So, my husband and best friend has decided he no longer loves me...

[Beckett3]

and I'm lost.

We've been together almost 16 years, he's the only man I've ever loved and I love him so much.

We have 3 children and I'm 3 months pregnant with a baby he wanted. The stress this poor baby has been through recently what with my dad having a heart attack just 3 weeks ago too.

I keep trying to hate him, I realise he's given up without trying as his falling out of love with me coincides with him joining a dating site and meeting someone else on it.

My eldest (14) knows and it's destroyed her, I am absolutely dreading us telling my other 2, especially my 10 year old son as he's so sensitive.

I can't help but think of all the little things that I'll never share with him again because he really was my best friend.

Please if anyone recognises me from any of this, could you keep the pregnancy bit quiet, I have had an early scan due to a history of miscarriages but my next one isn't until I guess tomorrow now and I've only told 2 other people apart from H.

[duffybeatmetoit]

As you can see you are far from alone. I know the usual advice is to defriend DH on FB but I haven't as it has actually helped. I announced our separation in (even if I say so myself) a dignified manner restricting it to him admitting that he had never loved me and making no mention of the OW. I was overwhelmed by the messages of support which XH and his family saw. He couldn't argue with anything I had written and knew that I had been restrained. I know reading everyone's comments came as a shock to him and had far more impact than anything I could have said direct to him.

You're doing so well and you will get loads of support from the wonderful posters on MN.

[ivykaty44]

schmaltzing - it is correct, but when I asked about this I was told the results were for studies and not for me to get the results, so I would double check with your midwife

[Beckett3]

Reading my op is like reading the words of a stranger now, I know I felt like that then but it's feels so long ago.

He is continuing to tell lies on fb and every time I read them it makes me so angry that I most likely am going to block him on there, however would I be unreasonable to tell a few truths before I do? I will of course check with my eldest that she's ok with it and I wouldn't write anything she doesn't already know.

I can't get to the midwives until the week after next, I hope that's soon enough.

My dad is doing much better thank you perfectstorm, he's obviously frustrated that he can't help us much as the moment so is probably counting down the minutes until Friday!

[MadAboutHotChoc]

Very tempting it must be but please do not respond to him on FB. It will backfire and make you look like the crazy ex, adding to the drama that him and OW will get off on - the star crossed lovers against the whole world etc.

Block him and detach.

[perfectstorm]

Don't engage in FB games but do tell the people who matter to you so you and the dcs have plenty of RL support.

I agree. The only way Facebook may be useful is if you create a specific viewing list, just of the people you genuinely care for and want to know the truth, and write a simple, factual post of what happened without allowing yourself to lose temper/dignity, and that is easier than telling them individually, if you see what I mean. I found that easier when I lost a baby because facing people who didn't know, on an individual, real life basis, was too hard.

Of course he's going to lie. How can he admit to the truth? If he does he has to admit he's a creep. In a way, the lies just prove he knows what he's done is terribly, terribly wrong - or he wouldn't need to lie.

Glad your dad is coming on okay. xx

[zcos]

hi ... just caught up with thread ... I am not in your situation but experienced it from the other side as an 18 year old (my sister was 15) ... it was my mum that left after an affair for the other man although he changed his mind too and my parents eventually got back together after a year.
I think you are amazing being very strong and together I don't think I could be like that. I salute you.
re your daughter I would say try to ensure she doesn't think all men are untrustworthy scum! and try to involve her as much as you can re this new baby picking names etc as she will love it! she will be your lifelong friend! my mum is mine - once I got over the hurt. and the other advice I can give as a property lawyer is tempting as it may be DO NOT think about selling your house when pregnant... I saw someone had suggested this but its a lot of paperwork and stress (before the packing and moving itself) you definitely don't need that when pregnant.
please keep us updated it is so inspiring to see you handle this so positively you truly are some kind of superwoman!

[Beckett3]

Zcos you're superwoman comment just made me cry but in a good way!

You're right, I won't play his game and he will be blocked.

I don't own my own home, like I said we never had any money!

I will not be taking him back, for the first time in a long time I'm making decisions that I want to make, doing what I want to do and feel freer than i ever have and anyway, what kind of an example would that be to my children, he's behaved appallingly and been needlessly cruel, how could I ever take him back and let my children think that behaving like that is acceptable?

[Beckett3]

Your not you're

[Kaykat]

I too think you are amazing to be so level headed after such a big shock. He has messed with the wrong woman, he probably expected you to be falling at his feet begging him back to boost his ego even more. It took me five weeks to get to the point that you are already at - not blaming myself and realising that I didn't actually want him back.

Are you managing to eat ok?

[Beckett3]

Thank you Kaykat and everyone else that thinks I'm amazing, I promise I will try to believe it.

Eating isn't going well, even the thought of food makes me heave. I'm managing to force down most of a sandwich every day and most days I can take my vitamins without bringing them back up too.

[Mytimewillcomebutwhen]

Beckett, I've been lurking cos I'm not sure i have any advice that isn't being said elsewhere but I'm cheering you on... Not only are you feeling pg sick - which I know from experience is awful and leaves you feeling wrung out and grotty - but you're taking care of three children as well. That's enough ti be going on with, even without your Ex sodding off and broadcasting details to people on fb (a detail which sums up his appalling behaviour I feel - I mean - who does that?!) I agree with the whole star crossed lovers - bonding thing discussed above and I have to tell you, if someone on my fb was posting any info like Ex is, I would be horrified. Dont respond - he's making himself out to be such a prat anyway that people will be judging him without the need got you to put the boot in.

I love that you're taking control and that you are setting such a dignified and strong example for your children, especially DD.

and and now go have a sit down and make sure your drinking plenty of water x

[Bmatoes]

I too have been following your thread... and think you are amazing. So strong and brave and a big rock for your precious family.

I would love to be a fly on the wall when HIS world come crashing down in the near future and when he finally realizes he effed up big time!

Keep strong.. and hope the morning sickness passes soon!

[Beckett3]

So blocking him didnt quite work, my daughter informed me this evening that they're posting that they love each other on each others Walls. My poor girl had to read that

I'm amused at it though as I know all his family and friends can read it and know that his daughter can too and if they have any morals will realise how awful his actions are and I didn't even have to do a thing!

[zcos]

Feels strange to be pleased to have made someone cry! I think it may be worth mentioning to him that his daughter can see those posts on Facebook and its upsetting her in a matter of fact way or maybe encourage her to explain how she feels about it. I think it is important for her to probably be honest with her father too. Not sure if anyone else has posted about this but think its important for her to talk through how she feels to is there any counselling available in school? Or if she has a good friend she trusts as well.

[Mytimewillcomebutwhen]

Your poor daughter

What an utter bastard he is

Is this behaviour really that unusual for him or has he always been lacking in empathy and maturity that he would inflict such a vomit inducing display upon his own child?

[Beckett3]

I Have already asked him to consider his children's feelings before he writes anything on fb, as you can see that has had no effect. She is going to see the school councillor this week and a few of her teachers have told her she is more than welcome to come and talk to them, on top of that she does have a few friends including one that lives next door so if there's anything she doesn't want to talk to me about she could always go there.

I've spoken to my other twos head teacher who I've known for 10 years now and she's going to make sure she or someone else is available for them to talk to at school at any time.

I'm really trying to think about his behaviour and how little respect he has for his children and I'm slowly realising that he's never been a great father, probably mostly telling by the fact the children haven't really noticed his absence that much and when he came round Friday they didn't cry when he left. He did used to get angry with them alot and they told me that I'm a lot funner now, which I realise is because I'm not having to tell them to be quiet so much or not to run around everywhere incase it upset their daddy.

[Mytimewillcomebutwhen]

Beckett - that your children describe you as being more fun in the current circumstances (even with pregnancy sickness!) speaks volumes about you and also reveals a lot about him as a father, doesn't it?

It's good that your DC have good support apart from you iyswim - it takes a little pressure off all of you. What about you? Do you have RL support? Hope you've managed food n drink today x

[zcos]

It's fab all that you have sorted for your children to have support network... Wonderful that your separation is doing you wonders... Your going to come out the other side of this much stronger and by the sound of it much more fun keep repeating that to yourself when the going gets tough! It sounds like you have just been carrying him for years! What a weight off!

[ivykaty44]

beckett, try drinking milk if you can as it has a lot of goodness in it and if you are not eating much at least your body is getting fluid and a food source in one. I hated milk and so put camp coffee in to drink it

I am sorry that you are having to go through this and unfortunately I have been where you are now and all I can say is you are strong from what you have written and you will be a rock for your dc.

This baby will be a distraction for your dc to love and look forward to, give yourself time to grieve for the lost marriage and then move on - think of yourself some of the time. It is easy to keep thinking of the children you have and the child yet to come, but you need a bit of head space to.

[Snazzynewyear]

They both sound about 12.

[Skyebluesapphire]

After my XH left, I list my appetite and ate half a banana and half a sandwich a day and a multi vitamin. !

I was convinced that the multi vitamin would keep me going lol.

Obviously you are pregnant so you need to eat. Bananas, hot chocolate, things like that will help to keep you going. Cereal is also good for you if you could eat a small bowlful.

[zcos]

could try soy milk too I love the chocolate one full of nutrition but doesn't feel as heavy as dairy! give yourself lots of treats if you can aswell as trying to eat healthy some food better than no food!

[TroublesomeEx]

I'm really trying to think about his behaviour and how little respect he has for his children and I'm slowly realising that he's never been a great father, probably mostly telling by the fact the children haven't really noticed his absence that much and when he came round Friday they didn't cry when he left. He did used to get angry with them alot and they told me that I'm a lot funner now, which I realise is because I'm not having to tell them to be quiet so much or not to run around everywhere incase it upset their daddy.

Gosh, yes that sounds familiar too. I don't want to hijack, but I thought it might help to compare your own position with someone else's.

I thought my husband was a good father, but now I realise that that's because he spent a lot of time telling me that he was a good father. But a lot of that is because he was comparing himself to the very lowest sort of dad. So, "I'm a good father, I don't spend all my time at the pub and then come home drunk and abuse everyone"; "I'm a good father. All those men who are proud of never having changed a nappy should be ashamed of themselves". So yes, he spent a lot of time patting himself on the back for being a good dad because he wasn't a shit one!

He asked DS last weekend how he felt about him not living at home anymore and DS told said "well when you were here I hardly ever saw you. You were out quite a lot and when you were in you were on the laptop or the ipad. I suppose now when we see you we actually do something together"

He's used that as justification for him doing what he did!

He came round the other night for something and snapped at DS before he'd even come through the door. When DS responded by saying "nice to see you too" and walking upstairs, his dad shouted at him for being rude and started with the exasperated head in the hands business. He walked in the living room and was 'irritated by' me.. But he got pretty short shrift and when he'd gone DS said "I'd forgotten about all that. I'm so glad we don't have to live with that anymore" I think I'd just become desensitised to it. My dad was the same!

It's funny how the realisation is slow...

You are doing amazingly. He is an idiot and pathetic. I don't know what gets into them that makes them behave like this, I really don't! Your children are lucky to have you.

[Beckett3]

Today was a day I really wasn't looking forward to, my youngest two have been off school since they found out, with permission from the head teacher, eldest had a couple of days off but as she's doing gcse's she had to go back ASAP.

So this is me, all alone for the first time since we found out. This parts not so easy, there's no one around to have to be strong for, too much time to think