Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

(D)H has just tried to throttle me in front of DCs

123 replies

Needsadvicequickly · 12/01/2013 12:21

We had a minor argument this morning, then all of a sudden he came storming into the room where I was with DC2 and screamed he hated me and tried to throttle me, I pushed him off and tried to leave room, he did it again, all witnessed by Dcs age 7 and 2. DCs both screaming in absolute terror. DH crying and apologising afterwards, eldest DC is distraught and thinks its his fault, he was still shaking and crying an hour afterwards. TBH I'm more upset and angry that the DCs witness this and DC1 missed his sport activity, that he loves, because of this. What the fuck do I do now? He has never been violent to me before, nor is he violent to anyone else. We have had issues in the past but always resolved them. We have been together nearly 16 years and have 2 DC, we rent our house. Is it true that once its happened it will most certainly happen again. I'm not scared of him, to be honet I would have probably attempted to fight back had the dcs not been there. Any advice will be mostly appreciated.

OP posts:
CajaDeLaMemoria · 12/01/2013 13:05

Please, please call the police.

Your children need you to do this. They need the chance to talk this out with trained professionals, they need a dad who is assessed and gets help, and they need to feel secure and loved at home.

Call them, now. Lunch can wait. This can't. The longer you leave it, the more damage will be done.

Anniegetyourgun · 12/01/2013 13:05

You had no worries that he would put his hands around your throat less than 6 hours ago, either Confused

And now you're going to make lunch. Comforting, familiar chores. Yes, um, but, after the phone call? Please?

ProphetOfDoom · 12/01/2013 13:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

soulresolution · 12/01/2013 13:06

Can you go to your Dad's today? Take the dc and go there.

AlienReflux · 12/01/2013 13:06

How did DS1 seem when he was going out with his Dad? Ten to One he's shitting his self.

Please step up, he didn't give the kids a thought when he was throttling their mother in front of them.

AThingInYourLife · 12/01/2013 13:11

Don't keep this assault a secret from your Dad.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/01/2013 13:11

Your 7 year old is all too aware of what happened this morning and likely too blames himself for his Dad's violence towards his mother.

Lunch can indeed wait, a phone call to the Police is needed now. You are in shock but that will subside. There is no justification for him being violent and the only amount of abuse acceptable within a relationship is NONE.

What do you want to teach them about relationships?. Please do not impart further poor lessons to them by maintaining normality and showing them that it is okay for their Dad to wallop their mother. You must call the police and show your H that there are indeed consequences for his actions.

LaCiccolina · 12/01/2013 13:13

How are you feeling now?

My advice is different. I'll get flamed probs but I'm trying to listen to your full post, not just the headline. You have been together 16yrs, is this completely out of character? Assuming yes, then actually I suggest you call a good friend pref one with a husband kids you all know well and you unload to them both. Get their views together. Get someone outside of your house but in your circle knowing what happened.

Personally calling the police is knee jerk to us reading your title. This is a snapshot of your life. You need support in your world. Yes dh has been an utter arse of a very tall order, but I'm not up for hanging him yet til you either post more or it's clear to you that yes actually the police are required.

This has to be discussed by your family too. Hope your all ok.

LoopsInHoops · 12/01/2013 13:19

Lacicc are you insane? He could have killer her! Hmm

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/01/2013 13:20

This man however, attacked his wife twice in front of their two children this morning after a minor argument. There is also no justification for his actions; seeing red mist is not an excuse.

Getting family friends involved is a bad idea; they will perhaps not want to get involved in anything that they see as a "domestic" anyway. Also such people should not be acting as any potential counsellor.

Speaking to both the Police and Womens Aid are the proper ways forward here. This assault needs to be reported; if this had happened in the street the perpatrator would be arrested. This although it happened behind closed doors is really no different. The injuries have to be documented.

You needsadvicequickjly need to feel safe; he being within your home will not make you feel safe.

bamboozled · 12/01/2013 13:22

I agree with LaCi.. Put some space btw you&the kids and him, with friends so you gave support.. Then work out what to do next, but don't leave him with your kids or you on your own until you work
what happened, triggers etc - Whatever the cause - it is not normal and is domestic violence. Imagine if your kids came to you and described that scene to you, but it had happened to them - how would you react/advise? It is NOT rational behaviour and you need to accept that, not hide from what just happened.

BandersnatchCummerbund · 12/01/2013 13:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bamboozled · 12/01/2013 13:24

Sorry - meant to say have support, not gave support - you and your kids need to be in a safe place NOW. You will be in shock which is why calling the police seems wrong to you at the moment.

TeenTwinsToddlerandTiaras · 12/01/2013 13:25

If you are not worried for yourself then at least act for your DC. It is EXTREMELY damaging for them to witness this and I speak from very bitter experience. Your poor 7 year old will never be the same and my heart bleeds for him. He will need a lot of help to understand this.

If you don't want to call the police and lets face it, there is no going back from that, my advice would be to call your dad and/or any male friends immediately and get them round (tell them to park away from the house if necessary so your H does not know anyone's there). When your H gets back with DC1, your dad can take him outside and tell him to leave as you cannot have him in the house right now. He is to go to A&E or out of hours GP and get some help before he is allowed home again no matter how long it takes. If he is a 'decent' man, he will accept this, if not you have your answer.

You have nothing to be ashamed of so don't hide it. If not for your sake, at least your DC's.

LoopsInHoops · 12/01/2013 13:27

Hi all

I have had a PM conversation with Needsadvicequickly, who wanted me to tell you that she is calling someone now, but has hidden the thread as she's finding it even more distressing than she already is.

She said she feels bad for abandoning the thread but her head is pounding and she's in shock.

struwelpeter · 12/01/2013 13:29

Again echoing everyone else. Call the police. You will get help, outside objective help to deal with this. He has done something very, very serious but if it was a one-off or to do with something outside the home i.e. stress or whatever he will also be in a position to get help too.
You honestly can't handle this alone, it is such a disturbing thing and one that needs help from outside from those professionals who do understand. If a bloke on the bus did this, do you think you'd be holding back?
Once you begin to reach out, then you will begin to find solutions. Until then it's just a question of waiting for it to happen again, living in a complete mindf**k and walking on eggshells. That goes for your DC too.

Anniegetyourgun · 12/01/2013 13:29

Oh good. Give her a bracing pat on the back from me - no, sod it, a warm hug.

CanIRingTheBell · 12/01/2013 13:31

I hope the OP is ok, sending her big hugs xx

AThingInYourLife · 12/01/2013 13:38

Tell her she owes us nothing, and if she needs to leave the thread she has no need to feel bad.

But let her know we'll still be her if she wants to come back at any point.

Nice one, LoopsIn.

yani · 12/01/2013 13:41

Loops Who is she calling?

OP-
Your lack of action is shows your children that you are doing nothing to protect them.
And everything to protect him.

Bad move. Please call the police.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/01/2013 13:46

"h has been an utter arse of a very tall order"

If I went into a neighbour's house now and throttled them in front of their kids, terrifying them and leaving bruises I would not be 'an arse'... I'd be 'a criminal'. This man is a criminal

Fairenuff · 12/01/2013 13:49

OP is in shock and currently running on autopilot, hence the lunch making.

However, as it sinks in she will hopefully get the support she needs.

Good to hear she is phoning someone. Is it her dad?

LoopsInHoops · 12/01/2013 13:49

I don't know who she's calling. I really hope it's the police, or someone who will contact them immediately on her behalf. I'm glad she hid the thread before that fucking ridiculous 'advice' on how to enable a potentially psychopathic abuser by LaCiccolina. Hmm

I'm not going to pass messages onto her, she has hidden the thread for a reason and I think we have to respect that.

mummywithnosleep · 12/01/2013 13:52

You need to call the POLICE

You can call them they will come and take a statement you and your DC will get some breathing room.

BUT you need this RECORDED NOW..

Please if you can´t call them then ask someone else to a friend, or even pm someone here and they will make the call for you.

Monday you and DC´s need to go to the GP for some help

You CAN¨T DO NOTHING, you could when it was only you, but you have DCs and they need there mum to be strong and set out that this was wrong beyond belief.

If DP has had some sort of problem he will get the help he needs and will COMPLETLY understand you calling the police once he is well.

If DP is acutally violent and hid it from you he will NOT be happy about you calling the police BUT you will be safe and your kids will not have to watch something like that again.

Thingiebob · 12/01/2013 13:54

Definitely need to call the police. My dad did this to my mother after 15 years. It ended up being a mental breakdown, he wasn't a necessarily violent man.