it's a new dawn, it's a new day ..........it dating thread 36!

[lulubellaboozle]

Post away daters x

Thanks Lulu he has just e-mailed to say he is depressed (I had mentioned that to him) and he thinks he is headed for a breakdown !! Part of me just wants to hug him and part of me rather more harshly thinks "Thank God I'm out" -abusive exH had a mountain of mental health issues , which I tried to help him with for years resulting in huge problems for me and my Ds

Scooby, sorry that's happened, I know how crappy it feels, especially when everything seems to have been going so well, you never quite know what's going on in someone else's head.

not all women, just those who are considering starting dating. Like I said, it's the same as starting a new job at the same time as moving house - if there is something you can do to make it less likely to fail, like making sure you haven't used up all your babysitting-circle credits, or whatever, then do it. It's not a gripe against all women, or all mothers. It was a general piece of advice from my point of view on a forum read by lots of mothers who are considering dating.

And I'm not sure what I'm going to do. She is nice, and I'll maybe just hold off on dating other people as I've got stuff going on too and I'd rather see if she's free in a couple of weeks. But a couple of months ago I would have been out of there. There are so many ways, doing OD, that you just cross someone off your list - too short. Small hands ( :) ) Too sporty/not sporty enough.

Not being available for two or three weeks is just one of those reasons, and it's one that people do have some control over. That was my point.

And thing is, as far as the girl I was talking about - it would change between dates 3 and 4, if we got that far. She's just used up all her baby sitting favours over christmas and then started dating. So we won't get to dates 3 and 4 a month down the line when she has babysitting available again, because I'm not willing to wait 3 weeks for date 2 as she's not free. It's not about general availability of babysitting, it's about being less available than is usual.

Scooby sorry, but he should have thought about keeping your friendship before he got involved. Very selfish of him to try and have standby for tea and sympathy when he feels like it. You know there is nothing you can do so do nothing, which includes not even replying

nomorepain thank you for your kind words and sorry about what you are currently facing. As you know, my husband left me for a woman he'd been seeing behind my back for 2 years. He left 3 months ago and is now renting a flat with OW and has introduced her to my 3.5yr old and 9month old DD's. So I know how hard it is to think of them all playing happy families. PM me if you ever need to rant.
So, who wants a laugh?! I was messaged through Lovestruck about 1pm today by a chap asking if he could take me for a drink. I looked at his profile and he is just not someone I could see myself being interested in, so I didn't reply. Just now, 7 hours later, I get another message:

Hi again

I think you should reconsider you rejection. Why? Erm, well I'm not a bad looking boy (if you squint) and quite popular amongst eligible Asian women. I'm also quite a gentleman, I'll open doors and stuff... and I'm intelligent but not in the patronising overbearing way that you get with most guys who live on Clapham and Shoreditch.

So how about a reconsideration... and I'll take you for cocktails somewhere in Mayfair?

A x

^ah, so you were directing your frustration at ALL women.
i see.^

Deja vu, methinks.

This will be interesting.

ffs I do wish sometimes my dyslexic brain had an autocorrect.

Maybe it is a "meant to be" situation Scooby, I don't mean that flippantly, only that if you have had to deal with something similar in the past which created problems for you, then maybe you will look back and think it was a lucky escape ...... In my opinion, dealing with a loved one with depression is a difficult road to go down and your own needs can often end up getting sacrificed in your efforts to support them.

Dolly A for arse?

Juliette possibly, or A for Absolutely delusional

bant, sorry, i dont get it at all.

its just life, as lubey says, at another point, she might have called in all her favours, or her child is ill, or babysitter ill.

Its just one of those things that comes with dating women with children.

You said that nice men will be considerate and understanding, but then say you would have been out of there a short while ago because shes not free enough???

If you dont like the restrictions that come with dating women with children, then thats fine, and you are allowed to say that. But i do think its unfair to tell women to make sure they are free, when you, yourself, say you dont want to use babysitters.

also, it might be worth thinking that, her intentions might not have been for serious dating, she might be happy with seeing somone once a month. some people are, and thats ok too. dating means different things, to some it means looking for a relationship, to some it means just getting out of the house and having some company.

People dating people with children have a whole difficult, awkward set of circumstances to contend with. Dating will always come second to the kids, dates will be cancelled due to sick children, or a break-down in childcare....it's just what happens. it's always good to meet new people, so people go on dates, with a glimmer of hope, but as you get more world-worn, with the expectation that it will go nowhere anyway.

I bet the absolutely perfect woman for bant also has 50/50 care for her kids.... Just the days/weeks that bant doesn't....

Dolly the reference to himself as a "boy" would be enough for me. Why do grown men do that? I met one bloke on Match who referrred to himself in the third person as a boy. He would say things like "this boy is off to bed" and "this boy has had a busy day". I struggled to keep a straight face, it was a right turn-off!

Totally Lula, perhaps I should reply 'Ah ok, but I'm looking for a man...'

Lulu, sorry

Snape - yes. Aren't we all allowed ideals?

course we are.
But dont go off on a rant telling women they cant do anything that doesnt measure up to YOUR ideal.

there will be plenty of people who dont hold the same ideal as you.

Dolly I can only imagine the reply you would get back oh, but of course he isn't patronising or overbearing! so that'll be okay then!

on a lighter and dating unrelated note, I should put my reading glasses on, just read the box entitled Mumsnet Talk at the side of the screen as

Pregnancy nipples - what irks you most? on second glance, it actually read

Pregnancy niggles - what irks you most?

as you were ...

watch - I'm not telling women they can't do anything that measure up to my ideal. I've said before things like 'use a profile photo as it's better to have one than not' - 'don't mention your DC in your very first sentence of your profile', 'don't say 'lonely and brokenhearted' in your profile.' This is just one of those things.

Don't start online dating when you know you're not going to have free time for the foreseeable future.

I don't see why you're taking that as a rant against women in general, I think it's perfectly reasonable advice.

If I have a choice of someone who's perfect for me, who I have to wait for three weeks for a second date, or someone who's okay but I get to see twice in the first fortnight, I'm probably going to see the second one. That's just being realistic. I'm not having a go at anyone.

If you're going into hospital for surgery and are going to be housebound for weeks, why start dating then? If you're going to be on a work-related training course and unavailable for weeks, why start dating just before it? If you don't have any free time because you've used up all your usual babysitting circle recently, then don't start dating then. There's just not much point if you want a second or third date. People don't generally wait a month for it.

I wasn't sure how much time I would have for dating when I started dating. Am lucky(?) that XH has the DC regularly but there are times of year when I am away with work and work more or less and when I dipped my toe into the dating world it was about to be one of those times. I knew I wouldn't be available a lot of the time but wasn't about to organise anything especially for an attempt at dating.

Turned out I found there was slightly more time available than I thought - and finding someone Nice in my first attempt did help.

The reason I started it when I did was because I was ill over Easter and decided while XH had the DC to spend a day in bed and messaged all the men I could find . And decided if nothing came of it that I would give it a rest for a while.

Bant sorry I still don't agree in the slightest.

No one knows whats going to happen for sure, if we all waited til everything was perfect and tons of sitters were lined up we'd all be single forever. That way madness lies.

I think maybe watch has taken it as a rant against women in general as any woman with children on a dating site is obviously single and likely to be the main carer or very close to it, so your rant applies very widely.

Miranda, i think thats usual :)

bant, again, i think its just one of those things. People dont always know if they are going to have lots of free time either, or that they are going to meet someone they are going to want a second date with. Its silly to suggest they shouldnt have a first date, if they dont have time for a second within a 2 week time frame, especially when you consider most first dates dont go anywhere.

You dont even know when you sign up to a site, if you are going to meet someone you will want a date with, its all a shot in the dark.

Its literally one of those things that comes with dating women with children. If thats not for you, thats ok. But it will be ok for someone else.

And again, like miranda says, typically, if you really want to see somone, then you do make time for them, you move heaven and earth, call in every favour and sort it out or find a work around, as lots of us who have had relationships from online dating, have and do do.

Yeah Bant your rant was a bit out of order. Sometimes people's lives are a little more complicated than 'lining up sitters' just in case you click with someone. If she's as great as you say she is, wait for her. You're not doing yourself any favours by choosing to date someone less compatible just because they're more available. That's bonkers.