wait! Angry. It has to be somehow made to be your fault so he can keep justifying running away from his life and responsibilities.

I hope all goes well with your scan, just try to focus on that for now .

munchkinmaster · 22/01/2013 05:13

I'm so sorry and angry on your behalf. He does not deserve you.

AloeSailor · 22/01/2013 05:14

What a bastard. You deserve so much better.

PenguinBear · 22/01/2013 05:56

He sounds like a right whatsit!

Your DC will be fine. If you're not sure how to tell them, there is some great advice on sites like ours! This is in the site as opposed to people's opinions!

mumsnet advice

Another good site, here

CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/01/2013 08:23

Please get yourself some RL support from friends, family and professionals. Has he left the family home yet?

NoelHeadbands · 22/01/2013 08:25

I'm so sorry, what a shit

Original poster
Beckett3 · 22/01/2013 09:10

Thank you all for the words of support Thanks

I do have a couple of friends I have been talking to and of course my parents, who are all really trying to help while in complete disbelief that he would do this.

Another difficult aspect of all this is, I don't drive, we live 2 miles from the nearest bus stop and there's absolutely no paths for the whole 2 miles. 1 friend lives too far away to help, the other works all hours, and my dad can't drive for another 2 weeks due to the heart attack, how do I not rely on him for the next 2 weeks?

My son had an allergic reaction and needs to go to the doctors this morning, I've had to call him and I hate it.

OP posts:
BupcakesAndCunting · 22/01/2013 09:39

What a rotten situation for you, Beckett. I am really sorry that you've found yourself here Thanks

However, as a stranger who is able to comment on this impartially, he sounds like a right fucking tool. He has decided to end your relationship when you are probably at a vulnerable point in your life and from what you say, there is likely another woman involved. Well, what a bastard. Angry I suspect that your sadness will turn to anger and that is when you can start making progress.

Do not feel badly for needing to contact him regarding the children. They are his children, too. He owes them. You are not relying on him. He has a duty to help in the care of his children. And make sure he knows this.

Original poster
Beckett3 · 22/01/2013 13:10

Well I don't think he's met up with or 'been' with anyone else, but has been messaging quite graphic material, I asked him to be honest with me and that's what he said, I needed to know because if he's been sleeping around I would want to go get checked out and I'm 100% certain he wouldn't risk my health or that of the babies.

He is an arsehole he says he's felt like this for months, I've only noticed things being 'different' since just before the new year.

We're telling the younger 2 this afternoon, I can't lie or pretend to them anymore.

H wants us to be friends, thought I'd give it a go for a little while after he dropped us off from the doctors and my eldest has just told
me she feels better already after watching us still get on, which is great, if that's what it takes to help them get through this, but am I letting him off too easily?

I just have no idea what I'm doing Sad

OP posts:
NotEnoughTime · 22/01/2013 13:17

Hi Beckett3

Just wanted to offer my advice-feel free to ignore.

Please do NOT BE FRIENDS with this pigman. Obviously you will have to be civil to him (for the childrens sake not his) but that is all. After the disgusting way he has treated you he deserves nothing more.

Best of luck with your new baby and other children Thanks for you

MrsTomHardy · 22/01/2013 13:45

I agree be civil in front of the children for their sake but not for his...he truly wants it all his own way doesn't he?? What an arsehole....don't make this easy for him either!

FairPhyllis · 22/01/2013 14:07

Hi OP. Take this over to Relationships - there are lots of women who have been in the same position as you and will give good advice.

He is pretending that there have been relationship problems for a while so he can justify his behaviour to himself. This is part of the script.

The single most effective thing you can do right now is to make him leave the home and make him realise he cannot have the comforts of home life while withdrawing from your relationship. It's incredibly cruel to tell you he is no longer in love with you and expect you to live with him. It will eat you up inside. Chuck him out and get taxis everywhere if you have to.

Original poster
Beckett3 · 22/01/2013 14:22

Oh he's not living here, he was gone the moment I found out and yes I hate him for giving up on the last 16 years, for breaking mine and my children's hearts, for willingly doing this to us.

I feel sick at the thought of telling them in a little while, but if being friendly makes the children feel better, is that not a good thing?

OP posts:
FairPhyllis · 22/01/2013 14:30

You should try to have a civil co-parenting relationship - and make sure he steps up and does his fair share - you will need time to yourself to rebuild your life. But you don't owe him friendship.

I am so so sorry for your children. Would it be possible for him to be there and tell them? Might make him face up to the reality of what he has done.

Really recommend going over to relationships. You can do it by reporting your thread and asking for it to be moved.

Shodan · 22/01/2013 14:33

What a shitty, shitty piece of work he is.

You don't need to be friendly (it won't make the children feel better anyway)- civility is all you need. Of course he wants to be friends- that's just so he can tell himself that what he's done isn't that bad, that you were 'more like friends anyway', that he hasn't hurt you and the DC deliberately and cruelly. He doesn't deserve your friendship- he forfeited that expectation the moment he opened his selfish gob and turned your and your DC's world upside down and inside out.

Look after yourself and start building up your defences (physical, mental and emotional) against him. You will be fine.

TroublesomeEx · 22/01/2013 14:52

This was me 10 weeks ago (minus the pregnancy).

As predicted by many people he did have someone else and it wasn't just the dating site that was the problem.

And also as predicted by many, he was back after 6 weeks in tears crying and begging me to take him back, desperate to be friends at least...

I told him I was just embarrassed that I'd married someone so lacking in imagination that strangers on the internet accurately predicted everything he went on to say/do/reveal.

My ex was also my best friend and the only person I'd ever really trusted.

He's had a breakdown and is now in counselling because he can't cope with what he's done. He misses his children, claims to miss me, has lost respect at work, is back living with his parents...

Me? Well I have a few weeks of hell where (as also predicted by people on here) I cried on the school secretary, my friend's dad, the GP (three times in a month), someone who runs an activity my son attends...

But now? Well I'm applying for new jobs, I've forced myself to make some friends, I go out a couple of times a week. I really enjoy the time I spend alone when the children are with their dad and I'm starting to make plans for the future.

It's early days and there are still days I when I feel like I can't face getting up and I'm terribly sad and lonely. But most of the time, I'm fine.

I found it easier to do the 'being friends' bit to begin with but now, I'm content with being civil. He isn't the person I married, or the person I thought he was, or the person I was friends with at school. He spent a lot of time saying "but you know me. You've known me for 20 years. You know the sort of person I am" and I just had to tell him that I had thought I did, but I was clearly wrong because the person I'd been friends with at school and the person I'd married would have never done this.

And the children?

Well the children miss the dad they had, but my eldest (14) is very unforgiving. And the 3 of us are now a team. A team that no one, but no one will ever hurt again.

Good luck. x

Xales · 22/01/2013 18:13

Don't leave your health to trust.

Get to a STI clinic and get a full check up for your own piece of mind.

mummytowillow · 22/01/2013 18:22

My now ex husband did this. Told me he didn't love me on Boxing Day, and went to his new girlfriend i found out later! He made out it was all my fault to make him look better to everyone.

Our daughter was only 16 month old and I was distraught. BUT you will get through this eventually, take care of your baby and your family

Big hugs sent your way xx

ZZZenAgain · 22/01/2013 18:36

I'm sorry, what a horrible situation for you to be in. Have you spoken to the younger dc and are they alright?

It is very difficult for you that on top of this you still have to be dependent on him for transport. With the nearest bus-stop 2 miles away, you'll have to get a driving licence and a car as soon as you reasonably can. When your father is feeling better, perhaps he would spend some time helping you practice driving to build up some confidence. Are there neighbours around who you could turn to for help in the meantime if you need transport so you don't have to call him?

Astley · 22/01/2013 18:40

You poor poor thing. Please try and stay as calm as you can (easier said than done I know) for the sake of your little baby.

Being friendly is best for the children, there is no doubt about that at all. However, being friendly does not mean letting him think what he has done is ok.

fishandlilacs · 22/01/2013 18:43

I am so sorry. Get over to relationships, theres some fabulous advice on there.

These threads are so prevalent, makes me feel quite depressed. Is happy long marriage an unattainable goal these days?

Original poster
Beckett3 · 23/01/2013 04:40

The hatred I feel for him right now is astounding, he came back sat with me to tell the youngest 2, broke their hearts, gave it an hour and a half, then buggered off.

I was and still am dealing with the real fallout. My youngest who's 6 has taken it the hardest, keeps asking me "why did he have to leave?" and actually came out with the words, in-between sobs "I can't live like this".

We're all currently in my bed, I tried to get them to talk to me about things they're now afraid might happen and then to try to help, things they can now look forward to doing.

I do now have plans in place to start learning to drive and my dad can
start driving again next Friday.

He's taking me to the scan in a little bit, but doesn't want to go in, obviously that would make things a little too real for him and everything he's done over the last couple of days has been so incredibly selfish.

Something that seems to be difficult for me to get my head around is, I spend every second, every fibre if my being trying to make sure nothing hurts my children, protecting them with everything I have, and I had to watch someone who says he loves them, hurt them more than anything else ever could!

OP posts: