He had his hands around my throat and was squeezing my neck really hard, I tried lashing out but he is much bigger than me and anyway my 3 year old was standing so close to it all that every time I lashed out and she was getting hit. I didn't want to hit her and his physical strength was far greater than mine, so I had only one option left, play dead. That was my last thought until i woke up in the ambulance. The best actress Oscar nod will have to wait because I blacked out before I could get my Meryl Streep on.
Its amazing what the human brain is capable of, the way it acts on instinct and filters out all the less important things in a moment of crisis.
This was the second time he attacked me the first was a 14 months earlier.
Hindsight being a marvellous thing I now realised he was upping the ante very subtly in those 14 months (nothing major, just more of his passive aggressive crap in a futile attempt to dominate me). I ended our relationship that day, I really didn't want us to end but I could see no other way (to be honest I'd hoped he would see the light and we would get back together). That night he offered to get me a MacDonald's but I said it would be difficult to eat because my jaw was swollen he laughed and said he would get straws, that's when I knew, he hadn't stepped over a line he had hurdled a fucking great chasm.
14 months later was the second time. I would never had believed it would happen a second time. What I did not know and probably my Ex did not know either was that first time was the hardest and the second time was always going to be easier.
In the court case that followed he tried the "Psychotic break" line but that was further evidence of him not taking responsibility (a pattern of behaviour that hindsight also revealed).
You love him so why would you hurt, humiliate etc him by calling the Police. As embarrassing and mortifying as being reported to the Police is, if he is truly is sorry it wouldn't trump the devastation of physically and emotionally hurting those that he claims to love. Calling the Police may be the only way of saving your relationship, use it as a catalyst for real change. If you did that to him and to your children what would be worse, the Police being called or the act of violence itself. If you believe calling the Police demonstrates disloyalty, lack of devotion etc than your low opinion of you and your children's worth match his.
Saying sorry doesn't stop history repeating, only bloody hard work and the knowledge that something bigger and stronger won't be taken in by all the talk (The Police).
I got over what he did to me pretty quickly (there is no way I would let that weak inadequate mess with my future), what still makes my blood boil is the fear he inflicted on our daughter.
Apologies for the essay but learn from my mistake. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.