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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

(D)H has just tried to throttle me in front of DCs

123 replies

Needsadvicequickly · 12/01/2013 12:21

We had a minor argument this morning, then all of a sudden he came storming into the room where I was with DC2 and screamed he hated me and tried to throttle me, I pushed him off and tried to leave room, he did it again, all witnessed by Dcs age 7 and 2. DCs both screaming in absolute terror. DH crying and apologising afterwards, eldest DC is distraught and thinks its his fault, he was still shaking and crying an hour afterwards. TBH I'm more upset and angry that the DCs witness this and DC1 missed his sport activity, that he loves, because of this. What the fuck do I do now? He has never been violent to me before, nor is he violent to anyone else. We have had issues in the past but always resolved them. We have been together nearly 16 years and have 2 DC, we rent our house. Is it true that once its happened it will most certainly happen again. I'm not scared of him, to be honet I would have probably attempted to fight back had the dcs not been there. Any advice will be mostly appreciated.

OP posts:
MushroomSoup · 12/01/2013 12:52

You can't do nothing, you really can't.

Your children saw this. They need to know this is not acceptable and see their mother refusing to put up with it.

I'm so sorry, I know it's really, really hard. Why don't you riing the police (non emergency number) and ask for advice? That might feel like less of a step.

ProphetOfDoom · 12/01/2013 12:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Anniegetyourgun · 12/01/2013 12:53

He's gone out... with a child? After just randomly rushing in and trying to strangle his wife?

Please try to think, I know you're in shock now, but this is a BAD IDEA.

CajaDeLaMemoria · 12/01/2013 12:53

Phone now. Please.

All of them act sorry. Some of them probably are genuinely sorry. All of them do it again. Once violence has been bought into the equation, it never leaves.

Your children will always have that memory. They'll always be a little bit scared of him, even in 20 years. Get them away from him, today.

TheSecondComing · 12/01/2013 12:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

uhohwhathaveidone · 12/01/2013 12:54

Please don't leave it!

That was my attitude too and it took another 6 months before he did it again.

It crossed my mind when I was still with him, that if one day my DD 'annoyed him' the way he says I did (she has a very similar, fiery personality to me); would he throttle her, too?

Please don't even risk it; he did something very dangerous and in front of your children, he needs to be punished/got help for.

FairPhyllis · 12/01/2013 12:55

If DC1 discloses it at school to someone, or to a friend or friend's parent, police and SS will be involved anyway. If YOU call them now, it will be easier to work with them to protect you and your children.

It WILL happen again, and you may not be so lucky next time.

KnockMeDown · 12/01/2013 12:55

I'm sorry, I don't normally post on threads like this, as have not had any personal experience of this, but BUT - you said DC1 was distraught and crying for an hour after what he witnessed, and now he is out with DH? WHY?

If it was me, I would not be letting him anywhere near my children, let alone them going out somewhere!

I'm sorry, again, but I cannot get my head around this...

ProphetOfDoom · 12/01/2013 12:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LoopsInHoops · 12/01/2013 12:55

Some possible reason this could have happened:

  1. He wants to kill you - police needed
  2. He is having some kind of psychotic episode - police / urgent doctors needed
  3. He is having a breakdown - urgent doctors needed
  4. He has some kind of sudden serious neurological problem that is affecting his actions - urgent doctors needed

I can't think of a single scenario where either police or an ambulance aren't needed. Can you?

VisualiseAHorse · 12/01/2013 12:55

Ask him to leave, while you consider the safety of yourself and your children.

tribpot · 12/01/2013 12:56

Please at least phone a friend, neighbour or someone from your family. You are right, you are in shock.

TweedSlacks · 12/01/2013 12:56

Police , No question
He needs a wake up call , and you have to show him this sort of behavior is never acceptable and there has to be consequences
You phone no. can be logged for rapid response in case when he does it again

Thumbwitch · 12/01/2013 12:57

Schmalzing, yes, the photos were horrific. Afaik, she's pretty much left MN - couldn't be doing with it any more. She may still lurk though.

And Annie has yet another good point - if your H is on a psychotic episode (and of course we don't know that but it's still a possibility) - WTAF are you doing letting him out with one of your DC??

CALL THE POLICE NOW

KnockMeDown · 12/01/2013 12:58

To follow Loops post, surely, if he tried to throttle you twice, YOU could probably possibly need urgent medical attention?

dequoisagitil · 12/01/2013 12:59

What will happen over the next few days if you do nothing, is that all will seem to go back to normal and you'll minimise it and focus on his good points - and then sometime in the future it'll happen again... And you'll end up injured or dead or the dc will get in the middle and get hurt - he's already done them harm by bringing violence into their home.

You need to take this seriously. You're probably in shock right now and hoping it's a bad dream.

Call Women's Aid or the local DV unit. He needs to leave your home, at least for a while. Pack him a bag while he's out.

soulresolution · 12/01/2013 12:59

Please don't leave it OP no matter how out of character it seems. You had a row and then he spent time stewing and working himself up into a rage, thinking about what he was going to do to you. You are in danger.

Original poster
Needsadvicequickly · 12/01/2013 12:59

Hi Loops, I have no worries that he won't come back or harm dc1. Although that seems a bit ridiculous now considering what's happening. Deep down I know you are all right. But he's usually a fab dad, great husband etc. I'm sat here looking at my beautiful dc2, and I know I can't just leave it for their sakes. Fuck.fuck.fuck. neck bit bruised, nothing major. Seeing my dad tomorrow, he will go mental if he finds out what has happened. Maybe that would be for thebest. Right, now going to get dcs lunch. Thanks again you lovely vipers!

OP posts:
AlienReflux · 12/01/2013 12:59

needadvice you are in shock, understandable, he has never done this before, so why has he done it now??
He's either not well, in which case he needs help, or he's about to start being a full on abuser.
Love, I know you have been together a long time, as have me and my DP, but honestly, there is something badly wrong that he's done this now, and seeing how it goes aint going to cut it.

TB totally honest, I wouldn't have him alone with my children at the moment either.

LoopsInHoops · 12/01/2013 13:00

Good point made above.

Call the police now, and they will treat it seriously, will inform SS but SS will know that you are being responsible and protecting your children.

Don't call them, your 7 year old will soon tell someone (and will need to in order to externalise his shock and grief; if he doesn't tell someone I would be very worried about his emotional wellbeing), who will then call SS, who in turn will recognise that you are incapable of protecting your children.

Sorry to be harsh, but think about it.

MillyStar · 12/01/2013 13:01

Why the fuck have you just let him take your child out are you mad!!!!

Don't be one of those people who comes on here and ignores all the advice, you're giving him the go ahead to let him do it again

I give up

tribpot · 12/01/2013 13:01

How you can possibly believe you know your DH well enough to be certain he will return with your dc1? Your response is not rational. Obviously this is to be expected but I'm telling you that what you perceive as logic is a panic response.

dequoisagitil · 12/01/2013 13:03

Call your dad now. Tell someone in real life.

LoopsInHoops · 12/01/2013 13:03

"I have no worries that he won't come back or harm dc1" Oh really? And did you have any worries before today that he might suddenly strangle you? You can't trust what you beleive about him, not until you know what caused this. You have no idea what he might do to you or your children. None. Just because he has always been a good dad does not mean he is, and certainly doesn't mean that he is capable of looking after a small child right now. How can you possibly trust him enough after that with your child alone? And your poor, poor son who will be terrified to be with him right now. :(

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 12/01/2013 13:03

What others have said. SS will get involved when you're DC tells someone.

You have so far done nothing to protect your children from this happening again.

SS see protection of children as paramount, if you won't protect them, they will find someone who will.

Call the police. Now