The Great Escape

[GoodtoBetter]

I thought I would start a new thread, for anyone who might be interested in listening to my waffling on about my struggles with a difficult, overbearing mother. Thank you to whoever it was who suggested the thread title! I've changed my name for something a bit more positive.
previous thread here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1565077-My-mother-hates-my-husband-long

Yes, but if I say, do it yourself there will be some complaint about that too.

Ha! So, bit the bullet and decided to make the appt.
And yet again, it's another fucking drama. Why can't I see it coming?
I e mailed the lawyer to ask her to make appt at the notary. She said she needed the old will.
So textd DM and said can you scan it and e mail it to this address for the lawyer. She texts back "Don't know where it is, doesn't she have a copy?" So I txt, it's on your bookcase in the hall, no the notary has one, but it would need to be requested. So she rings me right back and says "I'm not v confident about scanning and sending, it's 4 pages long". I start to explain how to scan and she says she doesn't know how to attach them to the e mail once they're scanned. This is tosh as she scanned a whole load of old photos and sent them to my uncle before Christmas.
Then she phones me back half angry, half crying, obviously hoping I'll say I'll come and do it. I said I was busy and I try to talk her through how to open an e mail, write an e mail, attach a file...sob sob..I can't do it. I said, well we can't go then. "This would have been so much easier if you'd come over and do it, it would only take 5 minutes". "But, I've scanned 3 pages and I can only find 2 in the folder now. I said, well you can play around with it this afternoon til you've got them all scanned. But I'll have lost the e mail then". sob sob. I said, so you open your e mail again and write the address and attach the files and click send.
Good lord. I always think I can handle her and then it's always the same. Right, will get through this will business and then I'm going to make a giant poster for myself that says STEP BACK! And maybe another one that says LISTEN TO MUMSNET!
Go on, slap me.

Velvet glove, iron fist :)

Just kidding - I wasn't expecting that your attempt to take the path of least resistance would backfire within the hour!

I honestly would just leave it there. If you're emailing the lawyer she can clearly do that herself, why on earth would you act in the middle? Tell her you'll take her down there once she's got the paperwork sorted. Presumably if she didn't have a scanner the lawyer could make a copy if she brought the old one to the office herself?

Good, is there any possibility of arranging a home visit? This does happen in the UK, albeit usually if someone is unable to leave their home. We know that`s not the case here, but it might be worth looking into. Otherwise, make the appointment, and bow right out. Then, for your own sanity, you really do have to accept that this woman does not want what is best for you, or your family. There are no half measures Good. You have to refuse to play her games, and disengage once and for all.

I was actually rather pleased that she gave her little performance in front of your brother. Although unpleasant for you, it does show him just how vicious she can be with you. Not a good look, silly woman.

Good- I'm a long time lurker (I may have posted on one of your earlier threads) and have been popping back now and then to see how you're doing. I just wanted to share my experience of a toxic mother (which is the subject of a whole other thread. Or many other threads....).

I totally get your POV thinking that you can manage ltd contact with her. I thought that w my "D"M, but for a long time that was really hard. It caused me so much pain and every time I was in touch with her as I had to try really really hard to keep my boundaries firm and to remind myself that I was not being unreasonable (shouting at myself!) in whatever I was trying to do (eg arrange child friendly activities for DC, or put my DC first, not her (heresy, in her eyes), or even get support when I was having a bad time) but really I was hoping she would realise I wasn't being unreasonable and would give me the OK. It never happened. But gradually the amount of effort I have to put in to keep my boundaries firm has lessened so that now it's not an emotionally exhausting experience to be around her. Basically, I stopped caring. I realise that when she's not interested in me or my DC, it really is her loss- for SO long I told myself that, all the while desperately wanting her to notice me and them. Then I realised that the mantra I'd adopted really was true, and it really was her loss.

So I just wanted to let you know that it is possible to have contact (albeit we don't live near one another), but keep boundaries and your sanity. DH and I standing firm together helps, as does remembering that you are worth so much more than all this game playing.

Apologies if I'm repeating stuff that's obvious/you know/been said in parts of the thread that I missed, but your post today really resonated with me and I wanted to let you know that you're not alone and that it does get better, though with a lot of effort initially.

" but I felt she must be right, why would my own mother be that cruel if it weren't true..." (about your hair)

G2B - omg you have just put into words how i've felt all these years! WHY would a loving mother want to say these things & hurt our feelings? i came to the conclusion while having some counseling a few years back, it is reflected glory on them if we look nice, when i look good my mum tells me she is proud of me. when i don't look good or how she wants she makes nasty critical comments. it's also another way for them to try to control us, and our appearances like they did when we were still kids. I have serious self esteem issues because of my mum, when I was 5 I asked her "am I pretty mummy?" - she said, "hmmm, no, you're not pretty, but you are attractive". God I was devastated, all I could think from then on was, I'm not pretty, my mummy said I wasn't, so I'm not & never will be. Then as a teen I was too fat, then she didn't like my hair, or my clothes, then it moved on to my house & even though hers is a mess, she comments on the tiniest speck of dust in mine. Then DH is not good enough, & now, although my 2 year old DD is the golden grandchild - my mum still likes to drop the odd comment in about her appearance, trying to control how I dress her, do her hair etc : (

Most people don't have scanners so they must have a way of dealing with it without having stuff scanned.
I agree that this is why you should leave her to deal with her own stuff, if she had phoned the lawyer herself she'd have had to sort out the will thing herself and either got it photocopied in town and posted the photocopy or just taken the old one with her. There will always be another thing for you to do for her.
The crying every time something small goes wrong would just annoy me. She doesn't work she has days to sort out scanning the documents, why cry about it? If she can't scan them she phones them up and sorts out an alternative.

At would be too much like behaving like a grown-up, 2rebecca! (Sorry, G2B.)

No, most people don't have scanners but SHE DOES! It's a printer/scanner/photocopier. And although she is pretending otherwise she does really know how to use it. She's retired and it's HER FUCKING WILL. I don't see why I should have to go over there to scan 4 pages and write an e mail. But I hate that she's sitting there fuming away at how horrible I am. No matter what I do, I'm always in the wrong as far as she's concerned.

Sorry, I wasn't shouting at any of you

You're right G2B- whatever you do it won't be right. So how about doing what you'd like to do, rather than what she wants you to? Esp as you'll be in the wrong acc to her anyhow?

Bea I'm sorry to hear about your mum, and what an awful thing to say! . You said my post rang bells, but so did this of yours about your house:
even though hers is a mess, she comments on the tiniest speck of dust in mine. Then DH is not good enough, & now, although my 2 year old DD is the golden grandchild - my mum still likes to drop the odd comment in about her appearance, trying to control how I dress her, do her hair etc My mum was horrible about how clean my house was and seems to hate DH and has even complained she didn't like the way DH did DD's hair.

I think you're meant to be looking at the existing will to fully realise what you're about to lose.

Ah, you mean you think she wants me to deal with it all so I actually look at it and think...ooh shit, less inheritance for me?

Hi G2B not posted for a while on your thread but I have been keeping up. I echo everything already said about how well you are doing.

All this faff with the will, you mentioned on an earlier thread that the rule of inheritance in Spain are different and it is difficult to disinherit children, or something. So is all this angst over the will is essentially pointless?

Anyway, take a step back for a while. You've had a lot happen to you recently, you need to process it all and take the next step for you and your family.

Glaikit, I think technically G2B's mum is trying to make the will fairer as at the moment G2B inherits one large asset (the house) and her brother the residual dosh. At the mo it is G2B's job to cough over the balance of cash that would make this a 50:50 split.

Now the will is to be changed to leave them equal shares, thus punishing G2B for her failure to show loyalty to the family - er, except really it achieves very little. However, I still think G2B's mum wants her to see what her disloyalty is costing her. It may also be the 'inevitable' consequence of having tapped into the money in the bank which is meant to be used to cough over to G2Brother in due course.

Tribpot, doesn't her bro get the flat as well though?

On the subject of ensuring you know what you could have had if only..... I think tribpot is spot on!

What a silly thing she is, that mum of yours .

Touched post too soon!

That last sentence of above post was an effort to trivialise and minimise.

Don't worry Jux I know what you meant. Am still reading. No word from mad mother.

You know Good, I wonder if it might be an idea to take the initiative and get in touch with her about the will, saying something breezy like "It would be really good to get this sorted out once and for all so we can all get on with our lives, no point in dragging out such a small piece of business, what do you say?"

If you're meant to be injured by the whole thing then voluntary enthusiastic participation might throw her somewhat I know it's a bit passive aggressive and smacks slightly of game-playing..... but how can it possibly be? You're doing what she asked you to do, after all [looks innocent]

If it must needs be done, t'were best it were done quickly. Or something like that!

I did take the initiative and organised the appt, but then when I ask her to scan and e mail her copy of the existing will to the lawyer it turned into a PA weepy strop. There's just no dealing with her when she's like that..it's just like a tantrum. Am sitting in a cafe in a sunny window under orange trees waiting for choir practice to start and trying to forget about my mad mother for a bit. You know...it's easier than living with her but this emotional bollocks all the time is hard. Why can't she be normal?

Sorry, I should have been clearer - I did read that you'd done that.

What I meant was that you might need to push this forward anyway, despite her initial dumbassery machinations to make you feel crap. If she whimpers that she can't do something wrt the will (and ONLY the will) be positively overwhelming in your efforts to help. I have a feeling that she will be quite upset to see you not responding the way she wants. At the moment, your resistance accords with her new script ("Good is being awkward, heaven knows why.") Don't let her predict/manipulate your reactions. Your best defence is to act like you're simply not fussed and like this is a normal, somewhat boring process.

I'm a bit fuzzy on the detail but she wants to change stuff so it's not in your favour, right? Well if you railroad her into making that official and binding then you'll be taking away the major stick that she tries to beat you with. Can you imagine her consternation in years to come, when she tries to tempt you back with financial offers and you blithely decline them all? You're a better person than me if you don't derive a certain amount of satisfaction from thwarting plans like that.

I sympathise with your wishes that she were more normal, but here it is

At the moment Herrena the house is left to me and everything else to DB (and of course he has his flat). I have about 60,000 euros in the bank, which I'm trying no to spend.
The idea was I would inherit the house because I'd looked after her and so that if she died I didn't have to sell my "home" to give DB half.
No that I'm not living with her she wants to change the will back to split everything of hers equally. Which is fine. But I wish she could just be a adult about it instead of trying to make me feel shit and then being passive aggressive about all kinds of shit.

I know, I wish for your sake that she would behave better too. But she's not going to, so you might as well have some fun with it and watch her implode with impotent rage as you 'helpfully' take away her favoured method of control

I'm being flippant but hopefully you see what I mean......

I do see what you mean and mostly I can do that, but I don't know...I'm feeling sad about it all today. She never ever contacts me you know. Not a txt or anything, unless she wants something. I know she feels, why should hse, I left. But if it were me, I'd be busting a gut to be nice and make things up and she just seems to enjoy wallowing/punishing me. If I make an effort and arrage something with her and the kids she's OK once we get going, but I get tired (emotionally) of always jollying along, making an effort, searching around for conversation, timing when we see each other and fitting it in and I just wish it could be a bit more normal. it's early days I suppose. But it's tiring to deal with such a God awful martyr, it really is. I had a great time at choir and I have quite a bit of translation this weekend, but my mind keeps wandering back and I'm just feeling down about it all today.