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Original poster

it's a new dawn, it's a new day ..........it dating thread 36!

999 replies

lulubellaboozle · 11/01/2013 12:30

Post away daters x

OP posts:
OhWesternWind · 15/01/2013 12:56

Hello everyone! Late lunch today so just catching up.

Well, after my dithering about last week about letting LM know some of my issues stemming from horrible ex, I tried twice to talk to him about this, once on the phone and once in person (albeit not at a good time, but he did ask). Didn't work very well, was a bit tongue-tied and incoherent, but I did manage to talk to him a bit about lacking self-confidence and being anxious about things.

So I decided that I would send a text Sunday evening. It was basically saying that I wasn't doing very well with actually talking, so to stop things dragging on until February here it is - a) I'm really unsettled by ex making contact again and worried that this means he'll start trying to find us again (he doesn't know where dcs and I live) and b) that as a result of the crap with ex, sometimes my self confidence is low and I could do with some reassurance from him about how he feels about me and c) stemming from this I find it very difficult to be open about my feelings as it makes me vulnerable, but I am trying to get better with this, and just because I don't say a lot about how I feel about him (LM) doesn't mean that I don't have strong feelings, I do. That's the gist, anyway. I didn't think it was too heavy or anything, also I put in a little bit more about how I feel about him.

And in return I got . . . nothing. Nothing at all. Not a phone call, not a text. He did text yesterday but about something else, I replied and sent a joky text in the evening, but no reply to either. He is horrendously busy atm, his business is due to open this month and what he texted me about was that he now has the go-ahead with some stuff, so it's all systems go. But not too busy to send a text, I would have thought.

Oh dear.

I am feeling pretty sad and let down, particularly in light of what I texted about.

Don't know what to do now, really.

lubeybooby · 15/01/2013 12:56

Voice, well speaking for myself here it's not about game playing to me... it's basic manners and judging if they actually have enough interest in me to be bothered to text.

Manners say in Dolly's situation where she waiting to know the venue, and also leaving it that late is he really that bothered about meeting at all?

I wouldn't want to be kept hanging on til the last minute for someone who isn't excited at least a little bit about it. Happy enough about it to wake up in the morning and think 'ooh I must text Dolly to meet at whateverplace'

The ball was in his court after all.

All just goes with that saying about never making someone a priority if they consider you merely an option.

lubeybooby · 15/01/2013 12:59

OWW I would think he's probably waiting to speak in person about it?

He was the first one to mention the L word... I wouldn't worry. Just keep remembering that he isn't your ex and how nicely things have been going, that, and that you do know how he feels about you hopefully should be reassurance enough for now?

48howdidthathappen · 15/01/2013 13:02

OWW Maybe LM needs a little time to take what you said on board. He is still in contact, so try not to over think it. Easier said I know.

JulietteMontague · 15/01/2013 13:10

Western maybe, in your bid not to be too heavy you actually underplayed it a bit? Unless he knows a fair bit already, you may have not go through to him, especially as he is horrendously busy at the moment and may have taken it all at face value i.e. you want to talk to him, your ex is bothering you and sometimes you want re-assurance from him, you have feelings for him. Another maybe, he might already know all this in practice and does not realise the significance to you of telling him now.

Timing is also everything, so don't stress as although this is seriously important to you and the culmination of months of angst, he has no idea that it is such a big deal.

Remember when he was potentially very seriously ill and you were worried about how he really felt about you? Timing.

OhWesternWind · 15/01/2013 13:14

Well Lubey yes that could be it. I am either going to speak to him about it face to face or just leave it, but I am just feeling a bit crap because if it were the other way round I would have sent a reassuring text back, something like "Don't worry about anything, we'll have a chat when we see each other".

We are not gushy people either of us and tbh I wouldn't like it if he was, but I just wish sometimes he was more forthcoming. And me as well! We are pretty similar, I think, which can be both a good thing and a bad thing.

OhWesternWind · 15/01/2013 13:21

Thanks 48. My friend sent me something really great about fear/anxiety yesterday which I've copied below because it really resonated with me and it might help someone else. I am trying to keep this in mind and I'm also planning some stuff to do this week to stop me whittling whilst he is slaving away! I know my triggers, I know when and why I get bad about things so I should be able to keep more of a handle on it.

"The fear is simply because you are not living with life. You are living in your mind. Your fear is always about what?s going to happen next. That means your fear is always about that which does not exist. If your fear is about the nonexistent, your fear is 100% imaginary. If you are suffering the non-existential, we call that insanity. So, people may be in just socially accepted levels of insanity. But, if you?re afraid, or if you are suffering anything which does not exist, it amounts to insanity, doesn?t it? People are always suffering, either what happened yesterday, or what may happen tomorrow. So your suffering is always about that which does not exist. Simply because you are not rooted in reality. You are always rooted in your mind. Mind is one part of it is memory, another part is imagination. Both of them are in one way imagination. Because both of them don?t exist right now. You are lost in your imagination, that is the basis of your fear. If you are rooted in reality, there would be no fear.? ? Sadhguru

Juliette, yep, I was quite unemotional and detached about it because then it's easier. And I guess that yes, he does know all this stuff already and all I did was put it together, so it is quite likely that it could seem like something and nothing. Actually, when I saw it written down I thought, oh, that doesn't really seem like anything major at all, but in my head it is! So, I am going to crack on with my anti-whittling plan which involves keeping busy and starting meditation again.

I am going to lie low for a couple of days and leave LM to get on with his stuff and see how things go.

OhWesternWind · 15/01/2013 13:27

Lulu good luck with that talking thing! I'm in two minds about the ex stuff - on the one hand, it's good that she's not plotting vengeance and wishing him eternal damnation for seeing someone else, but on the other they do seem a little too involved in each other's lives. There's a difference between being friendly and being friends with an ex. I suppose though that it's just one of those things and if she settles down with someone else it will all die away.

Dolly what happened in the end?

48howdidthathappen · 15/01/2013 13:40

OWW When are seeing LM next?

OhWesternWind · 15/01/2013 13:57

Well, that's the thing, I'm not sure. We were going to meet this week but now it's all systems go for his business he can't. I know this isn't an excuse, he's been waiting for months for this to get sorted out, but it is just bad timing. He only found out this was sorted yesterday afternoon, so we've not spoken or texted about meeting up since then.

So that doesn't help either. But I am remaining calm.

Original poster
lulubellaboozle · 15/01/2013 13:59

Western I think what Juliette and 48 say could all be very true, he won't be aware of any of the inner turmoil, only how it is presented to him, and as you say, he knows it all already, you just put it together for him. I think that quote is brilliant, and so apt - that's the world I live in too!

I think it needs to be a face to face conversation so you can see his reaction and get an immediate response says she who can't do it herself!

hugs to you, hope you are seeing him soon, I bet the minute you set eyes on him all your fears will disappear Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
lulubellaboozle · 15/01/2013 14:03

x posted! Western do you remember when he had his health scare he was very tied up in what he was going through (understandably) and didn't have the headspace for anything else. The business thing, is similar in some ways, something that is consuming his thinking and doesn't leave room to spend a lot of time considering other things.

Men and multi-tasking and all that (apologies to all the men on this thread)!!

OP posts:
lubeybooby · 15/01/2013 14:11

Good point lulubella

Whatever is going on with him though anyway I'm sure it's nothing to worry about :) probably a combination of everything mentioned here

48howdidthathappen · 15/01/2013 14:17

OWW It does sound like he is very focused on new business at the moment. I felt similar with my mum and Mr R&R, sometimes you just don't have enough headspace. I am sure he is thinking of you Smile hope you can get together as soon as circumstances allow.

OhWesternWind · 15/01/2013 14:20

Thanks, you're both right. I know he will be very wrapped up in his work at the moment, just a bad timing thing. He did get the same about his health, but he does kind of "go into his cave" a bit as well if he is finding something difficult, so I'm not sure which one he's doing now.

I am just going to take things easy and maybe talk to him about it later, maybe not . . .

FateLovesTheFearless · 15/01/2013 14:53

Watch - I am alright over the break up now, I wasn't initially even though it was at my instigation. He had gradually started coming over later and later at night, texts were minimal and he let me down Christmas night but wasn't going to bother letting me know. We initially sorted things, got back together then he let me down the very next day. In hindsight I never should have taken up with him as he is just too immature in a relationship sense but it was fun and there is no hard feelings.

I think I was more upset over the fact it was the most 'normal' three months of a relationship I have ever had in terms of just having fun, no fighting etc and it still didnt work out.

But I am actually loving being single and doing well on maintaining it despite a few attempts from a few people to change that. Life's just a whole lot less complicated :)

Hope things go well with chilli boy!

watchoutforthatsnail · 15/01/2013 17:29

cheers fate :)
nothing wrong with a bit of lightness for a while, glad you enjoyed it and knew when it was time to end it ( millions of women dont)

Ike - haha, i knew instantally what ' alternative lifesytle' was. Always the super clever/ geeky ones!!!

OWW- bless you. Im going to say something, and please dont be offended. But i think its you, in that, things are all fine with him, he says he loves you, its all ok, but because of your last realtionship, you dont believe it, or keep looking for reassurance, or confimation. Like someone said upthread, he might not have realised the significance of what you said, or really understood what you meant. I kind of think, that either you are unhappy with the whole thing, and need to call it a day, or you need to try and deal with it and stop worrying. He isnt your ex, you dont need to be on alert 24/7. relax and enjoy it.

48, hows your mum? ( is it ok to ask?)

Texts with chilli boy all last night, and today :) i really like him.

AND, was chatting at work, lots of people there do online dating, so have been bonding over horror stories all day, and talking about our various upcoming dates. Its really nice to talk about it in rl, i do love my new work :)

ike1 · 15/01/2013 17:37

Actually Watch your very words were ringing in my head when all was revealled - cant believe what a numpty I am road protesting indeed. Lol!!

ike1 · 15/01/2013 17:39

He reckons he is 'over it' now...

watchoutforthatsnail · 15/01/2013 17:44

yeah yeah, id not believe that for a second, he was testing your reaction, and as its not gone well, hes backing out..... or trying to lesen it. Before he tries to stear the conversation round that way, this time in a more subtle way.
:)
how funny. interestingly, one i knew who was very extream, loved war stuff, and naval facts... soon as you said about the civil war thing i was laughing.
:)
dont tell him about your iron clad knickers...
hahahaha

ike1 · 15/01/2013 17:48

Oh gawd it so isnt me...what a chore lol....so you really reckon he is not 'over it'?? Hmmm

ike1 · 15/01/2013 17:49

He sounds quite extreme bordering on 'addiction'...

ike1 · 15/01/2013 17:49

Yeah he'd love my iron clad knick knacks very kinky..

watchoutforthatsnail · 15/01/2013 17:53

course not, else he wouldnt have mentioned it in his profile.

He put it there, anyone who 'knows' would know immediatley what he means, so, hes kind of looking for that.

( like someone said, bit like a drug, easy to get addicted too, looking for a next high. Dont forget, with things like fetish, its not a choice, much like sexuality, its part of them, they cant just turn it on and off)

If he was truely over it, and not looking for it, why would he even mention it........

watchoutforthatsnail · 15/01/2013 17:57

ike, it is. The highs are high, its exciting :)
thing is, the exciting, if you do it often enough, becomes mundane, so, you need to ramp it up... and so it progresses.

And fetish ( whats his ' thing' ) isnt a choice, true fetish, is just part of them, they cant control it, half of them wished it wasnt there.... but it just is. Of course, some people just enjoy fetish clubs because its been trendy, or is a bit daring... so, you know, less of an issue ( if of course, any of it is an issue for you)