The Great Escape

[GoodtoBetter]

I thought I would start a new thread, for anyone who might be interested in listening to my waffling on about my struggles with a difficult, overbearing mother. Thank you to whoever it was who suggested the thread title! I've changed my name for something a bit more positive.
previous thread here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1565077-My-mother-hates-my-husband-long

[GoodtoBetter]

Hello HowlerMonkey, I know who you are! I haven't looked at this thread for a while, I've mostly been on the Stately Homes thread.
I'm off sick from work atm with a throat infection and awful awful mouth ulcers, DM knows but hasn't asked after me. She's so fucking WEIRD.
Anyway, we had a lovely fortnight at the beach in August and I'm now back at work (well, when I'm not off sick :) ). I've been doing a bit of translation here and there and checked the legalities of it all and I can safely do up to 3000 euros a year without going self employed (v expensive) and even if it's over that I can mostly just do one extra tax return for the VAT incurred, so all good. The accountant I used to use is great and mostly advises me for free, wouldn't take any payment for a 45 min consultation last week. :)
DB is coming for 5 days in November, really looking forward to seeing him!

[WingDefence]

Hi Good - sorry to hear you're ill

Is DB staying with you or DM? Hope it all goes well :)

[GoodtoBetter]

Thanks WingDefence, the drugs have really kicked in and I can eat again!!! Whoop whoop! DM did get in touch and I enjoyed laying it on thick about how awful I'd felt, as she's such a hypochondriac, thought I'd get my own back for once.
DB will be staying with DM and unfortunately is coming Monday to Sat and I work Mon to Thurs pm, so will be a bit limited seeing him, but will sort things out. Cuts down on possibilities for awkward meals with both DM and DH trying to pretend not to dislike each other.
Just heard that one of my long term clients that I still do bits and pieces for has landed a big contract, the second part of a long running thing I did with him for about 2 years, easy work and enjoyable, so pleased with that!

[GoodtoBetter]

Just in case anyone remembers this (and is interested), today is a year to the day that my mother stormed off and the scales finally dropped from my eyes and I saw her and our relationship for what it was.
We are still in the rented house we moved into (with the roof terrace :)) and we're really happy. About to renew the rental for another year and they're happy for us to pay monthly instead of upfront.
Going to have our first Christmas here (albeit with DM for xmas lunch) and I can honestly say I have never been happier.
DM can still be a pain in the ARSE and I have to work hard on my boundaries, she still pretty much ignores DH, so I see her without him and she doesn't come to the house, but I'm managing lower contact OK on the whole.
Thank all of you who read this thread and supported me and helped me so much. xxx

[Aussiebean]

Yay. I love a happy ending. Well done and merry Christmas to you and your family.

[Lavenderhoney]

That sounds great:) is your db happier as well? Merry Christmas:)

[GoodtoBetter]

DB seems happier too, and it's good that we're on the same page about her. He got a lot of shit from her over the years, being the scapegoat and I think he feels more now that it was never him, she's just mad. We're closer now too I think, we were always close but we talk more now as I can skype him and talk freely cos she's not around.

DH is happier. He'd started smoking again through stress while we were living there but hasn't since before we moved out. He's still out of work, but does all the cooking, cleaning and childcare (including a lie in for me at weekends :)). I mostly do the laundry, but I like laundry...I find it calming, weirdo that I am.

DM of course would never admit that she was happier or had a better life now, but she does. At the weekend I went to a Medieval Xmas market with her and the kids (had been with DH the day before). Beautiful sunshine, lovely place. We walked round for about an hour and a half and had a coffee. Great morning, no complaints about walking or pain or anything. Then, yesterday DD has her xmas nativity. DM came and watched from the back (only 2 seats per child) and stood for about an hour, saw DD after and said she'd enjoyed it. She shops, cooks, cleans, does her laundry by herself, gets to eat what she wants instead of complaining about what we cook.

We have the occasional blow up or attempts at drama llama behaviour, but things are so so so much better. I still feel guilty about stuff and have to be careful to keep boundaries up and not be too much of a people pleaser, but I'm getting there.

[Meerka]

This sounds amazing, GtB, considering your early threads. Way to go! < cheers her on>

[MumofFestiveYuck]

Very pleased to hear this, GtB. It does sound like it's ten times better for everyone involved. Happy anniversary (although maybe don't tell your DM why you're celebrating)

[Donkeylovesmarzipanandmincepie]

Festive name at the moment but posted on your thread this year. Glad things are so much better have a great Christmas.

[tribpot]

GoodtoBetter, I looked you up to see if you'd posted about how Christmas had gone. I'd missed your recent update.

Glad that things have vastly improved, for all of you. I wonder what might have happened if you hadn't moved out. You definitely made the right choice.

Have a fantastic Christmas.

[GoodtoBetter]

Hi Tribpot. I just posted on Stately Homes. It was OK. DM came for lunch (although I ended up picking her up, which put me out of kilter with the dinner..lesson learned). My lovely friend came too which defused the atmosphere.
It was all OK except DD has a nasty cough and cold and was crying and very clingy and I sort of messed up the dinner timings.
Managed to have a stupid row about nothing with DH after they'd gone and ended up in tears. All made up quickly but I think we both found it more stressful than expected. Lessons learned.
But so so so much better than last year. Had a lovely Christmas eve, nice food, did the stockings, had some Amaretto and snuggled up in front of the TV.
We did the right thing for all of us a year ago.

[GoodtoBetter]

So, yesterday was our year anniversary in this house! Really happy here and things going OKish with DM on the whole.
I've applied for 2 non teaching jobs this week and even if I don't get them I now have a business plan to reduce my current teaching hours by summer 2015, if not sooner and get better paid teaching work and more translation. I'm getting ready to take a language exam in May and a translation exam hopefully by next year.
I am so glad we moved out and so grateful for all the advice and gentle kicks up the backside from all the lovely posters who read my long threads.
xxx

[Walkacrossthesand]

Hi Good, I saw your update late last night and marked it to reply this morning! Great to hear things are going so well - you must be so glad you finally made the break, and you still have a functional relationship with your DM - all good! I'm smiling as I remember the times you were posting when it was 40 degrees where you are, and peeing down with rain here

[Meerka]

lovely to hear it's going so much better, good :)

[WingDefence]

Wow it's been a year! Congrats

[Loopytiles]

Congrats goodtobetter! Good for you.

[Apparentlychilled]

Well done goodto!

[GoodtoBetter]

Been musing and stumbled on this. Thought I would update in case anyone wondered.

almost a year ago DM got in a foul mood because Dbro came to visit and went to his flat with us at the beach for 5 days. She had a fit of rage and slagged me and DH off (total character assassination) so I refused to answer my phone, she went totally batshit and basically emigrated back to the UK without a bye your leave (it all played out across the Stately home Threads). Obviously it was more complex (and horrible ) than that sounds, but that's the long and short of it.
She sold her house to the first people through the door and left in November 2014
DH got a short term contract through the council in January (last day is next week) and his dad died suddenly in the New year. He inherited some money so we put that and my money together and bought a house.
I sat my big professional exams in January (the day after DH's dad died) and passed all 3 with 2 merits.
Things are going well with the translation and I'm doing 2 days teaching in term time.
Had about 13 sessions of psychotherapy with the really excellent guy my brother saw, started when DM kicked off and finished (for now) in March. The therapy was brilliant, really helped. All in all things are great, although strange and sometimes I get hit by waves of sadness about Dm, but as my therapist says, I can't have the relationship I crave with her (he said, with all the ususal caveats about not diagnosing etc that she displayed narc traits). That makes me sad, it's like grief, but it's out of my control.
It still feels like an escape, a hard journey but the only choice.

[ChristinaTweet]

some of us don't have a mother and wish we still did

[GoodtoBetter]

Have you actually read this thread Christina? I'm sure your mum was lovely and I'm sorry you miss her but mine is not lovely. Mine is horrible. so horrible that she would rather cut me and her gc out and emigrate than apologise for calling a me thief and a liar. Your reply is so inappropriate it's breathtaking. Wish I'd never updated now.

[Custardmiteofglut]

I lurked on this and your previous thread Good and I'm glad you updated.

A big bloody WELL DONE for getting on so well with your life and passing your exams. You & your DH have, even when presented with bereavement and trials stuck it out and are doing great.

You deserve to be happy. I'm sorry other posters haven't bothered to rtft.

[Anniegetyourgun]

I wish I still had my mother too. But I sure as hell don't wish I had your mother! I remember your threads. You did so well managing her in as healthy a way as possible, but in the end the stubborn old... person... got away. Now you have Spain to yourselves (as it were). Result! And congratulations on the rest of the stuff, though commiserations to DH on the loss of his father.

So much for her being a feeble old woman who couldn't cope on her own, eh (but you never did buy that line).

[Aussiebean]

Hi Good.

Don't worry about those who don't understand what it is like to have a mother like yours/ours. They are lucky never to have had a mother who has no problem destroying their child's self esteem to satisfy their own sense of self.

My son is 8 weeks old. Despite knowing about him, I have heard nothing from my mother. Not a card, not a phone call not a text. Nothing. Not a how are you? Not a how is he? Not a is there anything I can do to help? Nothing.

Yet my aunt has spent over $500 just to fly here to visit him and help out.

People who critise would never conceive of the idea that their mother would be so uninterested.

I have followed from the start. You have done an amazing job looking after your children and protecting your marriage.

Your children will never have to cry over your abuse but will come to you in their hour of need.

And those who do critise should thank their lucky stars that they had at least some years with a supportive mother and knows what that's is like, instead of many more years dealing with an abusive one.

[Callmecordelia]

Please don't feel bad about updating. The person who should feel bad is the poster who made such a stupid comment. I am really pleased to see you are moving towards acceptance, and that things are starting to get better for you. Take care.