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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

(D)H has just tried to throttle me in front of DCs

123 replies

Needsadvicequickly · 12/01/2013 12:21

We had a minor argument this morning, then all of a sudden he came storming into the room where I was with DC2 and screamed he hated me and tried to throttle me, I pushed him off and tried to leave room, he did it again, all witnessed by Dcs age 7 and 2. DCs both screaming in absolute terror. DH crying and apologising afterwards, eldest DC is distraught and thinks its his fault, he was still shaking and crying an hour afterwards. TBH I'm more upset and angry that the DCs witness this and DC1 missed his sport activity, that he loves, because of this. What the fuck do I do now? He has never been violent to me before, nor is he violent to anyone else. We have had issues in the past but always resolved them. We have been together nearly 16 years and have 2 DC, we rent our house. Is it true that once its happened it will most certainly happen again. I'm not scared of him, to be honet I would have probably attempted to fight back had the dcs not been there. Any advice will be mostly appreciated.

OP posts:
ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 12/01/2013 12:23

Ask him to leave
Phone the police

BookieMonster · 12/01/2013 12:23

Call the police, now. You need to get him out of the house so you get some space to consider your options. Are you sure you're OK?

snoopdogg · 12/01/2013 12:23

He's crossed the line. It will happen again. Is he still there?

Doyouthinktheysaurus · 12/01/2013 12:24

Call the police!

Don't think, just do it! He could have killed you.

lisad123everybodydancenow · 12/01/2013 12:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thistledew · 12/01/2013 12:25

Call the police. The only way you have a chance that he will not do it again is for you to show that you will not tolerate his behaviour one little bit. If it was anyone but your partner you would have no hesitation in having him arrested.

MrsMcEnroe · 12/01/2013 12:26

Phone the police and ask for their help in having him removed. This is the only thing you should be doing now. Emotions and analysis can come later. Protect yourself and your children, and show your children that violence will not be tolerated.

NatashaBee · 12/01/2013 12:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

uhohwhathaveidone · 12/01/2013 12:27

Just so you know - and this ISN'T to scare you off calling the police (you NEED to do that, now!), they will get social services to call round and speak to you.

This is a perfectly standard procedure and all police forces have to notify SS when domestic violence is carried out in homes where children are present.

Just telling you so you're not surprised, like I was when it happened to me.

My ex liked to do this; then blame me afterwards, saying the fact I'd stood in the doorway to stop him leaving with my son 'made' him throttle me.

They NEVER just do it once; for me it was 4 or 5 times and every time I dropped police charges and went back to him. The last time, he strangled me to near unconsciousness.

Call the police, and get out of the house with the kids if you haven't already.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/01/2013 12:28

Call the police. You've been assaulted in your own home and no amount of tears from your attacker alters that.

dequoisagitil · 12/01/2013 12:28

He needs to leave the house. If he's genuinely sorry, he'll go.

He could have easily killed you. Don't dismiss this possibility - even if that was not his intent, a mite too much pressure on the neck and you'd be dead right now.

Get safe, now, for yourself and the dc. That means he has to get out. Worry about what happens afterwards later.

Anniegetyourgun · 12/01/2013 12:30

It's possible, if this is completely out of character, that he was having a psychotic episode and couldn't help himself, but that's even more reason to take quick action because it would be a matter of his health as well as danger to you and the DCs. Mind you, just because he hasn't done it before doesn't mean it's out of character as such.

BelleoftheFall · 12/01/2013 12:35

"Is it true that once its happened it will most certainly happen again."

Correct. It might be a while and he will be on his best behaviour for a period of time, but it will very likely happen again. Google "cycle of abuse" and you'll be able to see what will happen next.

Believe me when I say he will cry and be horrified and apologise a thousand times over. He'll promise you he will never do it again and seem to be a loving, considerate husband. He'll swear he'll get help and probably beg you to help him...and everything will be fine until he does it again.

Strangling is extremely dangerous and can very easily lead to injury or death. He needs to leave and you should call the police so you can protect yourself from this behaviour and your children from witnessing it.

LoopsInHoops · 12/01/2013 12:37

Sorry to say the same as everyone else, but you do definitely need to call the police. It's unlikely to be a one-off, and if it isn't you need it to have been documented, even if you don't take it further right now.

I know you are already, but you need to keep the welfare of your children as your priority. I witnessed my father trying to kill my mother three times. The fact that there were three times (actually, there were more, but I was only there for three) has always haunted me. She could have saved us all a lot of pain if she had had the courage to get help sooner.

Please make sure this is documented, and that some people you trust (parents? Friends?) know about this. Even if everything goes back to normal tomorrow you need people looking out for you to make sure.

Hope you're OK, kids too. :)

Fairenuff · 12/01/2013 12:39

Call the police.

If this was a one off it will stay that way regardless.

If he says he lost control then none of you are safe. It could be one of the children next time.

If he didn't lose control, he did it purposefully to intimidate and dominate you.

Neither is acceptable.

tribpot · 12/01/2013 12:40

Please please call the police. If nothing else your children need to see that such violence will always be dealt with.

Please don't think you could have protected yourself were it not for the dc. As others have commented, strangling is a very serious form of attack. And in any case, the fact is the dc were there, and are likely to be there next time as well.

Thumbwitch · 12/01/2013 12:41

Anniegetyourgun could be right, it could be a psychotic episode, especially if it's completely out of character/out of the blue - but you still need to call the police!

This happened to a poster who is no longer on here, her H turned out to be having a psychotic episode because he was overusing drugs and needed to be hospitalised.

So either way, call the police.
Very :( for you that this has happened, and in front of your DC too.

mmmmsleep · 12/01/2013 12:45

Please call the police now. Several reasons...it is logged as dv even if you decide to stay with him so if it happens again you have records.
...it teaches your children that violence has serious consequences and is not acceptable
...it shows your h that you are serious and do not take it lightly.

Do you have any problems swallowing or breathing? Post strangling you can get a swelling inside that can cause compression of your windpipe. Problems swallowing is an early sign of this and you should go to a&e.

Do you have any rl friends or family that can come around to be with you?
Where dh goes is not your problem he needs to leave the house now and also accept there are consequences to his actions.

Best of luck with it all op.

TheSecondComing · 12/01/2013 12:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Needsadvicequickly · 12/01/2013 12:48

Thanks all. I'm sat here in shock. He is now out with DC1. I just can't believe what he's done. I'm tempted to see what happens for the next few days. I hear what you are saying but its just so out of character but you are right, it could be my dcs next time. Oh god. Crying again now. Will be back later.

OP posts:
LoopsInHoops · 12/01/2013 12:49

NO.

There is NO point just leaving it.

FairPhyllis · 12/01/2013 12:49

Phone the police. You will never be safe again if you do not - he will know that he can strangle you and there will be no repercussions.

He could have killed you in front of your children.

LoopsInHoops · 12/01/2013 12:50

Plus, are you sure him taking a child alone was a great idea right now? Do you have a definite time they will be back?

FairPhyllis · 12/01/2013 12:51

Cross-posted. NO. Your DC will from now on be living in terror that Dad might attack Mum again at any time. Do it NOW.

Thumbwitch · 12/01/2013 12:51

CALL THE POLICE NOW. While he is out.
JUST DO IT.

If it IS a psychotic episode, he may need medical help - JUST DO IT NOW.