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Original poster

would you date a transgendered man?

480 replies

ecofreeek · 10/01/2013 19:02

I am in my late 30's and single (divorced). Recently though work I met a man who seemed really nice. We flirted a bit and last weekend he asked me out for a drink. It went really well, nice snog! and we arranged to meet for dinner this week

At dinner he told me that basically he used to be a woman. He has had testosterone treatment for many years and both breasts removed and a hysterectomy. But not the surgery that makes a penis...

I really like him. But I'm a bit freaked out. I guess that's why he told me 'early' in our dating... I dont want any more children s thats not an issue... its the whole man thing - he looks like a man, acts like a man and I would never have guessed that biologically he is not a male...

the sex thing ....

would you date a transgendered man >?

OP posts:
Rosa · 11/01/2013 11:54

No not for me ...ok as a friend but nothing else.

noddyholder · 11/01/2013 12:15

I admire him for telling you it must have been hard. I think I would continue the relationship but tbh would hope for reconstructive surgery for him so that I would feel fulfilled as I would 'expect' from a male partner. The fact that he was once she doesn't bother me at all but I would want a sexual relationship and that would probably influence the outcome. All the talk of deformity and mutilation is just horrible and backward.

AmberLeaf · 11/01/2013 12:21

WeAreEternal No no, I absolutely didn't think you were trying to argue! I just didn't want you to think I was!

Thank you for your insights.

Loquace · 11/01/2013 12:40

I would, I really don't understand why anyone would have a serious problem with it.

I think it is the same thing as a couple of male freinds of ours who would ONLY consider a sexual relationship with a transgendered woman. They are simply not attracted to cis-females. Do you not understand that either ?

I think sexuality is more fluid than a label

It can be, but it is not obligatory. I personal have a really small range of people I am sexually attracted to. It starts with cis-male and then shrinks far , fa smaller according to the series of attributes (physical and characterwise) that I need to be present in order to get "that tingly feeling". I feel I need to apologise for my narrow range as much as anybody needs to apologise for their" obtuse angle" range of sexual attraction.

"sexuality has nothing to do with this situation"

Sexuality has bugger all to do with the moving towards an acceptace of the transgendered as fully paid up human beings, free of prejudice aimed at them and offered the same opportunities within communities and society as anybody else.

However when it comes to embarking on a sexual/romantic realtionship with a transgendered person sexuality pretty much lies at the heart of the matter. Unless you are a person who chooses a sexual partner for political reasons as opposed to "gagging for you" reasons. Which is fair play if that is what floats your boat in the bedroom.

dequoisagitil · 11/01/2013 12:44

I would possibly date someone who was trans.

I think if you like him, OP, then see where it goes, but be gentle & honest about any worries you have.

knitknack · 11/01/2013 13:26

HeyHoHereWeGo

You have completely missed the point of my post. Which was IF a trans person identifies as a man then they are a MAN they are NOT a 'woman'... they just are, and to claim anything else shows such stunning insensitivity that it's just ridiculous.

I cannot believe that you really misinterpreted what I was saying in such a silly way so I can only assume you were trying to make a point.

MooncupGoddess · 11/01/2013 13:50

"Which was IF a trans person identifies as a man then they are a MAN they are NOT a 'woman'... they just are"

I find this an odd thing to say. Transsexual people have a discrepancy between their biological markers of sex - chromosomes/hormones/genitals - and what they feel like inside. So, as it is very hard to change how one feels inside, they change their hormones and genitals. (Of course, one can never change one's chromosomes.)

I have no problem with that and no problem with them subsequently identifying as their chosen sex but the simple fact remains that a trans man is not 100% biologically male in the way someone who was born male and remains happy to be male is.

HeyHoHereWeGo · 11/01/2013 13:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OneMoreGo · 11/01/2013 14:07

Actually, if he has been taking testosterone for a while, this man's genitals will NOT necessarily look like your standard vulva at all.

Astley · 11/01/2013 14:11

I also agree with Fluffyraggies about being told after the snog. I wouldn't be happy about that.

Arthurfowlersallotment · 11/01/2013 14:13

I agree that he should have told you earlier.

I couldn't do it.

PureQuintessence · 11/01/2013 14:18

He should have told you before the snog, I agree. And before the second dinner date.

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh · 11/01/2013 15:49

Maybe he didn't tell the OP until the second date because he wasn't sure that he wanted to continue with the relationship, or that she was trustworthy enough for him to tell her. Given the number of people who are transphobic, rude and ignorant, it's quite a big risk for a transperson to come out to a comparative stranger - he would have had to feel sure that the OP wouldn't flee the restaurant and get straight on FB going 'OMG [date] is not really a man!' for example and don't forget, there have been loads of cases of transpeople telling a sexual/romantic partner that they are trans, only to be violently attacked, even murdered by the partner.

So if the man had decided, after a couple of dates, that he didn't want to pursue the relationship (for any reason, not making any negative assumptions about the OP - people sometimes decide, after a few dates, that they simply don't want to take it any further) then he would probably have said nothing, because, as the relationship wasn't going to progress to sex, there would have been no need for the OP to know.

BehindLockNumberNine · 11/01/2013 16:02

Is it appropriate that on this thread I read the name PeoniesPlease as PenisPlease Blush

DoctorAnge · 11/01/2013 16:43

No I just could never do it. Sorry but it's not really like being with a man
Is it?

PureQuintessence · 11/01/2013 17:39

Good point SGB, and fair enough.

Original poster
ecofreeek · 11/01/2013 18:12

Thank you all for your thoughts and advice.

I have agonised about this, and in the end I think thats the problem. Its become a 'huge' thing for me already . I can't just 'let go' amd see where it takes me, I just don't want to sleep with person with a vulva and that he has a vulva has spoilt the buzz for me.

I feel guilty and sad. and in some ways a bit shallow and silly. but as so many have said everyone has a type and Im afraid for me, I need male genitals to be sexually turned on. So friend yes, partner sadly not for me.

I need to find a kind and sensitive way of saying this - although I'm guessing this will not be the first time a woman has turned him down over this.

OP posts:
Astley · 11/01/2013 18:29

I don't think you should feel bad. I don't see that it is really that different from going on a date with someone and realising you don't really fancy them. It's just one of those things.

You're not saying you think he's a bad person or that you don't like his personality. You just don't fancy him.

How do you feel about him not telling you before he kissed you? I personally would have hoped he would have got to know you well enough to tell you before anything happened between you.

knitknack · 11/01/2013 18:30

Heyhoherewego - as onemorego has pointed out, that's probably NOT what she'd see - I was assuming a level of understanding about transgender and the process which is clearly not there.

LadyKinbote · 11/01/2013 18:54

All you can do is be honest - tell him you agonised over it but have decided you don't want the relationship to go any further. Don't feel guilty, if he's not the right man for you, that's fine.

loopylou6 · 11/01/2013 19:07

No I couldn't, I'm straight so I couldn't get aroused by a vagina.

I don't mean to come across rude saying that, I have no problem what so ever with transgendered people, I have no problem with gay/lesbian people, Infact my best friend is a lesbian, it's a non issue to me, but as I said, I like Dick Grin

MadameCastafiore · 11/01/2013 19:34

No. I couldn't. Sex with no cock is not sex for me! Is that sad?

But then I am a lapsed catholic and even typing the word cock puts me in a quandary so having sex with someone who once was a different sexist wouldn't roll with me.

But I have nothing against people who want to change their sex, good health to them and glad there are what I would called broad minded people about who are happy to enter into relationships with them.

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh · 11/01/2013 20:21

I think it might actually be kinder not to spell out that you are dumping him because he's transgender. Of course it's OK to end the relationship - everyone is entitled to decide not to progress a relationship, but it's more polite to be firm, kind, but non-specific (unless you are dumping someone for a major character fault like violence, racism or having a dozen DC by different women that they refuse to pay for...)

iwantanafternoonnap · 11/01/2013 20:50

No this wouldn't bother me. How often do you want to give a blow job or give someone a wank?? I ask because that is the only time you would really really notice. You can use strap ons in a wide range of sizes.

He is a man minus a bit that can easily be strapped on. I always view people as the gender they believe themselves to be and not what nature chucked in. I think it is quite sad you base your relationships around a penis.

Gay40 · 11/01/2013 20:52

Quite a lot of people marry dicks, though.