I know it's hard to hear OP, you asked for honest answers and that is what you are getting. The answers you have are from people who have been through it, who recognise what you are experiencing as abuse.
I found it hard to believe too as have most of us, but it IS abuse. Abuse isn't just him punching you in the face and all the things you have said are things that are abusive.
An abusive man isn't like that all the time. They work in cycles, with just enough 'nice' to keep you hoping and hanging on. It is how he behaves when he is being nasty that is your true gauge of what sort of a person he really is. Normal men DON'T tell their partners they would kill them, threaten to spit in their face or frighten them.
He tells you it's you, so then you work even harder to avoid his outbursts, walk on eggshells and try harder to be perfect. It doesn't matter what you do, NOTHING you could do would justify his behaviour to you. Normal men would never, ever do or say the things you describe.
You cannot change him. There is nothing you can say, or do that will make him stop treating you like this. There is no sort of counselling or therapy that will MAKE him stop abusing you. The only options you have are to stay and accept that your P's damaged childhood is doomed to repeat itself and that your relationship is teaching your children how to behave in their own relationships in the future, OR to leave and realise that that is your ONLY choice if you want to protect your kids.
I know that's not easy to hear and your natural reaction is to rebel against that possibility. I know that when you have invested so much in a relationship that the thought of it ending feels like too much. The reason you feel like this is because of the brainwashing you have had. It is SO much easier to stay away once you get out. You have to first accept that you need to leave, leaving is easy in comparison.