Support thread for those in Emotionally abusive relationships :15

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

he said he forgot the pram. will i be there later. im tempted to leave it at the back door and go out!

Oh Jan what a FW. He prob "forgot" the pram on purpose to ruin your day/plans. I too would be tempted to leave it at the back door if safe and not raining etc even if you are home! Just hide and watch him collect it!

Leclerc I think I agree about his texts being quite snidey and well done you for the DIY. I've always had to do it in this house from building stuff to painting etc as he would rather pay someone to do it (but doesn't) AKA he can't do it and ends up smashing the place up and turning on me. However whenever I finish a job and everyone comments how fab it is, I never ever get a nice comment from him. Grrr!

I'm just checking in this morning really to log what happened last night as using this thread as my diary/log book for his episodes. Basically he got home from work 10pm ish (normal time), in and we hardly spoke, I eventually raised the issue of him going awol for 36 hours and went mental, pushing me and the coming up against me squashing me against the fridge freezer shouting in my face. Normally I would push back to defend myself but didn't and he stopped and just started chucking stuff around and finally stormed off up to bed in a sulk. He was gone out to work when we all woke up this morning and DD was then asking where he was, was he out with his friends again, with him going awol and working he hasn't seen DD for 3 days, he's seen DS for 10mins yesterday avo. He didn't even go into their rooms last night/this morn just to see them even though they were sleeping. I sent him a text to ask what time he would be home later so I could tell DD and he asked me why did DD want to see him? errrr because your suppose to be her daddy? When we have escaped, I dread him being one of those sunday dads, all they do around here is take their kids to the pub so they play with each other and they can drink . Thank god for this thread, 6 months ago I would have been in bits sobbing etc after this last week but I'm not!! I actually feel like I don't care anymore, anything he does to me can't affect me anymore, saying that though....Uggghhh, just so tired and drained but think that's probably due to lack of comfy bed to sleep in too.

Happy sunday ladies, know sundays can be a FW day so stay safe and strong x

jan you did really well in your exchange with him this morning. I think you might be feeling the reaction to standing up to him so well, you are of course the reasonable one.

thanks for the support! i am ready to go out but theres nowhere to go as shops don't open till 1 - hope i miss him lol.

Maggie that sounds an awful sitation... it was good that he stopped pushing you, i think you did the right thing with not pushing back as this could make him even more violent.

its hard when you wish they wanted to be more involved with the kids. my dh just drops her in the church nursery (he has a choice to go to one where he can stay with her and play with her) and then his mum is there to do everything the rest of the time. its so hard when u just feel like screaming this is the only chance you will get with them when they are this age!

one day they might realise , many years from now, what they have missed out on.

Nora - again, that sounds so familiar. MY FW decreed that DS1 wasn't to get out of bed at the weekends if he woke up early at a normal time of 7.30am. He had to stay in bed and not disturb anyone else. He justified leaving him awake in his room for so long by saying 'it's what I had to do when I was little'. And it obviously did you no harm at all, eh? But also, I wasn't allowed to get up. He didn't say as much, but made such a fuss if I did before he was ready, ie any time before about 9am. Because they are the kings, and think that what they want to happen takes precedence over ever single other member of the family. So I'd lie there, anxious and worrying about DS1. It's just another entitlement example.

try - maybe we can get a emoticon for giving gentle toe-nudges. You are doing the right thing. You are.

Leclerc - I don't think it's you being oversensitive, not if he's been looking through your personal correspondence! You have every right to treat everything he says with suspicion and look for the ulterior motive. That text exchange just sounds like an attempt by him to engage you, and again 'wow look at me being all brilliant and offering to help out'. mmmm, just like taking the boys on Wednesdays, eh? How dare he imply that you are 'struggling' - he's suggesting you are too weak to cope with this on your own, he's trying to put that thought in your head. So, in summary - jog on, FW!

Jan, I still feel a twist in my stomach in advance of every handover. I used to get it with DS1's dad too, it was the anticipation of conflict that could happen, I think. And even if nothing is said, I always feel a bit churny afterwards, without being to put my finger on why. Sounds like you did well to stand your ground and repeat about emailing you - I struggle to do that, I get drawn in.

Oh Maggie. You need to get out, soon. I'm scared he's going to go further one of these times and really hurt you. What's your timescale?

Maggie that sounds horribly scary. Is there no way to make him leave?

FW has been lovely today. The DDs got up around 8.30 and he got them their breakfast, then did painting with them and took them for a bike ride, before giving them lunch. I cleaned the house and we did a really good impression of a perfect family. He did pull a face when I decided to go running, but didn't actually say anything.

I hate this. This kind of day is the kind of day that makes me doubt that the phone destroying, swearing and shouting days ever happened. he won't talk about our problems at all, it's like he's forgotten all about it and I'm being petty by bringing it up. Then I feel twisted because I should be glad that he's a good dad. I feel horrible being sat on the internet complaining about him. I should be trying to talk to him. But then I remember last Sunday, when he chucked my ironing about to make me do it again, and last night, when he called me a bitch for disagreeing with his orders about what time the DC could wake up.

Last night also, he decided that I wasn't to go on the internet so removed the plug from the phone line. I pretended not to understand what had happened and said "Oh what a shame, I'll have to sit with you instead" and sat on the sofa with him, ignored his repeated requests to fuck off. Then he replaced the plug. This is an improvement with him, the other times he decided that I couldn't go online he ripped the cable out from the socket and broke it.

I can feel my resolution to leave just fading away. Really what I need to do is walk straight out next time he calls me a whore or something, and not go back. I think once I'm out I won't want to return to him.

maggie, next time he pulls an overnighter, get a locksmith in. Seriously. He can't act like that, then threaten you when you bring it up. You have the stronger hand, if he leaves you in the house... You'd need legal advice fast, if you did that and it is easy for me to say now I am safely out of the FW's claws but yes... that is what I think I might do.

Keep yourselves safe, today and all days. I'm about to go and make a statement to the coppers. It's taken me all morning to write up the emails sent just in the past 3 weeks. Will no doubt be bending your ears and flashbacking for England, when I return.

Fuck, he's kicking off badly tonight. Will conme baclk later to post

oh no try stay safe.

TryBreathe, love, please call the police if you are scared. please stop this?

YY to call the police if he is being violent / threatening violence.

I shall worry now...

Until then, can someone tell me if they saw the thread I saw yesterday about the man that was controlling the money, calling the shots etc?

There was a flurry of posts that really triggered me, I was emotional all afternoon. There was someone who said that the bloke refused to let her buy underwear, but bought a quadbike for the DD, despite the weather being too bad for it to be used . I can't find the thread now.

Funny how it's the small stuff that we really get hurt by. 2 years on and I found myself fighting back the tears. My ex refused to buy me conditioner for my hair, even though it would have only taken a phone call and a couple of quid (money was not an issue for him) I had to try to pull the knots out of my hair after my shower. I cried so much over that, it was such a crappy point in my life, but I couldn't do anything about it.

I know it's so small a thing, but it's the small stuff that really shows you how much you are hated, to what extent they will stoop to get at you.

SOmehow I have gone back to feeling a total twat for putting up with it for so long. That monumental stupidity I felt when he left seems to still have some presence in my life

Oh Hissy :(
We are not stupid.
You would not feel stupid if you got mugged. You would feel that a violent person had mugged you.
We met FWs - we did not choose them.
They don't go round with big signs on them (although now we can recognize the signs that are there).
We were nice normal people who didn't leap the conclusion that the person in front of them was a complete fuck-up.
Why on earth should we have?
We got out. You got out. That is what you must hold on to.

Hi Hissy....

we have to have the flashbacks I think to keep us from minimising the past.
(at least that's what i keep telling myself)
You are a strong woman, a loving woman and a faithful woman. We gave them too many chances and they abused our trust...but you still saved yourself and your little boy.

You should be proud of you (and buy lots of conditioner!!!!!)

for you

PS I saw the thread. Guess she got scared as there was too much personal info.

Thanks. you're right, both of you.

The flashback are so tangible though, the feelings so intense. Stuff I'd not dealt with, I suppose.

It was too trivial at the time, and probably usurped by bigger shit.

Makes me angry to trip over this stuff now. When I'm thinking rationally, I know life is light-years away from there, I know how great things are today, I know how far I've come. Remembering the lows, and being so totally incredulous as to how on earth i 'let that happen' in the first place, that's where it wobbles a bit.

My life is better. Better than ever. This I know.

The Ex is still the same twat he always was, and he has not changed a jot.

I told boyf about what i'd remembered. (he has similar background) he was but at least could relate, and we talked about it.

it was good to lean a little on him, and good to talk to someone that had some understanding, but we were out, so I had to keep it together somehow.

I'm still weary of sharing too much with others in RL.

We did not 'let this happen' We kept trying to make it right :(
Only you can't make someone who is so right wrong.

Just imagine if our effort to make a marriage, a life and love had been reciprocated with equal effort......now there would be something truly powerful.

I can't find it. I know the title was innocuous though!

"I shall enjoy the finest that a relationship can offer. Someone who loves me for who I am. Someone who wants me to succeed at what ever I want to try next. Someone who thinks of me and does the little things to make you happy like making a cup of tea or asking what YOU want for tea.

I'm nowhere near that yet, but one day I will be."

TisILeClerc I felt like that too. It helps keep us from making decisions borne of panic. We know that there is a happy ending waiting for us. No compromises love, you will have all that and more. Afterall, if it can happen to me....