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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can I have honest opinions?

85 replies

BeOrganised · 19/01/2013 20:52

If your partner (albeit on/off) and father of your children said 'I feel like spitting in your face'. Would you be devastated? Or because he didn't actually do it, or say he will, it's not that much of a bad thing to say.

He has said worse to me, but this has really got to me. It's happened over half an hour ago and I'm still replaying the words and crying. Am I overreacting?

OP posts:

LesBOFerables · 19/01/2013 20:54

No, you're not over-reacting. He doesn't sound like somebody who is making you happy, which is kind of the point of a partner, isn't it?

TallyGrenshall · 19/01/2013 20:55

It's a fucking disgusting thing to say and he would most definitely be 'off' from that point on

Kione · 19/01/2013 20:55

that is horrible and disgusting and yes, I would be devastated! why did he say that? sorry for you x

TallyGrenshall · 19/01/2013 20:55

Shit! That was supposed to be not

TurnipCake · 19/01/2013 20:56

Oh that is an absolutely vile way to speak to someone.

You're not reacting enough, as in switch the on/off part of your relationship to 'off' for good.

We're here if you need to get it out.

Beamur · 19/01/2013 20:56

It's a vile thing to say.

LesBOFerables · 19/01/2013 20:59

Have a look at this, it's very wise.

Nanny0gg · 19/01/2013 21:00

It's a revolting thing to say and I hate to think what he's said that's worse.
You're not over-reacting. What do you want to do?

izzyizin · 19/01/2013 21:00

What took place immediately before he said it?

Did he say it as a statement of fact unrelated to any other conversation/verbal exchange?

badinage · 19/01/2013 21:02

The relationship would be 'off' permanently if anyone said this to me.

cookielove · 19/01/2013 21:02

I think we need more back round here, it does sound horrible though and would be upset if DH said something like to me!!

coffeeinbed · 19/01/2013 21:04

He's said worse than that?
Blimey.
Don't even want to imagine what that might be.
And you have to ask?

Original poster

BeOrganised · 19/01/2013 21:04

We were arguing basically about his lack of drive to sort out his life. I said some horrible things about the way he was brought up (drugs given, father never worked, ect) which I shouldn't have I admit. But for him to say very calmly 'I feel like spitting in your face' was such a shock. It still is.

To be honest I feel trapped sometimes but it is that we are so bloody different it's hard. We literally have lead opposite lives and I think he is living on a totally different planet, but he thinks I'm living on a different planet.

Thank you for the offer of support if I want to get out, but not at the moment. Just had to get some opinions that it is a terrible thing to say even though he didn't do anything.

OP posts:

Mytimewillcomebutwhen · 19/01/2013 21:06

Of course you aren't over reacting - and you do know that. I get the feeling you know quite a lot of things aren't right as well...

Sorry Organised...

If this isn't the worst thing he's said, and you're supposed to feel grateful cos he hasn't actually done anything - does that mean he threatens you a lot? Does he ever carry out his threats?

Stay safe Organised x don't let someone be this vile to you x

Original poster

BeOrganised · 19/01/2013 21:15

No no it's not like he threatens me on a daily basis or anything! He has a temper in wary of BUT I don't help things- he'll tell me to shut the fuck up for example and I will carry on just because I'm not going to listen to him and do as he says if he tells me like that. So I'm aware that I'm part of the problem.

He's told me a load of times how he would happily kill me if I ever cheated on him, but when I asked him to stop saying it (after I had heard this about 15 times in the space of about 10 months) he was surprised that it had upset me. He genuinely thought it was an acceptable thing to say.

Obviously he has got a lot of good points but I'm upset and hurt and I don't even want to think about them.

OP posts:

badinage · 19/01/2013 21:31

Are you stark raving mad?

You should be getting the hell away from this man.

LesBOFerables · 19/01/2013 22:01

Did you look at that link I posted?

Original poster

BeOrganised · 19/01/2013 22:07

It sounds worse than it is!

Yes I looked at the link, thank you for posting it. I'm going to be honest and say I can identify with a few points but it's nothing I can't handle, I wouldn't call it abusive! A lot of things we need to work on though.

OP posts:

kalidanger · 19/01/2013 22:08

BeOrganised; for the avoidance of any doubt his behaviour is not normal

wewereherefirst · 19/01/2013 22:11

Fuck, that's a really vile thing he said to you OP. Get you and your children away from this awful man.

bestsonever · 19/01/2013 22:13

Seems like you regularly 'work' at things, given that it's an "on/off relationship". How hard you are willing to try is up to you. Just be aware that you can't undo years of bad parenting for him.

kalidanger · 19/01/2013 22:14

'It's nothing I can't handle', you say?

How did you handle it? Did you respond? Are you happy with your response? Do you feel your response adequately conveyed to him that it was unacceptable and that you are devastated? How did he respond to that? Is the situation ongoing? Or over? Until next time?

Did you handle it? How?

Original poster

BeOrganised · 19/01/2013 22:21

Yes I totally know his behaviour isn't normal. But it's hard to explain that to him when he thinks I'm the weird one. I also made the mistake of telling him I had had PND with my last dc, so he always thinks I'm annoyed at him because I'm depressed/need to see a doctor/have pmt/still have pregnancy hormones.

Well I haven't handled this situation at all yet! When he said that tears just sprang to my eyes and I locked myself in the bathroom and cried like a baby! He went out, then I came out. I imagine I won't see him until Monday.

So not really sure what to say. He is very good with words and manages to turn all situations around on me, so I'm not sure how to handle this situation!

OP posts:

TheFallenNinja · 19/01/2013 22:27

What are you waiting for him to say before you send him packing?

I wouldn't say that to a dog.

TheSecondComing · 19/01/2013 22:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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