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Original poster

would you date a transgendered man?

480 replies

ecofreeek · 10/01/2013 19:02

I am in my late 30's and single (divorced). Recently though work I met a man who seemed really nice. We flirted a bit and last weekend he asked me out for a drink. It went really well, nice snog! and we arranged to meet for dinner this week

At dinner he told me that basically he used to be a woman. He has had testosterone treatment for many years and both breasts removed and a hysterectomy. But not the surgery that makes a penis...

I really like him. But I'm a bit freaked out. I guess that's why he told me 'early' in our dating... I dont want any more children s thats not an issue... its the whole man thing - he looks like a man, acts like a man and I would never have guessed that biologically he is not a male...

the sex thing ....

would you date a transgendered man >?

OP posts:
dontyouwantmebaby · 11/01/2013 00:52

oh gosh OP have read most of the replies on your thread and find myself agreeing with sirboobalot and knicknack.

Please just see where this goes, if it was a heterosexual guy with a penis who couldn't get it up would he also be obliged to be honest on your first or second date? I dunno. Your bloke has been honest with you. It is quite a big deal to have to broach this early on but also necessary. I say go with the flow and see where it takes you both, you both sound lovely.

bestsonever · 11/01/2013 00:57

I think how many and what kind of hurdles one is willing to get over within a relationship comes down to other qualities about the relationship. What the OP does will be a personal weigh up of how great they are together. If you could guarantee the same great other things in another genetic male then that would seem the better option, as having to sit and ponder and wonder and ask people's opinions would not be a factor so the relationship is already easier. Then again, challenges can bring rewards so it's a tough one. You could start out by taking things much slower within the relationship so that you get to know the big picture, warts an all and how good you could be as a couple so that you've got the best chance to work out if he could be the one for you. There are no guarantees that your other half won't be a shit whatever gender, but if he ends up an ex for other reasons, as many have found on MN. Whatever you decide, I hope it's the choice that proves to give you the happiest outcome.

bestsonever · 11/01/2013 01:02

'but if he ends up an ex for other reasons' just scrub that bit, I was meant to so it doesn't make sense that bit.

BunFagFreddie · 11/01/2013 01:27

If he was a nice person, I liked him, fancied him and we got on I would give it a go. I've never been in that situation though. Mind you, I like both sexes.

If he wanted to keep it secret, so would I, if he didn't I wouldn't.

BabiesOnSpikes · 11/01/2013 01:45

NCed for this.

I started a thread a while back about my DH, who has never been certain of his sexuality/gender, and who was talking about cross-dressing, or possibly gender reassignment.

Before meeting him I'd have said yes to your OP, because I thought I was really open minded and all that. Now I've been faced with it possibly happening I have to say no.

No matter how much I love him I couldn't be his lover if he was trans.

I'd still love him, still want to spend time with him, but wouldn't be able to get into bed with him.

It's a hard situation, take it easy. Don't rush into anything unless you feel absolutely comfortable.

LadyKinbote · 11/01/2013 02:57

For people who are Confused about being given the bigoted label, you may not realise how hugely upsetting it can be to not allow someone who is transgender to define their own gender. I don't care about biology, if someone asks me to refer to them as a particular gender I'll respect that because it's unkind not to - it's not about accuracy. Obviously he isn't reading this, but it's one of the reasons that some of us are getting touchy.

OP - if you hadn't already guessed he used to be a woman I suspect he's pretty masculine! Don't get sucked into thinking of him as female and yourself as lesbian. I really don't think this is what it's about. And don't get too hung up on the sex thing, you never know what sex with a new partner will be like, and if he's masculine in demeanour I suspect he will be masculine in the bedroom. Yes it's not conventional but the same goes for lots of relationships.

ripsishere · 11/01/2013 03:15

Yes, I probably could. IMO, it is personality, character and integrity that are important. Not what shape their genitals are.

StuntNun · 11/01/2013 03:30

No, I'm married it would be wrong, but in principle yes. If you like him then date him. He has been open with you. If you're unsure then be equally open with him. Tell him you like him, you want to keep seeing him, you're unsure how to feel about dating a transsexual but you want to see how things go.

You will have to prepare yourself for busybodies and gossip which will probably be the most stressful part of your relationship. If you get as far as going to bed with him then you will have to be open minded (I assume you're straight) and inventive but it could be a lot of fun too.

My opinion? Life's too short, don't leave yourself wondering what you missed by not dating him. It may not work out for other reasons or he may end up being the love of your life.

Good luck to you.

StuntNun · 11/01/2013 03:37

Oh and don't hang your hopes on him having constructive surgery, it's not an ideal situation either. It's a complicated series of operations and he may not want to go through all that. You may want to look into that procedure if you think it would become a possibility. You would have to ask him about it, it may be something he wouldn't consider or it may be the next step for him.

JoanByers · 11/01/2013 03:47

I don't see why it needs to be big life-changing decision like buying a house, or getting sterilized, or something.

You are not going to magically transform into a lesbian by spending a night with this person. If you like it, continue, if you don't, don't, but it doesn't need to be agonized over really.

FellatioNels0n · 11/01/2013 04:16

Haven't read the thread. I imagine it's interesting and probably a bit explosive.

No, I couldn't.

I don't think I have even the tiniest bit of lesbian or Bi in me, and I think you would need to in this scenario.

And if I did ever end up in a sexual relationship with a woman I think it would be a feminine woman. I find very butch women very unappealing in a physical/sexual attractiveness sense; there is something about it that unsettles me, and rightly or wrongly I don't think I could see this person as anything more than a very butch woman. Which would freak me out a bit, I'm afraid. I couldn't sleep with a very girlie man either, if that helps.

That is not to say I think they should be run out of town with pitchforks and burning torches - just that I would not/could not sleep with them. But fair play to anyone who could. Maybe we would all be much more fulfilled in our emotional relationships if we didn't have such a linear gender/sexual apartheid thing going on in our heads.

teedeeuk · 11/01/2013 06:04

FellatioNels0n, not sure you've read the op. This isn't 'would you go out with a butch lesbian' or 'do you think you're a bit bi'..

Mimishimi · 11/01/2013 06:13

No, I'd only be a friend.

HecatePropolos · 11/01/2013 06:33

Hmm I actually dreamed about this last night. What the hell was THAT about? Grin

anyway. It turns out Grin that for me, he'd need to have the surgery (you say at the moment he still has female genitals, right) if we were going to have sex, because I personally do not think that I could touch, kiss, lick, stroke or whatever - female genitals. It's just not for me.

If we weren't going to have sex much like my current marriage Grin then it wouldn't matter what he was packing in his pants.

But either way. It was a hell of a night last night! Shock

WeAreEternal · 11/01/2013 07:13

I would, I really don't understand why anyone would have a serious problem with it.

I think sexuality is more fluid than a label.
But that is just my opinions. And is a whole other argument here, sexuality has nothing to do with this situation.

He is a man, he has always been a man, he will always be a man, unfortunately due to problems in utero he was born with the wrong sex organs.
It really has nothing to do with sexuality, and I really don't understand why people can't see that.

It is exactly the same as if he had been born with some other physical abnormality that needed extensive surgery to correct it.

Would you not date him if it was any other birth abnormality?

WWIW sex is way more than just PIV, in fact some of the most mind blowing sex I have had hasn't involved a PIV at all.

Morloth · 11/01/2013 07:26

Hmmm I am not sure, but then I do feel some attraction towards women.

I do however quite enjoy PIV, so would be sad to give that up.

But then what if he had been born a man but didn't have a functioning penis?

Don't know.

Salbertina · 11/01/2013 07:33

No

Boomerwang · 11/01/2013 07:56

teedeeuk I think Fellatio is comparing a transman to a butch lesbian because both of them are masculine with female genitalia.

I wouldn't, because in this case a butch lesbian would have (unless taking medication) feminine features and breasts whereas a transman would be way more convincing as a male.

bumhead · 11/01/2013 08:03

I have to say that whether your pursue a relationship with this man or not Op, the fact that he was so honest and upfront with you says an awful lot about this guy.
If you decide not to date him again please be gentle with him. It must take a lot of guts to be so open on a first date. He sounds like a lovely person.
I think if it was me I would see how it goes just like with any other guy.
But I'm not you and only you can decide what you feel like doing.

TobyLerone · 11/01/2013 08:03

I can't imagine any reason that I wouldn't. The question, IMO, is ridiculous.

"Would you date someone who seemed nice, who you fancied and with whom you enjoyed spending time?"

Surely "yes" would be the only answer Confused

MrsBucketxx · 11/01/2013 08:05

No not cause I woukd have an issue with it rather everyone else would, to much emotional stress on dc friends family.

I have been with women before and its just as satisfying, different but still good.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/01/2013 08:13

No I wouldn't date a transgendered individual. Fine as a friend... not as a lover.

Midwife99 · 11/01/2013 08:14

I have never thought about this before but with 3 naturally male husbands under my belt I'd be much more open to it! It really wouldn't bother me although I'd miss PIV sex.

AmberLeaf · 11/01/2013 08:32

^He is a man, he has always been a man, he will always be a man, unfortunately due to problems in utero he was born with the wrong sex organs.
It really has nothing to do with sexuality, and I really don't understand why people can't see that^

What problems in utero? if you can, please explain them to me. I don't want to be a bigot, but unless someone is a hermaphrodite or intersex they just are either male/female. that is organic isn't it?

It is exactly the same as if he had been born with some other physical abnormality that needed extensive surgery to correct it

I don't think thats true really, again not in the case of intersex, but having a normally functioning penis/vagina is a physical abnormality.

AmberLeaf · 11/01/2013 08:34

*is NOT a physical abnormality