The Great Escape

[GoodtoBetter]

I thought I would start a new thread, for anyone who might be interested in listening to my waffling on about my struggles with a difficult, overbearing mother. Thank you to whoever it was who suggested the thread title! I've changed my name for something a bit more positive.
previous thread here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1565077-My-mother-hates-my-husband-long

[GoodtoBetter]

Thanks guys. I suppose it hit a nerve as that is exactly what she trained me all my life to feel and what our whole relationship was based on Fear, obligation and most of all GUILT. 13 sessions of really excellent psychotherapy have helped me a bit with that.
Congratulations on your son, Aussie that's fabulous news. I'm so sorry you have been upset by your mother's reaction, but not surprised either. Totally understand you. I can't even begin to fathom how my mother could voluntarily up and leave her GC, no matter what I had supposedly done (nothing). She is in contact with my brother but he says she doesn't mention them much and has never once asked him how they are or for photos or anything.
That is the overriding emotion lately, now that the adrenalin has died down. Just sad that she is how she is. Acceptance of what kind of person she is I suppose is beginning to creep in.

[lavenderhoney]

She may have engineered a row and used it as an excuse to leave. She has been very difficult though. It's great you still get on with your db, and I hope he still comes out to see you and you go and see him.

Things do sound so much better in your personal day to day life

[GoodtoBetter]

I think she engineered a row, yes but just because she is a drama llama and couldn't stand not being the centre of everything, couldn't stand us going away for 5 days without her. I think then once she realised I wasn't going running back apologising for "offending" her then she used that as an excuse for more drama, which had the added bonus of an excuse to go back to the UK. But I think it's not calculate further than a toddler calculates a tantrum.
Still close to DB, he's coming out for a week at the end of August and was here in April for a weekend. Really looking forward to seeing him.

[Aussiebean]

It is very much like a tantrum. They up the ante until you give in.

Unfortunately , this time you didn't give in and there is no way she was going to back down.

Suddenly she has exposed the lies she has been telling for years (I am so helpless you need to do everything for me at the expense of your husband and children) and she is all alone back home.

There is no way her pride will let her back down so she is stuck. Wallowing in the bed she made.

[Aussiebean]

I should say, unfortunately for her. Best thing you could do.

[GoodtoBetter]

Totally agree with everything there Aussiebean. And yes, best thing I could do but really the only thing. In her tantrumming and trying to force the reaction she wanted out of me (capitulation) it just backed me into a corner of NC because you just can't keep taking that shit. There comes a point (like with a toddler tantrum) where you just have to say "this is not acceptable, when you calm down and are ready to apologise we can talk". And it's hard as a child of a narc (especially an engulfing narc) because that is PRECISELY what you have learnt NOT to do your entire childhood, your whole life has been about capitulating, smoothing over, taking responsibility for other emotions, taking them on as your own. That was a big part of therapy actually, learning to feel my own emotions and stop feeling everyone else's for them iyswim.

[GoodtoBetter]

for other's emotions

[Aussiebean]

That is one thing i am beginning to realise as being a child of a narc

I struggle to actually have emotions. Sometimes I just feel nothing to situations that I should react to. Or I feel something but can't name it. Am I anxious, stressed, worried, nervous? I can't actually identify the emotion despite having a physical reaction.

They really stuff us up don't they.

[WingDefence]

Good! Thanks for the update. I've hardly been on MN after spending too far much of my life on her last year since last summer and have just been going through my old I'm On threads.

Glad you've had counselling and life over there seems to be working out well for you
(Ooh even a new icon since I was last on!)