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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can I have honest opinions?

85 replies

BeOrganised · 19/01/2013 20:52

If your partner (albeit on/off) and father of your children said 'I feel like spitting in your face'. Would you be devastated? Or because he didn't actually do it, or say he will, it's not that much of a bad thing to say.

He has said worse to me, but this has really got to me. It's happened over half an hour ago and I'm still replaying the words and crying. Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
SparkyDudess · 20/01/2013 21:26

This: 'I do stand my ground and I do act like I'm not scared of him even though I have been. If he comes in my face I won't back down, I'll carry on until he just ends up leaving'

I stand my ground with my DH and I don't have to act like I'm not scared - because I'm not. We argue, we sort it out without threats or name calling - you so obviously think that the dynamic between you is normal, and it's anything but.

You need to see that you and your children would be better without your partner - being single would be infinitely better than what you have now.

Original poster
BeOrganised · 20/01/2013 21:28

Why can't he be a good dad? Whilst I've been back at work he has actually been taking care of them and so far doing a better job than me! As in he is very laid back and doesn't stress as much as me. Yes he says some terrible things to me, but why does this mean he is a bad dad?

OP posts:
Original poster
BeOrganised · 20/01/2013 21:29

I have known him for 10 years.

OP posts:
SparkyDudess · 20/01/2013 21:31

Because you can tell yourself whatever you like, but your children know he's evil to you - by definition, a bad dad.

AnyFucker · 20/01/2013 21:33

A man that threatens to spit in a woman's face (and worse...tell us what "worse" is...) is not a "good dad"

JustFabulous · 20/01/2013 21:37

If my DH said that to me I would faint in shock and then when I came round I would kick him out.

soulresolution · 20/01/2013 21:38

10 years. In all that time he hasn't accepted that he's got a serious problem and needs psychiatric help?

Original poster
BeOrganised · 20/01/2013 21:39

But I wouldn't say he is evil to me- well sometimes but the majority he isn't. He is literally either really lovey dovey, complimenting me, helping me, all that- or a prick and just saying horrible stuff. The kids always see the hugs and normally I don't want to hug him because I'm still pissed off so they probably think I'm bring evil to daddy because I brush him off.

I still think the two are separate. He can be a crap and shitty partner but as a dad he isn't bad.

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AnyFucker · 20/01/2013 21:41

Keep thinking that. Keep walking on eggshells. Keep swallowing the verbal abuse and hoping your kids don't hear (news flash ! they do!)

Why did you post ?

JustFabulous · 20/01/2013 21:41

It doesn't sound worse than it is. It IS that bad.

Original poster
BeOrganised · 20/01/2013 21:41

The thing is with this is that yes he has said worse but always under the influence of drink. Yesterday he wasn't drinking, he was quite calm which is not like him at all. So for him to say that sober was/is a big shock. He must really hate me!

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AnyFucker · 20/01/2013 21:44

He doesn't hate you. He just thinks you are inferior to him. And that it's ok to say the things he wouldn't dare to say to someone else. because if he said them to his boss he would get the sack. If he said them to a stranger in the street he would get twatted. If he said them to his friends they would tell him to fuck off.

Why is it ok to say them to you ?

This isn't something he can't control, or he would be spitting in his boss's face, in the check out girls face, in his mates face down the pub

are you a different class of citizen ?

Original poster
BeOrganised · 20/01/2013 21:46

I originally posted because I honestly thought maybe I was overreacting. That because he only 'said' it and never done it or threatened to do it, it wasn't so bad.

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AnyFucker · 20/01/2013 21:49

of course it's bad

if I say to you now "I want to punch you in the face" does it make it any less awful that there is no actual option to punch you in the face ?

of course it doesn't

Back2Two · 20/01/2013 21:50

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

SparkyDudess · 20/01/2013 22:23

Sorry,'evil' should have been 'vile', but both fit.

I don't think you're overreacting, quite the opposite. Sounds like he's nastier still when he's had a drink?

Original poster
BeOrganised · 20/01/2013 22:37

It's not that he thinks I'm inferior- its kind of the opposite. He hates that I'm working, that it's my flat, that it's my rules, that I had a dream 5 years ago and stuck to it even though I was on my own, whereas he is in the same position as he was 10 years ago when I met him. I know he is trying to put me down, make me feel less than I'm worth when he is angry. And then when he's happy again I get all the 'I'm proud of you, you've done great even though I was a prick'.

When he is angry then there's no hope to get through to him at all.

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NotSoNervous · 20/01/2013 22:39

Your not over reacting at all, of course your going to be devastated. It's a very aggressive thing to say aswell. Hope you okay x

cincodemayo · 20/01/2013 22:41

What's this guy's relationship history and does he have other children?

Original poster
BeOrganised · 20/01/2013 22:49

There isn't much of a relationship history, 1 serious gf he had a place with when he was younger, got into financial trouble, split up, got with someone else, not very serious- though she got pregnant- so yes he has another child.

I know what he said was bad, but haven't we all said things in the heat of the moment when your pissed off?! Ok I know most normal people wouldn't go as far as he does, but that's just him. It's kind of upsetting that everyone sees him as an abuser and a bad dad and that I'm putting my children in harms way!

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dequoisagitil · 20/01/2013 22:52

So he wants to drag you down to his level. Why is that ok to you?

If a friend treated you like this, would they still be your friend?

If he's a great dad, he can be a great dad as a non-resident parent while not in a relationship with you.

Don't fool yourself the dc don't hear the verbal abuse - how big is your house? Is it soundproofed? The dc never wake up to go to the toilet? They won't continue to be unaware, if they are now. Is this sort of thing what you'd like for them to have in their own relationships in the future? Cos that's what you're teaching.

badtasteflump · 20/01/2013 22:52

You asked for honest opinions but you don't really want to hear them.
And you are kidding yourself in thinking your children arent affected by being in the middle of such a toxic relationship.

badtasteflump · 20/01/2013 22:55

And no, i have never said anything so disgusting in 'the heat of the moment'. Nor would i accept having it said to me. Why are you back tracking and making excuses for this man?

badtasteflump · 20/01/2013 22:57

You just said 'thats just him' - so thats ok then?

Original poster
BeOrganised · 20/01/2013 22:58

I really did want honest opinions on the whole 'spitting' thing because I was so upset. It's not that I don't want to hear your opinions, that's fine! But I'm allowed to feel upset by them and disagree with some parts?

Obviously house is t sound proof and dc may have heard a few arguments, but nothing that is going to scar them, however I do agree with the 'toxic' atmosphere. And I do worry how our relationship will effect the dc especially the oldest.

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