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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So, my husband and best friend has decided he no longer loves me...

301 replies

Beckett3 · 22/01/2013 02:56

and I'm lost.

We've been together almost 16 years, he's the only man I've ever loved and I love him so much.

We have 3 children and I'm 3 months pregnant with a baby he wanted. The stress this poor baby has been through recently Sad what with my dad having a heart attack just 3 weeks ago too.

I keep trying to hate him, I realise he's given up without trying as his falling out of love with me coincides with him joining a dating site and meeting someone else on it.

My eldest (14) knows and it's destroyed her, I am absolutely dreading us telling my other 2, especially my 10 year old son as he's so sensitive.

I can't help but think of all the little things that I'll never share with him again because he really was my best friend.

Please if anyone recognises me from any of this, could you keep the pregnancy bit quiet, I have had an early scan due to a history of miscarriages but my next one isn't until I guess tomorrow now and I've only told 2 other people apart from H.

OP posts:
Dozer · 25/01/2013 06:57

So sorry, what horrible things he's done. Ignore anything negative he says about you, and his "reasons" for his actions, it's all bullshit. His choices, his weaknesses and selfishness, his fault.

Unfriend him in fb, then you won't have to see OW or anything about him. Better that way!

The financial stuff is urgent, you may be able to get benefits etc, don't put off investigating, and speaking to lawyers. If your H is in debt you want to make absolutely sure you're not liable.

With driving, really go for it with the lessons (or help from a friend if too expensive), or even move house? You'll need to be able to get everywhere yourself now.

With respect to your DD wanting you to be friends, you could tell her that you will be civil and discuss things to do with her and her siblings with their dad, but that you cannot be friends with people who treat you so badly Sad

MadAboutHotChoc · 25/01/2013 07:02

How are you this morning OP?

Yes, you need to look after yourself and your DCs so do not blame you for ensuring that there is enough money to tide you all over.

I would do a search for Olgaga's posts about finances/access etc.

I would be the dignified injured wife - you do not want be to seen as the crazed ex wife that your poor H had to get away from.

Original poster
Beckett3 · 25/01/2013 08:28

Quich question I really hope someone can answer?
Car is mine, but in his name, he's refusing to give it back, is there anything I can do?

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 25/01/2013 08:33

You need to get legal advice about the car and other finance related stuff.

Bit drastic but if the car is really under your name, you can report the car as stolen to the police.

Original poster
Beckett3 · 25/01/2013 08:45

No the car is in his name, but my dad bought it for me.

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 25/01/2013 08:49

In that case you need to get legal advice - all assets will need to be split at least 50:50 anyway.

Astley · 25/01/2013 09:02

Do you have a mortgage or rent? The most important thing (after food) is to make sure there is enough money to cover either of those.

I can't believe he won't give your car back... His real colours are out now Hmm

sanityawol · 25/01/2013 09:17

So sorry you're going through this Beckett.

With regard to the car, the fact that the V5 (logbook) is not relevant. I don't have one to hand, but I'm fairly sure that the front of the V5 states that having the document is not proof of ownership - it just shows who is responsible for taxing it.

New normal is a good thing. I split with exH years ago. He has continued to be an irresponsible, selfish, unreliable liar. DD is a lovely, well balanced 11 year old despite this. Don't make them promises their father will not keep - and as shitty as it is, all you can do is pick up the pieces when he lets them down. It's very telling that DD is quite often 'too busy' to come to the phone when he deigns to call.

sanityawol · 25/01/2013 09:19

Sorry, should say the fact that the V5 is in his name

Skyebluesapphire · 25/01/2013 09:52

www.thamesvalley.police.uk/faq-answer?id=Q743

above link taken from a Police website, which shows that the registered keeper is not the owner.

perfectstorm · 25/01/2013 10:18

It's completely legal to remove any amount of money from a joint bank account. You could take it into overdraft and that would be legal if it was authorised, and he'd be just as liable as you for the debt. That's what a joint account means, it's irrelevant who pays in what. That can go against women with horrible exes but in this case it's just as well.

Have you contacted the CSA? 3 - soon to be 4 - kids will knock a sizeable chunk out of his salary, too. And her kids don't factor into that assessment at all.

Post a photo of the scan on his wall. It's his child too, and the OW deserves to see what she has done, frankly.

perfectstorm · 25/01/2013 10:19

No nasty comment or dig at all, though. That's counterproductive. Just the pic and "thought you might appreciate a copy" type thing. Dignified is better, especially as it also reminds mutual friends and acquaintances of exactly what he's doing (many, I suspect, will have no idea at all that you're pregnant).

TroublesomeEx · 25/01/2013 10:29

Hi

Hope you're ok today.

I agree. Be dignified. Perfectstorm is right.

ivanapoo · 25/01/2013 12:06

What a nasty piece of work. Why won't he give your car back? Would a word from your dad to him help?

I'm sorry, what a shit thing to go through.

I would definitely also advocate moving somewhere less remote eventually, even when you can drive, it can be quite isolating.

Best of luck, you and your kids will be better off in the long run x

Original poster
Beckett3 · 25/01/2013 12:12

He came round today, just left actually and I know that I've probably made a fair few mistakes with our conversation.

He's keeping the car for now but is going to give it back as soon as I need it, in the mean time I get full control of the bank accounts and any wages he gets and I only have to let him have the bare neccessity to get by on.

I don't know if I should have agreed to that or not, but I was so worried about money and how long certain benefits would take to come into effect that I did Sad

I did post a picture of the scan on Facebook, a friend then tagged him in it.

I also told him I was going to have a will drawn up before the c-section and want my dad to have full custody of the kids if anything happens and he agreed. We both know he could never be a full time dad.

When I woke up this morning (2.30), I was not doing well, but I feel stronger again now. Don't know how long that will last though Confused

OP posts:
ThePinkOcelot · 25/01/2013 12:48

Hi Beckett, have read all of your thread. So sorry you are going through this shit at the moment. I honestly can't believe how many shitty men there are actually living and breathing!
I will bet my life savings that that relationship will not last. How dare she say he can't have anything to do with you and he dare he agree to that. Stupid bastard!
You will be okay OP, and you will have the last laugh! Take care xx

TeaMakesItAllPossible · 25/01/2013 16:39

Who cares whether you make mistakes in the conversation - he will be kicking himself every time you talk too - at this stage they're highly charged conversations where emotions are dripping through every word and you are doing your best to protect interests associated with your immediate worries. Don't beat yourself up about it.

Well done you getting the money for this month. Of course, after he sees the reality of trying to live on the small amount next month might change - just be prepared for it.

Some of the benefits come through really quickly - others do take time.

The middle of the night is a lonely, scary time when you're going through what you are. I'm sorry you're going through this.

I'm really pleased that your DC are giving your pregnancy the attention and focus it deserves. I hope that this doesn't upset you but congratulations Thanks.

ShephardsDelight · 25/01/2013 16:50

Big hugs op, so sorry this is happening.
You did the right thing by making him leave, giving yourself some space.

Original poster
Beckett3 · 25/01/2013 20:16

Folkgirl, for some reason I'm unable to reply to your message.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beckett3 · 25/01/2013 20:29

Never mind, think I did it now.

He's just wrote a message on fb telling everyone that we've separated, and everyone's telling him that he was right to do what felt right etc, of course he conveniently left off that he cheated.

OP posts:
Astley · 25/01/2013 20:44

When he's just be tagged in a scan picture?! What sort of 'friends' does he have Shock

Original poster
Beckett3 · 25/01/2013 20:49

Also, although I've Put the money in another bank account that neither of us has cards for, I'm assuming he could go into a bank tomorrow and withdraw all of it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Beckett3 · 25/01/2013 20:51

He made all the right noises this morning but I guess that was just to get me to agree to him using the car. I now realise I can not believe anything he says, is this all part of the script too?

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 25/01/2013 20:52

If he is a signatory on the account he can withdraw the money anytime he likes. You can't prevent it.

Snazzynewyear · 25/01/2013 21:00

You need to put it in your own personal account to be sure. And Angry at the whole Facebook thing.