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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The Great Escape

734 replies

GoodtoBetter · 18/01/2013 07:24

I thought I would start a new thread, for anyone who might be interested in listening to my waffling on about my struggles with a difficult, overbearing mother. Thank you to whoever it was who suggested the thread title! I've changed my name for something a bit more positive.
previous thread here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1565077-My-mother-hates-my-husband-long

OP posts:
HerrenaHandbasket · 05/04/2013 17:39

I understand what you mean - I have days like that too. DH is very tolerant of me ranting on about DM, all things considered.

Did you ever see the 'some thoughts on toxic people' thread? There was a lot on there about narcissist mothers - you might find it interesting. My DM really fits the phenotype and yours sounds quite like mine, so it might be relevant from a coping viewpoint.

I'm sorry that you're having a down day. Hopefully a good night's sleep will leave you feeling a bit more positive about it all Flowers

tribpot · 05/04/2013 17:52

Of course, the money in the bank is already yours, G2B, rather than some kind of future-inheritance-existing-in-the-present as she has persuaded you to believe. However, now that she is dividing the will equally, that money is yours free and clear. It might be rather fun to point this out to her (very mildly of course) and remark on what you might spend it on. A new car, perhaps? Heh heh heh.

I think your resistance has been lowered by her few occasions of good behaviour recently. Whilst we were all pleased for you when they happened, I don't think we attached the same significance to them as you did. Hard as it is to accept, she will not change. You will always have this battle, and it will get worse as your children get older.

The positive side of this is that you now recognise her behaviour for what it is. You are mostly free of the FOG. This will help you to develop armour, over time.

Original poster
GoodtoBetter · 06/04/2013 15:14

So, Sunday approaches...the day I would normally see her with the children. Don't really feel like seeing her but feel bad about not doing our usual weekend visit. Not a peep from her as usual. Nice weather...maybe we can go to the park.

OP posts:
wheredidiputit · 06/04/2013 15:25

Go to the park with your dc.

Your mum know your number and address she can contact you if she wants/needs you.

Don't waste the nice weekend waiting on her.

Original poster
GoodtoBetter · 06/04/2013 15:43

You're probably right..I should probably say we're away for the day....we could go up to the mountains. Not sure if I'm brave enough...I think I'm still stuck on the OG of fog.

OP posts:
tribpot · 06/04/2013 18:36

Why not go up to the mountains? You've had a fair amount of contact whilst your bro was here, you're entitled to spend your Sundays as you damn well please.

2rebecca · 07/04/2013 20:52

Do you want to get confined to a routine? I'd hate to feel I always had to visit or be visited on a particular day every week. My weekends are for relaxing. Yes I'll sometimes visit people but not every weekend.

2rebecca · 07/04/2013 20:53

I also think if she's to survive abroad she needs to find her own social circle and you aren't helping her do that if you see her every weekend. If she gets bored on her own she'll start looking for things to do.

Original poster
GoodtoBetter · 07/04/2013 21:23

Don't think she's likely to make friends after 7 years here of not doing so.....

OP posts:
2rebecca · 07/04/2013 23:18

She had no reason to make friends before though because you entertained her. She has to start making her own life, not being a parasite on yours. She has to take responsibility for entertaining and occupying herself.

KateBeckett · 08/04/2013 00:15

It's not your job to make sure she is entertained, she is responsible for her own happiness x

Jux · 08/04/2013 00:27

Quite. It is up to her to live as she pleases, and if she prefers to be a miserable cow then it's her choice. That's really harsh, isn't it? But you can't make someone happy if what they want is to be miserable.

If there were anything like a bridge cub, art group, etc, then she could joint that and that's her social life sorted. She could find out if she wanted to.....

Original poster
GoodtoBetter · 11/04/2013 11:34

So, been and done the will nonsense. Her estate is now to be divided btw me and DB. It was all a bit weird, but I decided to just do it and then it's done. I have had the most awful week, with so so so so much work it's been really stressful, but it's nearly the weekend and my mother has one fewer stick to beat me with, so that's something.

OP posts:
2rebecca · 11/04/2013 18:12

It sounds as though you now need to cut back the visits a bit, seeing both sets of parents over the weekend sounds draining.
You need at least 1 day to just do enjoyable stuff together and relax.

wheredidiputit · 11/04/2013 19:16

Glad the will done and dusted.

As you have had a busy week I suggest that once you finish work this week you switch off and spend the weekend with you DH and DC doing something fun.

Original poster
GoodtoBetter · 11/04/2013 22:35

Tomorrow I have meetings in the morning and choir practice and then hoping to have the afternoon in the park with the DCs. Plan is to go up to a village in the mountains on Saturday as the weather's supposed to be good. Sunday we're going to see the PILs and DS has a fancy dress birthday picnic in the afteroon. I haven't decided what to do about DM. I may blow her off til Wednesday/Thursday.
I know some people might think it weird that we see the PILs every Sunday, but I like it. They're only 20 mins in the car, MIL cooks lovely food and I don't have to wash up. They play with the kids and we chat and the DCs have a nice time and I get to eat nice food with nice people. They don't guilt trip us if we don't go one week, they NEVER interfere in parenting decisions. My DM on the other hand......

OP posts:
Jux · 11/04/2013 23:09

It sounds very affirming, very like the Sunday lunches I grew up with. My brothers and I continued to turn up every week well into our thirties, as it was such fun and great food!

It sounds like you need to have a proper break for now. You've been working incredibly hard on top of everything else.

Definitely wait until Wednesday at least before you visit your mum again. You do need to factor more life-affirming activities into your life; that means more things you enjoy, more family time, just things that make you feel good and which don't keep you on tenterhooks.

wheredidiputit · 12/04/2013 07:44

Nothing wrong in seeing the In-laws every week, as long as everyone enjoys going and have fun. It's only wrong when it done because it a duty and no one is having fun.

tribpot · 12/04/2013 08:00

Seeing the in-laws sounds like something that nourishes you - both literally and metaphorically. I would not attempt to 'be fair' and think you have to see your mother because you've seen them - it's not comparing like with like.

After a hell week and dealing with that bloody will, you definitely don't need to make time for your mother this weekend!

Original poster
GoodtoBetter · 12/04/2013 17:51

Well, bizarrely enough she phoned today all bright and chatty to tell me about the new laptop she bought when she went to the hypermarket. All very normal and amicable. I know she can't bear to admit it, but she has a much better quality of life now she has to get out and about. I was having coffee with my friend the ither day and DM walked past. I didn't call her over as I was about to go and she didn't see me but then talking to her yday it turns out that was part of a longer walk round the village, encompassing post office, bank and minimart. Friend saw her too and said she was walking really well now....no stick or anything. So, now going to leave it for a few days as she knows we're busy and then maybe pop over on Weds pm. If things were like this more it'd be great.

OP posts:
tribpot · 12/04/2013 20:11

Enjoy the good days, G2B, just don't set too much store by them :)

Original poster
GoodtoBetter · 12/04/2013 20:29

No, I know. But today's bee a good day. It's lovely weather and one of my meetings was a feedback one on an observed class and I got really good feedback. Came home just as DH was getting back from school with DCs and they came running along to give me bear hugs and DH had cleaned pretty much the whole house while I was out. I managed to dye my hair while DD napped and then DH took the kids out while I went to the hairdressers. We're off to the mountains for the day tomorrow and then next week I only work Monday and Tuesday. So, going to enjoy it all, soak up the good times and, seeing as I don't have any translation right now I'm going eat chocolate doughnuts and watch TV and go to bed early.

OP posts:
Aussiebean · 14/04/2013 06:15

Sounds like a wonderful way to spend time with your family. Enjoy x

Jux · 14/04/2013 12:27

Lovely! Hope you have many more days like that.

Original poster
GoodtoBetter · 14/04/2013 20:04

Well, we've had a lovely weekend. The weather's glorious. We had our day in the mountains yday and it was spectacular. Then today we saw PILs and went to a fancy dress birthday party/picnic and it was lovely. I was out and about with DCs this morning, pootling around the village and we were v near DM's house so I texted to say we'd pop in to say hello. We did and admired her new laptop and so on and then as things were going well I invited her for a quick coffee. It was all v nice and friendly and without undertones, so that was nice. I texted her afterwards to say I had a pendrive of nice photos of DC for her next time, of them in the mountains yday etc and she said that was lovely and she really appreciated it. So, I'm sure we'll hit some more nonsense along the way somewhere, but this weekend has been lovely.
The weather's set to continue and I'm off work Weds, Thurs, Fri next week so I think we'll go to the flat for a few days then.

OP posts: